Advice - Denver,CO

It sounds to me like the other mom just has some serious problems. Remember that hurting people hurt people. She's got a lot of unresolved pain that she doesn't know what to do with in an adult way. That being said, none of that is your problem - you have no responsibility for it. I think you've handled things appropriately and if she continues with this behavior, you shouldn't deal with her. The problem is that you will be forced to deal with her at PTA and because of your kids. I have found that the best way to deal with people like this, when I am forced into situations with them is to avoid contact when possible and when it is none obviously rude. If contact is unavoidable, I just say "Hello, how are you?" in a very pleasant way and then find the first opportunity to move on. I do not engage in any kind of conversation. I am always pleasant - never showing my displeasure. Beyond that I just put her out of my thoughts & refuse to give any more energy to her or to the situation. I think the advice you have been given in dealing with your boys is good. You can invite them, and if the mom makes it hard, you just explain to your kids that you have invited them, but for some reason they are not able to accept your invitation and you don't know why. I wouldn't discuss her with anyone else - if you need to vent, choose one friend completely removed from the situation. And then just try not to worry about what she is thinking or saying about you. What someone like this thinks or says about you is irrelevant. If someone tells you what she's saying, just respond with, "It's really too bad she feels that way." And move on. Good luck!

WOW that is a lot! I think if she really was truly sorry she would have gotten past it. My thinking is she is mortified by her behavior and it is easier for her to somehow blame you instead of facing up to the fact she acted inappropriate. She was caught being irresponsible and even though she sent an email apologizing she probably is very ashamed, or at least should be.
I say ignore her. It is very sad she is involving her children. You cannot make her change how she is though and she may be sitting in judgement of you so you don't judge her. I think when parents make things harder on kids it makes them even seem more foolish. The best thing you can do is hold your head up as you did nothing wrong but defend yourself when she got out of hand. She cannot handle that as a lot of people cannot.

Just ignore her, if your children ask what is up, say "I am not really sure why their mom is making these choices for them, however she is their mom so I really have no control over that" and nothing more. Go about your business and do nothing. Sounds simple, it won't be I am sure. You just remind yourself you did nothing wrong. You just spoke up and she is chastizing you for that. You cannot control her or her thoughts. She will look like the jerk all herself and you needn't get any further involved nor are you expected to go out of your way to be nice but don't be rude either. Always take the high road if given that opportunity, she will continue as she is probably but that way you know you did your best.

Dear D., Other readers will flame at me for saying this, so here goes. From a lot of personal experience and knowledge in the areas of sociology and psychology, I believe that you are dealing with a mentally ill alcoholic.

People on their best behavior with a new group of people do not get "totally intoxicated". Alcoholics who can't control themselves get "totally intoxicated". I think she was also probably drunk when she sent you the nasty email.

And since she's also vindictive re: the kids when she's sober, that indicates a personality disorder -- we agree that it's not normal! There's literally no point in discussing this with her. She will not believe there's anything wrong with her, and you will become more of a target in her mind -- she may then badmouth you terribly with others.

My mother had these exact traits, plus others. Wheee!

I recommend avoiding her, and unfortunately, her children. These people can be efficient workaholics when sober, though, so her PTA contributions could potentially be top-notch. (This is where people are going to hate me.) Warped parents teach their kids warped stuff. The kids can't help it -- they're not being taught proper behavior & lifestyle. They will learn from her, and if they're fortunate, they will sort it out as adults and fix the problems that were created as children.

Readers -- don't send me nasty e-mails. If you think I'm completely out of line, print this out and run it by a psychologist to get a second opinion. The world is not as rosy as we'd like it to be.

It sounds like she is not a mature person so I'm not sure what you have to do at all. Ignore her. It's been over a year according to your message. If your concern is the children, invite them to play at your house. If the mom refuses, there is nothing you can do. If your kids like the other kids, let them play at school, and leave it at that. Explain to your kids that that's the way things have to be. There is absolutely nothing you can do to make things better if the other mom isn't capable of working things out. So just move on and forget them.

Wow, I have to say that I'm very surprised by the responses you've gotten so far. A few of them suggested telling your child lies (umm, you DO know why she's so nasty, why lie?) but most of them suggest turning the other cheek. I guess I'm wondering why nobody suggested standing up for yourself? The next time you find out from someone that she's trying to be petty about you/your kids, announce loudly (in the crowd of PTA moms) 'Wow, is it true that you're trying to advoid having our kids be in the same place? I thought you were over being embarrased by your behavior and were ready to be civil now.'
The thing about women (and men) like that is that no one ever calls them on their behavior. If nobody ever tells them that they're over the line, why should they stop? Obviously you've tried turning the other cheek (and tried to be the better person) but she's gone into the realm of 'bully' - why not deal with her as such? I'm not saying to be mean or spread gossip, but be assertive & calm while calling attention to her behavior.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck!

Hi D.,
wow, this person sounds messed up and immature! There was a woman at my kids school I tried to befriend. our kids were the same age but luckily never socialized outside of school. I felt like she snubbed me and I still see her in my neighborhood often on walks, I ignore her! This is hard for me because I am normally very friendly! So as far as the other parents and for show don't do it! You don't have to be friendly or rude either, just neutral. Be careful, immature unhealthy people can be dangerous ( I don't mean like violent but by saying bad thing's and being manipulative) And if the kids relationship continues or not ( which might be better if it didn't, imagine what kind of mother she is!) let them figure it out! I hope this helps!

It seems like she is just using you. I would seriously consider if it's healthy for your kids to play with yours. You tried to be friends but it didn't seem to work. Your kids can still be friends without you being friends.

You are obviously dealing with a woman who has mental illness, alcoholism, or both. It is a shame that she is being so rude and is keeping your kids apart but I don't see what you could possibly do to change her attitude. Continue to be nothing but polite to her when you have to see her, be as kind as you can to her kids and don't exclude them. Invite her kids to playdates and if she tells them that they can't go just be ready to accept that. Explain to your daughter that you would love to have her friend over to play but that for whatever reason her mom won't let her, so the girls will just have to be "school friends" unless and until the other girl's mom changes her mind. Hopefully if you continue to be nice then she will start to be nice too, but that may never happen. You can also encourage your daughter to invite other friends over, she shouldn't abandon her BF but that doesn't mean that she can't have other friends too.

D. A,
Sounds like you have tried many tatics to get the situation resolved and they have not worked. Personally, I believe the only other approach left is to go to her say, you know, we are being silly here. I forgive the behavior I saw due to the fact alcohol was a part of the situation and we all know how it messes with our judgements. I don't have any hard feelings and would like us to be adults about this matter and let the hard feelings go. We owe that to our kids, don't we? My guess is that if you approach it civily, with a kind and forgiving heart that she will see that you are putting your childs needs before your own and probably follow suit.

MY daughter i thought had milk allegies but now she can drink organic milk.

The only advice I have is regarding the kids. Several people have said that people like this are likely to raise kids who are the same, and that you should think about if you want your child playing with hers. I agree that you should be careful and for sure not let your child go to her house (although that doesn't sound like a likelyhood anyway).
But I think you also have a potential to be a good influence on her child. It's true that children in these unhealthy homes often grow up to have a similar lifestyle. But it's not a predetermined fact. There can be mitigating influences, such as another adult who shows them healthy habits. That could be you. So don't give up on the friend. Participate in the school activities. Invite the child to things. Just be matter of fact about it, and act like there's nothing wrong. In fact, be surprised when you are told no, like you completely expected the offer to be accepted. But don't be mean. Just keep asking. And maybe a "oh, how come?" once in a while. Be and adult through this other mother's childishness. Even seeing you interact with his (her?) mother can help impact this child's life.
No, it's not your job to be a hero and ride in to save this child. But it may be that you are in this situation at this place and time to be a positive person in the child's life. Sometimes it just takes one positive adult to break the negative cycle.

D.,

It has been my experience that when I am embarassed about past behavior, it affects my ability to relate to the person that I have treated poorly. Such is probably the case with this mother.

I believe it goes a lot deeper than simply wanting a "good show". There is a need inside of her to get past the past. This is probably the most challenging thing for her to face.

My guess is that she has a deep longing to being in the type of relationship that you have with your husband. Everytime she acknowledges that desire she feels guilty and it is a challenge for her to connect with you.

Perhaps it is asking too much, but what would life be like if you could truly put yourself in her shoes for just a moment. I believe that is the only time I can even pretend to judge another's behavior.

I honor you for wanting to be honest with everyone about this relationship. My question is: Are you really clear what it is yourself?

With my whole heart, C.

Owner of Loving Connections LLC
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