Affair/ Divorce

i love how he's blaming you for his unzipped pants.
and now HE'S the one who's still uncertain?
you can fight all you want, but it takes two people working on a marriage to make it work.
i wish you luck.
khairete
S.

Yeah I just love how HE had the affair but somehow he makes it out to be YOUR fault.
You should know that's total BS.

I look at it like this.
If a guy is not begging on his knees to be with me - he can walk right out the door.
He needs to KNOW that I am the greatest thing that ever happened to him and if he doesn't feel that way then I will not be trying to convince him of it.

You make your plan for how you're going to go on without him.
His waffling is an insult.
HE gets to decide if he stays?
He'd better be begging you to ALLOW him to stay!
If he's not - kick his butt to the curb.

How very sad.
Honestly it doesn't sound like he deserves you, you know? I know you have young children but if a man is willingly to walk away so easily he really isn't someone I would count on in the long run.
Better to cut your losses NOW.
YOU make the call, tell him he's made his choice and you are done with him.
Don't sit around waiting for him to decide, that's so degrading and disrespectful to you!!!

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Are you married to my ex-husband???!!! He had an affair and it was my fault too...and he had another one and that was my fault too...but really?? No one forced him. He made decisions. He NEEDED more than one "partner". He NEEDED more attention...and trust me the sex was great at home...he just needed MORE...

So you cannot accept the guilt for this. You need to choose whether you want to settle. Tell him to pound sand. You've tried, you didn't give up. HE did. And kick his butt to the curb. I'm sorry. I don't shove divorce out there a lot, but I will when he wants his cake and eat it too. So let him go. Let him find himself. You be the best you can be. Let the kids know it's not their fault.

Why would you be scared if he leaves? Has he told you that you will never make it without him? Has he told you are worthless? If he has...it's his manipulations to keep so he can have his cake and eat it too.

Make the decision for him. Really. Tell him enough. He can't have it both ways. He can either stay and fight for the marriage he pledged to or he can go. But he CANNOT have it both ways. If he chooses the other? That's on him. You called his bluff. Tell him to find an apartment. Get a lawyer and figure out child support and who pays what.

Don't whine.
Don't cry.
Put on your big girl panties and tell him to grow up.
Get yourself into a doctor and get checked for STDs. And if he decides to stay married? Get him checked too. Period. End of story.

If he stays? He needs to find a new job. Sorry. But having her around isn't going to help either one of you.

Good luck!!

I commend how gracefully you have handled this so far, but he doesn't sound worth it. Two years??! He doesn't sound all that sorry for "being disconnected" and cheating on his wife, the mother of his children. Sounds like you're more interested in making this work than he is. HE'S thinking about whether to keep you or not? GIMME A BREAK!!! You could have someone so so so much better.

I'm a divorced single mom of three whose husband cheated. I wouldn't go back to that life FOR ANYTHING. I don't know why I stayed in that fog so long. It's not easy being alone, but I've had no trouble finding men who want to commit. I'm just not ready yet. But these cheaters: Yuck.

Sounds like you will do well together as co-parents (my ex and I are better friends now than we were before and we both love the kids and they love us) but as husband and wife? No. you can do much better. Cut him loose. Kick him out. Go to a lawyer and learn your rights. You have lots. Time to move on.

It sounds like you are a very open person and he can't have an emotional connection with YOU? It really doesn't sound like your fault.Sounds like he is addicted to excitement and this is what he is getting. I'm thinking sadly and seldom recommend ending something, but if this has been going on two years, that you might need to quit fighting for this. And chances are once you quit and move on with your life he like a lot of people will want you back and you may just not feel connected with him. Part of our responsibilities as partners is to communicate our feelings and doesn't sound like he ever did that with you. Good luck and I am so sorry.

If it were me, I would let him go. It sounds like he's trying to make you feel like it's your fault he had the affair and for not knowing and doing more, which I don't think is true based on the fact that you've been in counseling. He has also been lying to you for 2 years, 2 years that you know of. I'm sorry but feeling disconnected from someone doesn't give him the right to go and have an affair with a woman he works with. Don't let him decide and keep you in limbo, YOU decide.

Do not do the "pick me" dance. You are the wife - you don't play backup plan to anyone. He should be bending over backwards earning your forgiveness, not you waiting on him to decide.

PLEASE PLEASE go to www.survivinginfidelity.com It will help you get through this horrible experience.

My husband cheated on me BEFORE we were married. He owned up to it and he took steps to correct it. There are always going to be some sort of trust issues because of it, but if my husband ever once decided it was MY fault and *I* should have done more for him, he would be way gone from my life by now.

In order for your marriage to work, you both need to be 100% committed to the long and hard fight ahead to get over something like this. No flipping way would I be giving your husband any more chances. He basically has told you he doesn't care, why fight then?

You need to get in to counseling for you, so someone with a brain can tell you this isn't your fault and your husband is 100% to blame for his actions. You also need some confidence to leave his sorry self.

I'm really sorry - but I hope this is not the man you married. I hope he has somehow morphed into words I can't put into writing or I'll get my response deleted. Ugh, this makes me so mad that he has you thinking you're at fault and letting HIM decide what happens here. REALLY?!?! You need to put him out of the house and learn to co-parent with him.

Please recognize the only way you found out about this is because the other person who was cheated on confronted his wife and she confessed. Your husband only confessed because he knew he was exposed.

You have been betrayed in one of the worst ways possible and from your post he isn't sorry. He's blaming you for his decisions. You are NOT responsible for his happiness. He has destroyed your family most likely and it is not your fault.

When I separated from my ex I decided I wouldn't make any decisions for 6 months. We had been married for 9 years and I didn't want to make any decisions quickly. I eventually filed for divorce. Please consider at the very least separating from him to give yourself some time to think with clarity.

We all know in a relationship there are ups and downs. Instead of working on your marriage he chose to cheat. He is at fault here and is trying to place blame. Please don't accept responsibility for that.

Change is hard and scary. I will tell you when I separated my hardest days being alone were still better than my marriage. For me it was a gradual thing. I didn't realize how badly all the negativity in my marriage was effecting me until I was on my own about a month.

Take care of yourself and your kids. I am sorry this happened.

Blessings!
L.

He already left the marriage emotionally, sexually, and spiritually two years ago..... And strung you along.

So really you've just been co-parenting with him already.

Does this affair compromise his position at work?

They are bonding over there dysfunctional families......sigh....the foundation for every lasting relationship.

Has this family dysfunction stunted his emotional growth? I'm betting it did and that is why he fits so well with her and has stopped growing in the marriage with you.

Right now, get copies of all his financial information....401k, checking, savings, credit cards, etc.. for your records. Go talk to a few attorneys... Do some research amongst friends who they have heard to use.

And then take control of the situation, and you decide you will not be strung along anymore. Kick him out.

I think it would be good for you to get some support through counseling because he is really manipulating you.

I wish you strength. You deserve better.

Please read and read and read what Amy J and B wrote.

I've been through this. First off, get over the fear. It sounds like you're only connected to him because you're afraid to be alone and get divorced. It's totally normal, but you have to get over that fear and decide what you want. His response to you with the cards and such is very normal. His response to get angry with you is also totally normal. He feels guilty and responds to you in anger to deal with his own emotions. You're not responsible for his happiness. You are only responsible for yours. You can't make him happy - that is on him. Figure out what you want and move forward. You're the only one who will know when you hit that point. I remember the moment I knew I was done and i called an attorney. You need to go to counseling. You're in limbo waiting to see if you're enough for this man who has no regard for your marriage and no regard for you. He's blaming you b/c he KNOWs this is wrong, but by blaming you it makes it easier for him to wrap his brain around it, justify it and relieve some of his guilt. Anger is typical with guilt and if you engage in the anger then it justifies his behavior. You're engaging in his cycle. He's good with excuses, but its time for you to make some choices for yourself instead of waiting for him to make all your choices. You and your children deserve more.

Good luck! And there is life post-divorce, but I truly do hope you can work it out.

He's already left and is trying to make it seem like its all your fault. He's more emotionally connected to this other woman because he can tell her its all your fault and she believes it. He's a cheater of the worst kind. Cheats and then doesn't take his responsibility in it.

Go see a lawyer and get financials knocked out for support for yourself and the kids. Then tell him that he's free to go live with the love his his life. The perfect woman he's so connected to. You deserve sooooo much better than him.

Your husband is not actually accepting any responsibility and blaming others for his action. He's also manipulating you, and it is working.

HE will decide soon? I think you have your answer as to if your marriage is worth saving. The counseling isn't working because he's not even trying.

Gross. Gross, gross, gross. He is gross for cheating on his wife and trying to make you feel like it is your fault, for not having the balls to get a divorce before he works on finding the next best thing, and for being a completely self centered jerk. She is gross for throwing herself a pity party in bed with a married man. They deserve each other. You deserve something BETTER.

First, this is not your fault. Where you inattentive? Probably but so was he and you didn't run out and screw the first man you had a "connection" with!!!

He had a long term affair with this lady and the ONLY reason you found out is because her husband confronted her and she confessed. He didn't come to you and confess, he was forced to. He is not taking any responsibility for his unzipped pants. Here is something I have learned " I am not responsible for other people's happiness. I am only responsible for my happiness." Sounds like after he started the affair is when he told you he felt a disconnect. Well, DUH! When there are three people in a marriage there is bond to be some disconnect.

I believe that you need to take back control. I believe you need to stop taking the blame for his affair. I believe that he needs to understand that the only person responsible for the affair is him.

I would also for a legal separation. That is taking the control back. The next time you are in the counseling session, I would state that you understand that you have some responsibility in the marriage BUT he is the one who went outside the marriage and no one made him do that but himself. He needs to own that. HE did THAT.

You can continue to fight if you want but I think him saying "he is not sure what he wants" is the answer. Talk to a lawyer now! Get your ducks in a row and take control of your life. Stop waiting for the cheater to make a decision. He lost that privilege when he crawled into bed with the other woman.

Good luck sweetie! You deserve a man who will respect you.

He's playing the blame game. You should have known what he was feeling and thinking? That's a control technique used by emotionally unavailable people - "it's your fault you didn't know my innermost thoughts, it's not up to me to share them." And HE'S making the decision about your marriage? You're not part of it?

Keep up with the counseling because, whether you say together or split, you will need to have a better emotional connection to continue to co-parent the children. I know you have not disagreed about parenting so far, but that changes when there is a stressor, a disconnect, a separation, a divorce.

I know he had this emotional connection with her - have they broken it off for good? She doesn't see all his "warts" and she doesn't live with him, and he doesn't see her faults or live with her. That whole thing needs to be dealt with as well. He may feel that the grass is greener on the other side, but the truth is, the grass is greener where you water it. If he's still tied to her in some way, your marriage cannot work out. I'm not sure it can anyway, but maybe a good try at watering it would be worth his time.

Forget waiting for him to make all of the decisions. You decide what you want! If you want to make it work, then changes need to be made. Therapy is a good start.

If he decides to leave and won't give counseling a chance, YOU WILL BE FINE! It may not be what you wanted, but YOU WILL BE OKAY.

Is the other woman leaving her husband? He may be getting pressure from both women. Don't hang around and hope he picks you. If you are immediately his #1 choice, then move on. Find somebody that will put you 1st!!!

HE is going to decide? What about you?

Is there a pattern here of your being the more passive partner and letting him rule the roost? A pattern where you blame yourself for things that are not your fault, or he makes you feel responsible for HIS actions?

I suspect that you and he have a pattern -- not just with this affair but in other aspects of your marriage -- where you are passive and he is aggressive and makes the decisions while you wait to hear what he has chosen for you both. That's certainly how the post sounds. You should not be sitting there waiting to hear what HE decides. You have a choice here too.

I am not as fast as others to insist that you divorce him. We don't know the full picture -- only what you have shared here. If there are other reasons you would want to try to save this marriage, you need much better and more intensive counseling than you are getting, and it sounds like he and you each need, separately, therapy -- I'm not talking just about more marital counseling (which you should continue IF you want to salvage this) but serious therapy, since he is "never satisfied" and is envious and self-centered, and you are passive and self-blaming.

Unless he is willing to admit he needs therapy and GETS it, and he is willing to do his half of the work on your marriage, you won't be able to salvage it. Get therapy for yourself immediately, even if it means having to find sitters for the kids etc., so you can determine if you want to keep working on this marriage. You do need to participate in either your marriage's salvage or your marriage's dissolution -- do not sit there and be passive and wait to be told what happens next. Your children need a mother who is going to advocate for them since they have a self-centered father who casts blame on others for his own envy, greed and failings; you need to be able to stand up to him and stop taking on guilt for HIS issues.
Stop waiting to see if he will leave. Either tell him to leave and get a good attorney immediately (because he sounds like he would try to screw you in a divorce and custody) or tell him he ceases all "extracurricular activities" and you both enter intensive couples counseling AND individual therapy this week.

But for heaven's sake -- and your kids' sake -- stop waiting for him to run this whole process.

Even with this pending divorce, you are both making this about his needs and what he wants and ultimately what he decides is what happens. Quite a dysfunctional relationship, if you ask me.

Ask yourself what terms YOU need to move forward in a marriage with him. The obvious one is the end the affair. The next term I would add is continued marriage counseling, and also individual counseling. (He sounds very childish emotionally. He has some weird expectation of having his needs met and understood without having to talk about it?)

I think marriage is worth fighting for, but it has to be both parties fighting for it for the marriage to survive. I don't have any experience with divorce personally so I won't try to give advice on how to manage if he leaves. I'm so sorry about what this man is doing to you and your children.

Yeah. Oh hell no, girlfriend. You seem to feel guilty and making excuses, and being way too passive for this man. He doesn't deserve it, you don't deserve it, and your kids sure as hell don't deserve to be treated and manipulated this way. I never resort to giving anyone advice that would point towards divorce. However, I would separate myself from this loser and take the kids with me. Let him figure out how to zip up his pants and take some responsibility before ever thinking of allowing him back in yours.

I would be furious he thinks "he" gets to decide whether or not to keep you. What makes him think after his actions that YOU would still want to be married to HIM? I'm sorry, but he must think very highly of himself. Do you, really want to be married to him, or are you mostly just scared of becoming divorced? To be scared is totally understandable. I would advise you to start seeking support and resources to protect yourself. I hope you call an attorney as soon as possible. I am so sorry, but I hope YOU leave HIM. He doesn't deserve you.

He's trying to ease his own guilt and justify his actions by blaming you. It's time to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and ask him to move out. I think some time apart is in order for him to see that the grass isn't always greener. And you have to respect yourself. He is a cheater in the worst way- emotionally and physically. If he can't make decisions, make them for yourself and your kids. You ALL deserve better.

You deserve better. I know it is hard to move on but you will be happier. He is blaming you for this whole thing? He can not even take responsibility for his actions. Would you want your daughter to stay with someone like that? Best of luck.

Do you see just how faulty the logic is in the line of BS he is trying to feed you?
I hope do.
If he can't say NOW that he is 100%!committed to your marriage & family?
If he can't promise you that ALL communication and interaction with this "woman" is over?
If he's not willing to kiss your feet and beg you to take him back?
See ya.

Don't put up with his BS. This man does not care about you or the children you have together. He sounds like a narcissist to me. You need to get into counseling for yourself, find out why you are so ready to accept this treatment from him or anyone.

You deserve better than a man who CHEATS on you then blames you for his faults. Dump his cheating - lying arse and move on.

Ugh. This jerk is playing you. He is immature and irresponsible and you do not have to wait for him to make up his mind. Thats BS. YOU decide. You decide for you and your kids.

It sounds like "I'm very scared" is the biggest thing holding you in this relationship. Make yourself sure of who you are and what you want. Then pursue that. If you choose that he MAY stay then set ground rules for how he "gets" to stay. If you choose that he should go, then he goes. Period end of sentence.

Talk to an attorney now. Knowing what your options and problems are makes all fear easier to handle.

Listen to Kim O. and go to www.survivinginfidelity.com

The train left the station two plus years ago and you didn't know it until now. He is blaming you for his happiness and life style.

Well since you both work in the same professional field, I would feel that you should be able to provide for yourself but he has to pay child support for what he has done.

Do seek an attorney for what is yours. It is time for you to be the bigger person and the adult. You have two children to raise and you need to put on the big girl panties and do it. Stop feeling scared or alone. Think of what you want and just do it. He has no say in your future plans.

Put him out after you speak to an attorney and know your rights. You don't want to be Charles, Diana and Carmella. We all know how that ended. Don't be strung along hoping and wishing. Life is too short for all this unneeded unwanted drama.

Good luck to you in the future. Please do keep us posted.

the other S.

PS You are only responsible for your own happiness no one else's.

Sweetheart, he's already left.

"He is not sure what he wants but feels bad he is keeping me in limbo and will likely decide soon."

This is THE BIGGEST BS EVER and HELL NO.

No he doesn't get to decide. The marriage you had is OVER and if you want a new one you are going to have to fight for it but this is how you fight. OPEN YOUR HANDS AND LET HIM GO. Men love the chase. Walk away. Work on you. Work on life for yourself without him in it and if he chooses to follow after you then you have a chance but if he doesn't you will be well on your way to a better life with perhaps someone new that will love, cherish and tend to your needs.

No woman ever won a man over by begging them to be with her and the kind of man you win that way isn't the kind of man worth being in a relationship with.

I say to you get some counseling for yourself only.

Get your financial house in order by knowing ALL of his financial business. Sometimes men stall to clean out their financial house out to keep you and the kids from his "wealth". Don't let this happen to you.

Don't be scared. Pull yourself together. Do you want to see one of your kids going though this when they are old enough to? If not be the model of what you want them to mirror.

I'm praying strength for you to do the tough things you must do but taking the brunt of his affair just ain't it. Stop letting him string you along. Become a NEW and IMPROVED you.

My humble advice:
You should look up the definition of a narcissist and see if he fits. If he does you may never be able to please him. It doesn't mean that your marriage can't work but knowing who he is will give you the tools to deal with him.
Set boundaries. Most men love women who love AND limit them. Get the book, "Why men love b*tches." There is some (not all) good advice in there for women who are nice. Read everything you can about relationships!
Know that you BOTH will make the decision about the marriage ending or continuing. It is not just in his hands. Your waiting for his decision may be giving him more power than he needs. Get smarter about dealing with him. Not playing games. Just smarter, more loving and less wounded.
Give him hugs if you feel like it. Acknowledge his value if it is there.
Try slowly and surely getting in tune with who you are and what you like. Remember who you were when you were a little girl. What were your hopes and dreams.
Do small things (not related to work or family) for yourself that no one knows about.
Take strong daily looks at your husband. Look at him as if he is not your man. Carefully appraise him. Like an eagle. What do you see? Be honest.
Take walks and think.
Look at yourself in the mirror (no matter) and say I'm good and I'm doing the best I can. I'm worthy of love.
Peace and blessings. I did all of these myself : )