ADD Effects on Marriage

Accept that he may never change.
Hire as much help as you are able to. Every task that you can farm out to a contractor or service person is one less thing to argue about.

I answered a similar question a few weeks ago. My answer was actually based on her question.. Here is the link to her original question.
http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/15234500232353021953

OK, I totally understand where you are coming from. I have known my husband since we were 13. This fall we will have been married 30 years. He also has ADHD. One of the problems with it is that it gets worse the older they get. I also suggest your husband speak with his GP about testing him for low testosterone.

People with ADHD have some coping skills that they have learned over the years, but it takes EVERY ounce of strength and any amount of attention they can muster to keep it together each day all day long.

YOU need to understand this. This is not something they can control, it is just part of who they are and always will be. Even with meds, which will give him a limited time of some clarity, it does not cure it, never will.

My husband has always had careers that allowed him to do different things each day all day long. Thank goodness for this because he would never be able to handle a job where one sits at a desk all day. He is very creative and can look at anything and know how it works and why, but to give you an example, when he lived with his parents and ALL through our 30 years of marriage, our trash day has ALWAYS been Fridays.. He STILL has to be reminded on Thursday nights. I also leave those post it notes on his keys and still there are many times, he forgets..

It still takes every ounce and every tool and coping skill to keep him focused and productive and able to finish his tasks and projects at work. There is really not much left of him at the end of the day... Again never really will be as long as he has a full time job.

I have accepted this and with this acceptance, I am able to love him and appreciate my husband. He can get on my last nerve, but he is an amazing father, he adores us, and he works his butt off for us.

He may not do things the "regular way or traditional way" but he gets his job done and is always rewarded with good reviews.

At home I am like his assistant. I am the keeper of all calendars. I have a calendar in the bathroom, I keep post it notes in there so I can remind him of things on a daily basis if needed. I actually post on the mirror, his toothbrush and his car keys. I also email important dates to him at his work email as well as his personal emails and facebook. He carries a cell phone, and a pager.

For many years when we first married, "I just could not understand why he did not LOVE me or respect me enough to be able to remember these things." I just thought "he was not trying hard enough".

One day he asked me, "How do you keep up with everything without writing it down?" I just looked at him and said, "I have always been able to do that, how do you remember things?" "He simply said, I don't, never have been able to." I was shocked. It finally dawned on me, his brain was wired completely different from what is considered the "norm".

His ADHD makes him anxious, embarrassed, insecure and exhausted, ALL of the time. It is something I tell him to just do his best and to ask for help so that I am aware when things are getting bad.

He remembers his mother asking the doctor, in front of him, "What is wrong with him? Is he retarded?" Can you imagine? He has never gotten over the stigma of ADHD and tries to keep it private. This also puts a huge amount of pressure on him, because he is not willing to explain this to his coworkers.

What works best for us is to sit down and discuss, what the week will look like for him. I ask him "how can I help you this week?" sometimes he will ask for some email reminders or post it notes or request assistance remembering certain activities. . Then I tell HIM what I need from him during the week and ask how he wants to handle these things. Even after all of this, he still will ask me many times, what the plans are.

It does take effort, but he is worth it. He appreciates my help and I appreciate his honesty and dedication to our family. He is an amazing partner and my best friend. Our daughter also is so proud of him and know that she is in college studying Psychology, she is way more patient and is impressed by what it it takes for him to stay on task.

You need to come to grips with your husbands condition and accept him just the way he is. You need to decide if you are going to be his partner or if he is going to have to solve this on his own. Either way it will take clear, honest communication and acceptance.

I know it is hard and not what you signed up for, but if you can really be part of the solution for him. I am sending you strength.

Laurie A has a good response. I would just add that it's not about changing behavior so much as changing expectations and playing to everyone's strengths and minimizing areas of challenge. Examples:

My ADHD husband likes cars. He works with them, he knows them, and when it comes to cars, he can laser-focus his attention. So this week, he is buying the new car that we need. I don't call people, I don't test drive, I don't run around from dealer to dealer, I don't haggle. I bring cash and a pen, pay for the car, sign some papers and drive away.

On the other hand, he has NOTHING to do with school. I fill out the forms, enroll everyone, manage paperwork, check homework, go to parent-teacher conferences, chair PTA events, handle 504 plans and IEPs, etc.

He is planning our summer vacation. He will tell me what days to take off from work and how much it will cost. I will write checks, pack food, clothing and toiletries for the whole family and will get in the car and we'll go. And whatever he plans will be wonderful, with every last detail looked into and every dime really well spent. And when we get home, I'll unpack, clean and shop and he'll download pictures and videos and make a digital scrapbook that he sends to family and that the kids watch again and again.

We've just managed to learn that there needn't be a whole lot of overlap in what we each do. For him, the bills magically get paid, mortgages in crisis magically get mediated, kids magically have clothing, health care, education, social lives, holiday dinners and summer BBQs magically happen, cards and gifts for both of our families appear out of thin air, taxes, finances and legal problems get solved with little effort on his part etc.

For me, the grass is magically always cut, mulch drops from the sky in April, cars get fixed all on their own, oil just appears in the tank, vacations plan and execute themselves, the kids are magically enrolled in sports and after-school activities (complete with all of the necessary equipment), snow disappears in the winter, etc.

We do share our everyday routines - I get everyone up and out the door in the morning, he pick up everyone in the afternoon/evening and we share in cooking, grocery shopping and laundry. If people are coming over, I can now count on him to clean up certain areas of the house and outside. These are big improvements - some come from learning over the years what needs to be done, some come from maturity and a realization that it takes A LOT of work to manage a house of 6 and he is perfectly capable of pitching in. Now does he do everything perfectly? No - we have had lots of pink-stained whites, shrunken sweaters, charred pots, grill fires, etc. But I have to let those go if I want any help at all.

I know living with ADHD can be frustrating, but try to see and remember what he does well and give him a chance to shine in those areas. Support him in his treatment (ask to be able to speak with his doctor and attend appointments with him) and make sure his treatment is transparent to you. My husband has tried various medications, nutritional supplements, life coaching, CBT, etc. There is not magic cure but some interventions can really help a lot.

Good luck with this and try to remain positive. Let go of the disappointment and know - really know in your soul - that if he COULD change the maddening behaviors, he would. He can't. It's like telling someone with no feet that if he just tried hard enough, he could run a mile without help. Or that if someone deaf just tried harder, she'd hear. Not happening, right? It's a real impairment, and not one that he picked.

Be aware that there is a big genetic component to this and be prepared to help your children if any of them also have this. My oldest son and husband are not related but they both have ADHD. Things can be a real picnic here at times!

I have ADD and I hate that book. I am more organized than anyone I know. I wish they would change the book's name or something. It makes it sound like everyone with ADD is like that, really very few are. :(

Really the biggest thing is the person with ADD accepting that they have a problem.

Lord, I laughed, as did two of my friends with the it got worse after kids. They are men, this is what men do. Well except for a few amazing ones. All men ignore their wives when they ask stuff. Honestly does that stupid book attribute all male traits as being ADD? I don't doubt these men have
ADD but they are using it as an excuse for being a man.

I am in a similar boat to you. My husband's ADD was not profoundly recognizable until we had kids. It took me telling him that it scares me how inattentive he is to get him to think about this diagnosis and seek help. I still am not 100% trusting of him being attentive as I would not dream of taking a job with travel attached with kids as young as ours and putting him in charge. I have not read the book that you are reading but have read others. Take it seriously as far as the suggestions you see on how to deal. Know that he does have some stuff that he may in fact be better at than you because of the ADD but be prepared to shoulder the responsibility for some things because he is really handicapped when it comes to that. we have a sick joke in the family that if anything ever happens to me when the kids are still young he needs to get remarried IMMEDIATELY because keeping track of their activities, their bedtimes, and their needs for school work among other things are just not his forte. I have been trying to get us some counseling for a while because I really would like an outside perspective on leveraging both of our strengths in the best way possible. Medication can help but barring that since you said you cannot obtain that regalar vigorous exercise, good sleep patterns and a good diet shoulld help as well as the good advice in books on the matter such as getting rid of excess and having good routines available

I have to say, I am the ADD spouse in our relationship. I know my husband is constantly disappointed and I really do try, but I always fail. I know what he wants from me and I know I can't deliver it. I have tried meds, but then I can't sleep at night... i have tried diet change... but the food changes only kinds help and my husband gains weight very quickly on them so I am cooking 2 meals 3 times daily.... and that makes more work since we have no dishwasher other than my hands. I wish I could say that he will one day change for the better and everything will be fixed but really, you have to allow that it M. take longer for him than you like and that is with him REALLY trying to change... he M. have no desire to change.

Laurie A.....Will you marry me???

Just kidding..it wouldn't work....But honestly, what an amazing wife you are.

I am the spouse with ADD, but I was only diagnosed a couple of years ago and I am now 50. So, we have had plenty of mis-understandings and disappointments.

The drawbacks are: I can hyper-focus on some tasks....like playing the piano, cooking, But, I can NOT pay attention to important areas unless I'm on meds like finances. My husband loves to talk and analyze. He's the more emotionally needy one in the relationship...when he says he wants to talk I used to roll my eyes and say...really, now...do we have to? Now I can tell him I've taken my meds today....and he will say, Yes, I can tell. And I think, Really, what's different?? And he tells me I'm not snappy and irritable and my responses are normal and nice and not uptight. So then, he feels comfortable approaching me to talk. Really? That's how you perceive me? Yes, hon, for 15 years....So then I try to be nice and attentive when I'm not on my meds....but people with ADD are notoriously poor self-analyzers.

I think my husband would have left me had I not met a new neighbor. This new couple moved in, and as we got to know each other, the woman opened up about the difficulties in her own marriage.....and shockingly, it could have been my husband standing there talking about me. Most every complaint she had about her husband are things my husband has said about me...but she was able to articulate how it made her FEEL. For some bizarre reason, I could not understand why my husband felt these ways. But for some miraculous reason, I understood it from her point of view. Oh, and the neighbor's husband was diagnosed with ADD, but would only take meds and not work with a therapist...and they are now separating.

So, I worked with a therapist and essentially needed to learn what normal, human responses were to others, as I did not learn those in my own dysfunctional family.

I honestly did not know I needed help. I minimized my husband's perceptions of me. I respond 'appropriately' now to him. It has made a huge difference. For me, the emotionally appropriate responses he needs are a bit corny, a bit fake, a bit forced..time-consuming is the most accurate description...I have to stop what I'm doing to be attentive to him....but my oh my is he a happy camper. I just felt that I'm there, I'm working hard, always distracted and starting too many things and not completing most, but I'm full of creative ideas...and sort of thought that was 'enough.'

My husband has learned that I MUST have lots of list and a central calendar....or I honestly cannot manage. I could not tell you right now what I am doing tomorrow unless I check, and re-check....as a matter of fact that's one of my new business ideas..I want to be able to txt my appointments and addresses to the GPS in my car...because by the time I write it down and get it to the car...I've either lost it or I forget to input the info...ugh.

Please approach your husband with a solution in mind....not a you're a bad, making me miserable, get help now or I'm leaving.

I recommend the books "Delivered From Distraction" and Driven To Distraction"

**Edit**

Some helpful on-line tools and discussions:

http://www.everydayhealth.com/adhd/keeping-your-cool-with...

What's interesting to me to read right now are some of the responses from the NON-ADD partner. One comment really hurts...that they feel used. My husband has said that to me as well...and I honestly, sincerely don't emotionally understand that perspective. We are not using people...we are energetic, creative, highly distractable.....It is just as frustrating and embarrassing to me that I forget to pick up the kids, forget to feed the dog for 2 days in a row, can't decide what to make for dinner, forget the damp laundry in the washer for a days and have to throw it out due to mildew, forget to leave cash for the kids activities, forget I have to pack lunches so there's no food...the list of what I foget is way more than what I remember. I do not like to be this way...but I get up every morning and plod along loving my family and taking care of them. I am not a bad person....I don't do drugs, I don't drink, I don't over spend and run the family into debt, I don't party and go out to wee hours of the night, I don't gossip, I don't talk on cell phones or txt while I drive, I am simply forgetful and I just don't see what's around me very well.

Even my dog has learned to live with my ADD...when she's hungry she pokes me really hard with her nose. It's a different poke than any other communication and I immediately remember that she needs food. It works for us. If a dog can figure out...I think we humans can learn to bend.

Well I guess the bottom line is, does your Husband do anything for his ADD himself?

:)

yes and he wouldn't get help so I divorced him. :o/ Hope you find something that will help you guys. Best wishes.

Hi H.,

Boy do I understand. It wasn't until we had our DD and figured out she had ADHD from foods/artificials did I realize that my DH has ADD (btw, same thing with DH - though he's harder to stay on track).

After 11 yrs of marriage, this is where I am at. I feel very used. I know a lot of your responses have been to manage everything, but that wears on a person. I am very tired of having to be "the mom" to my grown husband. I would love to maybe have that balance as some of the other mamas said of him doing what he's best at and her doing the same, but I find that there is too much overlap and I can't expect him to get things done with out me. Even though I was frustrated prior to DD, I had the ability to keep up with him and life and now, not so much. My DH doesn't feel like changing or making efforts for the most part. He finally started trying some after realizing that he does have ADD, but that only lasted a few months. I have also spent much time being angry and not treated well. My DH lashes out with anger TONS before Feingold (the diet) and yet he always blamed me for how he acted and responded. It was interesting to read Mum4ever and how she didn't notice how she was acting or treating others.

I would look into the Feingold Diet to see if it could help your marriage. It really did help ours, but it takes time to see changes. My DH didn't feel any different for about a month of being on Stage 1. Though the materials won't work for foods in Italy, you could take the "always acceptable" list and work off of it and read, read, read labels. Check out the Yahoo group - Feingold4Us and you can get some help from people who are members and not members.

My husband has some amazing things about him and things that frustrate the daylights out of me. I'm sure your husband is the same. Try as hard as you can to love him and remember the things that you love.

From another H.. :)

PM me if you want more info.