Advice for a 1 Year Old & Current Boyfriend

I wish you all the best, since being a single Mom is truly exhausting!

As far as calling him "Daddy" goes, I wouldn't let that happen until you two are married. Even then, if that DID happen, he should formally adopt your son, which would really let him know the level or commitment he has to your son. Unfortunately, boyfriends come and go. Also, as far as Adreon sometimes "wanting" or not "wanting" your BF, one year olds will sometimes want/not want just about anyone. It does sound like they are building a nice relationship, just make sure it doesn't go too far for your son before it goes far enough for you!

Any advice? Yes - take things very very very slowly!!! Your first priority as you already stated is your son --- do everything you can to establish your own, stable, purely independent life for him, first. Not that you have to chase the boyfriend away - but if you know you have your own stable life, then you can avoid worrying about the future because you know you are stable on your own. Then proceed in seeing the boyfriend, don't take things fast at all, and just see if things keep going well over the years. Remember too, your son does not know what he should be doing with relationships, so you can and should set boundaries for him --- don't move in with the boyfriend, have a babysitter when you can to go on dates with the boyfriend, have some dates that are family dates with your son and boyfriend. Over time, you will know - things will either get better and better, or not - but you will be fine and your son will be fine because you have established your life and his independent of the boyfriend. And if they do get better with your boyfriend over time, you will feel more and more comfortable and someday, far in the future, be able to step confidently forward in creating your new family - not a future filled with doubt and confusion, but one established by the test of time. Best of wishes to you!

Hi S..

Although our situations are not exactly the same, I can definitely relate to your concerns.

I was never married to my almost 4 yr old son's father and we are no longer in a relationsip, but he does remain a part of my son's life.

I am now dating another man, and I have the SAME concerns that you have. I worry that somehow, he will let my son down. I worry that he and my son won't have a positive relationship. I worry that if we had another child, would my son somehow feel less a part of our family because he comes from a different father? Will the boyfriend ever REALLY accept the child and love him as his own? Is that even possible? Will we end up breaking up and cause my son to feel deserted by this man? Luckily, so far my guy is proving himself to be right for me and my son. But I continue to have lingering fears that creep in from time to time, but as we spend more and more time together, the fears are becoming less, and I am developing a trust in my guy...

Those are natural concerns - concerns any good mother feels when entering into a relationship that WILL affect their child. As you said, your son will ALWAYS be first in your life and you would do whatever is best for him.

My advice to you is the same as Lori's. This man has to PROVE to you and your son that he is WORTHY of both YOU and YOUR CHILD. And he will have to EARN your son's RESPECT and LOVE. It sounds like he is in the process of doing this already. :) Take things SLOW. Use your HEAD, but trust your HEART.

Hi, S.:

Did you the tell your friend how you are feeling?

That is the first step.

Good luck. D.

You a true trooper I understand were you coming from, your son he is only 1 he will not understand yet on what is going on you still have plenty of time to figure out what you want to do. My advice is you like the guy your with now he is a great person to you and your son that's all you need if he is willing to be apart of your life and your son and take care of both of you you couldn't ask for anything more don't be scared you will not know unless you go for it. Your Ex you did the right thing don't let him try to get involved becauseyour not together anymore it's about you and your son what make's you guys happy your ex already had his chance he will bring you and your son down in the long run if your ex wasn't there before and still isn't then good you don't need that you need someone who can be a real man and step in and take you and your son in and make you all one family. My husband did that with my oldest son my oldest son never did call him daddy because he was already 4 when we got together so you still have time if he does start calling him daddy it's ok because he does need a father figure in his life and as he gets older he will look up to you and your boyfriend for taking care of him. If your son still see's his real father then that's ok too just take it day by day and do what makes you happy.
Thanks

Hi Selena,
I give you a ton of credit for being a successful single Mom and continuing your education so YOU can provide for yourself and you son. I've been married twice and have had a few serious relationships during the 10 years in between them and I have a daughter who is now 18 and a son who is 2. The key is to NEVER completely count on anyone else to support you emotionally or financially. Do everything you can to take care of the 2 of you and if down the road you end up married to this guy then it will be the icing on the cake! He needs to prove to you he is worthy of your wonderful little family and he also needs to earn your son's respect and love, all of which takes time. If over time this relationship doesn't work out then there will be someone else down the road, it just wasn't meant to be.

Looking at a lot of friends in relationships, I think they put way too much importance on the men in their lives and not enough on their children which it doesn't seem you do which is great! Sadly, you can only really count on yourself to truly be there for YOU in this life so keep yourself happy and healthy and financially secure and the rest will fall into place.

Always remember if you are ever in doubt about something or someone, take it slow and don't make any decisions at that point.

Give that precious baby a kiss and a hug, he will be there with unconditional love for you forever!

Good Luck!

Hi S.,

I don't think I could say it any better than Lori did.

Remember, it's a very empowering to know inside that you can CHOOSE a man, not NEED a man.

Continue to develop your life and education so you are always able to take care of yourself and Adreon no matter what life deals you in the future.

As for your question about when Aedreon can call this man "daddy"? That's easy--the same day you call him "husband."

Any man who does not accept you and your son as special gifts is not worth the time of day.

God Bless!

I'm a child of 3 divorces, so I speak from experience - the "serial dating" this is no fun for the kids. You're being SUPER responsible by being aware of the impact this could have on your son's life.

Your boyfriend sounds like a wonderful person. You should tell him everything you've told us - if he is truely serious about you and your son, he will understand. You have to focus on you and your boy first. It's nice to have a boyfriend, but for all of your sakes, you need to be the mom before anything else.

If you don't chose to marry, there are organizations like Big Brothers/Big Sisters that provide male role-models for children without fathers. One of my friends, who is a widow, has gotten a Big Brother for her son and has been very happy with the experience.

Take care of yourself and your son, be honest with your boyfriend about your dreams, goals, etc, for yourself and your son and hopefully it will work out for the best.

Ok, put your self in your boyfriends shoes. What if you were him, and the one in the relationship with him, and he had a 1 yr old? How would you feel? It is very important to be open and honest. I think it is great that you are both in this together for your son. :)
That barrier is a good and bad thing...take it slow