Advice on Teenage Nephew Now Living with Our Family

Gee, sounds like typical sibling behavior and typical teen age behavior.

If the kids won't do their chores and pick up after themselves, they need consequences and need to lose priviledges.

The 15 year old is too old for a babysitter, but the younger three aren't. It might be in your best interest to go ahead, finances permitting, to have someone come in and do occasional babysitting and light house keeping.

I'd have a sit down with the older two - as they will set the tone for the younger two and get them on your side and to be a united front in some areas - such as chores. And put some rules around their interaction with one another.

The 7 year old probably idolizes the 15 year old and just wants to hang out etc. If the 15 year old could structure some some for his little cousin, that will make a big difference. Like a guys day where they can go to the park and play ball or to the mall or something like that. And the 7 year old agrees to give the 15 year old his space otherwise.

Hubby needs to back you up on this.

What a lucky young man to have an aunt like you who was willing to take him in and be a second mom.

My guess you you need to impose consequences that make sense. I've said it a million times on this site......."Love and Logic" works! For example, if they are fighting constantly over the video game system you can step in. Tell them to work it out in a fair manner while respecting each other. If they do not, and quickly, unplug the system and take it. Lock it in the trunk of your car. Tell them that you will think about returning it when they manage to get along better. AND DON'T GIVE IT BACK....... at least not for a couple of days. BE STRONG! If you have to take it to a friend and have her hide it in her garage.

That in mind......a little fighting is okay. This is how your kids learn how to work out things. If you always intervene they don't learn how to handle situations themselves. So....... if you don't think anyone will get physically hurt, or that one persons self-esteem is being crushed........then personally I think it is okay to let them fight a bit....... with limits. You can demand they keep a certain volume level, respect, etc.

It's time for hubby to step in. The boys need a strong man's voice to let them know this is unacceptable. Have both boys come up with some ideas that would make both of them happy so the 15yr old has some space & the 7 yr old has some big brother interaction e.g. they play one board game a day, go for a bike ride for 30 min, take a walk around the block, clean up together after younger 2 go to bed. Have the 2 older boys come up with a chore schedule too. By having them come up with interaction times & a chore schedule together, that will help them with problem resolution techniques & maybe help them bond in a positive way.

And I just want to say kudos to you & your husband for taking in your nephew & giving him the opportunity for a better home life & education.

Have you tried a family meeting when you are not in the heat of the moment. This is a good time to set some ground rules when everyone is not upset and fighting. Once you have set the rules, follow through with consequences. Eventually, they will realize that you mean business and stick to the plan. Consistency and consequences is the best way to handle things. Good luck!!

Ah fighting...ah teenaged boys...ah....number one) relax .First and congratulations on helping this young man become successful in his teen years.
As a mother of two boys I have to say we hate the ear piercing fighting but it happens. As a sister in a large family, we were always arguing. Ear plugs are quite useful. And like Patty W. said, you need the consequences. Next I said relax. Sometimes things are not going to be perfect and we really need to accept that. Such as our homes. If they are so trashed that it is unlivable then by all means, take whatever it is on the floor, no questions asked (toys, remotes, etc) and throw them out. That's one way. The next way is to get baskets and tell them here is your red basket, put your stuff in it or you won't see it for awhile. And then dump it in the trunk of your car for a week. Even cel phones...whatever.
Finally, one poster said Dad should step in. Now I figure if Dad were to step in he already would have. I have never seen a Dad step in unless a frantic screaming woman begged him to do so. Sometimes they do begrudgingly but a lot of them won't. They figure it's your job or they don't notice the same problems we women do. That's where us relaxing comes in. There are a lot of Dad's who are able to relax because they have limited eyesight. In that case I say we should all run out and get dark glasses.
As far as the babysitting situation goes, we used to have wonderful moments when mom was gone. It was very peaceful. And to this day I can't tell you why, only to not be so nervous. Perhaps work more???

Hi K.,

One thing that stood out to me that might be impacting your situation is your nephew babysitting. It might be difficult for your son to understand his role in the family...a cousin? a brother? a playmate? a parent/disciplinarian? Have you talked with your nephew as to how he should babysit? I am not sure how a 15 yr. old boy would be. :) Maybe set firm rules as to when issues arise when he is "in charge" and how to handle them...making sure to include you as the one to make the decisions and so that you are the one that is disciplining. Good luck. :)

While I haven't read this book myself, I've gotten raves from several young families who have used it, and it sound like it may be useful in your household. It's Siblings Without Rivalry, by Faber and Mazlish.

I rely heavily on another book by the same authors, called How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. You may find this one even more helpful. The authors have a long history of leading parenting workshops, and teach parents how their children can propose their own solutions to all sorts of classic problems, including attitude, responsibility and trust issues. The coaching in this book would be effective for all of your children (though the 2yo would probably have language limitations).

My grandson has responded wonderfully to this approach. These authors know what they're talking about!