Advice from a Close Friend

My son is 11 months and still doesn't hold his bottle 100% of the time. He didn't really start holding it until at least 9 months. As for food, there's nothing wrong with taking it slow. I think as long as he is eating it by a year you are doing fine. I don't think I did much finger foods at 8 months either. Maybe a tiny bit of bread. You are doing FINE!

Oh boy! These types of situations stink and I just wanted to respond because it really gets to me that a lot of parents think that their the expert and go as far as making other parents second guess themselves...and in effect steal some of the joy out of being a parent (especially for first-timers like you). Everyone's child is different. Talk to your doctor to get some peace of mind that you're not doing anything wrong and that he's on track with development. Then use that as leverage with your friend. Say something like, "I really appreciate you trying to help, but I've talked to my doctor and he/she isn't concerned about X or Y."

I think it's best be firm with your friend in telling her to let you parent your child the way you want to. And tell her you're saving the tough love for when he's a teenager and to stop starving your baby!! Trust me, I'm the worst at confrontations, but I think in this situation it'd be best. Good luck!!

Don't listen to your friend!!! I would never let her babysit again. It's totally FINE that your son doesn't want to hold his bottle! And the food you are feeding him is just right! You are actually doing a much better job with your son than your friend is with her child! Babies only need to rely on formula or breastmilk for the first year. Food is just extra. At 8 months your baby can "practice" with finger foods such as cherrios but it's mostly for practice and entertainment.
Babies should NOT obligated to hold their own bottle at 6 months! Your friend needs some education herself instead of doling out bad advice.

I had a friend like yours. Always full of crappy, meaningless advice. I had to tell her that her advice was only welcome if I asked for it. STAND YOUR GROUND!!!
You are doing a GREAT job as a mom!

SHOOT!
i wrote a whole response and it got deleted.

anyway, your friend is SERIOUSLY misinformed. i really hate to find out where shes getting this idea that your son is 'lazy' and that he needs to hold his own bottle. this is WRONG and DANGEROUS behavior. i would NOT let this friend watch your child until after this period has passed and your child is more independent with this kind of thing. however, i would feel worse ever letting her near your child again...

your friend has NO education regarding child development. the ideas and the things she has to say are VERY WRONG for ANY child.
i have a licensed in home child care, and we are NEVER allowed to even prop a bottle for a baby. when babies are eating, they are to be HELD. its not about just getting the baby a meal. its about nurturing your baby; bottle nursing its sometimes called.
babies who dont get those good feelings when eating can come up with a bad attitude about food. and think about how your friend must have treated her baby in order to get her to hold a bottle at 6 months; i can imagine that it got so bad that baby, for self preservation, HAD to learn to hold the bottle. its not something that babies naturally know how to do, its not something that most babies are ready to do on their own. so to have a baby that young start holding her own bottle... thats just plain scary.

now heres the important part.
ONLY YOU KNOW AND UNDERSTAND YOUR CHILD AND WHAT HE IS DEVELOPMENTALLY READY FOR.
not the doctor, not your family, not your friends. YOU. you are mom, ONLY YOU have the God given natural instincts for YOUR specific child. they are there for a reason. you just keep following your instincts, you keep following your heart, and you move through the developmental stages at your childs pace, not what your friend thinks.

www.askdrsears.com is a fantastic resource for anything and everything baby! :D dr sears writes about attachment parenting, and mothers instincts, and following them! :D dr sears is about loving and nurturing our children instead of expecting them to grow, mature, and become independent on their own. FACT: children do NOT become independent without healthy dependence on their mothers and fathers! they NEED you! they NEED a response when they cry! they NEED emotional connection when they nurse or bottle nurse. they NEED mom to interact with them!!

it should be pretty simple. look at how her child behaves, sleeps, eats. look at how she relates to mom.
the answer to all your wonderings should be in how her child behaves. if you want something better for your child, its not luck of the draw, its parenting. kids who are responded to, kids whos needs are fulfilled, kids who are nurtured and loved.... they are happy, healthy, and really, you may be surprised, but they actually listen!

my son is 2.
i have used attachment parenting since he was born. basically, it wasnt like i was reading the book for every turn and every decision, but it certainly gave me permission to do what my heart ached me to do! i didnt let my son 'cry it out' - it went against my instincts. i breastfed and chose child led weaning. i know, its not possible for everyone, but like i said, bottle nursing is just as important! :D my son self weaned happily at 19 months old, and i was actually disappointed about it LOL.

i carried my baby frequently, in a sling, or a carrier. :D i held him and talked to him and did all those connecting things. i didnt just expect him to entertain himself. yes, he got plenty of time to just explore on his own and he still does. but out of all the 2 year olds i know, i have NEVER known one like my son. he listens, hes happy, he doesnt throw every day every hour tantrums... and when he is really upset about something its more often that i know what he needs, instinctivly... and we fix it! :D with my in home child care, a lot of times he just needs to be removed from the situation and have some alone time in his room. and sure enough, he doesnt spazz out... he plays with his toys until hes ready to come out again. :D and hes 100% better when he comes out

anyway, i want you to know that you can write to me with any questions or problems. i really feel aweful for your friends lack of knowledge about development... and theres not really much we can do about it except be a good example. most moms have NO idea what they are doing, and they latch onto what seems like the easiest choices, and usually they are the ones that disconnect your children from you! and you want the opposite! :D

anyway, you just do what you need to do as a mom. you are the mom. you have the instincts. and if you cant trust your friend to be sensitive to your son, you cant leave him with her! this is so dangerous, and i cant believe that she doesnt want to hold her kid. :(
does she have depression issues? is this a postpartum issue maybe? cuz this is HIGHLY unusual, i think...
anyway. good luck. pray for your friend (if you are into religion.. sorry if you arent...). just try to be a good example. try to show her what happy parenting can be like! its not always smiles and laughs... but it IS rewarding, especially when you have a two year old who is supposed to be 'terrible', but instead is loving, empathetic, kind, emotional, and trusts us! :D i cant imagine doing it any other way. :D hes so great for a 2 year old, and i know its because of the attachment parenting.
anyway.
i really hope that your friend finds a better way to parent, and i hope that you keep doing what your instincts tell you to do. dont let anyone tell you different.

Your friend sounds like a pain in the ass. You know your son more than anyone, so just follow your instincts. My son NEVER held his own bottle, but my daughter has started doing it at 6 months. I guess every kid is different. Your son could probably start with finger foods now. His motor skills are probably good. Some people just think they know it all. I couldn't BELIEVE that he didn't eat because she thought he should hold his own bottle! Shame on her!!

My DD has a condition that made us go slow with solids. She didn't start eating anything chunky until 10 1/2 months and she's a little over a year now and doing fine. She also didn't start holding her bottle til about 10 months old and she does it all the time now except when she's too tired. All babies are different. Just because your friend's baby did things a certain way does't mean your has to.

NO ONE knows what works for your baby better than YOU! Never forget that. That's why YOU are the mommy. If she is not respecting the way you want your child cared for then I wouldn't use her to babysit anymore. I would just comment that I'm glad that worked for you. I'm HIS mommy and I'm going to do it my way. Good luck!

There is nothing wrong with your baby! Some babies, including my son, never do hold there own bottle. By the time my son was interested in holding his bottle I was taking it away because he had turned 1. At that point I was more interested in him learning how to use a sippy cup. Enjoy this time with your son and hold him when he is being fed - it will go fast! As far as finger foods go, your son is right on track. He will progress at his own rate. If you ever have your friend babysit again just give your son a bottle right before you leave and don't leave him with her for more than a couple hours. In a couple months he will be eating more finger foods and then it won't be as much of issue.
Good luck!

I would be beyond annoyed. After yelling at her I would never let her watch my child again. She sounds nit picky, judgemental and self righteous. We all have different friends in our lives for different things. This should be one of your friends that really has no business with your child. I have one friend I go shopping with and giggle with and she has no kids so she has no idea what I'm talking about when it comes to that stuff. I have another friend that has kids and she's open minded and we bounce ideas off each other. Gage the people in your life and see how they fit to your needs. It's your world, make it a happy place not stressful. The fact that she's like that is her problem not yours. Live your life and place people where you need them. Sounds weird, but it works.

Good Luck and be strong!

Hugs to you

Ann,

K., is your friend a doctor or a nurse practitioner? Doesn't sound like it. I think you need to assert yourself for the sake of your baby. Your friend obviously thinks she knows better than you. Doesn't that bother you? She doesn't know better than you when it comes to raising your own child. Get someone else to babysit for your son. Your friend's baby knows how to do all that stuff at age one because she is a different baby than the one you've got. Not better....just different. I think your friend lacks maturity in her assumption or should I say, expectation, that every baby develops the same skills at the same rate. Does your friend realize it's a baby you've got? I mean, what is this ridiculous business with denying a baby some cradling and rocking while she enjoys her bottle? When did it become wrong or shameful to hold your baby's bottle for her while she eats? Keep helping your baby develop healthfully and at her own pace, and if you think your friendship with this woman is worth the risk, lovingly tell her to hold back on giving you advice when you don't need it. Believe me, being a mother means modeling the behaviors that you wish your child to have when they're grown up. If you can't assert yourself and let your friend know she has been insulting you by giving this unsolicited advice, then your child will most likely grow up to let others walk all over her.

K.-
Please follow your heart and don't have her babysit him any more. My son NEVER held his own bottle and he's perfectly normal. (He's 5 now and learning Chinese...) Each child develops skills and tastes at his/her own pace. I would personally put a little distance between yourself and your "friend" for a little while. You don't need that kind of stress from someone who is supposed to make you feel good. Being a mom is hard enough. I would only be concerned about things that your doctor says to be concerned about. (And even then, follow your instincts..No one knows your DS like you...)
Take care of yourself and Happy Holidays!
J.

all babies vary in their developement. You can't base what one child does by what another did. And even if she was right, he's yours, not hers. Would you go against her wishes while babysitting for her? I doubt it. Ask her to please respect your wishes for how you want to raise your child and that you will respect hers.

Here's something your friend needs to remember: EVERY BABY IS DIFFERENT! What works for one child may not work for another and they all develope at different rates. I would be furious if my son didn't eat just because she "refused" to hold his bottle for him! With that specificly-- what is the big deal??? So he's not holding his bottle at 8 mths, so what! You know it won't be like that forever, he'll hold cups eventually. I can't see him graduating HS and not being able to hold a cup. LoL So for now look at it as a little more bonding time between you and your son =)

As for the rest of it, it sounds like you're doing a great job and introducing things at your baby's speed. YOU are the mother, trust your gut and follow your son's lead. Whenever your friend compares your baby to another and what your son "should" be doing, just tell her you appreciate her observations (since it doesn't seem like advice to me) but every baby is different.

I think it's okay that your son doesn't hold a bottle. My 8 month old doesn't. Feeding should be a loving time for baby and his caregiver to bond. Your son is lucky to have someone who gives him security in that way.
I heard sombody say once "you are an expert on your child." You are with him the most and you know what is right and what's not. Even if it's your first, you know the most about your kid.
I would tell your friend "thank you for your input, but this is what feels right for me." I wouldn't have her babysit if she can't honor what you want her to do. If she really won't listen and makes you frustrated, you might try taking a break from her until your kids are older and maybe more the same devolopmentally.

I can't remember the age my kids started holding their own bottles, but he should be working on it. I used to lay mine on the floor with a pillow under their head, while they held the bottle. Occasionally I would have to give it back to them if they dropped it...but eventually they caught on. I don't think he should just NOT be given a bottle if he won't though. That was wrong of your friend. I don't think I would have her sit again either!

As for you and your son, I would just keep practicing! Practice with the holding the bottle thing, AND with the finger food. I would think by 8 months he needs more than just a bottle. Plus the finger foods help with their fine motor skills.

It is VERY tempting to do basic things for your kids rather then them doing it, but you must if they are going to learn! I think every 1st time mom goes through this! You are normal! It is nice to hear someone cherishing their baby rather than rushing them through things. Keep up the good work momma!

That is about all you can do! They will catch on in time, usually sooner than you think! OH yeah, this will probably NOT be the last time someone tells you how to take care of your kids. Seems like it happens all the time. Just take it with a smile, and do what you want! My favorite line for things like this is "Smile and wave boys, smile and wave." -Madagascar Penguins

Hi! Neither of my kids ever held their bottle. I think they prefered me to do it and I enjoyed it as bonding time. Finger foods - don't worry about it! The first kiddo is hard because you do worry about joking. But is sounds like he is at a good start. Do what works for you two. Thank your friend for her advice but let her know that you are doing what is comfortable for you and you will let her know when you are looking for helpful suggestions.

Hi K.,

First off my daughter NEVER held her bottle (even when she could around 10 months)... I think she really liked the bonding time of me holding her, and I did too so I was not going to force her to hold it. At 13 months she was off the bottle and on to a sippy cup and she held those by herself. My daughter also did not eat finger food till 11 months, she would eat rice cereal and some baby food but to me she was just swallowing and not chewing so we gave her finger food when she was ready.

You know your child best and just because someones child did it at a certain age does not mean your child will... I would think ever mother would realize and understand that.

Secondly if you do not feel comfortable with leaving your son with your friend due to feeding issues then don't... let her know that you love her as a friend but if she babysits for you she has to keep up the routine that your son is comfortable with. Just because someone has a child does not mean they can say well this is the only way I do it and if it does not work then say forget it your son is not going to eat, sorry but not feeding a child is neglect and a good friend would NOT do that.

If you really need her to babysit so you can get something done then make sure you schedule it around your child... feed him right before you leave and be back by his next feeding time. That would allow you to get something done and you won't have to worry about if your son is getting fed or not. It is hard to find a babysitter, my daughter is 2 and thankfully both sets of grandparents live about 30mins away and are willing to come over, otherwise I don't have a babysitter... ask around or talk to another mom (friend or not) and see if you can babysit for each other when needed.

Best wishes!

I'm glad you are writing to us K. because this is a good thing to be learning to deal with now. My daughter is 2 1/2 years old and I still am judged and given unsolicited advice or being told what I should or shouldn't be doing. I have learned to hear them out and then disregard everything I don't need. Sometimes I will say one sentence stating that I'm doing something different, but the truth is children develop at their own pace, their own time.

I'm sure your son excels in some things learning them faster than other babies and others he will lag in. He's learning his world. The only time we need to be concerned is when the child is behind in everything because that may point to an underlying condition, but otherwise we are going to see them exceling in some areas and struggling in others and there will always be that mom who thinks she is/was perfect.

There are no perfect moms and no, I would not let her babysit again. Letting your son starve is neglect, not helping him to learn and grow. If I was getting frustrated about my son holding the bottle or helping him to learn, I would let him practice holding it on his own after he's finished eating so he can develop the skill while not being neglected. With my daughter it's always been opportunites to grow. I've never forced her and I think that is the way to a happy, healthy child. I think this is what you are trying to accomplish as well.

In a world of overachievement and pushing our children to tears, I think it's refreshing to see parents like myself who want to see our children succeed, but not be stressed out during the process.

Angie

ok- i had a friend like that once. my sons were 2 1/2 & 6 months. i was giving the little one tylenol for teething and the older one was throwing a fit because he wanted some too. i was on the phone with friend and she asked what the fuss was about so i told her.

get this- she actually told me "oh just give him some. you'll eventually learn its easier to give in"

we are talking medication here not a cookie! she never watched my kids again.

you are the mother. so what if her kids eat and hold on bottle. even if yours COULD hold on bottle. if you want to cuddle and bond and hold his bottle so be it!

i also remember my MIL thinking i was nuts because first baby food i gave son was banana. she was like- why??? everyone give applesauce first.

the next time she has something to say that offends you or crosses that line of advice vs instruction, just reply... "That's what i love most about being the mom cuz i get to decide for what is best for my baby?"

:)

My son is 12 days younger than yours and he still can't hold a bottle either and he's still eating mostly purees too (we have no teeth though). Do what you feel is best, tell her not to raise your child (that's your job) and I would NEVER let her watch my child again! I think that's horrid that she wouldn't feed him and in my opinion child neglect - if my friend had done this to my son I would have called Child Protective Services.

WOW! I'd be ticked! You need to tell your friend to back off. Glad her baby is doing such things already, but not all babies develop the same. As a mom of 5, we've seen our kids do all the "normal" stage things, at different ages. As long as your peditrician says that he's growing and developing fine, then she really needs to back off. I seriously would not let her babysit if she is going to be that controlling with the kids... especially when it's not ever her child! I have taken my kids everywhere with me when I didn't have a babysitter.

Wow. How annoying! I didn't read anything in your post that sounded like you were doing anything wrong. My son didn't hold his bottle for a long time. I was worried about giving him finger foods because of the possible choking hazard too.
What I would do is check with your pediatrician about all the things you are doing and go by what he/she says. When your friend starts in just say, "My pediatrician and I think what I am doing already is best so that is what I am going to do." And if she keeps nagging at you, just keep repeating that same response. After awhile she should get the hint or get tired of hearing the same response and leave you alone.

I would not let her baby-sit anymore if she won't take the time to feed your son. It doesn't take very long to hold a bottle so he can eat. That is ridiculous!

HTH,
A.

Someone...the AAP? La Leche League? Someone who "does" kids...recommends holding your baby and snuggling them for the first year--never propping them with a bottle--for the sake of bonding. There will definitely come a time when either a) your patience or b) his will be challenged by you having to hold a bottle for him, and he will naturally want to do it himself. Also, as long as you're giving him ample opportunity to practice his pincher grasp and meeting his nutritional needs, he should be doing fine, food wise!

Seriously.....I would say....."Thank-you for your advice, I will take it into concideration" and NOT let her watch him for me again until she can abide by MY parenting of MY son, or Yours ;) I know she just thinks she is helping you, but YOU know YOUR son better than anyone else. All children develop differently and do things at different times, if she can not understand that, then you probably should not leave your child unsupervised with her, unless you are willing to let her treat him that way. I don't know if I would try to talk to her about it or not, it might just blow up the friendship, I dunno. Good luck and God Bless you and your little one!
T. G

K.,

I'm only going to say what everyone else has said, but you need to hear it again. You are your son's mommy and you know him the best! Only do what is comfortable for you and him. TRUST your instincts.

My one year old daughter is behind in her gross motor skills but is doing fantastic with her fine motor skills and verbal. It took me a while to stop comparing and realize that every kid is different. What works for one child, may not work for another.

My daughter hasn't used a bottle since she was 8 months old because she refused it. We struggled with a sippy cup and she is doing very well with it, now. She just started table foods at 12 months of age (cheerios and soft foods around 10 months). If every child were the same, there would be an instruction booklet!

Decide how much you can stand your friend and her advice. It may not be worth a freindship. If you don't feel comfortable with her babysitting (and it sounds like you have reason enough not to), then don't allow it to happen, even when you're in a pinch. Start looking now for another option. You may even want to ask Mamasource for a referral in your area.

Good luck and remember you are your child's protector, no one else can do it better.

Time to get a new friend (just kidding), your son is fine. Babies are all different, which you know. My daughter never held a bottle, but was drinking from a sippy cup by 9 mos. She didn't feed herself until she was over a year. At age 7, she still won't go under water. But she reads at a 3rd grade level. They all have the things they are good at (or not so good at).

I would not ask her to baby sit anymore, she was mean to your son. He is a baby! You are NOT wrong, you are his Mom, you know him better than anyone.

Good luck!

Every baby/Mom is different. At 8 mo. he should be past the "puree" stage, especially with 8 teeth. Cut up nearly all finger foods to small pieces until you see that he is not going to choke on it. He is too old to "only have a bottle" some days & needs more nutrition that just a bottle. If you don't have a pediatrician (not just a family Dr.) to talk to, you should. Also, buy or check out baby help books from the library. Join a MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) or other baby group so that you get opinions & support from other mothers, not just your friend.

Just tell her thanks for the advice and move on. She may not ever get it. You are doing nothing wrong. My seven month old now holds her own bottle while being held or in a carrier bit sitting in her high chair is an issue. My 2 year old was later at doing this and my 8 year old was earlier, Each child is different. My 2 year old did not want chunkier foods until she was closer to a year- she choked, but my seven month ond, who doesn't have teeth, will eat the chunkier purees. Each child is different and you need to do what you feel is best for your baby. You are doing fine.

OMG, please don't listen to her and do not let her babysit! And don't be afraid to tell her why you won't let her babysit either. ALWAYS do what YOUR instincts tell you. Who cares if you child can't hold a bottle. My daughter never held her bottle, therefore she never grew attached to it as a comfort item, so she never ever needed the bottle to fall asleep, and she was off the bottle by 15 months. And yes, we sat and held the bottle for her. Tell your friend it's called bonding - not to mention good parenting.

At 6 months we started giving her a sippy cup mixed with water and a tiny bit of apple juice every day. She learned how to hold the cup - not the bottle - which is how it's supposed to be. At 12 months we started whole milk in those Munchkin straw cups and it worked beautifully. She's now 20 months and drinks 20 ounces of milk in those straw cups every day.

I also worried every single day about my daughter choking so I didn't even attempt finger foods until she was 10 1/2 months. From 6-12 months she had formula and pureed food every day and then I waited until she had her molars before starting any more solids.

Believe me, I have a couple friends, as well as my MIL, who made fun of my so called "paranoia" about choking, but she's my child not theirs and I will raise her the way I feel is best! Good luck!

I wouldn't let her watch your son again, plain and simple. Regardless of what she may think, he is your son, and if she is unwilling to take care of him the way you want, then she doesn't get that privilege. Every baby is different--some are needier than others, and boys often don't develop as quickly as girls. It is unfair, and down right cruel to let him go hungry because she thinks that he should be able to hold a bottle himself. It would take a smaller incident than that for me to back away from a family member. She is overstepping her bounds and being disrespectful of you and your son. I would say that this friend is not worth having under these circumstances, unless she chooses to back off like now. Just think how much more damaging her words and behaviors could be when he is older and can understand what she says.

WOW, I would question how good of a friend she truely is. Not feeding your baby! Nobody should ever treat your baby like that. All little ones will develop at their own pace. Your baby just isn't ready to do all that by himself yet. He will hold his bottle and eat finger food WHEN HE IS READY. Don't rush him, and don't let your "perfect friend" tell you how to raise your little one. Your are his mommy and you will know exactly what he needs and exactly when he needs it. Trust your gut and if your gut tells you to not trust that friend, don't put your baby at risk.

I have two little ones and they develped at such different paces. Then comparing them to my neices and nephews, not a one of them were the same. My one niece didn't walk until she was 16 months old!!! She is now a perfectly beautiful young lady.

Just let your little one be a baby. He will be just fine, with your motherly protection... Just be careful with your friend. Remember to trust your instincts. Sometimes friendships don't always last... Enjoy this time when he still needs you, it changes so fast.

Good luck and you will be just fine.
K.

If her advice is bothering you, maybe just try to seperate yourself from her until you baby is older. She could be meaning well, or she could just be saying things to make her child seem better than yours. Who knows. Your child is not going to die from not eating for a couple hours. My 4 monther refuses the bottle. So the days I go to work, that's 8 or 9 hours. The pediatrician said not to worry. And I have this recollection that 8 months was a couple months before we started finger foods on my oldest. The ped was asking if we were going to start the baby on cereal soon - and he said something to the effect that they don't actually NEED "solid" food until a year. So hey - purees and liquids at 8 months fits my plan! Just don't let her get to you. You sound like you are doing fine.

Not sure I have an answer on how to handle your friend; but as a pediatric physical therapist, I must say that she is right in that your son should PHYSICALLY be able to hold his bottle on his own. I don't agree with how your friend is handling it though! Has he ever held his own bottle? It should have started around 4 months with him grabbing it to bring it to his mouth while you were holding him. Yes, every child develops differently, but that is kind of a key milestone for arm/hand development. The quesion is, is he really physically unable, or is he just "stubborn" (and I mean that in a nice way). I know my daughter started holding her bottle around 4 to 5 months and then stopped--she would grab it, get going and then let go and let me hold it, but she was physically capable. Anyway, like I said--your friend is right about the skill, but not about how to handle it. I would see if you can get a referral for pediatric PT or OT (Occupational Therapy--in pediatrics they look at fine motor skills and "self-help" skills which includes self feeding)--usually county programs have a free evaluation, and maybe/hopefully there is something simple you can do to promote this important self-help skill. Now, if your son is doing everything else he's "supposed" to be doing, your pediatrician may hesitate, but be strong and ask again from a standpoint of even just putting your mind at ease, and if there is an issue (probably very mild, if any), to get some strategies to promote those skills without frustrating your son. Pediatric therapists typically love what they do and have a fun way of approaching it! Good Luck! And again, sorry I don't have a great way on handling your friend!

Hey K.!

You are right about your friend, she isn't giving you advice she is giving you commands. The bad thing about that is that she doesn't sound very smart ... babies aren't lazy. If your child is having trouble holding things at this point, I think you should discuss it with your pediatrician.

There is quite a range within developmental stages, but your pediatrician will be able to give you the best advice for what your child should be doing, on his own, right now. You can discuss fingerfoods as well, then you will really be armed with the knowledge to feed your son and to enlighten your "friend".

God Luck!
D.

PS. I would never let your friend babysit again. She doesn't sound like a very nurturing type, that's what babies need someone to nurture them:)

Do not let her you son again. All children are different. They pick up skills at different ages. If she cannot realize that, then who knows what other things she would subject your baby to. Not feeding him because he will not hold the bottle himself is horrendous! He is only 8 months old.

Please do not leave him with her!

How frustrating! There are always going to be parents out there who want their children to be as independent as possible, as soon as possible. If you ask me, that is because those adults are lazy and want to spend as little time as possible actually caring for their children. It's inconvenient, time-consuming, challenging, etc. Guess what?? That's what parenting is much of the time! Why do these people have children if they aren't willing to put in the effort that is takes to care for them? If your baby needs you to hold his bottle, so what? Babies are little for such a small amount of time. I just don't undertand why some people feel the need to push them into growing up so fast. Babies ARE NOT lazy and will develop naturally, in their own time, as they should. Anyone who calls a child that age "lazy" and refuses to feed a baby who won't "perform" for her, has issues and I would never leave my child alone with her.

My advice is to not have her watch your child anymore. All of the above aside...even if she disagrees with your parenting style, when she watches your baby, she should respect how you want things done and follow your wishes. If she does not feel comfortable doing that, then she should not watch your child. It's not okay for her to impose her parenting style on your baby when she is alone with him.

Be strong for your baby and tell her how you feel right away! Best of luck!

I have a friend who was like that too. Always giving me unwanted advice. She and I have been friends since we were kids so I felt comfortable telling her that what worked for her child is great but may not work for mine.

Your son is not lazy, he may just be developing his dexterity yet. I forget the exact age when they are supposed to do this but I think it is between 6 months to 9 months that they are building their dexterity. Bring it up at your next well check and if your Dr is concerned they will have better advice for you then just make him do it.

Try Gerber Veggie Puffs. They dissolve in the babies mouth and help the hand, mouth coordination. I started both my girls on Puffs when they were 6-8 months old and they both love them. Just start out giving him a couple to see if he'll eat them and then put a couple in front of him and let him do it on his own. If he wants them he'll eat them. You just have to step back and let him take the lead. When I first started I had to do something else to keep myself from "helping" so I put my daughter in her high chair, and put her by the sink while I washed dishes.

He'll get the hang of it sooner then you think. One day he'll just hold the bottle all by himself.

K. -

First on the baby topics you brought up
1. holding the bottle, not every baby does this. My niece never held her bottle until she went to a sippy cup. My daughter is developmentally 6 months and she doesn't do it either (I know that is younger than your son but still).
2. giving finger foods, that is your decision and not anyone elses. I personally gave finger foods once my son was able to chew (or try)because it helped him work on his fine motor skills.

Now in relation to your friend. I agree with you when you say you are worried about having her babysit again, I wouldn't do it. You use your best judgement. I used to have someone always telling me what to do with my son and she also had the hardest time working with him and taking care of him. I think he knew that she was being pushy and she wouldn't do things the way I do. You need to trust your gut and instincts. If they ever say there is a red flag, believe them! Good for you and good luck with your son.

You've had a lot of great responses. Every child is so different. I have 4 (and 1 on the way) and have to say they were all introduced at to pureed food at 4-6 months but not all of them "took" to it at the same time. My 2nd couldn't figure out how to swallow it. After having it literally spit in my face so many times we gave up and introduced soft cut up food. I think you are doing just fine from what you mentioned. Also I think feeding with a bottle should be quality time, just like having a meal.

K.,

I am sorry that you are going through this. I had a lot of friends that had babies around the same time as me. Sometimes it felt as if it were a competition to who's kid was doing what first. Your son is fine! All babies develop at their own pace. Some children excel in one area while another in a different area.

I would just sit your friend down and tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her that it hurts you when she is bossing you around and calling your baby "lazy". You are both first time moms so you are both still learning. Maybe just say that if she doesn't stop, you don't know if your friendship can continue. Hopefully she will realize what she is doing and stop. If not, well, at least you did your best to save the friendship.

Good luck and enjoy your little man - he will be walking and talking before you know it.

Your friend isn't very respectful of the fact that your the parent and she is not. I would find another friend to watch your little one. Rule number one at my house is always, "Momma knows best." I don't always agree, but they aren't my children. I have turned down watching some of my friends kids because the way they parent is so opposite that it would interfere with the way I run my house. It doesn't mean they are wrong or that my way is better. It is a matter of personal preference.

picking up small food items is very good for developing fine motor skills. I can understand that you are afraid of choking. Have you looked at some of the baby treats these days. They just dissolve in the mouth so there isn't such a chance at choking and your little guy can develop those fine motor skills. That may also help with the motor skills needed to hold his bottle.

That sounds so frustrating...

If it were me, I would not let that friend babysit my child again, simply because I'd be afraid she wouldn't really take care of him in a way I am comfortable with.

As far as "advice" from friends (or family for that matter), I always just said "thank you for your concern. I'll look into that." or something similar.

YOU know what is best for your baby. YOU. Not anybody else. If you are concerned about your child's developement, discuss it with a doctor. You can tell your friend you have/will discuss it with the doctor; that usually got people off my back.

Go with your gut, especially when it comes to your child's health, safety, and general well-being.

Seriously??? I'm going to be very blunt here, but you need to rethink your relationship with this woman. Why on earth would you waste your precious time hanging out with someone so bossy? She was babysitting your son and he didn't eat because SHE wasn't going to hold his bottle?!

Listen, babies develop all at their own pace. Yes, by all means, keep working with your son on holding the bottle. Maybe you can try a sippy cup with handles--it may be easier for him. Born Free makes a small sippy cup with fairly large handles.

My son did not start eating finger foods until he was 10 months old.

But that's all besides the point. It is one thing to share and seek advice from a friend, but this lady has crossed the line. YOU are raising YOUR child, not her, and it's not her place to take over and enforce HER rules.

My daughter didn't hold her own bottle until she was almost a year old, and after that went right to a sippy cup at about 13 months.
I would avoid having your friend babysit again and just try to let her "advice" roll off your back. I know it's hard...I get a lot of "advice" from my mother-in-law. ;)
Stay strong and know you're doing a great job!!

Don't listen to your "so called friend" and definitely don't let her watch your baby again. Your baby does not need to hold his own bottle. In fact, I never let my son hold his own. It was then easier to break him from it when he turned 1, because he did not see it as his. When your baby becomes independent enough and able to hold the bottle, you really should begin giving other liquids in a sippy cup. I can't believe that any one would not feed an 8 month old baby because he can't/won't hold his own bottle. What a nut-case!!

Hi.

I am a mother of two girls, ages 6 & 9, & I hate to tell you this, but your friend is right about fingerfoods. Holding his own bottle will come with time, I'm sure; you just need to let him try more often before you help him so his hands & fingers get stronger. If you don't let him eat fingerfoods, he won't be ready to graduate to table foods & he won't get the nutrition he needs to grow & develop properly. The gal that babysits for me has an 18-month old child in this position: the parents didn't introduce fingerfoods often enough & now the only thing he eats is chicken nuggets. He throws everything else on the floor! Good luck to you.

Hi K.,
Your son sounds like he is doing well and is where is is suppose to be. When we had our 3 girls, none of them ever received cereal until 5-6 months as per our Doctor and them around 6-8 months we where introducing vegetables and fruits. I don't think they started on Cherrios or finger foods until closer to a year old. So as you see, you are doing the right thing for your son. I would think twice before I would let your so-called friend to babysit your child unless it was only for 1-2 hours and he has already been fed. Refusing to hold a baby to feed them is neglectant and doesn't show your friend in a good way. I had a similiar situation about someone comparing my child to theirs. Unforunately, my child was more advanced then hers but she would make comments about how my child couldn't do this or that but she wasn't at the age to do this. I figured this person was jealous and this was her way on dealing with her child and her problems. I would ignore the comments. You are doing the right things for your child--remember children progress at different rates. Do what you feel is right or what your doctor says.
Good luck and Merry Christmas.
L.

My guess is she is not your friend. She doesn't respect you at all. She is the myway or the highway type. I would confront her and say something like "good for you I am happy that worked for YOUR child but I am doing things differently -- it is not right or wrong just different and it works for me and my child.
You need to have a real talk with her and tell her that real friends are supportive and not control freaks. She probably does this with other people and in other situations. Do you really need to hang out with this type of person?

Holy Cow! This person is not your friend and obviously doesn't care about your feelings. My baby is 8 months as well and can't reliably hold her own bottle and is not eating anything more solid than chunky baby food. This is even my second baby so I'm not being a crazy first time mother or anything! Babies grow and develop at thier own pace. One thing you can say that might quiet her is, "I have to adhere to the advice I got from my pediatrician." You are the mom and you get to decide. It's not like he will never learn to eat solids.

Sounds like your friend is very opinionated! That in itself is sometimes hard to deal with. Every baby/child is different and learns and grows in their own special way. Even siblings grow up different. I think that sometimes girls mature faster than boys, too. You have to feel comfortable with what you want and how to feed your baby, you know him the best. It seems that some mothers want their babies to grow up so fast. I loved my babies and held their bottles for them as long as I could, they grow up so fast. In a year, it won't matter whether he could hold his bottle at a certain age, or eat the finger foods. You are doing your best! Hang in there!

"Grrr" is what I'm thinking too. It's especially hard when it's a friend because you don't want to hurt her feelings.

Luckily, you do have a bit of ammo when it comes to the bottle holding and the finger foods. As far as holding his own bottle, I believe that kids mature at different rates and from what I've heard, sometimes girls are a little faster at learning things than boys. I wouldn't be surprised if other moms have had the same experiences.

With the finger foods, not everyone believes that kids should even be eating solids by 8 months. (I know, I know....doctors say they can eat solids as early as 4, 5 or 6 months, but I'm not buying it.) I don't think there's a problem with you keeping him on a mostly liquid diet with some solids mixed in between.

You're the best judge of the relationship between you and your friend, so you'll be the one who has to decide whether you can actually confront her and tell her who the mom is in this child's life. Otherwise, it never hurts to casually look for another babysitter. Honestly, if it were my friend acting that way, I wouldn't have her watch my baby again.

All the best!

Every child is different. I would never leave my baby with your friend again... EVER! My son didn't take finger foods until 11 months. I tried to push it earlier because everyone said he "should" be taking them and he almost choked to death. I felt horrible when we later learned that he had dysfunction of sensory integration and was PHYSICALLY UNABLE to handle finger foods until past age one. Even then, as he went through therapy to desensitize his mouth and gag reflex, he lived mainly on baby food and pediasure until age two. He continued to grow normally and stayed within average percentiles. If it concerns you you can always go see someone at the feeding clinic at children's hospital. They are wonderful and by the way, the experts there told me that some kids come in and don't have physical problems like my child did yet still aren't ready for finger foods until about the 1 year mark. If they aren't taking any after that they said it's time for an evaluation.

Don't let her babysit again. She's mean. It sounds like you are doing a fine job. You should be holding your baby while he is eating at his age. Keep up the good mothering. Are you sure you want to be friends with this woman? If you do disregard what she says. You know what is best for your own child. She's no expert. When people gave me unwanted advice I said, "You're probably right," then went about doing what I wanted.

I also have a little one who was born in April. He does not hold his own bottle, nor do I expect him to. If someone refused to hold a bottle for my child while watching him, that would be the last time they watched him. I couldn't believe your posting. We push for children to be independent so early...it's just sad. We miss the times we have to really connect with our kids, and feeding our children is a time to bond as well as meet their nutritional needs. Good luck with your friend. Your child is NOT hers and you should not push him to eat things and do things he is not ready for. You should be taking cues for your child as to what he is ready for. Sounds like that what you are doing. You are NOT wrong.

You say she's a good friend but it sounds like she's not really. If it were me I wouldn't let her babysit anymore and I would not talk parenting with her. When she brings it up change the subject.

As a side note, I don't think it's a problem that he doesn't hold his own bottle as long as he can hold toys and other things. He probably likes the closeness he feels when you feed him. Breastfed babies aren't forced to eat on the floor.

At 8 months he should be getting several solid (pureed) meals a day. He needs more nutritients than what the bottle alone can offer and spoon feedings is an important part of developement. Don't worry about the finger foods too much. By 10 months he should be eating more of these.

Your doctor will give you the best information about caring for your child.
Your "friend" is not being helpful at all. Your priority is your own child, and you should quit listening to what she's telling you. Tell her that you won't be accepting any more comments from her regarding the care of your child.
And don't compare your child with hers. Your doctor will tell you if your baby is developmentally on track.