Advice on Parenting a Young Adult

Ok, mama. Yup, of COURSE they're having sex. Along with your other descriptions, sounds like you have a normal and responsible ADULT on your hands. Bravo for the job, the responsible nature, and the nice personality. Good guy! Yes, 18 is adult.

ALTHOUGH, adulthood comes not only with the 18th birthday, it comes with supporting himself. As long as he lives in your house, he needs to obey your rules, curfews, requests. That's why we all leave home isn't it? Time for him to go! He can be as tired and overextended and sexed up as he likes- yahoo! being young is sweet- but most of that fatigue needs to come form the 2-3 crappy jobs he's working to pay his rent and bills. I did it, my husband did it, the sooner he gets out there to do it, the better off he'll be in a couple of years as he climbs the job ladder slowly. With his girlfriend as a nice perk to his freedom. It's not your job anymore to teach right and wrong-you've done a great job. But he does need to follow house rules until he's on his own.

The longer he lives under your roof, eating your food, falling short of your expectations on family duties due to fatigue, and spending all his spare energy and time on his girlfriend, the more strain you're going to feel. He's an adult. He's doing all the growing away he's supposed to be. Get your plan in gear for his gentle departure, and don't be afraid to assert yourself while he's still home. This will help him leave. My husband always remembers the day his mom told him he could pay rent at home with all her rules or somewhere else with his freedom. He was gone the following month! :) Good luck! I'm dreading that day, and my son isn't even 2 yet!

Personally, I'd let him keep burning the candle at both ends. It won't take him long to realize that he needs more rest. Is this particular GF an issue? Sometimes when we don't "like" the person, the issue gets inflated.
Offer to let her come to your house O. or two nights per week. I have friends/relatives with teens and personally, I think the parents allow too much 'together time' with their BF's/GF's. At 15, 16, 17, I feel that there is not a "need" to see their date more than once per week. BUT your son is 18. and while legally, he is an adult and can do as he pleases, he IS still living under your roof and should expect to follow your house rules, whatever you choose for them to be. I'd set a reasonable curfew and stick to it.

Honestly I understand your worried but he is young and he's home early. He could be coming home at 1 or 2.

I think Mom needs to relax and sit back and take pride that her son is working, paying his bills, talks and is part of the family what more do you want?

Hi T.,

The first thing I need to know is: What is the statement
about right and wrong mean?

What is your motivation that is causing you stress?

Just want to know more information.

D.

Sounds like a great kid! Talk with him and tell him that you think he needs more sleep. Suggest he only go out certain nights of the week. Suggest girlfriend come to your house other nights. Set a curfew that allows him to get sleep he needs on work nights. He still needs guidance as he transitions into being an adult. My parents always told us when we were in their house, we had to live by their rules.

T., Sounds like you have a great son...so talk to him. Tell him about your concerns and as him if he can cut back on running to see the gf durring his work week at bit. Or even invite him to have her come over to your house once in a while. Give it a try...it can't hurt and may be your solution. Cerfew should be a last resort, you don't want to turn your home into a battle ground over a girl that may be gone in a few weeks! Best wishes.

Hi T.,

Since you have a close relationship and it seems as though he has a good head on his shoulders, I would simply state to him that you are worried about his health and safety, which you are. Tell him about your concerns and tell him that this sleep-deprivation thing is not working. I would put the ball in his court (he is 18) and ask him to formulate a compromise that will work for the both of you - he will get more rest, you will worry less.

Ok, that being said, in spite of the fact that he is an "adult" now, he is also living in your house. You also have other children to consider. When my daughter turned 18, I told her that there were certain things that I expected from her in spite of her adult status, especially since she had 2 siblings (5 and 3) who were watching and learning from her. Because we had 2 small kids in the house, I felt that it was in the best interest of household harmony that we had some reasonable limits. Let us know the the outcome. Best wishes.

He sounds great and so do you! I'm not saying you shouldn't be worrying, but your worry is your own emotion, so own it. Don't try to make him change or feel that he is a cause for you to have bad emotions. He is a good kid, he talks to you, and like others have said, summer romance at 18 is fleeting. They come and go. Of course you're worried, that's what you're supposed to do, but I think he's doing fine. It would be nice, of course, if your husband would just listen to you and let you vent about this, so you won't be tempted to try to control your son just to ease your own worries. Do something nice for yourself to congratulate yourself for raising such a nice son.

Hi T.,

It's tough to know when to draw lines and when to let go. Remember this: If he were in college right now, and living in the dorm, he might be doing the same thing, but you wouldn't be worrying because you wouldn't know. (that's for perspective) :-)

I don't think midnight is all that late for an adult to come home. I lived on 6 hours of sleep or less for 5 months straight while working a stressful job 40+ hours per week, coming home and caring for toddler and infant . . . so it can be done. It's not the best choice to get so little sleep every night, but it's his choice.

I think that some moment, when he's yawning or complaining about being tired, that perhaps you could ask a question or make a suggestion. Something like, "Wouldn't you feel better and be able to enjoy life more if you came home just an hour sooner?"

When my young adults were in college, I was always amazed -- truly surprised -- at the number of times they called to get my opinion on a subject or something they were thinking of doing. Stuff they would probably have simply gone and done while in high school, but for some reason, as young adults they began to want my input. ?? I tried to be really careful, listen to their reasoning, and gently give my opinion if it differed. Bottom line at that point was that it was their decision to make, not mine. But I was incredibly honored to be invited "into the loop" of confidence. :-) Just try to be sure that whatever you say -- maybe invite them to spend an evening at your home, so he doesn't have to do all the driving every night -- be gentle, so he will think it's his idea and his decision to get more rest than he's doing now. :-)

You are Lady of your house, and that is as far as your authority goes with him anymore, EVER.
He's not your child anymore, though he will always be your son, it is not your place to "mother him" anymore. You can give your 2 cents, but what he does or doesn't do is for his own to decide, you do not get to dictate what he does in his life anymore now, just as a landlord does not dictate their tenants lives, but does demand respect for the sanctity of their property. Let him be.
P.S. All you moms, STOP saying "it's just a summer romance, summer romance is fleeting, it won't last." Quite a few of us here had parents who thought the exact same thing about their future son-in-laws. ;) You know who you are.

He's 18, and it's been 3 weeks. As he gets tired, he'll be tired around the girl. Maybe not as much fun, maybe cranky. It's summer. Summer romance is fleeting. My guess is that in a few weeks, month or two, it will all resolve itself.

He's old enough to run off and marry the girl if he wants. You've clearly done a FANTASTIC job with this kid. I wouldn't worry. In your shoes, I'd let it go. At most, gently in passing just say you are worried because he seems so tired, is he feeling well? Just so motherly concern about the fatigue. I'd skip mentioning the girl or the late nights. HE knows why he is tired.

I agree with your first 2 responders. You definitely have a great kid it sounds like and I also have a 17 year old daughter who will be a senior. I think we moms worry too much and its just our nature.

Would it be possible for this girl to come to your house instead a few of the nights and one of his parents drive her home so your son can get to bed earlier?

I would have a sit down with him. He is 18 and out of school, so on one hand he's like a boarder, someone who is renting from you, so to speak. You still have house rules. Let him know your concern about being out late and having to get up early, but in the end, this is for him to learn to get more sleep. Trial and error. Now, you have every right to set a "curfew" for when he comes home. You have a home with younger children. No one wants someone coming into the house late and running the risk of waking up the rest of the house. I would request that he come home at 11pm or midnight, no later. Be sure he understands it's not because you're trying to mommy him, but you need to do this for anyone who would be living with you to keep a decent schedule in the home.

In the end, you have the right to set some limitations since he's an adult living with you and you are flipping the bill for his home and food. On the other hand, if you go overboard he will rebel, move out and have a strained relationship. Sit down and be honest with him. Make some agreements together, and be sure it's not because you're trying to dominate him but helping him learn to make better choices and keep your home running smoothly.

Good luck!

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

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18 is the hardest age, I have been there 3 times and each one is different. I found that the best thing to do is to realize that they are not children anymore, but they still need advice from Mom. The best thing you can do is talk to him as an adult. Tell him that you are worried and why as softly and honestly as you can. Setting a curfew would or forbidding him to see her would just put a wedge between you and him. You may have to talk to him many times but if you do it nicely, and every time you are worried about him, he will listen eventually. Just remember to let him know that you love him and are proud of him, not angry but worried about him. Good luck.

T.,
your job is done . next is mother of groom.
he is not responsiable for the younger children ...
he has a job , you raised him w/ values etc ..
he is now getting ready to 'fly' the way he wants to as a MAN .
EVEWRYTHING WILL BE CHANGE'N FOR HIM .
good luck , love him up ..he has 'let go' of his childhood ...[ this was the goal 18 years ago.. remember?' ]
you did a good job w/ him ...
he is testing the waters now ...
keep him safe and hug him .
a grammy

Hi, I have a 21 year old daughter so I understand what you are going through. If you are worried about him, talk with him and share your concerns. He seems to be a good Young Man. He comes in at 12:00am(reasonable for someone that's 18), pays his car note on time, and cell phone. He also will do what you ask and is respectable. So I think this will all catch up and he will realize for himself that he needs to get more rest. As far as the girlfriend is concerned its only been a few weeks I sure it will die down too in time. As long as he is not coming in later, disrespecting you or your husband or his siblings I think its okay.
I do agree with some of the other post that says if they live in your house they follow your rules, if not they are grown and can live else where.
I believe you and your son have a good relationship and you will be just fine.