Advice on How to Handle When Child (6-7 Yo) Sasses Parent in Front of Friends

My daughter, now 21 still knows "the look". That's all it took for her.

She knew if she didn't respect "the look" then she'd lose major privileges.

I am very much with "TF" on this one...and "julie" as well.

My kids knew (know) expectations VERY clearly. They also are acutely aware of 'the look' that means there is BIG trouble.

Perhaps because I had so many...so close in age...I did not have to clarify often. Each seemed to know... without question... that mama did NOT play! They were removed from whatever situation (their behavior) caused an issue.

Period.
.
.
.

Every time.

Without fail.

Seems to have worked!

2 sons are officers in the military.. 3rd one is on ROTC scholarship. 4th is working in medical field very successfully.

Eldest daughter is completing fire fighter academy (post degree). Youngest daughter is on all academic scholarships for freshman year at college...renewable.

One daughter has many medical issues, and developmental delays...and is a JOY to be around.

Boundaries.

Firmly in place.

Really.

Best!

"Excuse me? Let's try that again, please." Simple, straightforward, doesn't mess about. I agree with stating expectations beforehand, as well as the consequences. Consequences will depend on the situation, of course. If you are there socially for your child to play, you can leave immediately. Outside talking to neighbors, simply "go inside and go to your room. You may not speak to me that way. I'll be in when I'm done." The consequence won't be the same each time, for obvious reasons, but you can continue to be firm about the expectations, and then calmly remind them of the expectation if they cross the line. Like other moms, I don't ask for an apology. If it comes naturally, great. I don't want to teach my son that apologizing is the way to get out of trouble. An apology should be sincere. We all know when someone is apologizing and yet not sorry. If he is rude and apologizes later on, that's fine. Sometimes they need time to calm down.

Explain your expectations before the friends get there and be consistent.

If the sassing happens in front of friends, you put a stop to it in front of friends.
That's part of why they are usually on their best behavior in front of other people.
You SHOULDN'T worry about embarrassing them by correcting them.
It's their behavior that's the embarrassment, and they need to learn to mind their manners or face the consequences.

When growing up I had a friend that mouthed off to a parent in front of me.
It didn't stop the parent from telling them they were wrong and - oh, by the way, that mouth just earned you a weeks worth of raking the leaves. Want to try for two weeks?

It's really important that you do deal with it right away and very quickly, especially in front of other people. Otherwise she will learn that she can get away with bad behavior as long as other people are around.

My kids didn't want to look bad in front of their friends, rarely did they act up around others. If they did make a disrespectful comment or get pushy I would just say something like "Don't speak to me that way" and that would be that. Their Daddy has perfected "the look" TF speaks of so he didn't even need to say a word.

I would not back off just because friends are there. Use natural peer embarrassment to your advantage!

I always find that if a child's behavior is unacceptable during a play date, the best recourse is to calmly say " we will discuss this later". My daughter is now 15 and has friends whose parents have yelled at them in the past ( embarrassing the child) or ended the playdate ( punishing all of the kids by default, even those whose behavior was not an issue). She said that, for her, she KNEW that she was in trouble at that point and she would immediately change her behavior in the hope that I would take that into consideration later. The important thing is to stop the behavior at the time ( especially, if it was something dangerous) and defuse the situation without punishing the innocent by ending everyone's fun. Additionally, you have bought yourself some time to rationally consider an appropriate response/punishment if necessary. Many times you are simply calling the child's attention to their own behavior and helping them to remedy the situation before it goes too far. Perhaps they were being mean to a friend, or selfishly not sharing toys or even doing something destructive or dangerous ( carving their names into the deck in the backyard, for instance --yes, actually happened). Regardless, the ultimate goal of parenting is to help children grow into adults capable of policing their own behavior. By simply saying "[child's name], we will discuss this later", you are simultaneously calling them on their unacceptable behavior, giving them the opportunity to rectify the situation themselves, and giving yourself a bit of breathing room to address the situation rationally later, without anyone screaming, having a tantrum, or ruining everyone else's fun. Best of luck!

I don't see that there's anything to discuss. If she sasses you, remind her that what she is doing is not appropriate and that this is her only warning. If the behavior continues, there will be a (predetermined) consequence.

I don't usually expect an apology. I just make it clear that the behavior is not appropriate and better not happen again.

You need to get 'the look' that will stop children mid sentence. I've perfected it to the point where I could give my kid's friends 'the look' and they'd stop and correct themselves. It amused other parents because after a number of please stop that, don't do that, please don't do that, stop, I'd solve the situation with just a look.

BTW the look also works on my cat, dog, and hubby. lol.

I tell my children to knock it off and have them apologize as soon as it happens, no matter where we are or who we are with. If that embarrasses them, maybe they'll think twice about being rude.

1. First, be sure you know and she knows your expectations.
2. Then, never discuss inappropriate behavior when the expectations have been set.
3. Act. It could be the look. It could be a caution demand. (Stop that.)
4. If she stops, there still should be a minor discipline at home. This is where I think many difficulties stem from. Second chances are for mistakes. Or for over-tired kids, due to our own over-scheduling. But routine second chances are not a great idea, as it communicates that it's ok to act inappropriately once, and then you get in trouble the second time. Not helpful. This means you are responsible for monitoring her behavior. At this age, given that she knows your expectations, she can control herself from the beginning.
5. If she does not stop the sass, remove her from the situation. Do not discuss. This is rewarding her with attention. At home, send her to her room for a pre-set time. Again, no after discussion.

All my best.

The problem that I see is your asking for an apology. An apology should be for an unexpected accident - at a friend's house they drop something, or in an unfamiliar setting they bump into a table and a lamp or knick-knack falls over.

When your child speaks rudely to you, that's not the occasion to request an apology, unless they are very very young and repeated a word that they truly did not know was not to be said in polite society (innocently repeating a word their new little friend just taught them).

You should have established clear and concise rules already, and they can be briefly repeated before the visit to the friend's house. Your child is 6, or 7. You tell them, when mommy says it's time to leave, you say "yes mommy" or "ok, mom" and you get your shoes and you thank your friend and help pick up any toys that you're responsible for.

So when you say it's time to leave the your kid says starts screeching or tells you NO or says whatever you have deemed inappropriate and sassy, you simply give them the pre-arranged hand signal, or the code word, that means "you have one chance to correct your behavior or else the consequences will begin when we reach home". But communicate to your child (through "that look", or a quiet word, that the behavior was not overlooked or ignored - there will be consequences at home. And those consequences can be: loss of privileges, loss of freedom to go over to their friend's home, whatever is appropriate. They've got to be fairly painful (but not extreme). Example: you tell them: "that movie we were going to go see this weekend? We're not going because your behavior in public was unacceptable. You said '_________' when mommy spoke to you at your friend's house. You know the rule is '___________'. And then clearly and calmly follow through with the punishment. No discussion. Let the teaching and discipline happen at home, and let the punishment happen at home as well.

Not experienced with this.

Has it ever happened to me? Yes. But the way you describe and set up your question, makes it sound like this is a frequent occurrence. It "catches me off guard every time it happens." Exactly how often *does* it happen? Obviously, enough that you are here asking us how to deal with it. So it isn't really a random thing... you know it's coming.
So, for starters, you need to address this with your child outside of the situation when it happens. Does it happen when it's just you and her/him? Then you have a respect issue with your child in general, not just when they have friends around.

If it's only when they have friends around, then you still need to sit them down and talk to them specifically about this behavior. Don't wait until it happens again. Talk now. Explain the problems you have with it (disrespect, rudeness, etc). Ask why they think it is ok to talk to you that way. Listen to their response.

Tell them what the consequence will be if it should happen again (think about this now, and be sure it is something you can an WILL follow through on).

The next time it happens (because it will happen again, at least once, until they see you mean business), stop what you are doing, turn to face them directly, and say loudly, "Excuse me??" (long expectant pause.) This is the appropriate time to implement "the look" you're reading about in other responses. I have one, too. :)

If there is no apology forthcoming (hopefully immediately), then implement the necessary consequence. Friends are sent home. Child is removed (if you aren't at home) and taken to the car/home/etc. If it's a sleepover situation, send the child to YOUR room to sit on the bed until called for. Send the other kids to child's room to play. Give your kid about 10 minutes to sit and be uncomfortable, and then ask them if they would like to be the one to call the other parent to come pick up their child. If you feel lenient, or that they have sufficiently apologized, tell them that if it happens again, the parent will be called as soon as is appropriate to allow them to pick up, and there will be no more play dates/sleepovers for X amount of time.

It really shouldn't take any of these more drastic measures (sending kids home from your house, unless maybe it's neighborhood kids outside or something), unless your child is completely disrespectful of you in general.
Get a handle on it quickly. They are young. It shouldn't take much. But it *will* take consistency. Do not allow yourself to be disrespected.

I don't make kids apologize. They don't understand it, and they think it means "Undo". But it doesn't take away the hurt, the sting, the insult. It doesn't make the insult okay.

I'm assuming that in this example, your child KNOWS the right thing to say/do, and that she's absolutely sassing you in defiance or to show off. ONLY if she said something inadvertently insulting (because she didn't know the meaning of some word she used, or whatever), would I instruct her. And I'd do that in front of the others - "Susie, calling anyone a ______ is insulting and not allowed. I don't want to hear that word again."

If this happens at school, at someone's house, in a restaurant, at a game/activity, I would pack my kid into the car, say "I'm sorry to leave everyone, but Susie has decided not to behave acceptably." I wouldn't say much to the kid except to put her in the car and take her home. I'd say, "Your behavior is unacceptable so you _____" (don't get to finish the game/finish your ice cream/stay in the park/enjoy a play date).

If it's in your own home, I'd put her in her room with zero discussion (except "Unacceptable, Susie"), and shut the door. I'd go back to the family room/kitchen and offer the other kids a snack, put out some board games or even put on a movie. I'd say that Susie is in her room until she feels like being a better host without saying rude things, and that's it.

If Susie has a major tantrum, I'd either call the other parents to come get their kids, or I'd take them home even if that means Susie is in the back seat whining.

And then it would be a while before Susie could have a play date, go to the park, attend a birthday party ("because I can't trust that you will treat the parents with respect and without sass"), or play in a soccer game where she might sass the referee (no matter what I had paid for the program). At age 6-7, a week is usually enough for the first infraction. Maybe two.

You have to take away the attention and make this a miserable experience for her. No amount of discussion will do that as well. You've had this happen more than once because you say you "don't always know how to respond." So whatever you've done hasn't work. You have to be more decisive, decide ahead of time what your response will be, and be absolutely consistent. Tell her ahead of time that you are angry at her tone/vocabulary, and it will not be allowed again, not even once. None of that "if you do it again, you won't go to the party in two weeks." It must be instant and it must make her look bad in front other others - her sass is trying to make her look superior, and it has to backfire.

I don't discuss anything. They would sit out the next play-date or outing. If you have a child over and this happens, they don't get to have a child over next time they want to.
They catch on very quickly.
My kids don't like watching their friends be disciplined in front of them. It's awkward. One of my kids used to get sent home from a neighbor's every time the child acted up. So my son was punished and made to feel uncomfortable. So it should be done once the child goes home. In my opinion.
To me, being disrespectful means you lose out. Always has. It's much more effective than say taking electronics.
I have a look the kids know means business. It involves the eyebrow.

I always send the child to another area or room and speak with them privately, embarrassing them in front of their friends is counter-productive.