Advice - Livonia, MI

No.. not overprotective.. that movie is SO not appropriate for kids. The humor is definitely meant for adults and some may argue that it's not appropriate for anyone. They put ratings on movies for a reason..

No you are not being overprotective. Adam Sandler isn't appropriate for kids that age. And it screams that the only reason he took them was that HE wanted to see the movie and they're clueless and he just happened to have them with him. Keep a record, D.. Irresponsibility on his part will work for you legally. This isn't monumental, but it just doesn't look good for him to not discern an age appropriate movie and putting his kids welfare first.

You are not over reacting.

I would say NO!! you are not being overly protective... The rating system is for a reason...Adam sandler, while funny to us, is also known for using off language and adult scenes in his movies... Def. things I wouldn't want my kids seeing at that age... Or really even at 13 either...
Tell him you need to have a discussion about future movies and come up with a guide that fits BOTH YOUR beliefs of child rearing... some pg movies are ok, like shrek... Pay attention to the listing after the rating on why its rated like that... Language, nudity, violence and adult contentare definent no no's in my book!!! (especially for 5 and 7...) Kids act out what they see and repeat what they hear....

Your not over reacting. Movies have a rating system for a reason. If its not G my kids don't see it.

Hi D.!

No I don't think your being over protective. I don't think enough parents take the time to make sure their kids are watching age appropriate tv or movies. It seems your ex wanted to see the movie and he wasn't going to let having the boys with him stop him. The philosophy I'm going to do what I want and to &@^$# with what others think. He also could have done it on purpose to push your buttons. Not knowing if the divorce was your idea or his I can't be sure... But I married a man of divorce and let me tell you his ex did things to push my buttons and boy did I push back, lol.

Good Luck,
J. in Macomb

Yes, and no.

While you were together, you had different opinions about what would and would not be good for your kids, yes? Think of a set of parallel railway tracks as having diverged at the point of your separation and now travelling in vastly different directions...

You can't control your ex's choices for your children, anymore than you would accept him controlling yours. Your children will adapt (just as they have at home and the mall and the school and grandma's and the restaurant) to different rules in different places. It will take some time to make it clear which rule applies where, but it will become clear to your kids, and they will continue to thrive, because they know that two people love them, even if it is in very different ways...

Happily, that which is too 'mature' for young minds often passes over their heads unnoticed. They may be uncomfortable about the material and act some of it out, in an effort to understand it... as long as you are there and can contextualize it (yes, that was in the movie... do you think the people in that movie were pretending or being themselves? --style of thing), it will not permanently destroy their little selves...

Personally, I find there to be much to object to in many Disney and animated films... and thought it best to watch alongside my kids, so we could pause and talk about the issues and images they were seeing, and turn it off if it seemed to be a problem for them. Maybe you could get the video when it comes out and talk it through, pausing when it would be a good idea to address an issue?

Restrain yourself from bitter commentary about your sons' father when they are around, even in the privacy of your own head. It will not serve you to create strife in YOUR home, and bitterness leads nowhere else. Let it go, let him go, be done with it and treat him as you would a mildly-handicapped stranger -- don't argue, don't rise to the bait, don't throw bait, don't 'make him wrong'... the truth is what it is, you don't need to do anything but live well to prove it.

I had the same problem with my son's father (who I'm not with anymore). My son is 16 and his dad used to take him to rated r movies since he was like 12 or maybe younger. I was so pissed off and would tell him not to do that...but he didn't listen. As far as your kids go...I hope your ex has more sense than that. I don't know what that movie with Adam Sandler is rated. And as far as your kids ages...I would be less concerned with the 5 yr old than the 7 yr old. I used to let my son watch all kinds of stuff when he was 5 and younger (not everything...but I wasn't as strict) because it didn't affect him as much at that age. When he got a little older...probably like 7ish I started monitoring more. He never even had a clue I got tougher lol. Have you tried talking to your ex? This is a tough one. Good luck!!!

You're going to find you have no control over such things, short of taking him to court which wouldn't hold water unless it was something horrible and then it would cost you a lot. I prayed for my kids a lot during those years and talked to them about what they told me. You don't want to put them in the middle, though, so they feel they have to defend their dad or, worse, hide what they do when they're with him. It is very tempting to play detective but you have to tread lightly. Just keep the communication open with the kids. This is part of the cost of divorce, unfortunately.

I don't think anyone can tell your for sure if you're being over-protective because we all have different parenting styles. Only you can answer that question. How you can handle this in the future is what we can help you with. I would talk to your ex-husband and ask him politely and respectfully if he would be okay with choosing TOGETHER what movies you BOTH feel are appropriate for your boys before EITHER of you go to a movie. I know it's hard to acknowledge your ex-husband as an equal partner in rearing your kiddos, but treating him that way in things like this can make it a whole lot easier to handle.

I'm not sure what that movie is rated, but those rating are made to help parents decide what age kids can see them. I think if it's rate PG-13 then the kids probably shouldn't watch it.

You are not being overprotective, and he may have done it just to manipulate you or get under your skin. Im sure he knows perfectly well what you would find appropriate. I always found a way when watching TV with my kids, to address an issue when I saw it, like the time a Vegas type kickline came on the screen while we were watching a perfectly acceptable (or so I thought) show. I looked at my son sort of surprised and said 'wow, they really need to put on some more clothes'...he laughed and said 'yeah, they do'.

You can't control what your ex does, but you can control how you react to it especially around your kids (just like you did, venting to us...LOL) Even when you are biting your tongue til it bleeds...you are teaching your kids some valuable lessons by being patient and loving them more than you hate your ex. They will figure it all out soon enough...they are smart creatures!

~L.

I check the synopsis of any movie my kids see at pluggedinonline.com, they catch things that just fly right by me. and it's Adam Sandler-'nuff said.

You don't mess with the Zohan-
http://www.pluggedinonline.com/movies/movies/a###-###-###...

My soon-to-be ex does the same thing and sees nothing wrong with it. So talking to him is useless. So, I've changed my strategy and I talk to the kids about what they see. They are similar age group. I think it's important they have a context and understand the images they see. If it's inappropriate, they need to understand why.

If it continues, then you can file a report because if the friend of court will act on anything, it's exposure to inappropriate sexual material.

Ok so here is my thing. I personally am very over protective in some areas not so much in that area. I would be lying to say that I have never turned something off because i have. But I have also found that my kids have watched the darndest of things at their friends houses. (ages 6 and 9). I cant be with them 24/7. They know the difference between fiction and reality. My oldest is a pretty good judge himself on what movies would be crossing the line. I give him rope but he seldom hangs himself with it. But its a matter of preferance if you feel strongly on that than good for you. Lets set that aside one second. I realize you are divorced but doesnt "dad" have a say in what the kids are allowed to do. I dont know how bad your relationship is with him but I do think that you may just want to express your concerns. But you still need to take into account his opinions as well even if you feel his opinions stinks. lol Know what i mean? Wish you the best.

I am the last one to defend an ex husband, however, have you talked to him about it? Maybe just saying something like "Wow the kids loved the movie you took them too. It got ___ to start asking questions about sex, would you mind talking to him? He said that he saw it in the movie and since I haven't seen it yet, I am not sure what he is refering to." Maybe if he has to have "the talk" with a 5 year old it will help him think a little more about what he is taking them to.

I have been through this same type of thing, my ex took my son to see titanic when he was 6... it wasn't any fun to talk to him about suicide. I spoke with my ex about it in front of my son... I know that was a big mistake but he didn't return my calls so I couldn't talk alone. In hind sight, maybe if I would have made him a part of the solution instead of focusing on the problem, things might have gone a lot smoother.

On another note, there are some great books out there on how to deal with difficult divorce situations. "Divorce Poison" is one of them, and there are a lot more, it might be worth a little study so that you can eliminate the tension before it harms your relationship with your kids. Good luck!

D. -
You've already gotten a ton of advice, so you probably don't need any more, but you may want to ask your ex to check out MovieMom.com. It's a website that reviews all types of movies and instead of just giving it a grade, she has the average age that the audience should be. She also talks about what topics to discuss after your kids have seen it. My husband and I have been using this website for years (she used to be through Yahoo) to check if a movie is appropriate or not with my stepson. Perhaps your ex won't comply, but it's possible that he just needs some help when judging what the kids can handle.

Below, I've listed what she says about Zohan. As you can see, it's really not appropriate for your children. As it's already said and done, better to move on to damage control and talk to the kids about it. But good luck with your ex. It's true you can't control him, but hopefully he'll do what's best for the kids.

Audience: Mature High Schooler
MPAA Rating: Rated PG-13 for crude and sexual content throughout, language and nudity
Profanity: Very strong and crude language
Nudity/Sex: Extremely explicit and graphic sexual references and situations for a PG-13, bare bottoms
Alcohol/Drugs: Drinking
Violence/Scariness: Comic violence including terrorist attacks, trained assassins
Diversity Issues: Very politically incorrect humor including ethnic, racial, and gender insults and stereotyping

Hello D. :)
I am also a mother from Peck who has 5 children (3 of them are from my ex's)....so, I know first hand what it is like to deal with the conflicting rules & regulations when rotating from one home to the other. And, not to mention, having to deal with our wonderful "Friend of the Court" ....uugghh!
I'm not familiar with the movie that you mentioned, but I do know that you cannot control what your ex-husband does on his time with the children (believe me....I've tried HARD to fight this through the court system...to no avail!). The only thing you CAN do is to try to establish proper etiquette, guidelines, morals, manners, and stability in your children while they are in YOUR care. I am seeing now, as my children are somewhat older (one whom just graduated as Salutatorian of her class this year) that they will be able to distinguish the the upbringing from one parent to the other. I actually have one child who does not even care to see her father anymore (she's 15 now and her dad lives just in Yale...so sad), but it is because she can make her own decisions now, sees through all of her father's lies & deceit, and chooses to not spend time to him now.
If you ever need to talk to another sympathetic mother, I am always available. Please feel free to contact me anytime!!!
Good luck!
S.
:)

you can email me at: ____@____.com
or visit my site at: www.myspace.com/abusedchildren

No I don't think so. Men just don't think sometimes. My husband let my 3 year old watch spiderman which is PG-13, when I was gone, now 5 he is hooked and has repeated a few swear words along the way. LOL

i personally don't think so. kids mimic what they see, so (i haven't seen the movie) if there's any violence, like fighting, kicking, punching or bad language they might think it's cool and funny. more importantly, i think, is that you and your hubby are on the same page. if dad lets them do something mom won't, they'll obviously look to dad for things and not respect either of you the way they should. kids crave structure, and if you and he are taking 2 different approaches, then that's confusing to them and might result in disciplinary problems. so, nip it in the bud before it gets out of hand! good luck talking to your hubby!

Hi D.. You're not being overprotective. Kids grow up fast enough these days. PG-13 movies are not appropriate for children ages 5 and 7. Heck, half the time they don't seem appropriate for kids ages 13 and up. Trying to deal with an issue like this with an ex is not an easy one. I wish I had some advice on how to do that. Maybe others can help you out there. In the meantime best of luck to you and your children and keep doing the best you can to help keep the 'innocence' in their eyes.

I think Linda summed it up very well.

I would like to also add my two cents...
Many Disney movies are PG and you could certainly make the argument that there is questionable material included there as well. Have you actually watched some of the children's cartoons that are on regualr TV ALL DAY EVERY DAY! Ugh! I have not seen the movie, but I would venture to guess that most of the adult humor flew way over their heads anyway. Sadly, most of what they could have picked up will quickly pale in comparison to what they will be exposed to in one day at school. There is an innocense lost in today's world and it is what it is. Our responsibility as parents is changing. No longer is it enough to shelter our children and hide them from what could be. We need to be proactive and discuss openly and honeslty what we see and hear.
Sorry - off on a little tangent there.
Back to the point...

My observation is this: In your "about me" you mention that you are newly divorced and are constantly harassed by your ex. Already I know you are unhappy with the situation, but I know nothing about YOU!

Ask yourself a couple of questions...
Are you mad about this one particular incident or is it one more thing on a long list of things that your ex did (or does)? Could you find fault in almost everything he does just because it's him? Are you careful not to let anger or bitterness show in front of your children?
Let's face it - divorce is ugly no matter how you look at it. I believe that you could obsess about every little detail and make an involuntary decision to never move on or let go of the power he has to annoy you OR you could take care of yourself, first and foremost, and as a result be free to live your life and raise your children on your terms. Be open and honest and teach values that are important to you. Be grateful for the things that you have and the times that you share. Your children will be loved, nurtured and supported and, as a result, will be capable of making smart decisions for themselves (even if Adam Sandler says differently).

You are right there sister. Keep your momma signal strong and keep fighting for what you think is right. Thats an adult movie and as funny as they are, they are not at all appropriate for kids.

Hi D.~ I have dealt with my ex allowing our 2 girls to watch inappropriate movies as well. There is a reason movies are rated the way they are, and a lot of the "apropriate" kids ones nowadays have plenty of stuff in them that I would rather not have my kids see or repeat! But I know I can't protect them from everything, and can tell them how I feel about the things that are wrong. My husband and I do not like to tell my ex what to do because he is the kids' dad after all, even though we wish some things were different. But when my kids come home repeating things from a specific movie they shouldn't have seen or wake up with nightmares from a movie they have seen at Daddy's- as parents,we feel it's our place to say something. For us, it got to the point that we had to say to my ex that if they come home talking about or having a nightmare from one more inapropriate movie they have seen over there, something will have to be done with the custody or times they are there or something. It has been a few months now since then, and it so far things have been better. (now my 7 year old step-daughter came here the other day talking about a PG-13 movie she saw in the theater with her mom and her mom's boyfriend...)Yikes!
Anyway- GO WITH YOUR GUT. You are completely right to be concerned and SHOULD say something to your ex. You are thier mom, and even though they were in his care, it's OK to say something. You are dealing with the well-being of your kids. Period. Stay strong, and good luck! God bless!

I do not think you are being overprotective.

I have not seen the movie, and we are currently not living in the states...so I haven't seen any previews. However, Adam Sandler tends to make movies with more adult overtones. In addition, it is my personal opinion that children these days are exposed to WAY too much too early. They are growing up too fast. Why we want to expose them to these things so early is beyond me. They should stay children as long as they are children. 5 and 7 are STILL children!

I'm sorry you are having so much trouble with your ex. I would let him know you do not approve of anything that is above a G rating. In addition, I would sit down with your children and talk with them. Let them know that you prefer them to not see things that are not G rated because it is not appropriate for children. Encourage them to speak up and tell their father they are not comfortable doing something they know you would not like, but if it happens that they should be honest with you. If they are exposed to things like this they will have questions. It is better to keep an open dialog with your children so they will come to you with their questions.

You are not being overprotective. Not at all.

No you are not being over protective but there is nothing you can do about what your ex does when there with him they probally won't even remember the movie so don't stress about it!

Well, I googled the movie and looks like it is rated PG13 and seems to me ratings these days are pretty right on that they should be 13 or pretty close to it. I would settled upon a rating that you agree that they can see no matter who they are with, dad or friends and possibly consequences if rule is broken. I think video games are just as bad and rates should be taken seriously as well. What they watch effects what they think about and therefore how they behave, in my opinyon. It is our job to protect them.

K.

1st of all I don't think you're being overprotective. There's a reason they put ratings on movies and sometimes I think they're a bit liberal with the ratings. I don't recall what the rating was for that particular movie but with the previews I have seen I don't want my 9 year-old to see it. A suggestion, set your boundaries now, and make sure your children understand them, you cannot control what happens with your ex, but if you let your children know of your disapproval, without bad mouthing your ex, eventually they'll say they're not interested Or they'll at least tell you what's going on and you can review the situation with them to help them make good choices.
My ex when we first separated harassed me right out of a job, so I can relate!
Good luck with your boundaries! And if you ever need to talk just drop me an email.
L.

Good luck on this! I am recently divorced with 4 boys (11, 9, 7, & 5) whose father has let them watch Mortal Kombat and other PG-13 and R movies and video games. One of my sons got mad at his brother, grabbed a knife and chased his brother around the house (dad has anger-management issues, almost killed me 6 years ago, and had other problems too; divorce process took over a year to amount to a legal separation) after watching Mortal Kombat! The boys all swear now (dad swears, not I), and have so many issues that friends and family refuse to come over until these boys are "less wild." Stand your ground with their dad; go see the movie, then write Friend of the court's Parenting division about movie's topics and how it had affected your children; Maybe before giving it to the court you could inform your ex that you will write an informative letter to the court if he takes the children to see an inappropriate movie again.

Good luck! Email me if you need to!

Absolutely NOT!!

Anything by Adam Sandler is definitely not intended for children.

I went to see that movie on Friday and it is so not a kid friendly movie. I don't think that your overreacting. There are alot of "butt shots", references to his private area and scenes where it was odvious that he was having sex. He should have taken them to see Ku-fu Panda that movie was great, my 3 girls loved it....

I haven't seen the previews but probably not. If it has adult humor and situations that the children wouldn't understand, I don't think it would be appropriate at 5 and 7.