Advice - 3 Year Old Will Use Potty at Home and Every So Often at School

HI, I totally understand where you are coming from. My 3 1/2 year old will go only if we offer her something. Otherwise she would prefer going in a pull up. I have tried almost everything I know to persuade her to go to the potty. Lately I have been taking the pull up off of her and just putting a long shirt on her so if she feels the air she will just run to the potty. If you or anyone has any advice that may give me some insight on what may work with my daughter Please help. I m afraid to put her in school because most wont allow pull ups.

Hello M.,
your daughter is 3. How does getting M&M's relate to overcoming fear in school, of not "making it" into the pre-K room? What does that mean to her? In her world, there is no connection between any of those things with her apparent emotional difficulty. Why isn't the staff helping her? Putting pressure on her is completely insane and will make her be more afraid of growing up. Being punished when you're already feeling bad about peeing on yourself is the worst for this little girl that's trying so hard. She might either be playing around so much that she forgets to go (and the "teachers" could easily help her in those situations by being a little aware of your girl's unique play and interaction style) or is extremely afraid of something (which is easy for any grown-up calling themselves "teachers" to observe - is the bathroom dark, big, is she alone in there or is she being helped), or is simply disgusted with something like smell, feel, stickiness of the toilet itself. Some children are very sensitive to hygiene, especially when their parents are. Do you personally approve of the school, its tone and style towards the children? What kind of feedback do you get about your child other than reports on "accidents"?
In all honesty, the staff should be trained to be much more involved in helping your little one solve her problem instead of treating her as though she is doing something wrong. Transitions can be smooth if there is understanding and love. Children don't function, they experience. Let this be a good one for her. It will be for good, you know. Best wishes, A.

Hey there! I had a very similar situation with my son. He will be 3 in a few weeks. He had been going potty all by himself at home. He wouldn't even tell us he had to go, he would just go and then call for us when he was done. Then he pooped his pants twice in one day at school and it didn't even seem to phase him. So when I picked him up from school that day my son, the provider and myself had a "big boy" discussion with him. We clearly stated that he is a big boy and knows how to use the potty. We explained that he knows that going in his pants is not being a big boy. We explained that if it continues to happen then he will lose privaledge during school time that other children will be able to do. We restated these different points several times to him in a way that he can understand and retain. We asked for his agreeance with each thing. So once we felt he understood I took him home and I told him that he needed to tell his daddy what happened. When he did daddy asked him questions like why? do big boys poop their pants? do you know that you are supposed to go on the potty? you understand that you need to tell someone when you need to go? what is going to happen if you poop your pants again? If he had trouble answering the questions we would help him and then have him say it as well. From that day on he did not have any accidents at school or at home. I think he felt like he was a big boy because we had a "big boy" discussion. We didn't repremand him or make him feel bad. We just explained things and made sure he understood and then when he had to tell daddy he was then taking responsability for his actions.
This may seem like a lot for such a young child but it was so simple and so easy. In the end it was so rewarding as a parent and for my son as well.
We also did the daily rewards for good use of the potty. We still do on occassion like for a day away from home and we are aren't doing lots of arrends and he doesn't have an accident. We just had gotten to the point that we needed to make the achievement bigger in order to be rewarded. Its a great method and it helps the child stay on track. Your daughter will get there!

oh, she's so young!
is it that important that she go to the pre-k room this summer?
i hope the school will be open to being patient and encouraging with her. kids just don't all get this on a nice neat schedule.
i think punishment (and m&ms for that matter) would be counter-productive. patience, patience, and not focusing intently on it. she's busy with other things now, not being defiant or bad. it's not clicking yet. it will happen. try to focus on all the things she's doing well and not hammering on this.
khairete
S.

I would definately reward her daily for staying dry all day at school. A favorite TV show works great on my daughter, but you have to be willing to put up with the tears if she doesn't stay dry. Sounds like you are on the right track. She could be doing for attention at home or even at school. Maybe they should take the same take it or leave it attitude.

Hi M.,

The first thing is, do not make a your child ashame or punish her about the normal functioning of her body.

It appears that the child is being pushed to be an adult before her time.

Relax. Let the school do what they are trained to do. She will learn eventually, in her own time, not yours.

She is still a baby.

You are doing a great job as mother and don't worry, everything is working as it should.

Hope this helps. Love your babies and let their bodies mature as planned. D.

Im sure you will get many responses to this requset. However, I have been in both situations; a mom and a daycare provider. The situation of not being there to see what is going on is a tough one. Children pick up fears of other peoples toilets as they are potty training. Especially, if they see their pee or poo as part of them and are uncomfortable with letting it go in an unfamiliar location. It sounds like you have everything working at home and the problem lies with school. It is a possiblity that the day care provider is not being as patient as you (the parents) are. They could be getting far too upset with the "few" accidents your daughter has had, and albeit very natural to have while potty training. This can cause a child to digress especially at school (since its only at school). It is much different to potty train your own child vs. potty training someone elses; you have more patience with your own. I encourage you to not make her feel bad about the accidents she has at school but to be encouraging when she does.

Hi M.! Potty training can be a frustrating time for all involved.
I would ask the school what their policies and guidelines are. They do have to adhere to certain standards so just ask what those are. One thing to consider is how do they respond to your requests that are feasible and within their standards. Hopefully the school/staff are willing to work with you and you can both work together while she is potty training.
Will they allow her to bring her potty everyday? Will they use the same reinforcements that you implement at home? They may be willing to do this. Are they keeping tabs on how often and when she has accidents? Do the children have their own semi-private toliets? If she is having accidents during nap will they allow to wear pull-ups just during nap time? Are they going in groups to the bathroom? I can remember my daughter not liking to have an audience in the wings.
Potty training is something your daughter needs to gain control over and it will happen. Not letting her view her favorite t.v. program may not give you results. She most likely will not understand your reasoning since it is too far removed from what happened at school and it is a form of punishment. I would not make a big fuss over her having an accident but take a matter-of-fact attitude. She needs to know that she isn't in trouble for having an accident but what has to happen instead, i.e, having her undress/dress herself as much as she is able, bag her own clothes(if at school), etc.
Have patience, it will happen. She does have a couple of months to work on this and who knows by then she may be ready! I would think if she is having occassional accidents by the time frame the school gave you, this should not hold her back from joining the pre-k room if she is ready in every other way.
I wish you all the best!
L.

Hi M.,
Children at this age and even sometimes older have accidents. It is important for her teacher to know that a child learning to potty needs to be reminded to go to the restroom at least every 30 minutes. I was a director for a daycare facility for 7 years prior to semi-retiring. Children get too involved in classroom activities and forget about potty time until it is too late. Talk with the teacher and make sure that she follows through with what you do at home.

God Bless.

I totally get what you are saying. I come form a family of nine and when my little sister wouldn't use the potty because it was not the one at home it was so bad. So we would have to carry that top of the toilet thing. The one that helps fit little kids butts. She was ok about it then. The school thing I would ask if someone to take her every 15 min at lease let her in the bathroom. That way she will get use to being in the bathroom. Personally I wouldn't use the pull ups. Only because I think it confuses the kids. Just send lots and lots of changes of clothes. She might be scared to even say anything. Exspecally if the person you have her with is huffing and puffing about it. It's a prosses and if the school or who ever you have her with is not willing to work with you and her Get her out. You don't want her sef esteam go out the window!!

Contrary to what some others think, I WOULD use punishment on her at this point. This isn't a matter of what she can and can't do anymore, it's a matter of what she is refusing to do. Sometimes you have to hard line it with them. My son was potty trained at 2 1/2 but then regressed after a visit to his dad's house. When he came back he wouldn't go #2 in the toilet, instead he would curl up on the floor and go in his pants. I put up with it through his transition period back into our own routine, but after that when nothing worked I began to punish him. It worked, he started going in the toilet again. The point is, he knew what he was supposed to be doing, he just was refusing to do it for some reason and I had to let him know it was unacceptable. I don't think I was being too harsh either. Kids can lead parents along for years in a battle of wills if it's not nipped in the bud. Everyone in my house was happier once my son was back on track, including him.

You have to figure out what is working at home that isn't working at school. Do they take her at regular 1.5-2hour intervals? Do they give her way too much to drink making it harder for her to hold her urine? Usually kids have more difficulty at home with parents less focused on getting them to do it by a certain timeframe so I'd really look deeper into why she's having more trouble at school. Maybe you or her dad could spend a day at school observing their routine and then make suggestions for the school.

I would not punish her. that will reinforce a power struggle. I wouldn't put her in pull ups unless there is a nap time at school. 3 and 4 yr olds get very busy in their activities and forget that they have to go until it is too late. The school should be taking her every hour until she gets the hang of it (it sounds like she is willing to do this--my daughter was throwing temper tantrums and deliberately peeing in front of the teacher and the toilet--there is a difference between accidents and deliberately going to express anger). Unfortunately, many don't have the staff or are willing to do this. They also should give her the prize right as she goes, she won't remember what it is for at the end of the day. I would ignore her failures and praise her successes. You may want to get to the root of her fear. My daughter was afraid of flushing her pee down, so we didn't flush in front of her. Have an open discussion with the school as to your expectations and what you want them to do. I was frustrated with my 3 yr at school until the school told me they would do whatever I tod them to do, but I have to tell them. Good luck. Once she gets it, it will be done in a day or so. I wouldn't worry to much about June at this point.

Hello M., I think the potty that your daughter uses at home, should be caried to her school. Maybe she is just used to her own little potty. I think that if u take one of the same to her school and something"happens" to her potty, then she will know that she can't use that one any longer and will have to depend on the toilets at school. Hey, give it a try and let me know what's up

I wish I had some really good advice but hang in there it will get better. I too have a 3 1/2 yr old and she will not pee in the potty on a full-time basis. She has been doing the other since she was a year old but I too can not seem to get her interested in fully potty-training. We have tried everything. She will go when I take her but alone she forget's becasue she is playing and for the most part does mind being wet. It is Fustrating but I keep telling myself she will start to go on her own full-time when she's ready. She stay's home with me all day and still no go. My daughter also does not like to use a public bathroom and will hold it for as long as she can, I'm told that will pass. It looks like we are both looking for help but it seems like you little one will get there sooner rather than later. Don't allow school to make her feel bad about wetting herslef, I'm told that just makes it worse and you dont want that after-all she is still little. She'll get there just hang in there and I know it's not easy.

E.
Mommy of Three(3,2,and 6wks)
N.C.

Hi!

I would NOT EVER use punishment on her! Tell the school to use the incentives at the end of each day...this is partly THEIR job, too, NOT just yours since you aren't there. Do NOT allow them to tell you to put her in a pullup! That's going backwards! She's only three, after all. Her fear of public toilets explains a lot (to me, anyway). You MUST be your daughter's advocate...no one else will. Don't be afraid to stand up firmly to the school's staff, OR to find another school! I have learned to follow my "gut" and not be afraid to fire doctors, etc. Sometimes, things just aren't a good match, y'know?

My now 16 yo son was a bedwetter until about four years ago. We tried EVERYthing. Except one. He is missing a hormone and is now on daily medication...no more wet bed! This doesn't mean your daughter has this problem, naturally.

Her fear of public toilets could be the crux of the matter. Take her out to public toilets whenever you are out w/her and make the potty a pleasant experience...go in with her, of course, and help and guide her thru the process. Accompany her to the bathroom at your friends'/neighbors' homes, too. Lots of praise for a job well done, too! Claps, whatever. I don't believe in using candy all the time, but stickers, etc., work, too.

Honestly, some school staff are flat out LAZY. My son was not completely potty trained until he was six! He has a developmental delay. His day care was wonderful and worked with me, not against me. They NEVER suggested putting him back in a pullup! We worked TOGETHER! Also, they had toilets that sat lower to the ground, for the younger kids. At home, I used a small step stool where he could get on the toilet AND rest his feet on the step stool while there, providing some stability. I let his daddy teach him how to do #1 standing up :D We'd float tissues, etc., in the toilet and get him to aim at it and try to hit it :D

I remember as a child being afraid I would fall in; my mom taught me to sit sideways and it worked! Somehow, to me, it felt safer that way.

Good luck and let us know!

Robyn
Westminster, MD