Advice on Handling the Future Grandmother

breathe deeply and let it brush over you...you do what will make you happy and that's all you can do...you can't make everyone happy. Congrats!

I don't understand, why shouldn't your Mom be the first to know? Parents are not the general population regardless of their marital status. I can see why she feels hurt.

Set up a conference call or go out to dinner. Your parents (and his) need to know before everyone else.

You may not realize how much emotional support you're going to need from your Mom. Life is short, don't alienate your Mom over this issue.
E.

Oh B.!! I feel your pain! Is it possible that we have the same mother?? (I know--ha ha.)
Down to nuts and bolts. YOU do what YOU want. It is NOT up to your mother.
Apparently, "guilting you" has worked in the past, and as a first time Grandma, she is feeling like the baby you are carrying is like SHE is carrying him/her too. I felt that way when both of my daughters were carrying last year!! Those precious angels are MINE MINE MINE--but I have to remember that THEY are the MAMA, not ME. So does your mom.
You may want to tell her that you want her in the delivery room--or to be there for ultrasounds--without other members of the family (except daddy, of course)--THAT will make her feel very special and connected to your baby. She just feels (for now) that she isn't the "special grandma"--so maybe you guys could come up with a "grandma name" for her (Mine is Mimi :) She will have fun with that.
Above all, don't take what she says personally. I'm sure that if she could carry your baby for you, she probably would, because THAT is what MOMMY does. Now, its YOUR TURN, so, gently, tell her so, and at the same time, let her know you love her, and ask her about stories of YOU--when she got pregnant, how her pregnancy was, etc, and you guys wil definitely bond over that, and she won't feel like the "General Public". DO NOT LET HER GUILT YOU!!!! THAT IS HER PROBLEM, not YOURS!!!
Good luck, and happy pregnancy!!

Hi B....wow, sounds like it could be a tense situation. The best part of it is, however, that this is going to be one of your first big decisions as a mommy! You get to decide, with your soon-to-be-husband, the way that you will raise your child and create your OWN family. Since this is such a wonderful time for you I would continue on with your neat idea of announcing the baby's gender at the reception. Your Mom should be delighted that you are sharing the gender at all. I have several friends who have known but have left that information to themselves...and that is their perogative. It is quite possible that this will be the first of many control issues so be sure that you and your husband agree on your "rules" and stick by each others' side. Your best "defense" tactic is to take any kind of advice that you don't agree with in a tactful manner and then do what YOU choose to do! Raising children years ago brings with it plenty of wonderful advice but also advice that is not currently advised (ie rice cereal in a bottle when the baby is brand new in order to get them to sleep longer).

I wish you the best of luck and do so enjoy these weeks of pregnancy. Don't let anyone rain on your parade! : )

I would just try and be polite and ignore the one word answers. We got a hefty amount of angry family members when we wouldn't allow anyone else except required nurses and doctors in the room for our kids births. Heck we made the kids without an audience! Do we really need to deliver with one! And some of our family now hates that we stopped calling everyone individually and started posting a blog on all that happens because we live 1800 miles away from all family and 20 phone calls a week is way to much. I have learned to just ignore the complaints! Congrats on the new baby and the wedding!

I say tell her, I may be on my own here but there are few things that make a mother happier than anything, and that is her grandchild. It may be this blessed secret right now but in no time everyone will know, whats the hurt in letting her in on it if it is gonna make HER so happy, she is your mother and soon you will want the good karma to come back to you. Everyone will be happy to hear the news, but not even close to the way your mother will feel.

It might be the most special time of your relationship...

Just smile, be polite, ignore snooty behavior, and be HAPPY!

My husband's mother got nutty and obnoxious over not being allowed in the delivery room or my hospital room the day my son was born. (My husband wasn't even in the delivery room and ONLY my husband was in the hospital room that first day.) She really did get obnoxious about it - even though we called HER before we even called my mother. When she came to visit the next day, she started giving me an attitude and told me that she was "angry" at being excluded. From my hospital bed, I looked straight at her and calmly told her that after having major abdominal surgery I wanted, needed and DESERVED time alone with my husband and new baby. I just ignored her "I'm so angry" comment. She shut her mouth and we've had smooth sailing ever since then (it's been nearly five years)! She actually treats me better than her own daughters.

I agree with Amy. Who was it who was there for you all the years you were growing up? I would think your mother would deserve just a bit more respect and consideration than all your other family members and friends. I'm saying this as a grandmother. My daughters always told me first, and I can't tell you how special that made me feel, and how much I appreciated that they shared those special bits of news with me first. Are you always going to just lump your mother in with the rest of the people or will you expect that she'll be there to share in the rest of the life of your child. Please let her feel that she's more special to you than are the other people in your life -- after your husband, of course. I'm sure you want her to be closely bonded to that wonderful little life you're about to bring into the world. I can understand that she would be disappointed and hurt. This has nothing to do with trying to control you. She just needs to feel close to her own daughter.

My advice to you is............enjoy your day. Do what you and your future husband need and feel is right to do. Your Mom will just have to get over it and she will, just give her time. My parents are also divorced. I had our first child before we were married and boy did my Mom get mad! She did not talk to me at all during my pregnancy. Things sure changed once the baby was born, she was all over hima and I.
Her pride got hurt in the begining, she got over it and I'm sure your Mom will too.
Be happy and Best wishes.
D.
SAHM to 3 great kids. (14, 10 & 6)
Married 15 yrs.

Sheesh! She just needs to "get over it"! My husband and I didn't tell anyone the sex of either of children before they arrived in the world. We knew, everyone knew that we knew. And yes, many were ticked that we wouldn't tell. But you know what, it's noone's busines but yours and your husbands. We did cave toward the end of my second pregancy - my kids are 7 1/2 years apart and we already had a girl and he was a boy. We told. But then we were harassed regularly for his name. HA! We didn't let that little secret out of the bag though. Babies are exciting for everyone but it is all really very personal. Do whatever feels right for you.

Your mom sounds like my mom. When you wrote that her answers were "fine" and "okay" I could hear my mother's voice when I read that. Does she say "fine" & "okay" really quickly and in a snappy way as well? It's something about this particular generation of women. I will be 38 in a couple of weeks, so I have a feeling like they are about the same age.

Because your mother is, your mother-she wants to feel that she is more special than the general public because:
1. She's your mother.
2. Because she is also the soon-to-be grandma.

I understand that you and your fiance want to be fair in telling everyone at the same time so no one is the "first" one to be told. But really, the grandma's want to be told "first". It's almost childish, but that's what it boils down too.

Stick to your plans, tell everyone at the reception. She will eventually-get over it. I love my mom, and we have a fabulous relationship, but she has her moments. This is your Wedding, your baby, your life. Do this your way.

Good Luck! Have a Great Wedding!

Take your divorced parents out before to a nice dinner, or have them over and tell them in private. If it makes your mother that unhappy, it is not worth it. You don't realize it now but you we will need her emotional and physical support after the baby is born. Make her feel good and part of the process. I hope my daughter will share this magical moment with me when the time comes. Once you have raised kids for a while you will have a different perspective on the matter.

Hi B.!
Congratulations on two life changing events!! Just remember...it's about you - not your mom. She can either be happy for you or she needs to keep comments to herself. "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it all". It's funny how sometimes you have to end up acting like the mom to your mom (speaking from experience :) ).

Good luck!!

It sounds like your mother/daughter issues are coming to a head for your mom now that there are all these exciting changes in your life and she basically has no control over. I know that my mom and I had a couple of extra-heated moments when I was pregnant. I think when you have a controlling mom (which it sounds like you do, my mom is too) she feels like they are losing part of their mothering to you. Personally, I know that my mom's controlling ways are even worse (maybe just in my mind) since having our little girl. You do need to do what is right for YOUR family you are creating with your soon-to-be husband.

Obviously, you don't need to make this busy week any more stressful (not to mention, adding bad memories to this joyous event), but you should have a talk with her (maybe while having a little one-on-one time). Let her know that this issue is not about her and that she has two choices... 1. Join in the celebration because she is loved and you want her to be happy and there for your new family. Or 2. Keep her comments to herself because you really don't have time for this right now.

You want to be nice, but you need her to know that this is your and your fiancé's time to shine. Hopefully she'll get on board and realize how petty she sounds. Congrats on your new adventure!!! :-)

Forget about your mother, she is just being selfish. Your 40 you should know people can be awful when they don't get their way. Adults are just large children when they decide to be. You might tell her you don't appreciate her childish behavior and leave it at that.

DON'T TELL HER!!! I think we have the same mom!:)My mom did the same thing and I didn't give in. If you stick to your guns it will slowly (very slowly) sink in that you mean what you say. If you tell her then what about your dad and what about your fiance's parents. It's not fair that the people that respect your decision don't get to find out but the person who complains (or worse yet does the one word thing!) gets to know. One way I deal with my mom is tell her about other people not respecting my wishes and then when she says how wrong that is of them it makes it a little harder for her to complain. When I was planning my wedding I would tell her about the things that my fiance's mom wanted and then she gave me the "it's your wedding do it your way!" speech. That really helped when it came to things that had to do with her. I'd start with a "I'm glad you convinced me to stand up to people and do things my way, oh by the way I've decided to......" and then tell her about something I wasn't sure she's like. I'm all about reaspecting your parents but at the same time they had their wedding and kids and now it's your turn to do it your way. And darn it, don't we have a right to do it our way!
Hope this helps! Good luck!
-Brandi

Mom will just have to get over it. You are being very fair; and I know from experience, moms don't always care about what's fair. Mine was mad for months because I would not discuss my relationship problems with her. She got over it. And my relationship problems were solved in the course of time -- and the better for not having her filling my head with negative stuff. I love my mom -- but sometimes you just have to do what's right.

It sounds like your mom is being selfish, and not respecting your wishes by giving you the cold shoulder on the week of your wedding. I do understand her hurt feelings, but, these are your wishes, and this is your child and wedding. It's not like you are telling everyone BUT her. She should count her blessings, and be happy to have a relationship with her daughter, and with her upcoming granddaughter and son-in-law (she needs to find a way to get over it).
I am wondering if this is "par for the course." If so, you need to take a long, hard look at who your mother is and how much weight her opinion makes (basically, consider the source of strife and treat it as such...). Your future husband and child are your immediate family now.
Please don't let her ruin your wedding and find a way to let it go (write it down, vent, scream into a pillow, etc). This is YOUR DAY - enjoy it!!!

It's her baby's baby. She just wants to be involved and continue on in the chain. Even with your good intentions of being fair, you're not making her feel that way. Over 40 or not - you're going to need *your* mommy this fall, trust me. I don't know what it is, but as soon as you actually have a baby that depends on you, your appreciation for what your mom did for your life (often times in sacrifice of her own dreams)comes to an all new level.

If you really want to announce to everyone at once, than why not make her feel involved and important during this process in another way? Ask her to clink the champagne glass and give the baby a special toast and welcome speech before you announce the sex. Ask her to be a candle lighter or read a special peom at your wedding. Call her up and ask her to plan your baby shower or schedule a decorating baby room shopping trip with her when you get back from your honeymoon. Write her a special letter about how excited you are to include this baby into the whole family and how much it will benefit from her love as you did.

You get the picture. If you have an involved family, you will reap the benefits as much as dealing with annoyances. Just be lucky your mother is alive and well so that you can ask her all the questions that never occured to you before.

Congrats on your new baby and wedding!

You don't worry about it. It sounds like you have tried and that is more than enough. This is YOUR day/time. Not hers! She had hers when she had a baby/got married. I know that sounds rough but I have been in a similar situation and you can only do so much before it feels as if your moment is being ruined. Please don't let that happen. You don't want to have to look back on this special time with negative reminders. You did what you could now it is your turn to enjoy, be happy, and celebrate this wonderful new chapter of your life. Congratulations! I wish you the best!

I don't know, leaning toward just telling her... she's your mom. If you're not very close to begin with, I guess I understand. But if you are close--why is there any harm in letting her know before the general population? I guess my perception is distorted because I do not understand why couples get so "possessive" of the knowledge they have about their unborn child (gender/name). Having a baby is a joyful blessing and excitement about it goes just beyond YOU.

It seems like the bigger deal you make out of something like this now--you need to be prepared for even bigger mountains out of molehills once the baby arrives! It's one bit of information that would make your mom feel very special. You will appreciate it when your child does things to make you feel special one day--why not show some consideration toward your mom?

I say this also as a person who has not had the most amazing relationship with my own mother--but I love and respect her and would do this one little thing to make her happy. It seems petty to me to keep a simple word that would make her happy. Maybe she'd like the opportunty to provide a gift for her future grandbaby that is gender oriented? Would that bother you two too much if she showed up with a baby gift on your wedding day?

Talk with your fiancee and think about how this might impact the day beyond just some minor pouting now...

Hi B. - I agree with the others who said not to let her guilt you into changing your plans. You're nearly 40 and you have the right to choose how/when/if to announce your baby's gender. Your mom sounds like mine - mine gets very offended if she doesn't get special treatment, and gets jealous of the other grandparents. (And she has a long and glorious history of manipulation, which is why at 38 I no longer give in - I've learned it's just not worth it.) I guess if I was you I would think about whether this is a pattern of manipulative behavior, or if this is a one-time reaction on her part. If it's a pattern, don't give in or reward her behavior. But if you think it's a one-time thing, you might try talking with her further (if you think it will help) and let her know that you love her and are not intending to slight her with this decision. Congrats on your baby and wedding, and best of luck!

She may be hurt not getting to know first, but if thats what you want then I would stand your ground. Just tell her this is our wishes. I am sure there will be lots of time in the comming years that you will needs to do this with grandparents wanting to do something involving your child that you don't like. It's that way with every grandparent.

Good Luck!

B.,
I understand how you feel. Female family members have a way of doing that.
What a tough question, and I have a similar situation, but not about gender, about being pregnant.
When my husband and I were expecting our first son, we found out on Christmas. He was out shopping with his brother and I was at home taking my test. He and I were secretly trying to conceive for about 1yr. (He underwent a vasectomy reversal of over 12yrs for us) We were so elated, and I shared it with him over the phone. He didn't tell his brother but brother knew it was something "really" good.
At the time we had four "families" to celebrate with. I made cards on our computer with the cutest stork in blue and pink. The first "official" family members to find out were my husband's dad and brother. Then it was my husband's mother and her husband's family, then my dad and sister and finally my mom. The greatest thing is that no one cared who found out first. When we found out he was a boy, no one cared who was first either. (I believe it was my sister)
My mom "never" gave me the guilt trip even if she was sad to not be first.
B., do what you want to do. If she doesn't like it, too bad. She obviously have a lot of jealousy inside that if she were to find out first, she would probably gloat about it to everyone, and that's not right.
Congratulations on your marriage and the baby.
Best of luck to you.

You are 40 years old, that means your parents must be around 60. If any one really cares about who you tell fiorst, then that is too petty for words. Just tell them. Every one needs to be grown up about it. Your mother brought you into this world and telling her is a special time, a special moment, and you should cherish that while you still can. It is different with men, they don't have babies. So go ahead, share this with your mom.

speaking as a grandmother - I can relate to how she feels. It is really a big deal for a mother when her daughter is giving birth to her first child. It sounds like it would really mean a lot to her for you to acknowledge the special relationship you have with her by giving her the special honor of being told the baby's gender before the "general population." I assume that she would agree to not tell anyone else the baby's gender before you announce it, and that she wouldn't "rub it in" to other relatives that she knew first. You might consider also telling the other grandparents before the wedding, with all of them agreeing to not disclose it to the other guests. You could either let everyone know that your mother (and possibly other grandparents) knew already, or you could just not say anything about it. I hope that your extended family and friends are mature enough to not get offended but rather will be able to share your joy. If you do decide that you really don't want to tell your mother first, I'd strongly suggest that you talk with her about other ways that she might be included in your pregnancy and birthing in a way that really acknowledges your special bond - she is the only mother you will ever have, and as you grow into your own motherhood you will come to appreciate that special connection more and more. I imagine she is very excited and wants to participate in some way in your transition to motherhood, and it would be wonderful if together you could come up with some ways that she could feel more included.

Reading the other responses - I'd advise against just letting her "get over it." Of course she can "get over it" in a sense, but it could make it much harder for your relationship with her in the future, and for her connection with her grandchild. After all, she is the one who will be such an important person in the life of this child, for as long as she lives. But I agree that giving in to her pressure is not necessarily a good thing either, but rather you could use this as a wonderful opportunity to have some heart-to-heart talks and begin redefining your relationship, so that you can all enjoy the new baby and you new roles. Also, there are some good books on the subject, one I would especially recommend for your mother (and maybe you too?) is by Sheila Kitzinger, Becoming a Grandmother.

Congrats on your upcoming angel and on your wedding! Such an exciting time!
And as for the angry mom, just hang in there. Stand your ground. I agree with Veronica....
I bet she'll be over it as soon as you announce it. How can she not be, right? She's going to be too busy planning for her grandson or granddaughter.
Plus, she's your mom. She'll forgive you. :-)
Again, Congratulations! Hugs!
M.

I go with the side that says just tell her. It's obvious it means a lot to her, and she IS special, closer to you and the baby than anyone else but you and your fiance. So she wants to have a little "inside" knowledge when you make that announcement, is it that big of a deal? I'll tell you what, the more you make your mom feel special and a part of this process, both now and after your baby arrives, the more you will reap the benefits of a loving grandmother who dotes on her grandbaby and is willing to do anything for them. And that benefits ALL of you immensely, you will see. It's really not worth starting off on the wrong foot, alienating her from you and making her feel like you are trying to keep her away, or at arms length from her grandchild. You've waited a long time for this - but so has she!! Try to embrace and enjoy her interest and desire to participate in the birth of her grandbaby. You'll all be so much happier if you do!

Oh lordy...people can be so self-centered, can't they? This is YOUR time to shine...do what you intend to do and don't place too much emphasis on the childish behavior of others. You are not being unreasonable...in fact you're trying to be fair. If she can't understand that, let her stew in her own misery. Maybe she'll learn a lesson from it. Be happy and enjoy your special days!

You and your fiance must do what works for you! If she can't understand that, then how sad for her!!! Stick to your guns and make it public all at once! You don't owe her an explaination, apology or anything. You are grown and she must deal with that on her own terms. Stay positive about the whole thing, make your day as beautiful as possible and let her attitude role off your back! Congrats on your wedding and the baby!!!

Your Mom will get over it. What you could do to make her feel special is provide her with a grandma's gift. Put together a box of necessities for grandma's house... a pacifier, a burp cloth, an empty 4 oz baby bottle, a receiving blanket in the appropriate shade/color, a half dozen infant sized disposables, a disposable camera and a small double picture frame, one side would have a picture of you and your Mom when you were a baby/toddler and then the other side would be open for your picture with your new baby. You could give this to her in private, just before you say your vows, so she would have her 'moment' with her baby girl (you) and yet you would still be telling everyone on the same day. When we told my parents about their 1st grandchild, we gave them this 'gift' on their wedding anniversary. It was a great event. I would have a similar 'gift' ready for you Dad to open after your vows, again some one on one time. Everyone wants their moment, and this is only the beginning of all the balancing everyone's wants and needs for you and your new family. You will become an expert in diplomacy and scheduling when it comes to sharing all your time and your family with your ever expanding extended family. Remember to breathe. This week is filled with lots of changes for every member of your family. Enjoy the moments, they are very special. These will be your memories and stories to tell your children and grandchildren. Write your baby a letter and let them know how the day went, how excited you both are, tuck it away in a drawer. My daughter found my letter to her, and when we've had our teenage, young adult angst moments, either she or I will read that letter and remember the wonder, the awe, the promises and love from the beginning. Remember that with your Mom this week. Congratulations!!!!

Wow! Your mom is being very selfish and this just screams of problems. I forsee many jealousy issues in the future about things like who babysits more, who sees baby more, who gets to spend whatever holiday with you, etc. And if you name the baby after anyone other than her, you might never hear the end of it.

I would tell mom that this is not about her, it is about you and your new family. The memory of first announcing baby's gender in such a public way will be something you will cherish for years to come, and you would really appreciate it if she wouldn't rain on your parade. Reassure her that you love her very much, but you are not going to start playing the favorite game with her. If you don't feed into her tantrum, and you don't give her attention for it, then she will stop trying. It is really good parenting practice for the future though! Esspecially if you plan to have a second baby.

Good luck, and congrats!

Sounds like this question is bringing a lot of conflicting responses. I don't think you need to tell her ahead of everyone else just because she is your mom. Nobody seems to care about how your fiance's mom feels about the whole thing. I think having all of them find out at the same time at the wedding is fine. It's something you and your fiance have decided on to involve your baby in your wedding and make the day extra special. Your mom is not being very understanding and it sounds like she is being pretty petty and selfish to me. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but there are probably going to be many parenting dilemmas the two of you disagree on over the years, if you start out now by letting her manipulate you into getting what she wants, that's not a good foundation to lay in the whole parent/grandparent relationship. It sounds like you've already tried to explain your position to her, but you could try one more time and then leave it at that. Be very honest about how she is making you feel and then leave it at that. Good luck and congratulations!

Perhaps you could find a way to gently with love remind your mother that this is not about 'her' but it is about you and that you reserve the right to tell whom you wish when you wish AND that it is nothing personal against her.

Good Luck,
C.

B.,

This is your life, your wedding, your baby and your decision. If this is how she chooses to behave, which is extremely immature, then let her. Don't chase after her, she's behaving like a baby and you'll only reinforce the behavior if you give it the time of day.

I completely agree with your approach in not playing favorites. It's your announcement to make and not for her to know before others.

Good luck...turn the other cheek. I've had to do it for years with my own mother.

D. P.

Mother of four, ranging in age from 5-20.

It sounds to me like your mom needs to grow up and realize that this is your child and your decision and that she will just need to accept the way you choose to handle things. I imagine that she was hoping as your mom to be the first to find out, but that isn't always easy when you have plenty of people to tell.

B.,

I think that Rebecca has hit it on the head. Your mother is trying to guilt trip you into what SHE wants, not what YOU want. Do what you've already planned, and be happy.

Congrats on the wedding, and new addition too!!!

Melissa

Dear B., You can tell your mom first but it should be because you want to, not because you feel guilty. Personally, I would stick to the original decision that you made with your fiance, to tell everyone together at the reception rather than trying to please your mom or explaining your reasons to her.

The reality is that you are part of a new family now. It's hard for our moms to adapt and the adjustment doesn't always go smoothly at first. But now is a good time to set some limits on grandma. If not, she will continue to be miffed at your choices and you will come to resent feeling manipulated. Hopefully, your mom will learn to respect your decisions and you will enjoy having her around when the baby comes.

Hi B.,
Just tell her.....It must mean alot to her. You have many more thinks to worry about. Make it something speical between you, her and the new baby.
Take care,
L.

At your age, there is absolutly no reason that your mother should be telling you how to do things. Let her know that you expect her to respect you and your husbands decisions whenever and whatever they may be. Days gone by, the Dr. was the first one to know what the gender was. She's lucky to be part of this technology. She is wanting her feelings to be more important than yours. That's not right. Sounds like it may be hard for her to relequish her opinions in the future. Be firm about your decisions. Good Luck.