Advice on Potty Training - Fennville,MI

This sounds really mean but when my 7 year old was 3 she did the same thing. I didnt know what to do. I asked my doctor what she thought the problem was. She thought that maybe it was for attention. That she liked when mommy had to clean her up. So the doctor told me to make her clean her own underwear out. Well long story short...i did exactly that. She hated rinsing her poopy underwear in the toilet and hated washing them with soap in the sink and she started going onn the potty.

May I ask if you are using so called training pants or do you have him in underwear...I feel those trainers are too comfortable, in order to make my daughter not go in her pants, I had to start using regular big girl panties, she liked the character ones so well, she didn't want to have to throw them away and it was simply too uncomfortable for her to potty in them. Don't know that it will help, but worth a try.

Good Luck!

Hi D.,
My son is also 3. He would do the same thing. I could sometimes make it to the potty but he would never poop in the potty. We would ask him where he is supposed to go and he would say in the potty but still would not do it. Then he started holding it and didn't poop for 3 days. Finally, my husband, of all people, worked with him for one night. He kept putting him on the potty and it worked. My son got to pick out 2 new matchbox cars, which he calls his "poopoo cars". That was all it took. He hasn't gone in his pants since. He will even come running in from outside and yell that he has to go to the bathroom. All I can tell you is, once it clicks he'll do it. I was getting so frustrated and getting mad at him which is why he probably did so well with my husband. He also still gets peepee treats and 3 pieces of Hershey chocolate when he goes #2. The cars worked really well too. Hope this helps.
Denis

RELAX, MAYBE YOUR SON IS JUST NOT READY. KEEP REINFORCING THE QUESTION. MY DAUGHTER WAS FOUR BEFORE SHE WOULD GO POOP ON THE POTTY - SHE WAS SCARED TO DEATH, I DO NOT KNOW WHY. WE TRIED EVERYTHING. SHE WOULD GO PEE PEE NO PROBLEM, EVEN DURING THE NIGHT BUT THEN WHEN IT CAME TO POOP - SHE WOULD BEG ME FOR A PULL UP. SHE WOULD HOLD IT UNTIL SHE BECAME CONSTIPATED - SO I GAVE IN AND PUT ON THE PULL UPS FOR POOP. THE REST OF THE TIME SHE WORE UNDERPANTS AND NEVER HAD AN ACCIDENT. I DON'T KNOW - BUT I JUST RELAXED ABOUT IT. THEY SAY THAT IT IS BAD FOR YOUR CHILD TO PUSH THEM IF THEY ARE NOT MATURE ENOUGH ABOUT POTTY TRAINING, YOU COULD END UP WITH A BED WETTER OR SOMETHING. JUST KEEP TRYING BUT TRY NOT TO GET SO UPSET. IT WILL WORK OUT MOMMY. THEY ARE ONLY BABIES ONCE, AND THEY GROW UP SO FAST. YOU WILL SEE. GOOD LUCK S. H.

Whoa! Back up the truck, here. :) I know you'd like a potty trained child, and I sympathize with your frustration! But please believe that your child would prefer to use the potty independently and NOT pee/poop on himself. He's just beginning to learn how to do this. He'll do it faster with your love, understanding, support, and non-frustrated presence.

Let's look at it from your child's perspective: Your 3 year old has used a diaper for 3 years because in our culture, that's what parents do, diaper their kids! But diapering wasn't his choice - that was your choice as his parent, for your convenience. So, for the last THREE YEARS (really think about how long that is for him - it's his whole life, forever!), he's been taught to go to the bathroom in his diapers. Really take a deep breath and realize that when we diaper our kids from birth to 2 or 3 years of age, we are training them to go in their diapers. We diaper train them. Then we toilet train them. And that can be a bit confusing for our little ones - it's a big change in the routine! The rules are all of a sudden really different.

So here's your son, diaper trained like all the other kids in our culture. He's great. He's following the rules & doing what he's been taught - going in the diaper. Then, magically, at age 3, the rules change! He's given 3 DAYS of intensive training (only 3 days, not 3 years like the diapering), and now you expect him to just *BAM* switch over from diapers to potty? With no or very few accidents? Please! Do you see how that sounds now?

My advice, take it or leave it of course: Time to readjust your expectations and relax. AND to congratulate your son - he is doing BRILLIANTLY. One or 2 accidents a day - that's fabulous! Celebrate it! He's STILL LEARNING how to get back in touch with the physical sensation of "having to go to the bathroom" and then he has to realize that he needs to get to the bathroom. That timing is a little bit tricky especially for these little people! It's even tricky for babies who aren't diaper trained (a lot of the world doesn't diaper because it's just not feasible - no $$ or ability to launder cloth diapers, etc.).

Remember: this is a PROCESS, like helping your son learn to crawl, cruise, walk. Or eat from a bottle and then mushy food and then regular food. It's a process, meaning it takes time AND mistakes *will* happen which is good because that's how we learn! Did your son learn to walk without ever falling? Of course not. Did he eat neatly and perfectly from the beginning, without ever getting food all over his face or spitting something out? No. SAME with pottying. Just understand that accidents will happen, use them as *positive* experiences, to work as a team to clean up the mess/the clothes. NO shaming, NO frustration, NO pressure. Just love and support and understanding. Set him up for success.

Please go easy on your son - he probably DOES care about pooping/peeing in his pants. He's just beginning to learn how NOT to poop/pee in his pants. Please understand that if he goes in his pants, it's probably because:

1) he's just doing what he is most used to, and remember that change is often difficult for preschoolers/toddlers - heck, it's often hard for ADULTS!

2) he wanted to make it to the bathroom, but couldn't make it in time, but HE GETS IT (that dirty pants aren't comfy) and TELLS YOU -- be grateful that he tells you!!! And be compassionate - say, "Let's get you cleaned up, and I'll put a little plastic potty near where you're playing so it's easier for you to get to the bathroom when you need to go!"

3) he's really focused on something interesting (a toy, a book, a tv show) and gets so into it that he forgets about pottying (because hey, for 3 years, he's had that diaper, remember?) - again, compassion here, "I know you were so interested in that toy that you forgot you had to pee! Next time I'll try to remind you if it's been a while since you last peed."

Lastly, I agree with other mamas who have suggested going without underwear as a wonderful cause-effect learning tool for potty training. I disagree with waiting/keeping your son in diapers - he's old enough to do it. He just needs the space to try and the support & love & encouragement when he "falls down." Kids actually have MANY windows of potty training readiness - starting far earlier than we're ever told by Pampers or Huggies (that wouldn't make them any money!) or our pediatricians (there's no money in researching methods of earlier potty training). The real question is are we, as parents, ready to support our kids through potty training. :)

I'm going to leave you with the following links, and then I'm shutting up!

For more information on the different ages of readiness and practical potty training approaches:
http://www.naturalfamilyonline.com/5-diap/46-infant-potty...

And while I usually disagree w/ John Rosemond's advice, I do think he speaks very practically here: http://www.azcentral.com/families/articles/0726pottytrain...

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My little one did this at first too. I just let her go naked from the waist down, and kept the potty nearby. It took a little bit, but she got the hang of it pretty quickly. I think it's a matter of them figuring out what the before you have to go feeling feels like. I think when she had pants on she didn't realize she was going til she had already went. Good luck.

I know it may sound strange, but I potty trained my son with no pants on. It was easier to catch the accidents while naked. We would be at home and he would be naked from the waist down, after we had this mastered, we took a trip to the store and I let him pick out his own underwear, that way HE would want to keep them clean. My brother used the same technique on my nephews and it worked well for them also. Potty training a boy is a long process, took me 3 weeks for my son and only a week for my daughter. Try and stay patient, he'll pick it up. Also encourage him to clean himself when this happens, beleive me he won't like it. Good luck.

I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter we are trying to encourage to go to the potty. I am using the puul ups through the day until we master the potty. One of my friends suggested to put the underwear on and then the pull up but this did not work for my daughter. It just will take time to get them to understand this. I also have a second child, 3 months old. The peditrician I go to said being that there is change in the house it will take longer so be patient. It might get rediculous but he will get it one day. I have learned that I can't force her to potty train or it will blow up in my face.
I found a website that has potty charts, each time the child goes on the potty we put up a sticker and when the chart is full we get a special day. That may work for him but don't forget each child has their own personality and what comes with it is their own way of learning.

http://familycrafts.about.com/library/projects/blpottycha...

PS I do make her help clean up her messes. It really does not phase her if she cleans them up.

Hi D.,
I am a mother of one dealing with the same issue. My boy will even bring me a clean pair of underwear, and tell me where the poop is supposed to go 'poop in the potty' but nothing seems to get him to go on the potty. I tried the method of 'you made the mess you clean it' that someone told me worked for their boy - - horrible for us, but i do know others that it worked for. Put him the tub first, then tell him to clean 'it' up.
If you get any other advice that works, please, please let me know.
Thanks,
J.
____@____.com
Oh- Ever find hidden poopy underwear, now that's a real treat!! ha ha.

Good luck, D.! Potty training is so hard. It sounds like you're going through exactly what my daughter did with me a year ago. I know it sounds silly, but the way we got her potty trained is we took her to the store & let her pick out her own potty seat for the big potty. She didn't like the little potty that was hers, she wanted to go on the big potty. So, she went to the store & she picked out a Dora the Explorer potty seat and has been potty trained ever since. I don't know if this will help, but I was desperate too. Good luck!!
-A.

This probably won't help much, but I just wanted to write to you because I am having the same frustrations. I have a 3 year old boy and we have tried almost everything. I've just decided that when he is ready he will be ready. Yesterday and today he just happened to ask to go to the potty which was a miracle! He doesn't want to use the kid potty...just the regular toilet which seems to make him want to go more. I think because I haven't asked him in a while he has just had more interest. We have tried the reward system, regular underwear and all that stuff, but it isn't working. He is going to preschool in a few weeks and he has to be potty trained, but it's not happening anytime soon! Did you ever let him run around naked? My son does well when I let him walk around naked because he knows to go in the potty when there is no pull up on. But as soon as he has a pull up on or underwear he goes in them. So instead of my rambling I just wanted to say I feel your pain and you will get through it eventually. Our doctor says some kids just take longer and you can't push it too much until they are ready.

Good luck to you!
K.

I also have a 3 month old girl at home and am 28. We have some things in common!

Hi D...I am hoping that by now you have had alot more accident free days! I have a dyacre and begin training as soon as a child wakes up from a nap dry or stays dry between "regular" timed changings. I feel it is the routine that helps and of course bribery always works! I NEVER ask them if they have to go...I say you are going to go potty and then we will do "whatever" but first you must go potty. Following the lead of the older kids always helps too. I must say I have more success than the parents when the child goes home. I don't believe in pull-ups because they are thrown away and teaches the child nothing. I have also used the no clothes routine for my own children. If we wait too long to begin the training which probably takes about 6 months before they can go without a reminder, then we have the problem all toddlers have and that is "whatever I 'think' is right"...seems to occur again in adolescense!

If he isn't telling you yet, then he probably isn't ready. When we potty trained my daughter she did that too. It happened for 2 days and then I put diapers back on her. We tried again about a month later and the same thing. Then about a month after that and she was ready-she never went in her panties again. If their ready they will use the toilet but if they aren't, then don't push it b/c you are only going to frustrate yourself and then its going to be a bad experience. My advice is go back to diapers and try again in 4 weeks.

Hello D.,
You have received such a wide range of advice that I nearly didn't respond. But I will add that bed wetting (maybe what you're dealing with and maybe not) can sometimes be solved nutritionally. I know it sounds unusual, but I know of a number of people who were in teens or early 20s and had been through every kind of torture imagineable and it took the proper nutrition to allow their body to do what was needed. In fact, it's my experience that nearly all health challenges (and some that don't appear to be health related) can be solved with proper nutrition. So for whatever it's worth, now you know. Best of luck in your quest.

We did a Sticker Potty Chart for our son that worked out so well! First, we also did a "Boot Camp", my husband was off work for a couple weeks, so we were able to really get him focused on the task. With the sticker chart, we gave him 1 sticker for pee, 2 for poop, and 3 if he told us (before we could ask him). We told him that he would be rewarded for filling up each line. Each line held about 15 stickers. We would give him a piece of candy for his reward. Then once he filled out the entire chart (about 5 lines), he would get to pick out his very own "big boy underware"! He was thrilled about it. Within a month, he was completely potty trained. All of our friends decided to do this with their children also, and have had great results!

your post sound like me just last week... my daugter turned 3 in April and only last Friday did we finally achieve success in potty training... she is very hard headed and strong willed and was not about to let up that control.... well- we did it- it took a weekend of her being completely naked and placed on the potty ever 30 mins (yes I know its extreme)- nothing but water or milk to drink- her prize at the end of the day for no accidents was a cupcake.... when she had an accident, she cleaned it up (well papertoweled) you get the idea... today we have been accident free for 2 days- and I threw out the pullups completely... it will happen but only when he's ready to relinquish control

Hi. I'm going to just tell you what I've done with my 3 boys. My oldest will be 12 in November. He was not potty trained until August before he turned 4. My second is 4 and potty trained a few weeks after he turned 3. My third boy is going to be 3 in a few weeks and still isn't potty trained and I don't see it happening any time soon. I know some people are going to think I'm crazy but I haven't pushed potty training on any of my kids. They do it when they are ready. I offer it daily but if they don't no biggie. Since my older two have been potty trained I have had NO ACCIDENTS!! They both decided one day "I'm going to be potty trained" and they were. That was that. I can't say this is for everybody but it's worth a shot. And remember, you just had another and that is a HUGE adjustment for your older son too. Good luck!

Good luck. I have a 3 1/2 year old boy who I have been potty-training since Sept.2005. (no joke) He started out great, and then after a couple weeks decided to not poop on the potty. So he would only pee on the potty. So I decided to go cold turkey on the diapers and pullups and do only underware no matter where we were at. I did this for 3 months, and still he had pooped in his underware. It got real old and I finally used pull-ups. Then after a couple months, he decided to start to pee in his pull-ups!!! Now we are peeing okay in the potty, and he is telling me on his own that he has to poop. (but only every now and then). From my awful experiences, I have learned that the more stressed and frustrated about the situation I became the more accidents and less willing my child was to learn how to go potty. I had to accept that this might take a year, but he will not be 18 years old and still be wearing diapers. He'll learn. And now with it being almost a year...today is the first day in a LONG time that he asked to wear his big boy underware! And he hasn't had an accident! Don't stress out. You'll only make it worse. He will learn.

Have you considered infant potty training (elimination communication or EC) with your 6 month old. At least you wouldn't have the same issues when he turns 3. Here's a link: http://www.naturalfamilyonline.com/articles/potty-infant.htm

D.,

Don't get frustrated. My daughter went through that. I work at a child care center, and many MANY children go through that. It's just their way of learning. It takes some children different times to know the feeling they are supposed to feel before they potty. It will come! Keep reiterating the positive. Also, watch for things. Emma would go take her toys, stand beside the fish tank, and play with her toys, and she would always line up her toys on the top of the fish tank. Inevitably, every time she went over there and did this, she would poop in her underwear! She did this at the child care too, she would take her toys and go stand by a certain shelf. On cue, I learned to grab her and take her straight to the bathroom.
Another peice of advice. Make him clean himself up. I know this sounds painstaking, but if you make him take his pants and underwear off, and make him dump the poo in the potty himself, he is going to get tired of that, and stop poo-ing in his underwear. It worked like a charm for me.
Emma will be 4 in 10 days. She still has the occasional wetting accident. But she does so much better during the day, and at the child care. It just takes time, and patience! Hang in their!

Kim

We found something that our 3 year old daughter really enjoyed which happened to be tootsie rolls. So she got a piece of candy when she went potty, that was something that she enjoyed to have and only got them when she went potty. Also, praising your older child when he goes will help make the younger one feel excited about going as well. We never yelled at our daughter when she wet we just changed her without talking or looking at her. No response at all, practically ignoring her but changing her at the same time. When she went in the toilet we made a HUGE deal of it treating her like a queen and giving her a tootsie roll. It took two weeks and she was totaly trained, she maybe will have an accident once a month. The key is to find something that you really likes as a snack and only giving it to him when he goes in the toilet.

Try that, hope it works!!!

I completely understand your frustration. I had a very similar story with my three year old. A friend suggested I make my daughter rinse out her own training underwear in the toilet (supervised of course) after she poops in them. At first I did not think this was appropriate, but one day when I was at my wits end I tried it. Honestly, after a week of having to clean the poop out of her own underwear she begin going in the potty.

I have been having the EXACT same problem with me daughter! This has been going on for me for 2 months though! I do have to say that the past couple of weeks she has been getting better. I have gotten to the point where she doesn't get to do certain things if she potties in her panties during the day. I know that all the experts say you are supposed to remain "positive" during the potty training experience, but at a certain point, I believe you have to show that there are consequences for their actions. She loves to play games on the computer, so if she potties in her panties, she doesn't get to play games for a couple of days until she stays dry all day again. This has seemed to work! I think she gets how "important" it is to stay dry. Anyway, don't get too frustrated yet. I went through this with my oldest daughter also and one day she just "got it"! When they are ready, it will happen. Sometimes it just has to be on their own terms!

I also have a three year old son so I can share that he is NOT INTERESTED in the potty at all. We talk about it and he will sit on a little potty with a diaper on but that is it.

I can only say that it sounds as if your son is not ready. I think we get caught up in saying that since he is three he should be potty trained. Your son may understand that he needs to sit on the potty but can't tell you soon enough or it may just be a matter of control.
Have you tried the Feel and Learn? Maybe letting him "hang out " in a wet diaper for a while will give him enough discomfort.
Someone once told me that you can't make them eat, sleep, or poop.. Good luck!

D., please do not get frustrated so easily. Kids can sence it and they will not go on the potty anyways, and your frustration may also make it worse and longer process. I do no know exactly, how your situation at home is; I am also a full time working mom and my 4 year old son was in the diapers up till about a month ago. Not to discourage you, not all the kids have to be in the diapers for so long, but it seems that boys have much much bigger problems with this. We tried everything possible under the sun starting from DVD's, reading books, getting him toys, each time he went, we tried to be nice, then yell, nothing helped. As if all that time was waisted. Off course, you have to try, and encourage your child, but from my experience, they have to be ready and then they will start themselves. My son had accidents about 5 times a day, no diapers fit him, because he is bigger and taller then kids his age and he refused pull-ups. So we had to clean up just about 5 times a day if not more, for past year. He would go #2 in the store, church, friends house, anywhere. ANd miraculously, after his 4th birthday, he just said himself that he wants to start going on the potty and he just went on his own. I understand, that you get fed up with all this, and I was going through the same thing, but if I could take it back, I would not stress so much, because I think, that it made this whole deal longer and harder for my son and for me and my husband. Good luck.

I had the same problem with one of my kids, have you tried making potty fun? Does he sit to pee or has he tried standing? If he has tried standing you may try putting a cheerio in the potty and telling him to play a game. Tell him to try to pee in the cheerio. My son thought this was one of the best games in the world lol. Also, if you know another mom with a potty training child that is doing well it's good to let your son see another child saying they gotta go potty, and getting praised for doing so. Potty training is hard I have been through it 3 times, I hope any suggestions I give may help and good luck
C.

Honestly, from my experience, I don't think he's ready yet. Boys definitely take longer to train than girls. My son will be 4 in September and he still isn't fully trained. I have tried EVERYTHING. I was once told that when he is ready to do it, he will, and that there has also never been a child who started kindergarten and was not trained. But if anyone else can give some great advice, then I sure would like to "hear" it, too!

Hi, I don't know if this will help you, but if it were my child (and we did do this with our son, now 4). I would put a pull-up on OVER his underwear. That way, he still felt it, but it would not make a huge mess if I were out somewhere. I typically only did that when it was errand time or for an important trip and he only had to experience the wetness/poop one time. He still uses a pull-up at night only, but has been doing wonderful otherwise and just recently stopped wearing them for nap at school. Good Luck!

D.,

I would stop and wait. Boys can take longer to be "ready" to potty train. Try to reward him after he goes-- but until he goes consistently, I would leave him in the pull-ups.

Good luck!

D.-
I feel your pain! I am the mother of a 21/2 year old boy and 1 year old girl. My son was also doing well with potty training then just stopped! A lot of accidents and taking his diaper off and peeing on his bedroom floor. Many friends with older kids said to lay off for a little while because he might be stressed. Even our doctor said, still ask him a few times a day. Before and after naps/bedtime/ meals etc. But give him a little break and see what happens. My friend with a 3 year old said that her son just walked into her room one day and announced that he was no longer going to wear diapers and that was that.
Good luck.
A.

My son is 4 and I worked in Child Care for several years with toddlers and one thing I actually learned from a parent and fellow-teacher that really helped - I won't say that it alone worked - was to make him clean himself up. Obviously you need to supervise and maybe go over him after he is done, but hold him accountable for his mess. If you've already told him that diapers are gone and the potty is it, then he needs to learn that he is responsible for the mess he makes, and explain to him while he's cleaning it up, how much easier things would be if he would go in the potty so there wouldn't be this mess to clean up. Give him clean clothes, someplace to put the dirty ones, paper towels and then make sure to wash his hands real good :-) The only other thing is that it may just be hard for him to realize he has to go - I know some kids who have had delays in recognizing the feeling, he obviously understands what it feels like once it comes out. Good luck - and try to keep it up - believe me I know how frustrating potty training is!

I understand what your going through. My 5 yr. old still wets. I would suggest some type of reward system.. Daily works better for your child's age group.

J.

Being that your son may not understand the BEFORE and AFTER concept if I was you I would start using these words quite frequently with him-my son actually did the same thing..so i started constantly using these 2 words to help him grasp the concept. Also, my son hated being wet and dirty, so if he would use the bathroom in his pants he would have to stay in the dirty pants for a period of time-may sound gross, but it worked (just make sure he doesnt sit on any furniture)! We used to also get him little certificates like you used to get in preschool that said congratulations-we would have 1 a day-everytime he would go potty he would get to add a sticker to the certificate and at the end of the day he would be so excited w/ the amt of stickers he got-we would have to do a "potty dance" everytime he used the restroom.
HOpe this helps

D.-
My now 4 year old just would not do the potty thing consistently until he himself was ready. How I kept my sanity: His preschool teacher (a mother of 4) told me how she has been asked repeatedly over the years how she potty trained her kids. Her response: kids don't get potty trained, the parents do. The parents ask, the parents take the kid to the pot, the parents do the clean up, etc. The kid will use the potty when he/she wants. (My pediatrician said the same thing, saying she did not know of any school age patients who didn't use the potty, so not to worry about it too much.) With all my frustration and the multiple techniques (with positive and negative reinforcements) we had used, this was all I felt I had left to try. I felt like I was giving up a bit, but his teacher's explanation of potty time as a control issue really rang true to me. (It's kind of like a parenting choice to make your kids eat everything on their plate every time its "meal time," even though we all know we can be hungrier one meal one day than the next. So unless you are also doing the ultimate potty training control thing of force-feeding your son water so he has to go all the time, I'd give yourelf and your son a break, drop it for a while, and see what he does. (Our son decided to use the potty on his own, for pee and poop, within a matter of weeks. He was 3.5 years by that point and was also adjusting to hiw new little brother.)
Hope this helps!
Control Freak - L.

D. I feel your pain. I have a 3 1/2 year old that just does not want to do it, he knows how, but just won't. Boys do take longer they say I have read alot on it. It also could be that when you change your baby he gets jealous of it, because it is a one on one task with the other child. Just don't force him, the more you pressure the more he will regress. Put the pulls up back on and don't say a word for at least a month and see what happens. He might just come to you and say he wants to wear big boy underwear. You know how men are they always do better when they think it is their idea! lol Good luck! J.