A Young Cluless Mom Who Needs Some Answers

How do you treat the situation? What type of punishment do you use for her? Is there anything that could be causing this attitude? Maybe try talking to her and asking her what mommy did? Try to find the problem and start from there and explain how wrong it is to say she hates and stuff like that! Good luck sorry I couldn't be much help... this is probably going to be me in 6-7 years becasue I have an 18 month who has attitude like crazy and my baby is so sweet! Good luck again!

My husband was going to a class at our church that said that when a child isn't able to express her emotions by using words, it can lead to this kind of behavior (we have a little boy with the same problem) The 2 year old has better language skills and is sweet. While the older child does just what your daughter is doing.

Hi E.-
I just wanted to add my personal experience. My sis and I are very close in age and it was obvious from a very early age that she was the favorite in the family. Probably because she was a pretty mellow kid and I was not. I not only grew up resenting my mother and others, but my very sweet nice sister. Even though your older daughter may be difficult, please try to make sure you don't show obvious favoritism. I understand the attitude stuff, I've got a 11 yo with some. As the other mamas have said, make sure there are consequences for the poor behavior.
Good luck,
S.

well E...
first I would say.. you are not clueless. .. the fact you understand the differences between your daughters and are worried about it means. - YOU CARE A LOT!!!! keep up the good work.

ok then.. do treat them with their own 'Language'.

hmmm..
don't let the older one.. interupt your time with the younger one by 'demanding' it. is my first thought.

I think you need to set aside some time -hopefully - if you can - where you have - mommy / daughter time with the older and younger ones. The older one will hopefully realise you are invested in her and her thoughts and what she needs to say :)
to be fair to also have time with the younger.. however she already seems to get it. thankfully.

all for now.. best of luck...
write me if I can help
-marg.

Dear E., Some of this is personality and some is that 7 years old is like terrible two's. Your daughter is feeling her oats and wants some independence. How much is up to you. She needs to know that acting out is not acceptable. She can feel what ever way she wants but you are still her mom. My mom once said "this is not a popularity contest, the rules are the rules" I know it is difficult, my grand daughter is going through this right now. Hang in there and be consistant. If you must punish her, stick to it. She has to learn respect. Grandma Mary

Hi E.,
I'm sorry that you're having a tough time. You may not mean to compare, but the personality of your younger daughter has nothing to do with the behavioral problems of the older one. It's a separate issue, this behavior would be a problem no matter how the other sibling behaved, or if there was not a sibling at all. Treat the behavior. If she is being rude or disrespectful, hand out an immediate consequence. Dont' argue with her or allow her to be disrespectful. Be clear about what the rules are and what's acceptable, and be sure a consequence follows rule breaking. At 7, she isn't a toddler, and can control her behavior. I never dealt with "I hate you" but when my daughter was younger, there were occasions where she misbehaved. Having to go to bed for the day, in pajamas and shades down, in the middle of the afternoon was quite effective in nipping undesirable behavior in the bud.
Good luck

Think of snowflakes! We are all so different. So you need to study each child and think of ways to work with them. Love them a lot. When a limit is needed, you must set it. If it is not kept, then a consequence. One of my kids was not really naughty, just mischievous - and I was constantly trying to think of what consequence to use since he just needed a light one. Sometimes distracting them, providing an alternative activity, a snack, a video, a walk outside, a ten minute time out (or 5), etc. For direct disobedience several swats with a wooden spoon, preferably in another room, followed with a short talk.

Welcome to puberty, yes I said puberty, it starts early and lasts until they are about 13 or 14. I went through the same thing with my daughter, it was tough to put it mildly but my husband and I stood together. You need to set ground rules and stick by them. Remember for every action their is a reaction so with that being said when she is good she is rewarded and when she is not doing as she is told, disrespecting, etc. then she is punished. You have to stand tough, always letting her know you are the boss but that you are also their for her when she needs you. My daughter is now 27 and is the best thing since peanut butter and jelly. When she was going through it she broke many doors slamming it in my face and her grades went downhill bad. Then she hit 13, her 3rd brother was born, and she turned into the most loving child. She was dedicated to her brother, her grades went back up and by high school she was on the honor roll and in all honors classes. We did have other bumps in the road but they were not home related and she will tell you she always knew she could rely on us for help, guidance, and support. By the way she is my best friend in the world and I am hers.
Hugs,
T.

That is hard.

1. Establish boundaries. Calmly let her know that she can tell you what is upsetting her, but not be verbally abusive. Give a concrete example: "It is okay to say, 'I have no friends at school,' or 'It seems like you like my sister more than me,' but it is not okay to say, 'I hate you.' If you say that, you will... (We use "Go to your room and come out when you are ready to speak kindly. I want to hear what you have to say." Then they are learning self control - really wait until they come out. Don't go to the door and cajole. But don't have a tv or computer or game in there so that it unnecessarily prolongs the session.)

2. Think about her influences. Is she watching tv/movies/reading books where kids say those things? Brats are not allowed in our house - I have enough to train my girls in being civil and kind without outside influences.

3. Sounds like she really wants some more time with you. Does she pick up on how easy it is for you and your younger one to interact? I love both my girls, but my youngest is so cuddly, it really is a joy to cuddle with her. I have to consciously make time to cuddle with my elder because she feels the difference. Don't make it a reward for her bad behavior. Independently, set up a time to go out with her for cocoa - just an hour - it doesn't have to be an elaborate affair - remember we girls like small, consistent acts of love.

4. The Wonder of Girls by Michael Gurian has been a wonderful book to read. I am reading it with my 9 year old at her request. I'd suggest you read it.

I don't have any kids yet, I am 35 weeks pregnant with my first child. But I can share my experience with you about my sister and I. She and I are 5 years apart, me being the oldest. I was always to good kid that did well in school, always helped out in some way. I raised my little sister as well since my parents were the kind of parents to only think of themselves at the time. Then came a time when I was 16 and my grandfather asked me to move in with him and a friend down in FL. So I went, and at that moment it crushed my sister and I had no idea. She had been a problem child since an early age but this topped it. I lived with my grandfather from my 10th grade year in high school until I graduated. I moved back home in 2007 to help out and found out my sister was doing all these bad things to get attention (sneaking out, having sex, doing things for drugs ect...) Finally my step dad and I sought help and put her in what is called an Open Foster home. This is a place where troubled teens go and get help from other families all the while their families are included in everything that goes on. Once social services sees she is ok to go back home to her or his parents they are released back into to the parents home. Ever since my sister has come home she has done a complete 180. She just recently got back from China.
Now I am not saying do that to your child, but my advice would be to discipline when she is bad or disrespectful and rewarded for being good. But don't have them think every time they are good they will get a material possession of some sort. That is just my opinion. :) I hope the best for you and sorry if I sound like I am rambling. I am still new at this. Good luck. :)