About to Get Have a 10 Yr Old Living in My Home, Have No Experience, Pls Help!

My 9y boy doesn't have specific chores, but is expected to help around the house when asked. Things like:
- keeping his room neat
- sorting his clothes for laundry
- clearing the table
- setting the table
- loading the dishwasher
- putting groceries away

For starters I would have him do chores around the kitchen. This way someone will usually be around to supervise him, and it will help him learn where things are, how things are done, etc.

My son usually is in bed between 930 and 10, but likes to read for a while too.

Boys this age need love and praise and a bit of independence. For us, we look through his school work, hear about his day, etc. We have running jokes about schoolwork. We all know they are jokes, but at the same time we are showing him we care. When he has a really good day with good grades, we may say something like, 'Now C, we expect you to get a well-rounded education. There are more letters in the alphabet besides A and B...'. If he had a bad day where its more Cs and Ds, we'll make him correct his answers and will say something like 'I know I said you didn't have to get ALL As & Bs, but one or 2 a day would be good...'

As for hugs and such, everyone gets hugs when we first come home from school or work. If he does something cool, he gets high-fives and a 'way to go!' The bedtime routine is a hug and air kiss pucker from the doorway.

As for reading: my son LOVES the Captain Underpants Series, and the Diary of a Wimpy Kid series.

Good luck
M.

All kids now matter what their age need hugs, and he will also, bed time let him try the 10:00 for the summer (with lights out) but he will need to be in bed by 830-9:00 for school (lights out). Chores, his bed, room, help with yard, and house, (waste baskets and recycling , help set the table and help with clean-up) But remember summer is also for fun, pools,fishing etc. he will let you know after he is settled in. Good luck.

Just based on my 11 yr old, lots of praise. My son has a bit of a self esteem issue and a therapist has told me that when boys reach this age, they really need the boost with praise. For chores, my son takes out the garbage, cleans the bathroom, and sweeps the front and back steps. And of course we have other additional things as well. It is all part of being a family. I would say to give him a little time to get used to your setup/rules etc. before deciding he does a so so job. Like all kids, they have moments that they will try to get away with minimal. I am sure you know but just let him know what to expect and what is expected. I think it is great you are giving a child a home.

For the child to KNOW... that your caring/love is unconditional. NO matter what. A kid, especially a teen, needs to know that. They may 'challenge' that... but only because they do not know if they are loved no matter what. And 'accepted.' That he does not have to be 'perfect'... but respected for who he is.

And not to be compared. To be included. Especially if he has come from a hard background.

Give him praise. Not empty perfunctory praise, but that you mean it. A teen, can tell the difference between empty praise and one that is heartfelt.

talk with him... just talking story to see what his ideas/feelings are. That it is okay to have feelings and to express it. Openly... and that he will not be 'criticized.' Some kids act all 'tough' and cool... but all kids, inside, are tender hearted and need affection.

If he has been in and out of foster care he may not know how to clean anything.
My 9 year olld can
dust
pick up toys, clutter
sweep, mop, vacuum
feed dogs and cats
clean litter box/pick up dog doo
dry dishes, he is terrible at washing but I never tell him, I let him do it every so often and correct his still dirty dishes by showing him the food particles and having him redo it. I usualy have him dry
Load/unload dishwaher
pick up his room
bathroom sink, toilet, floors
I am usually checking on him and he does have a checklist.
As far as bedtimes my 12 year old still goes to bed at 8:30 with my 9 year old. My 15 year old goes to bed at 9:30ish.
Let him do something really wll, like helping you plant the flowers in the flower bed. Then tell him how hard he worked and how nice the flowers look. Lots of positive reinforcement.
Every one needs to be loved. If you are sincere in your praise he will want more and will ask in his way for it.
My 9 year old loves to help me make things, jello, cookies, fruit pizza. THis is a good time to teach them how to wash the dishes.

Regarding bedtime, 10 is fine for summer, 9 during the school year. I have 2 boys, one 10 and one 8. My 8 year old is adopted and I can speak from experience that these kids need a super high level of one on one time. You need to pour into them your love, time and experiences. My 8 yr old does chores with me and while we do it, we talk and bond. I applaud your decision to give of yourselves to a child. For us, its been a hard journey but very rewarding. I would also recommend camping each month or so. They NEED the outdoors at this age and something bigger than themselves to connect to. It would also be good to connect him to service activities through your church. The most important thing though is that he needs to feel a bond to an adult that he knows truly cares. God bless!

Whether or not he can complete his chores without prompting or whether he needs a check list, or whether even a check list is enough, all depends on the child. Given that he is a foster child, I would have to assume that he is coming from a dysfunctional household. So he may be very mature and able to take care of a lot of things for himself, or he may be totally unaccustomed to having any responsibilities at all. Regardless, you will probably want to remind/ask/prompt on the day the chore must be done, just until he gets accustomed to his new living situation. He will need some adjustment time.
Don't add too many chores at once. Start with maybe the kitchen trash... as it is full, he must take it out. That is an easy one, that you can call him to do as it becomes full... so the "prompting" is built right in. My own 11 yr old does it at our house, and he still doesn't have the hang of noticing when it needs doing... but then he doesn't use it 30 times a day like I do...

As far as bedtime... 10 pm sounds fine for summer... but let him know up front that it is for NON-school times only. My 11 yr old needs a lot of rest. His bedtime is 9:30. On the nights when he has a hard time dropping off to sleep right away, or gets to bed even 15 minutes late, he is next to impossible to get up the next morning... and he doesn't get up until 6:45. But then, again, all kids are different and he may not need that much sleep. My daughter doesn't. But my son, definitely does.

As for hugs and nurturing? He will probably need a lot of hugs, but you are absolutely right that he will most likely be stand-off-ish and not acknowledge it. My suggestion for that, what I do with my own son, is tell him that I (me) need a hug, and will he give me one? That way he doesn't have to admit that he needs it or wants it, and gets to feel nice by helping me out... and we both get that hug. :)

hth

Hi A.,
I have a 9 year old. He does chores like put the silverware way (he's clumsy so not doing dishes yet.) Feeds the dog, set and clear the table and dusting.

As far as the hugs 9 and 10 is the stage where they want hugs, but they don't want you to know that they want hugs, and girls are icky! (Even moms) So my son is affectionate at home but sometimes when we are out he doesn't want me hugging on him, it's embarassing lol.

Bedtime is going to be up to the individual needs of the child. 10 may be too late, you will have to see what time he is used to and see when he is getting tired. My son still has lights out at 8:30, 9 in the summer. Although we are going back to 8:30 because he has been cranky lately. It also depends on what time he wakes up in the morning. If he is an early riser he may need an earlier bed time, if he likes to sleep in a later bedtime may work.

Definitely give as many hugs as he will let you, but you will have to feel it out to see what his comfort zone is (and then go a little beyond it but not too much!) Bed time may be trial and error. On the chores give him clear instructions, and check on him once or twice. They still need reminders, but not as many as the younger ones. (Especially if they are not used to doing chores.) All kids are different though, my son needs lots of reminders! lol

Good luck, and good for you for being foster parents!

1) depends on the chore. if he is in charge of feeding a pet. you definatly need to check up on him. this is the age that most boys will pretend to shower. a easy way is to smell the hair. or if its not even wet its a pretty big clue. a chore list is fine as long as you go over it and check up on him.
2) depends on the child. some kids need more sleep. at ten 9:30 seems reasonable but he might need 9:00. you can tell by how grouchy they are the next day ;)
3) again depends on the child. at ten most are uncomfortable with hugs but high fives, giving knuckles, and a great job are all pretty normal. doing things together like fishing, cooking, or even chores shows you care. good luck and God bless your family.

Wow, bless your heart for caring for these kids.
I don't have boys - I have 3 girls - so I don't know about many of the specifics. But overall, I would say that the answer to your questions will really depend on the child - what has been his experience, what is his starting point emotionally, his maturity level, etc. Every child is so different. Some kids will need more than a checklist, while others will be fine with that. If he honestly tries, but the job isn't perfect, that is okay. I think the important thing is that he does what he's responsible for with a good attitude (without complaining for example).

As far as nurturing or affection, there's no way to answer that without knowing the boy. I would think that the best thing would be to be kind, loving, firm and consistent about your rules, and very very patient.... let the child know you are there/ available, and offer hugs, and just be accepting of him. If he needs a lot of supervision and support, provide that. If he is more independent, encourage and praise that but also let him know you are there to support him.

First, I would let him settle in for a week or a few days before giving him any responsibilities. Let him see how your family operates. Let him know that he will be expected to pull his weight. Give him certain chores that are non negotiable- make bed, clean up after himself, that sort of thing, then give him 2 or 3 chores that he can pick from a list. You can do this any way you want- make the list change every day, make it for a week, month, whatever.

Be patient and remember you may have to teach him how to do the chores. I would not over load him at first, maybe add a chore a week or something.

As far as bed time- we are pretty strict in our house on that. My 12yo gets to stay up until 9:30 reading but the younger boys are in bed by 8 or 8:30. Ask him what he is used to and then go from there.

They DO need affection and lots of praise. It will also depend on what he is used to. I would definitely tuck him in at night- giving him a chance to broach any subject he may want at the end of the day. Take it slow. Maybe a hug or 2 during the day if you see the opportunity.

I am sure they have told you this, but expect him to challenge your authority. Lay down the rules, and do not back down. Make them the same rules everyone else in the house follows. THat will make it fair. Fair is very important at this age.

Good Luck!

My 9 1/2 year old son has to be prompted on chores but my 6 year old doesn't. Every kid is different. During the school year bedtime is 9:00 pm. They still need their rest. It is ok to read but lights out at 10:00 pm. I think the age is great. They are curious and exploratory. It is the peak of childhood. That poor baby, love him unconditionally and discipline lovingly. My prayers are with all of you. cb

As foster parents you know what it's like to bring a new person into your home. This child will have his own issues and you will have to have great patience. I am going to assume some things, if I am wrong then just take it with a grain of salt...LOL.

If he is coming in a few days then he is already in the system. Depending on how long he has been in care will determine his mental status, if he's in mourning/loss, etc...if he's realized he's better off, if he expects to go home or age out.... The person he is is a product of the life he has experienced.

The child that will be joining your home will obviously need time to blend into your schedule. I think your Summertime schedule sounds fine. I would encourage him to go to bed around dark and let him have some unwind time like the bigger kids. If they are going to share a room he'll need to have the same schedule. Summer in the middle of the USA makes dark around 9:45. I was sent to bed at 8:30 during the elementary school years and all the neighborhood kids would sit outside my window on their bikes and make fun of me for being in bed. Once time change sets in the bedtime should definitely be earlier.

He probably has never had to do chores except in a previous foster home. I would think it would be good if you could visit with the previous foster parents and see what they have to say about it. I think simple chores at first, see if there is anything he likes to do, I love doing laundry, my husband doesn't mind doing dishes, it works for us because I would rather buy new dishes instead of washing them. He might like being outside and working in the yard and he might have lived in an apartment with no yard, ever. So many variables can influence him. Your just going to have to visit with him after a day or two of settling and ask him. I think he'll need supervision at first to learn how you like things done. My friend has notes posted in each room and they follow a simple format:

The kitchen is finished when: The counters are wiped down and free of dirty dishes, the dishwasher is loaded and running, the clean dishes are put up in the cabinets, the floor has been swept and any spills mopped up.

The littler kids could be paired with the little kids and big kids too, the littler kids could empty the silverware into the drawer while the dishes were being put up, the little kids emptying the bottom shelf of the dishwasher and the big kids the top shelf and drainer. They can hold the dust pan while a bigger kid sweeps, etc...he might really enjoy "teaching" someone how to do something and it could build his self image and self worth.

The point is the family worked together to mentor the younger kids and to promote a clean living environment.

A "big" kid and a "little" kid are paired up to work in a large room together. Littler kids are the youngest around that show an interest in helping out up to around. She had 7 kids so there was always various ages working together.

You sound like you have a good understanding about the children in your care. Good luck with your new addition.

Maybe when you bring him home you can sit down with him and see what his expectations are of you as foster parents and then let him know what is expected of him. His hormones are starting up so you never know. Each boy is different. Maybe let him know that you are an affectionate family and see how he feels. He will let you know if he doesn't want to be touched. Then he may warm up later when he sees how the rest of the family is. I don't think that its just 10 year old boys that may or may not like hugs, but he may not come from an affectionate background. If a child isn't used to touching someone else in a loving manner, he may shy away. At 10 he is able to sit down and talk with and see what his boundaries are. Good luck and Congrats on your new addition.

Since he is a ten year old that should make him a 5th grader maybe and that means he is quite capable of doing chores around the house. I do not know how his attitude will be though having to be in foster care. I do know they need lots of love. I have taught foster children before and noticed this about many of them.

A.-Here's my thoughts:

1. Ten year olds are fully capable of helping out with most chores, ie. cleaning their room, feeding any animals, cleaning kitchen, bathroom, vacuuming, etc. He may not be accustomed to doing chores so I think you just need to sit down with him, maybe ask what chores he was responsible for before, if any, and let him know what your expectations of him are while he's living in your home. Depending on his chore background, you may need to prompt him at first to complete the chores but he should learn quickly with your love and encouragement.

2. Being that it's summertime, I think you're fine with the 10:00 bedtime. 9:30 during school time works too. Usually during school time my daughter's bedtime ranges between 9:30 and 10:00. During summertime, we're less strict and may let her stay up later a few nights if for example she's watching a late night movie or something. Schedule the appropriate bedtime based on what time they need to get up the next day. You want to ensure that he's getting the appropriate amount of sleep.

3. As for nurturing, I think all kids need love and encouragement no matter what age. I remember when my son was 10 he still liked me to tuck him in at night and give hugs! Try what's comfortable to you and see how he reacts. If he balks at getting hugs (some people are not 'touchy, feely' then maybe verbal (I love you...keep up the good work...you're doing a great job) comments will be received better or you could even just give him a pat on the back instead of a bear hug. I think you'll just need to play this by ear and see how he responds to you. Again, based on his previous background, he may not be accustomed to getting alot of affection and this may be foreign to him.

I commend you for being a foster parent and hope everything works out well for you. Best of luck!