Advice on Daughter's Increasing Independece

My daughter's (8&4) both have the boss gene. It isn't a bad thing, but they do need to be taught how to express what they want in appropriate words. I would not do what she says until she asks differently. I tell my girls "you need to use different words. Say ..." This teaches her how to address you with respect. I'm also careful not to use those words with my husband or with them. As far as choices go- sometimes you can give them, sometimes you can't- It's also good for them to learn you don't always get a choice. Just pick the battles you really want to fight and don't give in!! I know it's hard, but this will pass. It's more about her learning to communicate then being bossy, but it sounds harsh coming from a baby's mouth.

I find that warning them ahead of time helps..." When Barney is over, we're going to take a bath"...it puts it in perspective for them. The other things I have done include..."use your magic words" and always say it the same way....consistency is vital...I still tell my kids "bottom on the chair" each and every time they stand when they should be sitting...I don't say "it's not good to stand on the chair" and then "please sit down don't stand" and then "bottom on the chair"...same statement all the time I think is best. And last but not least, my son had 3 temper tantrums in his life...the first one I didn't even recognize until it was too late, the next one, I put him in the room next door by himself and said "no fuss...you may come back when you can stop fussing"...he got himself together and asked for permission to come back and join the group and the next time, he got up himself while he was fussing and went into the room and closed the door and came back when he was done! When there is NO audience, it has no fuel. The minute they start to fuss, you pick them up, remove the audience, tell them "no fuss...come back when you're done" and stick to it. It works like a charm. Good luck!

Sometimes when I need my children to do something they don't want to, like go get ready for bath, we race to the room. Then it still seems like we are playing, but they are also going where I want them to go.

Hi J.,
I am a toddler teacher and have 9 kids everyday in my classroom between the ages of 15 months to 20 months and oh boy is this a common behavior (and a very important developmental stage). When you can I suggest you give her a choice for example: would you like to wear the blue sweater or the red sweater? Then she will be wearing a sweater to keep warm but will feel like she made the choice. As far as things that there isn't a choice I would first let her know in advance when something will be happening. Example: you will be taking a bath after you finish your dinner. If she gives you a hard time going or doing what you have asked I would let her know if she doesn't do it "HERSELF" that you will do it for her and count to 3. If she doesn't do it help her. Eventually she will know that you will help her if she doesn't do it on her own and because of her independence she would rather do it on her own. I hope this helps.

This behavior is VERY normal! Some suggestions: Give her a warning before changing an activity. Let her know after she finshes "reading that book" or whatever the activity that it is time for a bath. Some children really need that "warning". I think every toddler goes through the "not eating" phase, which relates to their growth pattern they are in. Just offer her lots of choies and opportunities to eat - she won't let herself starve! As far as being bossy - they want some control (much like the eating thing) over what they want to do. Give some choices to her about activities that she would like to do when it is appropriate - not when you need to get somewhere at a paticular time. When you play with her let her direct some of the activities so that she feels she has some control over what you both will do together. Have fun with her, she will grow up fast! I have 3 boys who are almost 15,12, and 9 and work 25 hours a week as a preschool teacher.

She is NOT being a brat! She is using a limited vocabulary to express desires and needs and finding the path to being her own person. This is NOT a negative thing or something that needs to be punished.

Help her find the words she needs. When she says, "lay down mommy! now!" ask her, "Do you need cuddle time with mommy?"

When she says, "no like this song -no music!" you can say, "Ok, let's find something else to do", or "But mommy likes this song, so I'm going to listen to it. After, we can turn the radio off and do something you want to do."

Teach her the valuable art of compromise and respect for other people. This goes BOTH ways! You respect her needs and wants as an independent human, and she will slowly but surely start to respect yours.

If I didn't know better I would say you are describing my daughter. I don't really how to deal with it either, but every time she told me to do something in a not nice way, I would tell her that we don't talk like that and if she did it again she would go to time out. I know it may sound harsh, but now is the time they try and push their limits....if they know they can do something without punishment they will. And I know this is no help, but it only gets worse after they turn 2 and through to age three....my daughter is turning 3 in a few days!

I have a son who is 20 months old as well, and his behavior is quite similar. We taught him sign language, so he uses a combination of signs and words to express what he wants. We try to let him know ahead of time when when something will be the last or when it will end, and it seems to help quite a bit. An example is when I'm using a click pen and he wants to take it from me to play with. If I say "you can click it two times" and then after the first click I say "okay, last time". It makes a big difference because he knows what to expect. (It doesn't seem like much, but trying to get something away from him can instantly turn into a tantrum.) Counting to 3 works great too, like if he doesn't give it back. He knows that if he doesn't give it back by 3, then I'll take it away. And he'd much rather give it back himself then to have me take it away. We have been working hard on teaching him manners, like saying please when he wants something instead of whining and saying "uh, uh", and of course thank you when he gets it. I know the behavior will get more difficult as he gets a little older, but I'm looking forward to when he is better at communicating what he wants.

Welcome to toddlerhood!! When my first child (girl age 6 now) went for her 18 mos. well check-up, I was so suprised to hear her pediatrician say her behavaior would get worse as she approached age 2. She was right! My second child (boy age 23 mos.) is following in her footsteps. The vocabulary of a 2 year old is limited, so they use what words they can to convey their wishes as well as their emerging independence. It will get better and worse again. Each age brings new challanges. My now 6 year old was a tough toddler, but is a polite, kind little girl with manners now. Just be consistent, firm and patient (especially when it comes to safety issues). You will get through this tough time of toddlerhood. Then they will become teenagers!!! Good luck!

I have a 23 month old daughter and she has been doing the same thing! She's also in the "terrible two's" a little early so a minor thing could cause a breakdown. I have learned very quickly to pick my battles. I've been giving her choices to minimize this. I'll pick out two things for breakfast and lunch, 2 sets of clothing and so on and she gets to pick. This has been working wonderfully! If you do decide to try this out only give her two choices. I quickly learned that any more will confuse them and they'll get frustrated because they can't make up their mind which equals a breakdown. It's a rough age and stage for the parent and the child. Good luck!