Hello!
My 19 month old son is showing many signs of readiness and interest in potty training - but we have yet to seriously dig our heels into potty training, mostly because I'm not ready to commit to it with all of the holiday craziness approaching.
Anyway, sometimes he will ask to sit on the potty and sometimes we will sit him on there. Anytime this happens, he tries to pee - he pushes hard and gets SOME but definitely not a bull bladder's worth. He hops off quickly and wants his reward - a smartie candy piece - but then two seconds later either finishes peeing in his diaper or wants back on the potty to try more. Does he just want more and more candy and maybe I shouldn't be using this reward? Or is there any advice for getting him to do the whole job? I can't exactly explain to him that he has to pee a certain amount to get his candy and I also feel wrong telling him "no more potty" when he wants to sit down and try for the millionth time in a 5 minute time frame (again, just wanting candy?) when it's good practice and I should be encouraging potty attempts. Should I only let him try if a certain amount of time has passed since last attempt so I know he's actually needing to use the potty?
Sometimes/most of the time it's just a little trickle that he worked really hard to get out but as soon as we're done he lets the rest out. so - if he pees just a little should I reward and then reward each subsequent tinkle one at a time? Insist that after one try we wait until the "next time?" How to get over this hump?
UPDATED: It may be less about candy than I thought....after nap, we tried again. He ran to potty and sat him down - small trickle and he stands right up (almost mid pee) and wants to dump the pee out in the big potty and do this same process over and over and over (not even asking for candy.) Instead of one continuous pee and be done with it. So - do any other kids struggle with a full pee vs a small trickle? Is he lacking attention/focus or does he really not need to go and just wants to play the game? I did move the candy out of the bathroom (out of sight, out of mind) and seems to be helping. Now we can't have candy til we're out of the bathroom and all done.
I don't think it's time just yet. It's not "clicking." Be patient. Maybe back off for a few months. 19 months is pretty young for a boy.
Sounds like you're discoving a common drawback of the reward system. I've done lots of informal research on potty training – what worked and what didn't for many young families, and it seems that the reward is the mastering of the new skill, as is the case with most of the exciting things kids are learning in their early years.
Really, they are geared toward achievement IF allowed to lead the process. If not, it becomes the parents' project, and the child is likely to lose interest except to get rewards or avoid displeasure. And that's an unfortunate set-up for a struggle of will between parent and child.
Since he's only 19 months, I'd back off of the whole process for a few weeks, except to show support when he does want to try. That will give him a chance to reset his candy expectations, which seem to have become the reason for the potty training in his mind. It sounds like he's only on the leading edge of connecting sensations and outcome, which is necessary before potty-learning can become independent and successful.
Here's the very best website I've ever found for potty-training guidance. It gives a few variations on"readiness" checklists, plus tips on various training strategies, the best ages to start them, and the advantages and disadvantages of each approach: http://www.parentingscience.com/potty-training-tips.html
Wishing your and Henry the best!
I never used candy or any other reward with my daughter. All she got was a happy response from mom!
I suggest that you do not want to use candy as a reward. This plays into issues with food. I also suggest that since you're not actively potty training that you not reward his attempts. Consider them practice leading up to potty training. Once you're actively training then use praise as a reward. You want him to learn to do this because it's the right thing to do and not because he gets candy for doing it.
If praise isn't working and he's ready for potty training, you can use a chart to "celebrate" his success. He can earn a non-food reward after so many marks on the chart, but only if praise isn't enough and as a last resort. This puts the emphasis on continued success and separates the reward somewhat from his immediate action, thus teaching him that it's good to pee because he needs to pee.
By giving him a reward now you've started with the "big guns." What will you use when he tires of the reward or when the reward doesn't actually reward the behavior you want? I suggest that you're now rewarding his desire for candy and it's unrelated to actually peeing.
There's a great part of Freakonomics (dvd) where one of the authors discusses using treats to get his potty-regressing daughter back on the potty... if you ever rent the documentary, you'll get a laugh.
People have a lot of differing opinions regarding rewards. Personally, after years of helping kids learn to use the toilet, I think they are more of a distraction. Think about it-- if a child like yours does use the potty, just a bit, then gets a reward, then 'finishes' and doesn't... well, confusing, right? Or they pee tiny quantitites to get a series of rewards. Or there's the "yes I did pee" (but the urine is mostly water, clear and undetectable) and the "no, I don't see pee in there" situation. Who's right? It takes the focus off what is really at hand: learning to control one's bladder and to listen to one's body's cues and signals telling them they need to void or defecate.
Using the toilet, in my opinion, should have one great reward: Staying dry and clean! If you want, substitute the candy with a piece of paper and let him put a sticker on it *every* time he goes in to visit the potty, whether or not anything comes out. Right now, rewards teach him that the goal of using the potty is to get candy. This won't really help, long term, with his ability or interest. The stickers don't help either, by the way, it's just a novelty, a fun something-to-do to take the place of the candy.
I like what you said about waiting until the holidays have past. When you are really ready to start, put him in underwear during the day (not pull-ups... they are like magical underwear and only prolong the process). Then, see what happens. The most important piece of toilet learning is that kids can connect the dots between "I go pee in the toilet and stay dry OR I wet myself and my clothes get wet". They have to understand the cause/effect of all of this. And they have to be interested in staying dry, or you might consider waiting.
Be sure that he can do some of the other more necessary steps: pull down his pants/underwear, dress himself, get on/off the potty, and has enough language skills to convey to you when he needs to go. If he's only interested in the candy and you don't give him candy, it will be clear that he's not ready yet because he'll want to do other things or will consistently wet or just show a lack of interest. I've found that when it comes to helping children use the toilet, it's good to let them drive the train on some of it. If it's all *us* pushing it, I've found it can lead to more power struggles around toileting down the line.
And from your SWH below, it could be anxiety-based, the small trickle, that he's worried about NOT getting the candy. Anxiety causes the body to have a harder time voiding, because of the stress and tension in the body. Like I said before, try it for while with no rewards and you will get a better read on how "ready" he is.
Good luck!
I let my 2 yr old daughter run around with no diaper and no pants. She uses her little potty (kept right in sight of where she is playing) any time she has to go. If she sits on it or uses it at ALL she gets a chocolate chip. And I jump up and down and act very excited for her and tell her how big she is. Can you just let him be naked from the waist down for the whole morning (or whatever time of day you are around and not much is happening)? She does not realize she is not done yet either and will pee just a little bit at first. Then she seems surprised that she has to go again immediately. I don't stand over her or anything - I am just doing my own thing. She will tell me when she goes (she'll come find me and excitedly announce it). Or sometimes she will start playing again and I will find pee in the potty. I don't give her then choc chip then bc it's too late and she does not remember anyway.
This is just a fun idea, but try putting food coloring in the water. When he pees it will change colors and it usually works to get children excited about peeing more because the more pee, the more drastic the color change. Just something I read in a magazine that I thought was clever.
Does he have a floor potty? If not get him one and let him go camando or in big boy underpants. he is training you to give up the reward for effort. Our dd did this for awhile but she was 25 mo when we started "digging in our heels" for training. she quickly figured out that she did not like being wet after pulling the drip pee session on the potty. keep up the encouragment though.
Ask "Are you clean and dry?"
He can check his underwear and if the answer is "Yes" THEN he gets a Smartie. If the answer is no, no Smartie. If he is dry, then go potty and give him another reward.
20 minutes later, repeat "Are you clean and dry? Good boy! Here's one smartie, now lets go pee in the potty! Good boy! Here's another." 20 or 30 minutes later, repeat. Be sure to push fluids so that you can get more pee out of him 20 or 30 minutes later!
