Advice Needed - Olathe,KS

First of all, I agree w/ the other 2 ladies. Second, I will give you some HORRIBLE ADVICE. Bitch and complain as much as you can to at least one person. That person should probably be someone like a sister or best friend. Not your husband or mother. Let out as much as you can. This is what I do. It makes the stress and tension I feel much easier to deal with when I am around them. Now by them I don't mean my in-laws, but that's besides the point. My advice will help only in the area of not exploding the next time this situation arises.
As I said, HORRIBLE ADVICE. I just had to get that off my chest. Good Luck and God Bless. You'll need it.

I would try to schedule some time with just your children and your in-laws, so they can have some fun with their grandparents while the other children are not around. I would also explain to your kids that their grandparents do not like the other children better, they just demand more of their attention. But if they've already had that alone time with their grandparents, they will feel closer to them.

This might sound mean but the next time your kids ask you that, tell them you don't know and maybe they should ask Gramma and Grampa that question. My mother-in-law didn't think I sould have any children because she thought my sd should be enough for me(can you imagine someone being that BOLD?)so I calmly told her that I was going to have children and if she didn't want to see them she didn't have to. She was a wonderful gramma from the minute they were born. lol

I experience this all the time. My SIL has relied on her parents for support and child care. Although they have more other grandchildren they know hers better. I felt a rivalry building up between us and her so I made the choice to avoid family functions that she would be attending until I could feel better about my children's relationships with the inlaws. Instead of only seeing their grandparents at family functions my boys spend time with at least Grandma here in my home once a month. Because they are our guests there is no chance sil can stop by with one of the 4 that she has for the weekend.

Independent time is really all they need to show their personality to your inlaws. Ask them to babysit each of them singly at your home as well as having a "having the inlaws to dinner night" each month.

Plus you won't be over shadowed by a sil that may rely on her parents for more than just interest in her kids.

While you're implementing this you can work on putting some guidelines on your feelings. There's a book "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz will help you avoid the jealousy. If you can get through the talk about the Toltecs and the your internal judges you'll come away with a very easy concept of dealing with users.

I also get rather hateful when it comes to someone hurting my child and I truly think that if I were in your situation, I would take myself, or my children rather, the ones who are really being affected &/or hurt by these actions out of the situation all together. The next time there is a family function, simply don't go. It doesn't seem as though you &/or your children's presence is even a welcomed one so why bother putting them in a place where they can and do get their feelings hurt. Surround them by people who love them and actually show it. For example, you and your husband and perhaps your parents.

Okay, I'm going w/ the bad advice of have your kids ask HER that question. Then and ONLY then will she SEE that her actions are affecting the KIDS and not just you and your husband. I wouldn't bend over backwards to make her happy, although reverse pyschology MIGHT work on her. My MIL is the same way, but our kids are too young to notice it yet w/ the presents, etc. It will come I'm sure, but the BIL's kids don't live around here. However, when they were little and the whole fam was at there house, they did notice something. Every time my kids or my older BIL's kids asked to sit on her lap, she'd say, "I'm not that kind of Grandma." But every time my younger BIL's kids went over to her, she'd set them up on her lap and let them eat a meal ON HER LAP. My kids just learned that's how Grandma is.

But as they get older, I'm sure they'll see more and question it further. I guess my point is you're not alone!

Best of luck to you! And remember to try and not let your kids show how angry it makes you.

~K. =)

I too completely relate to what you are dealing with. I have read some of the other advice from other mom's and I can tell you that I have tried to just let my kids go over, but everytime without fail, they(the grandparents) would invite the other grankids over. They don't know my kids!!When I talk to my mother in law on the phone I think she forgets that I am the daughter in law to the other set of grandkids. She tells me about what she has done with the other grandkids,bought for them, how she has to get up and take them to school(she lives on one side of town & the grandkids live on the other). I think part of the issue with my situation is that she feels they are needier than mine. There parents are horrible!! My kids are well taken care of, but it still hurts. I will agree with the advice above to try and not dwell on the situation, because from experience I can tell you it will eat you up and hurt your relationship with your husband!! My kids really have no realationship with them at all and its not because of us that they don't!! I have tried everything possible to get them involved. Invited them to my kids( 5 & 7 yrs old) sporting events, school functions, grandparents special days at schools etc etc.....I can honestly tell you that it has not gotten better over the years and doesnt seem to be letting up anytime soon!! Just stay strong and if you have issues you should voice them. Let your children know that this behavoir is no fault of theirs!! Hope this helped a little, if nothing else knowing that others are in the same situation as you are!!

I am in a similar situation. When my husband and I married over 4 years ago, my mother-in-law informed my family and me that she would never love any of my children like she loves the children from her first son. Well, I am pregnant with our first child and scared to death. I can only tell you that I plan to minimize any hurt feelings by explaining to my child that life isn't fair and that sometimes others act in ways we don't like or approve of. I suggest that you may want to try to talk to your sister-in-law and perhaps arrive early to family events so that your children can be the center of attention. I hope it works out for you and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I have a feeling I will be in your shoes next year.

Hi A.,

As awful as the situation sounds, I also noticed that you said they were wonderful grandparents. Children need their grandparents. Have you tried to arrange some time for the grandparents and just your children to spend together? Maybe they could take just your kids to the movies and out for pizza or take them to the park. This alone time with the grandparents and just your kids may be what they need. Good luck and let us know what happens.

A.,
You described yourself as a sahm(me 2!) of 3 wonderful little people......well, continue to teach them well! My best advice is breathe deep and KILL HER WITH KINDNESS!! Sometimes bitter people just don't know what to do with kindness! It is her issue, not your kids responsibilty to make it "right" with Grandma/Grandpa. As they grow up, they will SEE their behavior is wrong. Family dynamics are strange indeed. Shower your kids and husband with love, and let the rest of 'em bicker and fight for all the attention! You are already rising above this!
Sounds like you got the "catch" with your husband and wonderful kids. Good Luck!

Hi A.
I am in the same situation you are in. My mother-in-law has her favorites and they are my sister-in-laws 2 girls. She lets her granddaughters stay the night with her every chance they get,they stay sometimes 1-2wks with her. Their brother don't even get to stay with her. My kids have asked but it is always some accuse so they stopped asking. My husband and I agree on the situation with them he has said things to them but it doesn't ever change anything. We don't go see them very often any more we just talk to them on the phone. Some times it is just easier to distance herself from them, it is hard but it is better than letting it upset you alot. It might help if you and your husband let your kids tell their grandma how they feel. If you have to it may be better to just see them for family functions only, we had to.Maybe then they will get the point. It is not easy but stand your ground.

Yes I have encountered this problem as well, with my ex's family. And it still goes on. I used to get soooo mad about it all the time to my ex and it would cause enormous fights between us, but finally I figured out that it got us nowhere and did not do a bit of good. So, I just decided in my head, and trust me it was hard, as I have a big mouth and speak my mind often; that it was not going to bother me any more, you can't change it so why occupy your time with it. As far as your children, how old are they, I would tell them that you are sorry they feel that way that they are not liked as much and that they should tell grandma and talk to her about it maybe if it came from the kids it might sink in. Good luck to you it is hard I know!! If you want to chat some more feel free to contact me!

Hi A., I have about 5 minutes before I leave for church. I will put on here what I can.

I don't know how much help I can be other than to say, I totally understand how you feel.

For me, it wasn't in laws ... it was my father. After my lifetime of him playing favorites with my sister, I thought that grandchildren would be different ... it's not. I'd seen a difference, but prayed and prayed they didn't.

I will never ever forget the first time that we were coming home from my sister's when he was there for a visit and my son said "Mommy, why does Grandpa like the Smith kids more than us?"

It broke my heart.

I need to leave for church, I will send you another message about some ways I've dealt with it, but wanted to get the message to you that I understand, and you're not alone.

P.
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Hi A.,

I too have various issues with the in-laws. One idea I have is to spend some time with them without the other grandkids. This will give them a chance to see how truly wonderful your kids are and really appreciate the fact that they are not whining all the time like the others.

Also, I have realized that we do not need to spend lots of time with the in-laws. Sure we see them and of course spend the holidays, but I find that I have more tolerance when we are not with them all time. Also, the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend is a fabulous book. It helped me with not only the in-laws but also my family, work, friends, volunteering, etc.

Best wishes,
C.