I have a 3 year old d.s. whose father is not a part of his life. I just recently started dating a wonderful man whom my d.s. adores. The problem is that recently when I spend time with my b.f., my son becomes jealous. Very jealous. My bf and I don't get too see each other very often and most of the time our kids are with us. Usually the jealously shows itself just with him jumping in my lap and being very possesive of me. Last night was one of the few occasions where I had a sitter for the evening. By the time I got home my d.s. was asleep. This morning he informed me I was to never leave him at night again. He knows where I'm going and he really likes the b.f. I just don't know how to handle his jealous streak. He almost makes the next day a nightmare with his constant need for attention. Does anyone know how I can make the transition easier for my son?
I wanted to thank everyone for your advice. I think we have managed to work through his jealousy issues. my ds now tell my bf how much he misses him and that he loves him. Of course he "loves" everybody right now but I like seeing how we seem to have moved past his being upset anytime my bf shows me attention. Thanks moms!
Hea!! Don't let him start telling you what and what not to do, you are the parent. I think getting a sitter is the best thing to do, but sometimes take the time to share your new bo with the child. You're on the right path
He is inadvertently telling you he needs more focus time. I'm sure you feel like you do give him enough, but there is some piece of the puzzle missing. There is possibly already some level abandoment because of his father not being around. He may fear you leaving as well. Make sure you give him some special time before you go focusing entirely on him. Play a game, read a book, sing together...don't watch tv because it steals that focus time. That will help. Then maybe you can include your boyfriend and his kids as well as your son in an all movie night...all meaning you all attend. Pick a couple of options that would be suitable for everyone's eyes and take turns letting one of the kids choose the movie from the options you and your boyfriend select. The other thing to consider is are you and your boyfriend potentially getting serious? It is just something to think about. Because some kids feel unstable, lonely, scared and as if they have lost someone when they have a parent that brings home different dates. If I were out dating, I dont think I would want my kids involved until I knew there was at least potential for a future of stability. Good luck and I hope you are all able to make the transition that works for you.
B. :)
Well let me tell you I have a 3 yr old son, it's not easy with their jealousy period. I'm married to my son's father and he is jealous of his own dad. While it can be upsetting, it's a phase. He knows you love him but need reasured as to it. But you are still boss, I'm not saying he should get into trouble over how he is acting but remind him how much you love him and that you will always be there for him. And if at all possible, taking that your serious with your b.f., have them do some things together. It could be just playing cars on the living room floor while you fix dinner or something. But he will soon feel that he has 2 people who care about him and are there for him.
You need to stay firm with your son. I had trouble with my 3 boys, I took them to a couniler it got so bad. The counciler said I had to stay firm. I know it's really difficult, we went through a phase where my oldest son told me for almost 2 months straight that he hated me and I didn't love him. My younger 2 started to follow suit. It really hurt me to hear my boys say that, but all you can do is stay firm, don't give in and tell him you love him every chance you get. Now that the "I hate you phase" is over all of my boys will tell me several times a day that they love me and don't know what they would do without me. If you tell your son every chance you get that you love him and will always be there you'll get past this phase. Tell him that you will be back and that you love him and when you get home go in and tell him you're home. Even if he's asleep kiss him and tuck him in. Just stand firm and make sure he know's you're "the boss" and that you will never leave him and always love him. Has your bf talked to your son? Maybe if they had a "sit down" and it you bf told you son that he wants to be a part of his life and that he would never let anyone take his mommy away it might help. It will get better, you just have to believe it will. Good luck and Blessed Be.
Hi S.. My daughter when through the same thing with my now husband. My husband has been in our life since my daughter was one. She is now 5 and still gets jealous when I give him attention. A thing that seemed to work for us was quality time with your son and bf. Also, just always make sure you make him feel included. Be sensitive, but your son still needs to know that this other person is important to you.
My kids doctor told me to spend 15 minutes out of each hour that I am with my kids totally focused and playing with them. My days go much easier after doing this.
As for your specific situation, any child of a divorced parent I believe has trust, abandonment, and jealousy issues. My parents are both divorced and re-married. Now that I am an adult I believe my relationship with all four of my parents may have been better had more of their focus been on getting me to like my stepparents. They just made their decisions like I didn't exist and I saw them together and wondered why they didn't pay that much attention to me. Now, my sister and I along with our husbands and children are our own family. We took second place so long that our parents are more like those aunts and uncles you hardly know. Holidays, birthdays and everything its like our parents really did go off and get new families. Maybe you and your bf should both play with your son and be together with the focus on your son until he is asleep. I mean this is what a child expects from parents and it feels safe insted of threatining to them. Once he no longer feels like your bf is compeating with him or going to take you away he will be happy to see you being affectionate toward eachother because he will know both of you love him. If you can't do this I would not bring your son into the mix until the relationship is to this point.
I was a single mother for a while myself, it is not an easy thing. It sounds as though your son is a pretty smart 3 year old so I would just tell him that you still love him and always will and how special he is too you that he was there before your bf so he will always have a special place in your heart, this may work itself out, how long have you been dating this guy? He may get to know the guy and become attached to him and the problem will not be an issue anymore. Let him know that there will be times when you will be gone, mommies need time too you know!! :)
Be Firm. Whether you are single or dating there should be one night a week that you "date" and it's just adults. He'll be with a sitter or at a sleep over. You need to tell him that mommy loves him but she is an adult and needs her time to do adult things. Things that he cannot do with you.
I know you are probably close with him but he does not have to be your "everything" Gone are the days where a woman is expected to devote all of her time to her children and home and neglect everythinng else.
To balance date night have family night. Where just you and he hang out and play Candy Land, Uno, Old Maid, Crazy 8s, and any other kid appropriate game without the tv or radio being on. Then your bf and his kids come over for Friends night and you do the same thing only add video games, movies rented/bought for the occasion and lots of junk food. Trade off evenings at the Bf's place with evenings at yours for Friends night and all the kids get to invite their friends too after a few months.
As a step kid I never really had a good relationship with my mother or step fathers. Usually my mother devoted a lot of time to dating them and we were just left with my grandparents. My mother also reinvented herself prior to finding a new man and once the facade crumbled so did the relationship. It was hard to watch and even harder to hear her say that "she wanted someone to love" her and when we told her we loved her she said that wasn't enough. Finally I gave up my need to be completed by a man and found one that loves me flaws and all, but my sister is still suffering from it.
Don't change to be with anyone.
i am a 26 yr old mom and my son who is now 6 was 3 yrs old when i started seeing my current boyfriend it was really hard especially with boys they are all about there moms. I had to make sure that he knew from the beginning that my love for him in no way would change if i was to have a man aroud, it was almost like my son was jealous of my bf?? Sounds crazy but its true for me and my son it just took some getting used to with time like everything else it got better and now him and my son are like best friends!! you may ask more questions if you like i say give it time that is what i had to do and also i made sure to give my son a little extra attention in the beginning when he was around, just to assure him that no one was gong to take his mom away
