M.R.
It is no way to live. If you are seeing a psychiatrist, go in with your SO and see them and have a long talk. If you are not, see one now. You need to have a full evaluation and a treatment plan.
ADHD is a medical condition, and ODD is frequently comorbid. In any case, you need specialized medical care. A treatment plan should consist of many hours a week of: Play therapy or cognative behavioral therapy, social skills classes, speech and langague therapy, OT, medical management, and intensive behavioral and educational supports from all the adults around him so that he lives in a completely consistent enviornment. Medication is often part of a treatment plan, but treatment plans that consist of medication alone are not only not sucessful, they are inappropriate. You may have a child who does not need medicaiton, but you have a child who undoubtably needs the rest, and right away.
I am always surprised, but I guess I should not be anymore, that so many people have this discussion in their homes about medication v natural, diet, supplemtent,bla, bla, bla, but so few even discusss congative behavioral therapy, play therapy, OT social skills classes, and behavioral and educational accomodations. None of this is either or, it is DOES this child need the medication with the play therapy, cognative behavioral therapy etc, or not? Frankly, the rest is not part of standard care for ADHD and comorbid disorders, never has been, and from the looks of the data, never will be. Food coloring, GCFC, fish oil, "natural" supplements, acci berries, oh boy, none of it works, but you can spend a whole lot of your money one it, and still, you will be back to standard care which is expensive enough as it is.
Look at it this way. Brains are flesh and blood, just like your urinary tract. Brains have millions upon millions of cells, called neurons, and they do nto touch. Between them is a tiny space, called a synapes. We have ideas, memories, and thoughts that are carried from cell to cell in the form of electrical impulses. When the impulse reaches the synapes, our bodies make electrochemicals called neurotransmitters to carry the thought over the space to the next cell. It happens millions of times a second. If a person does not make enought neurotransmitters or the neurotransmitter receptors are damaged, that person loses track, fails to pay attention, forgets how to behave, can become impulsive, or fail to act on what they "know" about right and wrong, and they have ADHD. This is a completly biological issue that responds to medication. There are many different types of medications that are helpful and used as a tool, ADHD patients can rely on their brain function so that they can begin to work out all the things that most of us learn as we grow older and our fully functional brains allow.
Like urinary tract deseases, there is a behavioral component. Would you potty train a child with an anatomical issue of the urinary tract? What if the child needed medication to make thier urine less concentrated and flow without pain? Would you let your husband say that they disagreed with medication for that? Would you think it was fine if the child was still in pull ups until they got on this medication and could begin to potty train? How is this different? Insert "pee" for every ADHD behavior that could be helped with medication, and ask your SO again if he thinks that it is OK to say no.
I would recomend that you do several things. First, call the nearest childrens hospital and find a Developmental Pediatrician and make an appointment. It will take many months to get in. Then, get an appointment with a board certified Child psychiatrist if this is not the kind of profesional you have been seeing. Next, ask the psychiatrist for a referal for either cognative behavioral therapy or play therapy and get in as soon as possible. If speech is a concern, call and make an appointment with a speech therapist for an evaluation and to start therapy. If he has sensory concerns or fine motor issues, make an appointment with an Occupational therapist. Ask the occupational therapist for a referal to a developmental Optomitrist and have his visual processing checked, as well as accuity. Do all this tomorrow.
Next, sit down and write a letter to your school district. Tell them that you would like your son evaluated because you susepct that he has a disablity that is preventing him from full particiapation in preschool. Tell them that you expect a written invitation to a meeting to give your consent to evaluate him within the next ten school days. Ask them to send you a copy of your rights under IDEA.
Next, order some books to read. Browse Amazon for books by Dr. Mel Lievene (All kinds of Minds) or Dr. Russel Barkely. They have many great books about the meidcal nature of ADHD and terrific strategies about how to live with it at home.
Next, look up CHADD online. Find a local support group. Subscribe to Additudes magazine. Contact NAMI in your area for care giver classes.
Log on to www.wrightslaw.com and start learning about advocacy. Read about ADHD and learn to interpret the evaluation data. Read, "Understanding Tests and Measurements for Parents and Advocates." Look at any evaluation data that you have already, and try to see if you can understand your son better. You will be very pleasantly surprised at how helpful understanding where his weaknesses are will help you plan your life at home. There are reasons he does everything he does, and you can set him up to be sucessful if you understand him. Success breeds success, and the more he has, the easier your life will be, and he will want more and more.
Finally, if you feel overwhelmed, you are not alone. Many of us have walked in your shoes and blased this path before you, and you do not have to reinvent the wheel. Ask for help, just like you have today. Print out this post, and trude through all the phone calls, and find a soft place to fall with other parents of ADHDers; you will soon find them at CHADD, NAMI, and social skills classes. Pretty soon, you will feel better about the whole thing. One day...pass on what you have learned to someone who feels kind of hopeless...they will need you and your wisdom.
Hugs...it is going to be OK.
M.