Advice Needed - Austin, TX

I don't have time to read the other responses but if his reason is financial, maybe you can find some ways to cut back? I'm pregnant with #5 (6? twins possibly) and we have one income. I've been using cloth diapers (we spent $5,000 on disposables.) I try not to buy prepackaged foods (which aren't good for you anyway.) Fast food is a minimum. We don't do a lot of 'fun stuff' but we feel the children are a great trade off.

Find out the specific financial concerns and then work with those. If it's college, most people can't put one child through college. Don't worry about college- now adays it's common for people to get loans and scholarships and grands and virtually no help from the parents.

S.

HELLO T.,,,
i bet you husband is concenred about Money .AS you know we are in a resseccion ,,maybe if you could get a job ,there are leget programs on the inter net to make money in a few hrs .maybe then he would change his mind .ARe you can go out and look for a job .
Good Luck L.

My apologies for the lateness of this response. Your request really touched my heart because I was in the same boat but for different reasons.
I had our first daughter at age 34 after 8 years of marriage because my husband wasn't sure if he would be a good father. God made the decision for us, in spite of birth control, and gave us her. My husband admitted she was an absolute joy.
Time passed and I really wanted a second child but now my husband was worried he would be too old. God again made the decision for us, again circumventing birth control, so at age 40 I had our second child. My husband was 49. He has admitted that we couldn't have been blessed with better children and that they keep him young. What other 54 year-old man will take one daughter to the Girl Scout dance or sit down with the other to play Barbies?
What I'm trying to say, is that prayers take time. For now, try not to dwell on what you perceive as the negative and focus on the positive - your healthy boy. Take joy in him every day. You'll find yourself feeling so much happier and a happy mom makes for a happy child and husband. And remember, God is full of surprises, and He has a sense of humor.
Keep well.

Your husband has said you cannot afford another child. Is this true? Do you need to go back to work to be able to afford another child? Are you willing to work full time to help pay for the cost of another child? Are you willing to not be a stay at home mom full time? Is your husband worried about losing his job? Are you dependent on him for health insurance? How much will it increase with an extra dependent? Does he have financial plans for the near future that you are not aware of? Starting a business, moving?

Men are providers. Your husband can only think of the expense of another child for the next 25 years... Yes college is expensive. If you can convince him you can come up with the money he feels it will take, will he change his mind? This is the time to be truthful with yourself.
Will you need a larger home? If you have a girl, by the time she is 3 she will need her own room? How much will your health insurance increase?

We sacrificed to have just one child and me to be a SAHM. A very small house in a neighborhood with excellent schools. NO big vacations. We stayed in the state and took small trips. Our daughter participated in school activities, but never in club sports. There was a time when my husband lost his job and we did not have insurance for a year. I worried when she wanted to go to skating parties, what if she broke a bone? All of this makes a difference.I work as I can doing events, to help with extras, but we have never purchased a brand new car.

Not every family is willing to do this. You need to decide what you are willing to do. I asked my daughter once if she wished she had a sibling. She said yes, sometimes she is lonely, but once she spends time with her cousins or neighbors with siblings, she realizes, she is just fine as an only. Have a heart to heart with your husband.

I have friends that went ahead and "got pregnant" even though their husbands told them no more. They love the children, but they really feel betrayed by their wives. I know this because they talk about it. 2 of those families ended up divorced, I do not know if this was a main reason, but I think it was part of the trust lost.

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T.,
My heart goes out to you. I've always been told that if you are waiting to be able to afford anything it will never happen. God will always make sure there is the money for anything he gives you. I would hope that your husband would see how much you want this and change his mind. If you are a stay at home mom then you already don't have the cost of child care and don't forget the tax breaks at the end of the year. :D I'm now pregnant with our second and my husband and I have questioned if we could afford another one but we are taking it day by day and know that God will give us what we need. We have even excepted that we may have to make a few sacrifices. At this time we need my second income so we will have the cost of daycare unfortunately. God will always find the means to take care of another child. Maybe you should try sitting down with your husband and making him understand how much you want this. If you don't have another child you may have a grudge against him later for it and you don't need that in a relationship. I really hope that your husband sees how much you want this and you all have another child.
I'll be praying for you,
M.

How sad that the two of you did not discuss this before you married. Having an only child isn't so bad, but he will miss out of so much if he doesn't have a little brother or sister, as as you and your husband get older (much older) having more than one child will certainly be a blessing. Should either of you become very ill in your "old age", your one child will certainly appreciate having some help. As for not being able to afford another child...could you afford this one. Very few babies are born to couples who can actually "afford" them . You will be able to afford one if you really want one. You may have to pass up a few things, but in the long run it will be worth it. As wonderful as you say he is, is he also just a little bit selfish or self-centered? He certainly isn't considering your wishes.

The grass is always greener on the other side of the parenting fence, that's for sure. I look at the freedom and fun my friends with just one child have and think "why didn't we stop with just one?!?!"
I love my three boys dearly, but we are tight with the budget, never go out, I find it difficult to go places with them alone while my husband works because I'm so "outnumbered", and it's just plain noisy around here! Geesh!
If you never have another baby, embrace your group of friends and maybe family with kids as your extended family and take advantage of the things you can do with "just one". If you can't think of any, email me and I'll send you my fantasy list. :)

I've been given this advice and it worked for me, at least for a while. That is to get yourself some time to be around babies. Whether it is to sit for a neighbor, volunteer at your church's Mother's Day Out program, or somewhere else your imagination leads you. The theory is that, while being around babies, you get that feeling (that indescribable "I really want a baby" feeling) satisfied a little bit.

Maybe it would help you enough to feel calmer as you approach your husband's objections. I've heard it said that no one can really "afford a baby" and I've heard that the financially best time between babies is about three years. Personally, we just put our faith in God.

Good luck to all three of you!

I had always pictured myself as the mother of many children, but after we had our first (and only), somewhere in my heart I knew that one was it for us. And one it has been for over fifteen years now! It was the exactly right decision for our family, just what God had planned for us (and He always knows what's best!).

My son is very content being an "only". From the beginning we were able to completely focus on him -- he learned to read at age 3 (not pushing him, he just wanted to), we've always been able to help him focus on his interests, we're all very close, etc. It's actually hard to put into words the benefits of having an only -- but it's certainly not a "bad" or "sad" thing. One kid can give you a whole lot of love! And we've been careful not to spoil him. He has limits, chores, responsibilities, etc.

My advice would be (if you do have only one child) to focus on the positive aspects of having one child. Make sure they have plenty of playdates (we weren't good at that), and make sure your child can play by themselves when you need them to. I really wasn't good at that, and ended up exhausted much of his pre-puberty life! Be sure to give them their space, especially when they get older. It's hard when you only have one kid to focus on. When they hit puberty and start pulling away, it hurts! There's no one else to give your attention to (except your husband -- not a bad thing!), but if your relationship has been good up to that point, it will be again after they've gotten through that spot. (He's gotten through the worst of it, and our relationship is doing fine, BTW.)

As for how he will fare later in life without siblings -- none of us know for sure if we'll still have our siblings when we go through difficult things, or if we'll be close to our siblings, if they'll even "be there" when we need them. My mother is an only child. She lost her father 25 years ago and her mother just this last year. Who did she lean on? First of all, God. Then her husband and her children. She's been fine without siblings all her life, so I promise you, if you have an only, the chances of their emotional survival later in life are quite good!

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is -- it's understandable to be sad if you've wanted more than one child and you can't have more. But being the parents of an only (and BEING an only) can have so many benefits and positive aspects that it's not the end of the world! As long as you move forward and don't dwell on what "could have been" or what you "didn't get", and instead put your energies into making your family a happy place, things will be just fine!

T.--If your Husaband and child are that great then I would be satisified and thank God for your blessing.
My daughter-in-law wanted the same thing at 38 and my son-in-law and she sat down and decided there would be no more.
She was ok with it until one day she decided the clock was ticking and she could not bear the iead of not having another and she allowed herself to become PG. Everyone has suffered, oh I know your are thinking my husbaand would understand__not. Men fell betrayed and I do not understand why women have to have a child to become whole.
This child is now 6 and this marriage--well let me say it is not. They have been separted--back togehter and much more.

Please pray and re-think your decision and talk with your husband again. A clue--if he says we have had this decision--thats your sign.

God bless you

Hi T.,
I see that you have had lots of responses, but this subject is close to my heart so I'll add in my two cents' worth. Read all the responses, but remember people are writing to you about THEIR experiences. Look inside your own heart and keep communicating with your husband. Reassure him that you see his side of it. I love the mom's response who said to spend time with other babies. I too had a husband who was VERY hesitant to have babies. Mine are ten years apart. I was 38 when I had the second and he is as much the light of my life as the first. However I've always worked so my husband didn't bring up the money thing as the reason he was unsure. It is true that things will change down the road. Your husband might change his mind or you might. I also know the tremendous pull to have a baby. It was actually a physical yearning for me both times.
T., know that whatever decision you and your husband make will be the right one...everything will work out.
Blessings to you and your family.
D.

We wanted two children originally. I had one and my husband said that we could not afford any more. I started a daycare and took n only one infant at a time. The mothers loved that their baby was the only one and that I fawned over him/her like she was my own. The best part...they go home and I'm left with my only angel.
Only children are great and I could write a book about why it is so wonderful to have only one and finaial security is only one reason, but it is a big reason. I am never up at night wondering if the bills will get paid and I get to stay home with DD full time.
I'm not saying that it will be the same for you, but it has really worked out for us and adoption is always an option. I would relax and enjoy the one you have for now and revisit when you are more stable. Finaces can really put a straine on a relationship as can a deseptive pregnancy.
There are support groups out there for "one and done" mothers and couples. Many people are forced into having an only child and feel they need the support. I love having an only child myself.
Remember, you can always tell an only child that they are your favorite child without hurting anyone else's feelings. -One of our favorite things to tell our daughter, she just lights up. LOL.

Honestly, I would go see a therapist. This is not a bad thing. This does not mean you are going to get divorced. I have to say that b/c so many people think you only go when there is no end.

It sometimes helps to have a third person to help talk out hard situations. My husband and I go about twice a year for a little sanity check. We have been happily married for about 6 years and have done this since day one. My closest friends have called me asking about how it works b/c there husbands think you do not go until you are in real trouble and this is not the case.

My husband and I go when we just cannot figure things out and keep on going in circles on issues or just keep on fighting on the same thing.

The therapist just helps open the doors for discussion.

Hearts can change overnight sweetheart. I didn't want another baby after my first and then almost from one day to the next, I knew it was the right thing for our family and I was suddenly very excited to work on getting pregnant. It was a complete turn around. Continue loving and respecting your husband, and pray sincerely for his heart to change, and if it's the right thing, it will. You still have some time, so don't bug him, it will simply make him more stubborn. Miracles are alive and well.

Maybe one good point to bring up to him is that if something were to happen to you guys, (knock on wood) your son would be all alone. My mother in law is an only child and even as a grown women in her 60's found it difficult to deal with her parent's death on her own without the help and support from a sibling. I hope this wasn't too morbid of an email. Just wanted to add a little more insight for your husband.
Good luck:)

There has been some good advice so far and some that is helpful for me because we are deciding whether to have another one.

One thing that my husband and I have discussed is that a second one should cost less than the first because you already have all the stuff, if you've kept it. Maybe just clothes have to change if you have a different sex but most things can be used again.

You might also remind your husband that you could go back to work after the kids are in school and contribute to the household income. That would be in just few years.

There are lots of families who just don't go all out for everything trying to keep up with what other people are doing. You can spend a lot on kids and you can be sensible too.

Also I hope to be able to provide and pay for college for our kids but neither my husband or I had our college paid for, our parents couldn't really afford it but helped out where they could. We both had to get student loans and are very happy we did.

Best wishes if it is meant to be.

We thought we would only have one child until she was about 5 and started asking for a sister. Every wishing well, birthday wishes, and prayers included a request for a sister. We finally decided to have another child and they are the BEST of friends!! She tells me know how she was lonely before her sister came and how glad she is to have a little sister. I know it doesn't always work this way and we are very blessed. Good luck in your decision.
I must admit I have met many adults that have said they enjoyed being an only child but I'm glad that we didn't stay with our original plan. It is wonderful hearing two giggles in the back room knowing that they love to play with each other. Hope this helps.
Is your husband an only child or does he have a strained relationship with his family? I can't imagine not having a sibling to call when needed. (just my opinion of course.)

First of all, did you both discuss how many kids you both wanted before getting married? I see a lot of couples don't discuss such a major issue and later one says they want 1 child and the other says 5. Or one person changes their mind which isn't fair to the other if you already discussed how many you both wanted. Secondly, if you both actually want more than one child but just think you can't aford it, then give up some of your luxeries. You don't need brand new cars or a huge house. Many people buy more than they need and then complain they don't have extra money. See if there's anything that you can cut out of your lives that may make it easier financially. I'm a stay-at-home mom and we're planning on number 4 and believe me we're not rich but we don't live beyond our means and that's how we make it work. If you'd like help with your budget my husband is an excellent financial planner and could speak with you both. There's no fee for talking to him and he could give you a financial plan. E-mail me if you want and I'll have him contact you. ____@____.com is my address. Good luck to both of you.

There is no need to be sad. There are plenty of other options. You could get involved in big brothers big sisters programs. & if your situation improves over time you might adopt.

Good Morning T.;

From a very personal experience tell you husband this and it is totally true!
My wife and I had two sons, three years apart and each planned. We loved both.
When our youngest was 31 he died. This left us with only our oldest son. Which now this means that when we die and we will, he will basically be alone, oh he has cousins and
such, but, he has never been married and doesn't have any children and his brother never had any before he died!
If you have only one child and something happens to that child it means you are left alone, that isn't a pleasant thought!
Had we chose to have only one, then the joy we experienced with the second would never have happened! The cost of the second is so small compared to the pleasure! The second child was almost totally different from the first. Different personality, different drive, different in the love he gave, the same but very different!! hard to explain!
Actually my wife wanted a 3rd child, but, she had some very severe health problems that kept us from having the 3rd!
Best Wishes,
B. C.

You should have a baby! Prayer helps everytime. God will provide a way for you, where there's a will there's a way. Good Luck!

Pray, pray, pray!!! My daughter was NEVER going to have another child. I prayed for God's will and for Him to work on her heart. She's now 8 months pregnant with her 3rd!

My daughter-in-law mentioned she wanted to have another child but my son didn't. I prayed for months again, for God's will (my daughter-in-law has a heart conditon) and for Him to change hearts, bring them into agreement, etc. They announced at Christmas that they are expecting their second child (oldest is almost 4 yr old). When I told my son that I had been praying he said, "well, you know the woman is the heart and the man the head, so I had to get to the place where I believed we would make it financially and had to consider my wife's health."

As an older woman (and a grandma) I vote for more children, especially if you have the desire to have more. It's not only for the present but for the future that you'll want children. It's not just so they'll have siblings either. Some young women can't see ahead to realize that. Besides the more children, the more grandchildren! :-)

I actually remarried when I was 42 with 3 older teens and my husband didn't have any children. I certainly would have had more but had to have a hysterectomy. It took me a few years to realize it was best that we didn't have any. And my husband is a wonderful grandpa to "our" grandkids!

May God grant you the desires of your heart as you wait on Him and enjoy your present blessings. Saying a prayer for y'all! With Love, N.

Hi T.,
I felt very sorry for you when I read your letter. I am an only child and I never liked it. When I was young I use to always hang out with friends who had larger families. I loved all the chaios that came along with it. However, my friends always wanted to come home with me because they didn't have to share and they liked all the quiet time we had to play together. So you always want what you don't have, I guess. But I never felt complete as most everyone has a sibling or two. I never got to experience the closeness and felt somewhat betrayed being raised alone. The most important impact on me came when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had just had my 2nd baby and was only 28 years old. She was so excited for me when I had my first child and was even more thrilled when we were expecting number 2. However she only lived for 9 months after learning of her cancer. I was so lost because I had no one I felt could really understand my loss. Two years later when I was 30, my dad also became ill with cancer and he died within 2 years. I went thru their home alone went thru everything alone, experienced both deaths alone. Its been 22 years since the death of my mom, and I still feel very sad as if all the things I knew about when I was young are gone. I can tell you that I went on to birth 5 children over 13 years and we also adopted 3, so I have been raising 8 children. I finally have my big family after all. But I still have such a void when I think about my youth and growing up alone. I think you should raise these issues to your husband, how you both may not be there for your child always and he needs to have another part of you both to hang on to someday. I agree with you, have another one for him and for you and your husband. I had my last one at 38years, she is the apple of my eye! Yes they are expensive, but worth it. I hope some of this helps and I hope you convince him to have one more. He should not have the only word in the matter, maybe talk to his parents. I'm sure he is not an only child. Good luck!

Hi T., sorry this email is kind of late but I coudn't help putting my two cents in since I'm an only child and my little girl is also an only child by choice. You make it sound as if there's something wrong with having just one, but actually there are a lot of pro's to that decision, the list is so long I will not write it here but basically there's more time, energy, love, and money to go around and less stress & tension in a marriage. You mention you get to stay home with your little one and that is great, I did the same for the first 3 years of my daughters life and recently I open a small daycare in my home for her to socialize with other children and I can still be with her until she reaches the school age. However I would probably not be able to do the same if I had another child, have you consider that perhaps you would have to work outside of your home on a daily basis to help provide for the other child, and that would mean less time for both children and more strain on your marriage. What usually happens is that the babysitter is the one raising the children instead of the parents and you miss a lot of milestones & precious moments of your child, be happy with the blessings you have! There are many couples who wish they could have a child of their own.
And in regards to the person who said something about being alone if you lose your only child, well YOU CAN'T REPLACE A CHILD WITH ANOTHER SIBLING, children are not replaceable you will not miss a child any less just because you have more children, also a mom is a mom whether you have one or six, and having only one child doesn't make you any less of a woman/mom! I understand that every family is different and having only one child is not for everyone, but please don't make it sound like it's a awful decision.
I really hope you and your husbanbd can reach a decision that you are both comfortable with, maybe he doesn't feel financially stable at this point but in two or three years things could change, if you work on paying off any debts you might have and start saving money for the future. I hope this helps you in some way and I wish your family the best :-)

T., could you work more during this pregnancy and get a head start on saving to mitigate the first years expenses of a new baby? Remembering that #2 is cheaper than #1
It seems fear of financial ruin is your husband's fear and fear of your child being the only one without sibling support is yours. Your husband's fears can be made concrete on paper. Yours are more subjective- but not less valid.
Assuming the worst case scenario- husband loses job- do you have family or savings that could tide you over for 6 months?
Could you earn enough to cover mortgage and food?
Is he looking at college costs? I am thinking that health care and college will be universally available by then as it is in the rest of the civilized world. I wouldn't worry about that.
Worrying is the natural state of the husband/father. Mine was hysterical most of the time and it was usually totally unjustified. We are now retired with way more money than we need and each of our 3 went to very expensive schools. I am the oldest of 5 and cannot imagine being without a sibling. My husband is an only child and he wouldn't chose that for his own kids. So...counseling to resolve the issue and pen and paper to make the fears concrete would be my suggestion. Good luck, it isn't an easy decision.

Wow this is a pretty heavy subject. I am sorry to hear that your husband and you are differing on your wants. My suggestion on this matter is to seek counseling whether it be just for yourself or for you and your spouse together. I know this sounds like a blanket resolution to marital problems, but sometimes with issues that are this important and hard to share (on the males part) what are the real reasons, it helps to have a mediator. The military provides financial coverage for this and you can seek miltary or civilian counselors. Good luck with this. I hope you can get to the bottom of this.

Just a note on the college fund you mentioned... Check out UPromise.com YOu can sign up for free and register all your store cards (CVS, Kroeger) and major credit cards or gas cards. When you buy something that happens to be a UPromise rebate item (soup, cookies, cereal, ... the items change monthly) or get food at a participating establishment,... you get rebates sent back to an account that they will hold for college. You have to give a social security #, so if you think you are going to do student loans use your son's SS #. If you are going to try to fund some college with a parent plus loan or two, you will want to register the account with the SS # of the person working/w-income.

This is important later, way later for you........ but here's a history that may help you see why this is such a good program.
First of all it is FREE. You can be accumulating now, for college later- which is in addition to any TX state programs or grants/scholarships he may get!

I didn't find out about the program until we were struggling to see how our Freshmans college student would be able to afford to continue. Well, there is an option to get a citibank UPromise credit card (the World Card is what we have). They will rebate 1% of everything we buy with the card back to a "holding" account for the student for college, BUT they also will PAY STUDENT OR PARENT PLUS LOANS DIRECTLY! On a quarterly basis, they send the amount of the rebate directly to the loan. (ours are parent plus loans under my social security #) So pretty much EVERYTHING we buy goes on the credit card. I pay the balance off every month, but instead of writing a check to the DSL, Cell, Elect, insur (home and auto), etc... I just have them auto pay to the card. When we grocery shop, it goes on the card, when we get starbucks, it goes on the card......... everything but Gifts to church goes on the card. Right now, we have at least $25.00 per month that get's credited back to the UPromise account. Every Quarter, they send the accumulation to the Sallie Mae Parent plus loans we have out for our daughter. For now it pretty much takes care of interest payments.

Anyhow, anyone want more details feel free to message me.

prayer is all . i have 4 and my mother had 4 and we managed. iknow the lord was with us. pray that the lord softens your husbaands heart .

Hi T.-

I don't know if this is going to be of any help or not, but I can tell you for me that the "oh, wouldn't it be wonderful to have just one more baby" feeling doesn't go away! We had 2 beautiful children and were very close to saying that's it, before we got in one of those moods and ended up with our 3rd. This time throughout the pregnancy we were sure that was it and that since we had both agreed and were happy we thought it would be easy to stop there and concentrate on our family. Well a year has past since my son was born and my husband finally got around to scheduling his vasectomy and sure enough I cried at the thought of not having any more children. In my heart I knew it was the right thing for our family and it's the reasonable decision, but there's still that urge. Anyway, he has had the vasectomy and we are definitely done, but I understand the wondering what another baby would be like. I guess my point is at some point you have to stop and just be happy with the blessings you have even though you may still wonder what might have been.

On a different note I have 2 friends that each have an only child and are soooo happy with their decision. I see how much attention their children receive and am often jealous that I am just not able to do that for mine. In addition to the attention the child receives each of the parents is still able to find time for themselves. There are a lot of benefits to having an only child.....

Good Luck,
K.