Adult Friendships - Whittier,CA

I have pondered this question many, many times! I believe it is because for one thing, when we become adults, we have standards that we hold people accountable to. As a child, we really don't have any standards...just be nice to me and all is okay. As adults, we know that being lied to is going to negatively affect the friendship, there are some who are exaggerators who embellish everything they say (and we don't like that!), and we don't like certain personality traits. I consider myself a friendly person. I would not say I am overly outgoing but once you get to know me, I can really talk! I can really open up to someone once conversation is well established. It has been very hard to make friends as an adult.

The closer I let people in, the more apt I am to get hurt. So, I tend to be a loner to avoid that routine.

I found myself in a similar situation when I first got married. I moved in with my husband whose house was over an hour drive from all my friends. I struggled to find friends in my new town. It seemed everyone knew everyone since high school and I felt like such an outsider. By the time my daughter reached preschool I made up my mind to get connected and to go outside my comfort zone. I joined two Mom's groups and started hosting playdates like crazy. I started a Wine and Scrabble Night. I host a movie night where the kids watch a movie and the parents hang out in another room and catch up. I became more involved in my church. It took
about another half a year, but eventually I developed some true
friendships. I recommend just reaching out and not giving up. I am so glad I did. It means hosting for awhile but it really paid off. Blessings!

I have to agree w/ Suz. I'm 40, but for as long as I can remember, I'd rather be home w/ my kids and husband than out spending money w/ friends doing something I don't really want to do. I have anxiety issues, so don't like going out w/ people I don't really know. I have a friend who is younger than me, goes out every week w/ her friends and would always ask if I'd come. She's married and has kids and for a long time, did not work. So she just did not understand that I work 60+ hours a week and have 2 kids in sports almost year round, so when I DO get free time, I want to rest! She actually told me I was constantly blowing her off and not making time for HER! Even though we talked almost every D.!

And now she's working and barely has time to text me...hmmmm. Anyway, if "friendship" is that much work, it's not worth it to me. I work hard at being a mom, a wife and at my job. I should be able to know my friends are there for me no matter what, and that we don't have to talk or see each other all the time. THAT is what a true friendship at this age means to me.

I make meals for friends in need, I will listen anytime one needs to talk, I'll even try to get a coffee once in awhile, but that's rare because I really am running all the time!

You need to find friends who have the same social and active personality as you. And for those friends who are happier just to be an emotionally supportive friend, be happy you have someone to talk to! :)

people wear me out.
it's all i can do to nurture and sustain the (wonderful) friendships i have, and i don't do a good enough job at that. i seem to be more of a passive friend<G>.
i think that as we age we get more introspective anyway. it's just way more important for me now, at 53, to carve out solitary time than to do girl stuff.
i wonder if that will shift when i hit my 60s?
:) khairete
S.

I would first evaluate what you are really looking for. I always feel like I should have more friends, there are always reports on how important this is and how you live longer, etc. But every time I am away from home with friends, all I think about is how I'd rather be home. Just the other D. was at my daughter's basketball game, a nice lady sat next to me and was talking with me. It drove me crazy and I kept thinking "this is supposed to make me live longer?".

So just making sure that you WANT friends and are happy when you're with others, and not just feeling that you NEED friends. But I'll assume that you want friends since you posted.

When you are younger, college age, life is more about having fun and thinking ahead. And mostly, you are not rooted anywhere yet. I think sometimes when you are in a community, it's great to have roots, but it's hard to be vulnerable. There are lots of ladies I like, but I also know that I will see them for years to come and also that they know lots of other people I know, hubbies talk etc. So I feel like if I were to share something about myself or my marriage, it could easily get around (not like there's anything dark or scandalous, just personal!). How can I complain about my husband if I know that later in the week, this lady's husband will be playing softball with mine? See what I mean, I wonder if some people around you just fear getting too close because of the possible consequences.

Perhaps find a book club or other common interest group and develop some relationships that way. But also maybe shift your expectations. As we get older, it seems harder to put everything all out there. Know that many women will value your friendship, but it won't always look as it did when we were younger. I've been much happier since I did this. I realize that I do like to have friends in my life, but more at arm's length. But your post makes me realize I need to let them know that it may not always seem so, but they do mean a lot to me. Good luck to you!

I'm 43, and the thing that has helped me is to hone in on the one or two topics that I'm extremely passionate about - and get involved in those communities.

I don't always have things in common with fellow moms in the same stage of life as me. I'm relatively young with one adult child, and one rapidly headed that direction.

Just focus on what you have to give to your community, and the other things will fall into place.

RC, perhaps it would help if you sought out some counseling. I don't mean that something is wrong with you. I do think that perhaps it might help you to talk it through with someone who could give you an honest assessment of how you come across.

Many years ago my husband's office brought in an expert to help the employees see themselves as others saw them. They chose some kind of exercise and videotaped each employee. Then they played back the video to each person to work with them on how to do a better job. When one man saw his video, he cried. He had no idea how he presented himself to others. It was hard on him, but they worked with him for a while (the company took care of the expense) and it really helped him.

This is different than what you are talking about, obviously, but I think that you could possibly use it as a springboard in talking to a counselor about ways to help you be more successful in reaching out to others.

Knowing WHO to reach out to and who not to is half the battle. I do still have college friends who I'm close to, but they live far away and we don't see each other often. Outside of college friends, I have lived in many different places, and wherever I live, I try to meet new people. Some "friends" stick and some don't. Sometimes it is me who drops out and sometimes it's them. The old adage "Make new friends and keep the old ones - one is silver and the other gold" is something I work hard to do. Even on the other side of the world we are able to keep our friendships alive and that means a great deal to me.

The thing that I have found that works is to show my friends that I care about them. Paying attention to what is going on with them, remembering what they've told me before (harder now that I'm older, ha ha!) so that I don't appear to be clueless, being able to listen and be empathetic helps. Certain personality types appeal to me over others, but I do have different types of friends. It's just that those who are outgoing are easier for me to stay friends with. It's like we feed off of each other's energy.

I think that trying to think positively makes a big difference too. Negative thinking comes across loud and clear, and that makes people uncomfortable. Trying hard to be positive makes it easier to have friends. Not being critical of friends, picking on every little thing they do because I wouldn't do something the way they do, also helps. I know people who find fault with everyone around them. It's amazing to me that they have ANY friends, thinking that poorly of people they claim to like.

The last thing that I would offer is to try to find the BEST in yourself and have confidence in it. People like being around a confident person. That helps make and keep friends.

Don't give up - just try to find someone to help you find a new way to approach it. Unless you actually LIKE being alone, you shouldn't settle for it.

D.

You are right, the same strategies you used in college don't work when you get older. You have to try new things: take a class, go to church, join a gym. And then make yourself talk to people. And then make time to pursue the relationship. But first you have to come up with a plan to meet other women.

It's a numbers game. Because even tho some women don't want to reach out to friendship possibilities after college age, there are plenty of us who do. You just have to persist til you find eachother.

You know, it is true... so many of us have our own stuff going on. If we are working moms, we want to be home with our kids in the evenings and on the weekends. If we are caring for elders, it can be hard to find caregivers to fill in. If we are stay at home parents-- like I am, so I'll speak for myself- I'm exhausted at night and would usually prefer to be home.

For me, new friends requires making an effort. Sometimes, I don't really want to make that effort. I'm fairly introverted, and while I can pass for extroverted for short periods of time, but group gatherings and making the effort to cultivate a new friendship... all of this wears me out. So, I usually stick with my tried and true friends. With them, we can easily pick up where we left off. I also have to say that most of those friendships, save one, have had at least 10+ years of investment in them before I had my son, so those bonds were pretty strong already. I've only really bonded with two women as mothers, and those relationships also required a common narrative we could come back to so that we are invested in getting together.

Being in my early forties, I think I am more curious about other people than I was before, and forums like this certainly give me a glimpse into other people's perceptions. I agree with others who suggest focusing on something you enjoy or are passionate about. I worked with kids for a long time before having my son, so I keep up a blog on parenting which I find fulfilling. I believe kids need a good start at school, so I've been volunteering at my son's school library and am working on a project there.

All that to say-- many parents find their lives pretty filled up. I would encourage you to find common ground activities if you are wanting to reach out. If you are a person of faith, consider finding community in a church or other house of worship. If you like hiking, find a group to go with... that sort of thing. No guarantees, and even if you don't make new friends, you'll be around new people (which is stimulating) and doing something that matters to you. Good luck!

There will always be one or two friends that you will keep from college the rest go their separate ways. You don't have t go to college to have this happen it just seems to be part of life. friends come and go a lot like the weather -- some stick and others fall away.

Try a hobby or a class and see if you can make a few mutual friends that way.

Everyone has their beat but it is at a different time for many and many at your age have been "sandwiched" in between generations and don't have the time they would like to nurture friendships. Many may have health issues that make it difficult as well.

It is hard to be a party of one but it is doable. Enjoy the solitude and explore nature by sitting on a bench in the park and listening to the wind blow through the tree limbs.

Be positive and know that there are people out there it may just take a bit more time to find them.

The other S.

In general, I do not get along with other women, that makes it hard to keep friends when you do not understand why they do half of what they do.

I welcome new people into other areas of my life, and then I might pull some friends from those areas, if it's an effortless transition. I am not looking for new friends, though. I don't feel like courting new people to whom I need to explain my "stuff" and walk on egg shells until they understand my language. I like talking to people who already get me, so that I can keep it moving. That's me as an adult.

HEre is an article that I saved on this subject that you might like.
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fashion/the-challenge-o...;

wow i do all those things and yet i still have a circle of friends that we have been close to since all our boys were in preschool together 6 years ago. and i do have one very good friend. we do alot together with our boys and yet we enjoy doing stuff together without the kids!! but we have church, pto, a few committees and our kids in common.