Advice on What to Do When Your 11 Year Old Talks Back!

Lots of times a child doesnt hear the way they sound, tape him and play it back, then mimic the way he sounds. Keep the tape and when he starts play the tape. he will get the message.

send him to law school!! He sounds just like me (and I'm a lawyer). Always has to have the last word... I'm sorry you're going through this...

Not laugh, but I am so in the exact same spot, especially him and his dad.
Staying calm myself is helping a bit. When he starts I ask go to his room until he can learn to talk. It is getting better, but him and myhusband are butting heads big time. I keep telling DH not to engage but he still does. Worse thing you can do is threats without conquences, that is what hubs is doing, and it is back firing on him and me.

good luck, once we figure this stage out I am sure they will take us on a whole nother parent trip.

I agree with Laurie.
I completely ignore my children when they whine- they know it. It is like they are not even there or talking. When a normal tone returns- then I pay attention.
Back talk is not tolerated either. I never give in just to move past it! Your son knows you will- he knows how to push your buttons and he is doing it. My son is an arguer (he loves to argue- with anyone about anything- just because) so when he starts arguing the conversation ends. I just stop talking- now that doesn't mean he gets his way because he does not- I just don't argue with him. I say I am not going to argue with you and zip it. He gets the point soon enough and if it was something like go clean your room and he argues I already did- or why?, etc.... he usually just goes along with my point once the arguement has stopped.
Also if you take something from him (say video games for 1 week) explain to him ONCE why, what he did, when he will get it back and that is it. I would also tell him that if he asks for it, whines about it, yells or tries to blame someone else he will lose it for "x"-days longer, etc. He can only get it back when you say so. And do not give it back early- not for any reason. At least to start with to prove that you mean what you say. If you are inconsistant and always back down just so you don't have to hear it anymore then you will never get this to stop and it will just get worse.
Here is an example- my sister is 13 years younger than I.... she is only 5 years older then my oldest child. My mom (even when young like 2) would give her what she wanted so she would stop crying or whining. This continued on and on. She is almost 16 now and she completely controls my parents house, lives,etc. She says where she is going, what she is doing, when she is doing it. If my parents had plans- too bad, change them because she is going ..... She always gets her way about things (she smokes and probably drinks, maybe even flirted with drugs and I know is having sex-yep my parents know too but say "what can we do" she doesn't listen to us) because was easier to give her what she wanted when she was younger- now she is out of control and does as she pleases. It is too late- my parents can not change her now. She knows how to take advantage of them and what to say and do to get her own way.
Your son is learning that now too. Nip this in the bud NOW.
Hope this helps :)

I think you are on the right track by taking away x,y, z, but when he begins to argue/whine to receive it back, simply say,"The longer you whine or bug me about getting it back, the longer it will be taken away. I don't want to hear any more about it. I'll give it back to you when I see fit. Period." Then begin talking about other things. He should get the picture soon enough, but be sure you stick to the deal. Don't cave in and give him x, y, z too soon. Good luck! Parenting is hard (I know, my boys are 6 and 12). :-)

I have a strong, assertive tone that comes off wrong - I always have. I remember feeling frustrated as a kid and saying the same thing your son is saying, "I'm just explaining to you...". I received a piece of advice that I now use with my 12 year old son who is beginning to 'talk back' and he says he is just explaining - the advice was..."It's not what you say, it's how you say it". That was a real eye opener for me and it has made a difference with my son. I'm not saying it is an end-all-be-all to the talking back but it truly has helped. A calm discussion with him explaining this, helped with my son. But when he does get 'that' tone, I tell him - "It's not an option to take that tone with me, when you're ready to speak to me in a different tone, come let me know" and I walk off. Part of our job as a parent is to help teach our children how to communicate. Don't 'expect' them to know how to do it. At this age they are going through so many changes physically, emotionally, socially and academically that they need our guidance. Personally, I don't see how taking things away from him helps him learn how to communicate, but that's just me. Good luck!

This is so normal and sooooooo frustrating! You have probably heard about the "Love and Logic" books. They will really really help. The book is sort of a bible in helping you know how to respond. Grab a copy or get a video to watch. Great advice that will really help.

Sounds like puberty is rearing its ugly head. With "talking back" do you mean being rude or just explaining his take on things instead of saying "yes" to whatever it is? Rudeness is not to be tolerated, but it can be very instructive to hear what is going on in his head right now. He is "closed for construction" as his brain gets rewired into that of a man. So be patient, this too will pass.

Do not, however, give in. Despite the yelling and the whining, hold your ground, even if you think the punishment you chose might have been too harsh. You can react differently next time. Clear boundaries will stop some of the "back-talk" since he will understand that it won't do him any good, Mom does what she says and says what she does. Set a time he can have his toys or whatever back and stand firm. Repond to repeated requests and whining with "I answered that question already." and ignore him. Sometimes things get worse before they get better and it is our job to weather the storm. We have all been through it, I promise it gets better.

My 11 year old son is similar - he just has to have that last word. We have talked to him and told him that this "talking back" is disresptful - and that it is not a good thing. We want to hear him out - we want him to share his opinions and thoughts - but we expect him to be respectful and not argumentative. When he starts to become argumentative we just stop him - he is not allowed to talk to us in that tone - we won't listen. If he persists even after correction - he knows there will be other consequences - those vary dependent on the situation. I believe that the "punishment should fit the crime" and it doesn't seem that taking away his things is getting the point across to your son.

Kids this age are wrestling with becoming autonomous as they enter the teen years. They want independence - but it is also frightening. Also taking ownership of their own behavior is an issue. It is ALWAYS someone else's fault... so we work on owning our actions with our son. He controls what comes out of his mouth, he controls what he does - good or bad - then he has to deal with the result! It is hard to grow up!! I try to rememeber that when I am frustrated!

I agree with the parent who suggested the "Love and Logic" series.

A two pronged appraoach worked with my son.

First, I stopped arguing. I calmly told him whatever I had to. If he continue to argue, I stopped talking. If he contued after that I went into the bathroom, shut the door and pretended to take a bath. If he continued still, I got in the car and drove off. After several days of this, he stopped. But he needs this approach from everyone involved: the whole family. The situation must get worse in order for it to get better. It was very hard for me to hear that the reason my son did this was becauses he was spoiled, but I finally forgave myself when I realized that I did that in order to save my sanity. Little did I know that I was making things worse when I gave in.

The second thing to do is nutrition. I know that sounds weird, but I am an educational consultant, and have found that the "my way or the highway" type of kid needs a few things they may not be getting. To find out if nutrition is even an issue, try giving him this for his breakfast: a smoothie made with fruit, almond milk, and protein powder (for amino acids), digestive enzymes (from the drug store), and a stress B vitamin (you will notice that it has over 1000% RDA of some of the Bs, but he may really need it!). Do this for 2 or 3 days. If you see a big difference, get The UltraMind Solution by Dr. Mark Hyman from the library and take the quizzes to see exactly which supplements will help him mellow out naturally.

This 2 pronged approach worked for my son and other kids; hope it works for you!

K. Johnson, MS Ed
www.pyramidofpotential.com

I don't think I can solve your problem (sorry), but I've noticed a common theme lately with many posts similar to yours. A lot of Moms who have the same problem you're dealing with often mention that they "give in eventually". You son knows that if he whines enough/makes enough of a fuss, YOU'LL EVENTUALLY GIVE IN. Once he knows that this is no longer an option, things might change.

Personally, I have NO patience for whining and never have. When my daughter was tiny (as in toddler), if she whined, I simply said - "I can't understand you when you whine, so please talk in a normal voice and I'll be able to understand you. My daughter hasn't whined since she was 2 and she's now 10. We don't stand for back talk of any kind in my house and my husband is the first to say - "you don't speak to your Mother or me in that tone". We very rarely have to say that. People always say that we're "lucky" that we have an "easy" child who is respectful. That is true, however, we've worked really hard at not giving in simply because it was easier in the short term. My MIL always said - don't make a threat you don't intend to make good on. She was right. We never have and my daughter understands that there is no negotiation on some points, therefore, all the whining/talking back is never going to make us give in so she just doesn't bother.

Sorry this is so long - we also spend a lot of family time together every day including sitting down to dinner as a family and then we usually do something together after dinner at least for a little while. I think kids really need that in order to feel like they're important and listened to. Conversation at dinner really helps us stay connected.

Good luck - I think you've gotten a lot of good advice here. Pick what you think might work.

Taking away things as you see is only casuing more frustrations. It sounds like a little bit of a control issues??? I would suggest that you and your son sit down, at a quiet time, and talk about how he would like you to talk to him, and also HOW YOU WANT him to respond to you. There should be a NO WORD rule which means these are the words we do NOT say. With brother and sister, you need to explain to him that you need him to HELP you with them, play with them, not argue, remember you are the older brother, and it is helpful to understand that they are younger and don't understand as you do to share, clean up, not to fight and argue. If help him to feel as if he is important to you and his brother and sister as a BIG Brother, this will help him to see he is not being left out since they are younger and of courseneed more of your time. This process takes time, and you should maybe spend some time just with the older one, alone once in awhile, this helps so much more then taking away things. That is just a trigger to bug you even more. Hope this helps, I have a web page on here, or email me at ____@____.com Good Luck and remember, it is all about timing, make time to make it worth it.

If the ignoring the behavior doesn't work....A lot of kids will challenge authority at this age. They also mirror what they feel they see as adult behavior, because they feel they are becoming adults since they are going through or so close to puberty. Some of the problems also have to do with hormonal mood swings. Unfortunately for me, both my son and I are going through hormonal imbalances together. (puberty and perimenopause) You can imagine the 2 of us yelling together in harmony. (Not exactly, my hubby's favorite symphony to listen to.) I have found that the best thing I ever did with my son was to sit him down and talk WITH him, not AT him. This means explaining the real meat of the birds and bees that the school doesn't teach correctly....The hormonal mood swings of both of us. The good part is that perimenopause reminds me of how I felt when I was a teenager, because perimenopause is just puberty in reverse. I mentioned about how I feel like just punching someone for no reason and how it's related to horomones and how to control that urge. We really need to teach our children how to control their minds, behavior, and stress before it controls them. Talking very openly and frankly with your child increases the bonding and decreases the talking back. You also have to admit your own faults, since we are not perfect either so your son knows that the rules of politeness are for everyone.

I cannot understand whining.
I do not respond to back talking.
I want to know what you are thinking, so write it down and when I have a moment , I will read it.

"The Wonder of Boys" by Michael Gurian is mind changing - I highly recommend it for understanding our boys, how they work, how they are changing and what they need. His research in neurobiology is phenomenal - but his main work is in family counseling. He explains things with lots of real life examples, so it's not hard to understand. And it's great to read with a child so they understand the huge growth they are going through.

absolutely positively stand your ground every single time! And blessedly, this too shall pass, but not if you give in!

I found this article to be helpful:

http://www.empoweringparents.com/How-to-Stop-Your-Kids-Ba...

Good luck!

Luckily we don't have the issue very often now but a couple years ago our daughter always had to have the last word and talked back.

She ended up without her phone and laptop for a while as well as not socializing with some friends and she straightened up.

One thing I did note.....there were a couple of friends who were disrespectful to teachers/parents/etc and once she ended those friendships (THANK GOD) she became a much better teen.