My best friend's kiddo (8 y/o) is suffering from depression and anxiety (he has ADHD too). She is beside herself. He is such a sweet kid and I think she always just thought he was sensitive and a "worrier" but I don't think she saw this coming. But recently he started voicing some dark thoughts. She is getting him help but I am worried about her. I am there for her, but I don't know what to say or what advice I can give other than to just be there for him, encourage her to keep him talking, spend time with him, etc. Has anyone personally worked through something like this with their child? Can you offer any helpful advice?
His doctor decided that he is probably suffering from anxiety and has medicated him accordingly. My friend's son and my friend are both doing much better!
She should be talking with a therapist too to help her get the coping skills needed to deal with her child's issues.
Have you ever watched the show Parenthood? In the first episode, Max, one of the kids (middle school, maybe?), was diagnosed with Asperger's. The couple was kind of overwhelmed - oh my gosh, our son has Asperger's, how are we going to deal with this? They were trying to explain this to their daughter Haddie, who was in high school, that Max had Asperger's and what this would mean and what they would need to do for them. And she told them that this wasn't news, that Max has always needed special treatment, that they've always had to work around him, and she proceed to give a couple of examples. What was new was that they had a name for it. Now they knew it was Asperger's. Now they could begin to help him. It was like a light-bulb when off in their heads, and they could see hope.
A diagnoses is a good thing. It's saying, "Ok, we know what this is, and we know how to help him." If she is beside herself, is it because she is overwhelmed with the news. But hopefully soon she will see it as a positive. He has a diagnosis, and with a diagnosis comes a whole range of options in working with him. It's not necessarily going to be easy right away, but over time she should have some really good tools to help her son.
You're a great friend to be concerned for the mom. While the son is getting professional help, she, too -- and dad; is he in the picture here? -- need help as well. She must, must, must not try to cope all on her own (and again, neither should dad if he's around). She may be feeling many things herself right now: That she's failed as a mother; that she has let down her son; that this is somehow her fault and something she could have avoided if she'd parented differently, or eaten differently when pregnant....You might be surprised at the things, true or untrue, that parents tell themselves as they beat themselves up over their child's condition.
You can help by listening and especially by being sure she gets breaks from being with her son -- she needs time for herself and is likely to feel she doesn't deserve it, should be watching over him all the time, etc. Arrange for her to do things with you while someone else watches him; does he have any other caregivers? People with whom she will be OK leaving him for a few hours? Or can you babysit while she goes out briefly? She needs to see a movie, go shopping, go to a crafting event if that's her thing -- think about the hobbies she used to like before this illness took over her family, and find ways to make those activities available to her at least occasionally. She needs to be herself, not just her son's mom, to remind her that his illness does not define him, herself, or their family. Help her make that possible.
Also, recognize that you and other friends cannot be her whole support system. She needs to connect with parents who have been through what she is going through. Please hook her up with groups such as the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (adaa.org); the American Psychiatric Association (apa.org), which should be able to connect her with parents' groups, possibly; Freedomfromfear.org; and so on. Most of all, and immediately, she needs to talk to her child's doctors and say she is seeking a parent self-help and support group that meets in her area so she can spend time each week or month getting advice from parents who have children with the same condition as her son.
PLEASE help her locate and attend these groups -- offer to drive her there if you feel she'll balk and not go at the last minute. Or offer to babysit her son for the short time she would be at a support group meeting. Help make it possible for her to go, once she locates a group. I really would start with her son's doctors to connect her. Being with other parents of depressed/anxious kids will help her greatly and she should not put off getting that kind of advice and help!
You need to be happy for her. She's been dealing with this for 8 years without really knowing what she was dealing with or if it was something he would "grow out of" or whether she was always doing the right thing for him or just making the situation worse.
If he has a diagnoses and is getting some help, this is very good news! Now she can finally get some direction on how to help him. Now she has a better idea of how to respond to his needs.
Our little guy has some definite quirks. He has some behaviors that really challenge me, and I'm trying to get some answers. He's gone through a couple of evaluations, but we still don't have any answers. We are hoping to get an appointment with a particular doctor soon, and we do think we are closer to getting some direction. But it's really hard not knowing.
My son does really well most of the time, but he gets really stuborn about some things - who closes the car door, which door to the house we go in, reading books on his brother's bed at bedtime - and he's a "I can do it myself" kid. It's beyond what is typical for a 4 year old. Many moms would tell me to put my foot down and he'll get over it. But adults who have worked with him (teachers, daycare teachers, speech teacher) all have said that this is more than your typical "asserting their independence." I'm always questioning myself. I am enabling him and encouraging this behavior? Is there an approach I could be taking that would guide him towards a more age appropriate way of dealing with things? Am I helping him or just making the situation worse.
It's the not knowing that's really frustrating. Now she knows! She can begin to talk to someone about his behaviors and has someone who has expertise in this area observe her son and help her to understand him and his needs better. She can really begin to focus on what will help her son.
This is a good thing! Remind her of that.
Our oldest has ADHD as well as OCD (a form of anxiety) and depression. It's heartbreaking when your child makes dark comments, like he just wants to die.
That's awesome you care so much about her. I can't think of anyone who was really there for me when things were at their worst, not even my closest friends. Most people just want to ignore brain disorders. You're a great friend for caring.
The best thing you can do is to ask her how her child is doing that day and then listen. It would have been so great to have had someone to just listen on the darkest days. Let her know she can call you anytime if she's feeling bad about everything, but also take the initiative and check in.
That's great that she's getting him help. The right medication can really make a difference. Our son isn't 100 percent "normal" and never will be, but medication can tip the scale in the right direction.
Your friend might look into a support group through NAMI (National Association of Mental Illness). They apparently have support groups specifically for parents and caregivers. It might really help her to know there are other people out there dealing with the same issues.
As far as what you can do, a line I often use with friends who are struggling is "I accidentally made too much of [food]. Can I drop some off for you? And would it work to get the kids together when I stop by, so we can have a chance to catch up?" This is a way to provide concrete support without making people feel bad about accepting it, and all you have to do is double a recipe you would have made anyway. And then, when you get together, just listen. You're not going to be able to solve her problems, but knowing she has a friend who cares will likely make a huge difference for her.
My 9 year old is diagnosed with depression and we are working on a ADHD diagnosis. I would be surprised if others out there were worried about me LOL.
Idk be an ear for her to sound off on :) Don't give unsolicited advice or throw out a bunch of opinions on what she should do :)
There is so much work being done in this area, and people (kids and adults) often have combined diagnoses. I work extensively in this area and I have to say there is a use for medications but also tremendous evidence that specific dietary supplements (especially one that supports brain function with DHA) can help tremendously. They can work together. Proper dietary support (without getting into anything with warning labels) can work alone, or in conjunction with medication if she goes that route. Not all supplements are the same. I had significant depression myself and am now medication-free. Kids often respond even more quickly due to higher absorption rates.
Counseling and medication are needed in this case. This child is obviously going through stuff that they need to work through.
My granddaughter is going through a rough time with a friend that is too obsessed with her and she started cutting herself from all the stress. Kids will hide their feelings from mom and dad as long as they can. They just don't want mom and dad seeing their boo boo's.
Medication can be a great help in this situation too. When a person is feeling all over better they can often discuss and do the work they need to do. Once the journey is done and they are finished dealing with what ever caused the issues they don't need the meds anymore.
Not saying that some people, even kiddo's, won't have to take meds the rest of their lives, just saying that often once the issue is dealt with the depression can go away.
Learning new coping skills and how to handle anxiety with stress management and relaxation often is the way to best get through some issues.
When my MIL died I was depressed and went to a few months of counseling, I also took some antidepressants for those months. It was so much easier to work through the stages of grief with that medication keeping me from bottoming out where I would just sit or lay in bed for days crying, missing her. I didn't need the meds longer than that because I don't have a chemical imbalance in my brain. I had short term depression from an environmental issue.
I would have her find a PANDAS friendly dr. Many doctors do not believe in this disease and it is truer than ever and at 8 her child sounds like mine. There is a great PANDAS Facebook support group but you need to know someone to get on they do t let just anyone since its pretty private matter and its awful. There is a good dr in Lisle Il and another in Wakeshaw, Wis. the best dr is on the east coast named Dr. T. We can't afford to travel there but he does phone consults. We're going to try this guy in Wis first then ill move to dr t. Our pediatrician doesn't believe it till be saw it with my kids but he doesn't know how to treat it. So that's why he suggested riding a specialist but it is so rare no many know. Oh also tell your friend that ssri will and can make the pandas worse. It helped my daughter but made my son 100% worse. Antibiotics r what help them. If the antibiotics ever stop working we will try IVIg but its nice to have my kids back
