I need some words to gracefully tell my 44 yr. old step-son that he needs to move out. He and his 15 yr. old son moved in with me and my 65 yr. old husband Dec. 1, 2007. Step-son has not worked and plays on the computer from 5 AM till he goes to bed at night. He has not contributed financially in any way, while we are going deeper in debt keeping them. We have told him he needs to contribute but nothing. It is extremely stressful here.
Thank you to everyone for the wonderful responses. I finally had enough when we got an $800 telephone bill yesterday. I first, asked if he could contribute to paying the bill. When he said he didn't have any money, I calmly told him he needs to leave and get a place of his own and take care of his own responsibilities. He got extremely angry and yelled at me and my husband for hours. Yelling, Tears and much discussion later... the bottom line is he is leaving today. Now we pray for family healing.
Thank you to everyone.
L....relax. I have family members that have done the same, and I could not tolerate it anymore. I posted an eviction notice on their bedroom door. I gave them 30 days to ship up or ship out. Whether he is being "motivated or moved", he will have to realize that he needs to do something or lose it all. I hope things get better soon. HUG
Last year my father moved in with us after his eviction. He stayed with us for 9 months and he never paid a bill nor worked a regular schedule. He did help clean and cook etc but wasn't contributing financially and he was always criticizing my cooking etc. I began to have anxiety attacks in the middle of the night that would last for hours and I would remember things as a child that I have gratefully forgotten all these years. Long story short, my husband finally told him he needed to leave. It was too much stress here at our house and our 2 young girls were being affected as well. With YOUR husband being ill, you need to tell your step son he needs to leave. He is taking advantage of you and it is wrong. Yes it will be difficult at first, it was for me. But as long as you enable him, he will continue to do this and the 15 year old is being taught nothing about responsibility. Best wishes and good luck, you just need to have the strength to tell your step son he needs to move on. He's 44!!!
Good luck,
B. Bell
I reread your posting because some readers thought it was the 15-yo son that played on the computer all day. I believe you wrote that it's the 44-year old stepson. I think the advice about posting an eviction notice on their door (giving 15-30 days) is the best advice. I also agree that you should stop buying any food except what you and your husband eat. The 44 year old and 15 year old will not starve, trust me. Are either one of them handicapped? That's almost six months without employment. Once you inform them of the eviction notice, be prepared for grief. Stand firm. Enlist the help of his siblings or other relatives if you have to. I'm sure you need the internet for your home business, so cutting off that would not be feasible. However, I'm sure there are things you can cut off during the "notice time". Good luck
The message to move out should probably come from your husband since he is the father. If he is too ill to tell him, then I would try helping him find another place to live. Another option would be to get one of your other children to help you by telling him that he needs to move out. There is probably legal action that you could take if it comes to that.
I am not sure you need to worry about the graceful part of telling your adult son to leave. Just be frank - and tell him he must leave and you give him exactly 2 weeks to find an apartment and move out, it is time he made his own life and it is up to him how successful that life will be. If you have to pack up his stuff and send him on his way. it is amazing what people will actually accomplish when they are forced to. This is your home - pack up the computer until the 15 year old gets a job for the summer. I know this being a step-son is a little harder, but it is your home and your life as well. Tell him he is welcome to visit like the other adult children - but he can no longer live with the two of you. This is a tough situation - but you must protect yourself and your husband. have you talked to his siblings -- they can be effective help for you maybe have them come to the home and tell him they are backing you up. Sometimes we have to do hard things - but it can turn out alright. Good luck - and don't be afraid to rock the boat a little.
Start giving him bills for rent, food, utilities, laundry (or whatever other services you do for him). That should give him the hint that **SOMEONE** has to pay for it, and that you and your husband are on limited income and that they are adding to **YOUR** bills.
Give him a 15-30 day deadline and tell him he has to go. Why is it people think they can live somewhere for free. Parents should not have to take care of there grown children. If your son has custody of his child surely he is getting child support from the mother. If not, he needs to request some. There are plenty of summer jobs your grand son could do. Mow lawns, apply at HEB or a rec center. I bet if you stopped buying grocery there would be some changes (that is extereme), but food , water, shelter all of that cost. SET SOME LIMITATIONS. NO COMPUTER ALL DAY (HE IS NOT PAYING BILLS.)
I know it sounds like I am ranting, but I hate to see children try and use the parents for there own gain. That is WRONG.
It seems I am always having someone moving in or wanting to move in with me. All my generosity that I've provided over the years have now put me in a lot of debt and guess what.....I don't think it helped them at all. I recommend setting a date of move out or rent payment and STICK TO IT!
I know it is hard because he has a 15 year old, but you can always state that the 15 year old is welcome to stay as long as he follows rules of attending/finishing school, attending church, etc. and upon graduation moves out. You have to be stern, but in the long run, everyone benefits. Your step-son may be having depression and staying at home with no goals, no responsibilities, no interaction with peers will only make it harder for him to get back out in the real world. Good luck and God bless you!
B.
These are stressful times for families. In today's economy there should be no free rides for anyone over the age of 18. Everyone needs to help out. I would insist that your step-son and his son contribute $$$ to the family wellbeing or they have to leave. There is no reason they can't find some sort of work. Throwing them out at this point in time might seem cruel but then again sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind. Make it clear that you can not carry them anylonger.
Hi L.,
Wow you have the pacience of a GOD! I would have had them out in a month!. YOU DON'T NEED TO GRACEFULLY DO ANYTHING! You need to call a family meeting and put it on the table that he's old enough to be taking care of himself, and his son and that he has two weeks or one month (whatever)
to make other arrangements and if they are not out by that time you need to contact the police and have them physically removed. Then give them a time frame to get there things or you will call the thrift store. I know that it is hard to do to family but not any harder than supporting ungrateful bloodsuckers. My aunt had to do the same after funding herself in the same situation. You need to contact the police and give them a heads up. Also have the computer service turned off and tv. You can rent movies if need be and watch them in your room. also make sure there is little to no food in the house. When the food is gone the rats always leave.
Please L. get some moxie and stad up to this and don't let them take adventage of you. Its wrong.
Let me know how it goes
W.
