Hi All. I have a friend who I've only known a short while but I really care about her. We met while she was 6 months pregnant and has since given birth 2 weeks ago. I think she is going through some post partum or some sort of baby blues. whenever I call her she says the baby cries all the time and she doesn't even get a chance to eat. She is breastfeeding so I keep tlling her you can take a couple of minutes. She has an 8 year old son and a hubby whom she tells me is no help. When we were in the park the other day she was complaining that the baby doesn't give her a minute. Everytime I am with her it's at least a few hours at a time, the baby is asleep and wakes up only to eat. The crying is anytime he makes a noise she picks him up. I think maybe she is nervous since it's been so long since she cared for a baby. She just found out the person who was supposed to watch the baby once she returns to work backed out. So I said your hubs is off two days a week and you the weekend so you really only need 3 days covered. She told me her husband can absolutley NOT take care of the baby on his own, that he will call her 100 times in the day and she'll be a mess all day thinking he isn't doing a good job. I've met the hubs he has no personality and he isn't the most helpful person but he is the father and should step up to the plate. I would offfer to help but am trying to go back to work FT and would hate to let her down should I find a job before she goes back to work. I mentioned to her that she is a little hard on herself and should let her husband help and take the time now to supervise him to get him to do things the way she likes, but she thinks it is a worthless endevor, yet she has no other alternatives. I have priced out all the daycares in our area both home daycares and facilities, she says she can't afford. I went thriugh churches and state agencies gave her those options and she still thinks she has no choices. Hence why I think she is depressed and I think she should mention to her doctor. She said she doesn't believe in PPD and maybe she is a little iverwhelmed but she'll be fine. What can I do to help her? I do by the way take her 8 year old son with me almost daily to give her peace but she still sounds exhausted when I deliver him back home. What to do?
Hi Ladies thank you all for your feedback. I know I can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped, but I feel for the woman. I had a little PPD when I had my son and no one either recognized it, helped me or commented on it. I came out of it but it was harder than it probably should have been. That said I will be the shoulder to lean on and stay way out of her issues with hubby. I'm hanging with her tomorrow and I'll just "be" with her and help her in things only if she asks me. Thanks again
I just have to say that you are a great friend and it looks like you did all you can. I know it's hard to see people you care about struggle, however she needs to change her situation, it sounds like she really needs to get her husband more involved. I hope it all works out.
Well, she sounds a lot like every new mother I've ever known--including me! You sound like you've done enough. Let her know she can count on you in an emergency.
Consider these possibilities:
1. She's using your face time to "vent" and complain b/c she knows you've been there and understand. It may be 80% blowing off steam and 20% reality.
2. She might just be a whiner, dream crusher, pessimist, energy sucker--whatever you usually call it when someone is happy to let you talk over and "solve" their problems then systematically strike down every option. (Like "hey! you only need to pay for 3 days of childcare b/c hubby is off two days per week" and (even though all of the researched day care options are "too expensive" that's still not a good option, even though it would save 40%!
You're right that she needs to let her husband get more involved NOW and she needs to let him do some things his way. Or she'll be in for a miserable decade or two.
Bottom line is that this is her baby, her husband and her problem. I think you're a good friend for taking her son when you can and caring but you cannot solve this for her, nor does it sound like she wants or is asking you to!
You haven't known her very long but has she always been a "glass is 1/2 empty" type of person? Sometimes you just cannot help complainers. I am sure she has some PPD but you brought it up & she is resistant. She is not a first time mom & her other child is so much older so she just needs some time to adjust. And if she is going to make excuses about why this person can't help or daycare is to expensive & her husband helping is a worthless endeavor etc well there isn't more that you can do, she is going to have to kick her kid & husband in the butt & get them to help. She sounds like the type of person that is not proactive & may drain you because you are so eager & willing to help but nothing you are doing is working. It is so nice of you to take her kid all the time too.
I wish I had you for a friend especially since I had 3 kids in 3 years and at one point all 3 in diapers & no help besides my husband who works a lot.
Wow - you have a been a great friend. I'm not sure there is much more that you can do, but be there for here. However, make sure you aren't helping her avoid her own issues - now, it's very likely she's depressed, exhausted, overwhelmed etc. Continue to be there for her and work on one issue at a time. She's lucky to have you!
i agree with DM, you are a wonderful friend, but don't overwhelm yourself here. the husband needs to step in. she does sound depressed, and it's a shame she is unable to do much with help, advice and research you have done for her. too many young mothers are convinced that the dads cannot do the babies 'right' just because the dads might take a while longer to find a rhythm, or do things a little differently. it's not surprising that such dads quit trying and DON'T do a good job.
i suggest that for your own sanity you take a step back. be there for her if she needs an ear, give her advice only if she asks for it, but don't start feeling responsible for her. i agree with you that she needs some professional help, but you cannot make her get it.
khairete
S.
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Maybe give her some things to read about PPD and kindly let her know that you want to help her and are looking for ways and/or resources to help her. If someone doesn't want help, there is nothing you can do but be there and be a shoulder to cry on or an ear that will listen to her. Definitely reinforce that she needs to get help from her husband and perhaps suggest counseling for them, however be careful how you do that since a lot of people will get very defensive about those sorts of things, even though it can be so beneficial. Good luck
Get her a book on the newborns. Talk to her family, mom, sisters, etc.
This is part of the deal, ALL NEW MOMS go through this exhaustion period.
Her older child may have slept more.
If you are close to her husband and won't offend your friend, give HIM A BOOK...there are PLENTY of funny yet to the point books for new dads.
New Dads are clueless and usually of no help.
It will pass.....call her, be there for her. WE all go through this...if she is really depressed or you feel the child may be in danger DO NOT hesitate, do not listen to others. get her help immediately. PPD is no light issue.
You are a great friend for caring!!
I think you sound like an awesome friend.
As for crying all the time, I know with all three of mine, I breastfed, and it took FOREVER in the beginning. By the time they were done an hour if not more later, and even if it had been two or three hours between start to start feeding (and never was it three hours- still isn't and he is four months almost), I only had an hour to recoup and it passed way to fast! Hence, he was crying all the time.
She sounds like a normal post pardom mom to me, but if she starts really acting depressed, not just overwhelmed or tired, or starts talking crazy talk, do not hesitate to get her help. Just keep a vigilant eye on her.
One more thing...my kids always went longer between feeds and slept longer if we were out and about, so if you can get her to the park more often, I think that the companionship and sunshine will do her a world of good. I would just feed as needed in the air conditioned car....
