Advice on What to Do About My Sister's Parenting

I would say definitely do not give your sister advice. Think of the last time someone tried to "correct" your parenting. It does not go well.

You might also try the book "How Much is Enough?" by Jean Illsey Clarke or the book "Living Simply with Children" by Marie Sherlock. I'd recommend reading them yourself first. You could leave them strategically out at your house and see if she picks them up - but giving them to her as a "gift" will be seen as the comment on her parenting that it is.

Since the children are not being abused or otherwise mistreated, I think your best bet is to wait until your sister tells you she's becoming concerned ("We have so much stuff! Cleaning it all is driving me crazy!") ("I think my kids have too much stuff - every holiday they get so greedy!") If she never brings it up, I don't think you should.

I have a similar situation with my Sister and Brother-in-law. It sounds like they are successful at work and it's possible that they are giving so much "stuff" to compensate for the fact that they're not around their kids as much as they'd like. Unfortunately, saying something to them about this situation will probably not help and may only serve to upset or alienate them. Like everyone, they're doing the best they know how. I know it's hard to sit back and watch them create children who may have a harsh reality slap in store for them in the future, but there isn't much you can do except model good behavior from you and from your children. I'm sure they'll notice the behavior difference between your children and theirs.

I too am in the camp of not directly discussing their parenting style. My suggestions have to do with managing the STUFF, and hoping that is a catalyst for change in mindset. I have suggestions on two routes you can take. One would be to pick an organization that would specifically benefit from donations of toys and clothes: a women's shelter, children's hospital, someplace that sends care packages to children in need here in the U.S. or internationally. Suggest it as a family event. Enlist your sister and nieces' help supporting this organization and in gathering a few things that they have "outgrown" or "would like to share with little kids who have nothing" and take the kids along to drop off the donation. This may plant a seed of thought in your sister's mind and will definitely start some questions going in your nieces' heads. OR A way that I found my own kids enjoying their toys more and being satisfied with "less" was to rotate. Half of the stuff goes in some bins of somesort and goes into storage for 2 wks to 2 months. When things go back out onto the "playing floor" sometimes they are like new to my kids - and sometimes we learn that they are no longer appreciated and can be donated to kids in need. As far as your older niece's manipulating and non-cleaning behaviour - I wish for you the strength to keep standing your ground and keep up your expectations for them. You can and should expect certain behaviour from them when they are in your care - even if it is different then what they (don't have to) do when they are at home.
Good Luck to you - G.

J.,
I truly feel for your situation. It's beyond frusterating to see children you care about raised in a way that you know will cause them trouble later on. I'm going to go with Dawn and Pam's advice...and take it for myself as well. I think you might get a book on parenting "No and why kids need to hear it" or any of the others suggested here, read it yourself and pass it on to her as something you read and want to share because it's great(to hopefully avoid her feeling criticized); but also tread lightly because although it's hard to keep it to yourself, she may have her reasons and unless she asks for your advice it may create a space between you that you don't want. Good luck!

Barry Neil Kaufman wrote a wonderful, inexpensive book called "To Love Is To Be Happy With." It contains a chapter with very wise thoughts about negotiating with children, and another one on looking at one's own discomfort when one thinks it's about the other person. In this case, J., if you're just observing your sister and wanting her to be happy, that's one thing. On the other hand, if you're eating yourself up with frustration about what you see, then this book will tell you what questions to ask yourself so you can come to a place of ease and peace, no matter what your sister does.

David Walsh has written a new book called "NO" Why kids of all ages need to hear it. You could get her a copy if you think she'd read it.

As for Easter presents - we do that. When I was growing up we always got an Easter basket with candy and usually 1 toy. Now that I am a mother, I enjoy giving my child a gift. Maybe it's because he's only 21 months old and doesn't need or eat a lot of junk food (he only likes M&Ms) or maybe because it's tradition. Who knows. I like our idea of scaling back the amount of sweets and giving toy(s). This year he got a ton of little cars (a cheap purchase made off craigslist - but he doesn't know what they cost or that they aren't even brand new).

So in my opinion Easter presents aren't such a bad idea.