9Year Old Step Daughter Wants Hair Highlighted

Wow-that is WAY too young to start anything like that. Plus-was this the little girls idea or Mom's?? If it was her Mom's what kind of message is she giving the little girl? That her hair is not pretty enough as it is. I can't imagine doing this to my kid. She is coming into an age where she will need all her esteem and confidence and this is just sending such a bad message. Thankfully she has you to raise her and to be the voice of reason.

This also is a late reply but I know my stylist will not color kids hair if they are under 13 years old. My mom is a hair stylist in Ohio and she won't do kids under 16. I would never let my girls have their hair colored till they are teenagers or older. But each parent is different. I think if I had to choose coloring their hair or smoking. I'd take highlighting any day. Glad things worked out. Being a parent is always challenging.

You are one smart Cookie, S.--- taking the mellow road on this will -- I am positive--- win you huge benefits with the adults and the children --- it's a tricky dance ( and I'm pleased that you --- as a couple --- did make noises along the lines of '''' lets come to a decision as the adults to we can keep something of a united front with the 9 year old-- she's very fortunate)

Blessings
J. - aka - Old Mom

Coming from a licensed cosmotologist's point of view, I think 9 is way to young. Highlights cause alot of damage because bleach is used instead of dye.You would think that chunks or streaks would be an easier way to go, but in reality, you get very visible root regrowth because you are not weaving in the highlights. If she does this, it will be an every month process of getting a touch up, which can quickly lead to damage in hair if she doesn't know how to maintain it's condition ( Conditioning treatments, frequent trims...)It's alot of upkeep for a young girl.Something to think about!Good Luck!
S.

I agree with you. I think 9 years old is too young to be hilighting/coloring hair. I think our kids need to learn to accept themselves as is. I wonder if your step daughter asked to have this done or if your husband's ex wife decided to do it. I once had a neighbor who bleached her 6 year old daugther's hair blonde. I was so disturbed by it. I feel the same in your case as well.

This is late but wanted to comment. Yes, 9 is too young. I believe that our daughters need to have something to look forward to. They want to grow up too quickly. Each stage is special and they need to enjoy them.

When our daughter turned 13, she got highlights and a cut. I also gave her a ring I had received when I turned 13. She could wear mascara and lip gloss but nothing else. Each stage 13, 15 16, 18 and 21 needs to be special. If we let them grow up at 9, what is there to look forward to?? My daughter is now 20. She will be 21 in August and we are going to San Antonio to "celebrate". Just the girls! How cool is that?

You are not being too strict, 9 is definitely too young to have highlights! I wonder the same thing as Jennifer; did she ask for this or is it her mom's idea? Could this, perhaps, be her way of having a "girlfriend" bonding experience with her mom? (or her mom with her?) I am not sure what other reason she would have for letting a 9 year old have highlights. That would certainly be out of the question for me!

Just wanted to say that I let my 4 year old get purple streaks. It's just hair. Why not let her have fun with it?

I'm another one posting to this topic so late...but just wanted to give my 2 cents worth. :) My daughter is 6 years old...will be 7 on 2/15. Her hair is gorgeous!! She's got thick, long, spiral curls that seem to fall into place. Why my own naturally curly hair doesn't act the same, I'll never know! Anyway, I went to a beauty supply store to buy some shampoo and conditioner my stylist told me about and my daughter was with me. She saw all the colors of hair dye and decided she didn't want auburn hair anymore....she wanted...PINK. I laughed and told her no way!! She talked about getting pink hair for months on end. Just before halloween this year I went back to get more conditioner and ended up picking up a small pack of hair color that is NOT permanent. We streaked her hair with pink and purple. She dressed up....we did make-up, painted finger and toenails and had a blast. I took a million pictures as she became a "model" and my living room became a run-way. We had a blast. After the pictures were done and she'd danced and sang her way around the house a dozen times, we went out to lunch. It was a great mommy/daughter day for us.

Do I think she'll want something more permanent? Possibly. Do I think she'll want do to something drastically different from everyone else? Absolutely! Will I say yes to everything she ever asks? Not a chance in the world. However, there are enough things that I MUST say no to. There are big issues that I can't or won't compromise on. The color of her hair?? That is the least of my worries. I, too, choose my battles with care.

I just wanted to give you kuddos for be able to compromise and come to a workable solution! Nice job. I have my niece who is 9 years old. I WISH she would take some pride in her hair. Most days I have to harass her just to get her to brush it! LOL However, if she came to me and asked for highlights I would look at it this way... If that's the worst/most dramatic thing she is asking for, I will count my blessings. After all, to us it is only hair but to them it is something they can change and control in an effort to make a statement, or show off their personality. And as long as the highlights were natural looking and in good taste...well, again great job picking your battles. And I am glad that everyone involved is satisfied with the end result.

Being a step-mom is hard, especially when the biomom wants to do something that you don't necessarily agree with. Doesn't matter how long you've been "raising" the kid, suddenly "you're no my mom anyway!" comes up. So sad.

I agree that as the step-mom you have to flexible. You gave your opinion, your husband used it and the biomom came back with another option. So it goes.

I remember dipping my bangs in bleach when I was around 9-10 to try and get it to be highlighted. When it started bubbling and fizzing I pulled it out and luckily didn't get any in my eyes or nasal orifices... what a dumb kid I was. But my mom wouldn't let me dye my hair until I was 16. My grandma whispered that she used to squeeze lemon juice in her hair then sit in the son during the summer to get light hair. Since it was almost always summer where I grew up, I tried that and my mom noticed a bit, but didn't say anything. Did gramma get in trouble? I don't know, but I didn't. I felt like gramma and me had a secret, which was awesome at that age...

GOOD JOB MOM!!!! I feel you made the right decision. My daughter had highlights at age nine and is still an average nine year old with great grades and wonderful friends. My son has also had a mohawk in sixth and seventh grade and is allowed to express himself as long as he gets excellent grades (he is in advanced learning classes with a 4.14 grade). Both of my children are amazing and loving children. We are an extremly close family and theese little things will pass.
Oh, by the way my daughter is in seventh grade now and has no color in her hair and my son is in Eighth grade and has an average every day haircut. None of us are guranteed anything in this life and you need to live it to the fullest. Again, GOOD JOB MOM!!!!

Good move! I look at this as mostly an issue of her and her bio mom getting to do something fun together. I think you made a good compromise.

To those talking about chemical exposure: My mom gave me *Perms*! What do you think that did to me? LOL.

9 years old getting highlights and you said she gets good grades and so forth. getting good grades is something our kids should be doing any way. we have to be more responsible with what we allow our kids to do, stop trying to be their friends and please their flesh. next it's going to be extra piercings, then tight clothes because the other girls are doing it, then tattoos, see, it's gonna get worse, and you'll be saying later, what in the world have i created. let me give you a same difference scenerio - some years back, a step mom said she would always tell her step daughter no, you can't go to the go-go's in the city, and that one night she gave in, she got the phone call that she was shot and killed on the inside. i saw her interview and she said, my god, why did i let her go!

I think 9 years of age is far too young to be highlighting hair. If the mother is willing to allow her to have that done now, what will she be looking for next year? Maybe a visit to the hairdresser for a new haircut of her choice (within reason for her age) is all that would be necessary to make her feel special. Save the visit for highlights, light soft highlights, not chunky ones, for a special birthday gift when she's a teenager.

So you "allowed" her mom too? Does her mom not have any say so in anything? Sounds like you're being just a bit too controlling w/ her mom. If you continue to control what her mom can and can't do, when she becomes a teenager she's going to rebel against you, so keep that in mind. I really think it's a little crazy for the woman who suggested what's next a tatoo? C'mon, I've been coloring my hair since I was very young and have no desire to ever have a nasty tatoo. Sounds to me like the little girl is doing what every little girl wants and that is to look pretty.

I know I'm late here but 9 is way too young. Finished business, no analysis, no too strict, no overprotective, just plain too young. 9?!?! Why is this even a question? Highlights are something we can do when we are old enough to pay for them ourselves. I put them in the same category as piercings other than ears and tatoos. No. Good luck!

J.

ps - what's next? Acrylic nails?

What I have noticed and wondered with young girls getting highlights and manicures/pedicures is that they have nothing to look forward to as adults. That becomes the status quo. Their poor husbands will be forced to top those luxuries later in life. If they can't afford them, will there be disappointment?
So why not buy her a coach purse like all the high school girls in McKinney? Gosh by the time she gets in high school she will expect Chanel!
I have a HS girl, and we have made her save her money for such things that are "wants" not needs. She doesn't work, but she babysits and gets money from relatives for Xmas+Bdays. She has to save it and delay gratification if she wants it bad enough.
Good Luck!

Hi S.. Sorry for weighing in so late on this. I went through it with my own daughter. Early last summer (she turned 10 last August) my daughter started asking to get her hair "highlighted" - for her, being a darker blond, what she really wanted was DARKER highlights! I was dumfounded because I personally don't even wear makeup, let alone color my hair! Anyway, although I was very opposed to the idea I did not panic, but put her off for several months. Finally, on her 10th birthday I got her a home highlighting kit. I researched just about every kit on the market and picked out one that seemed as though it would not be too damaging to her hair and was pretty inexpensive. It was also a VERY subtle change. We had fun highlighting her hair together - even my 15 yr. old son got in on the act! She felt validated, didn't get a drastic change, and I'm pretty sure once she got it "out of her system" she heard my message that beauty goes far deeper than hair color. I have no regrets. By the way, she is top in her class, a fantastic musician, and thinks for herself, all characteristics I have repeatedly nurtured. And she even likes clothes from Target or from thrift shops! Like me, sounds like you're blessed with a really great child in your life - I'm so glad to hear you treasure that, and that you pick your battles!

I know this is late but 9 years old is WAY too young!! How about your other daughter at age 11. Is she going to ask for that too? It just sends the wrong message that girls this young think they need to do something to improve their looks. There is already so much pressure on kids that they do not need to be thinking about their looks. This is so sad.

highlights aren't going to turn a kid into a smut.. if she has good guidance..her hair color, nail color or color of anything shouldn't matter in her decision making. Being only 20, i went thru the same thing.. not @ 9 years old, but in middle school/high school i wanted to dye my hair alot.. and i did, i never have & never will go around sleeping with the neighborhood because my hair is a certain color. 9 is a bit young.. for a 9 yr old, get her those silly things you can put in and take out of hair easily.. they have probably any color she could imagine.. best of all, no chemicals.. it's fake, removable and interchangable.

guess i'm too late :)

It sounds like her mom needs to stop asking you guys about what to do with her daughter's hair. Too many cooks in the kitchen here.

With any childrearing issue, just stop and think: "Will this MATTER when I stand before God?" If not, be flexible. If so, stick to your guns. Every child is different just as every parent is. Be lighthearted, be composed, be resilient, and be STRONG! You truly can be ALL of the above.

Hi S.,

I have raised 2 girls. now 23 and 18, believe me this is only the start of things to come, she's following other girls and is trying to be older. keep a very close eye.. trust me. and 9 is too young for any of that. I remember when my daughter started this. you give into one simple request she will be coming for more. who knows, piercings? to me girls just try and grow up to fast..good luck..

Hi S., Relax and go with the flow if all she wants is a couple of small highlights let her have them! My girls all wanted highlights when they got into 3rd/4th grade and as long as they were reasonable I figured there would be bigger more important battles to worry about later on...and I was right. Letting my girls experiment with their hair a bit when they were younger gave me the chance to argue reasonably with my oldest when she wanted to color her hair black in 7th grade! Every girl wants to have their own "look" and yet be part of the "in" crowd and you have to compromise and choose your battles wisely now as she starts to get older and begins to look for herself. As much as I hate to admit it, girls are far more mature at a younger age today. This is just the first of many issues and really in the long run isn't that important when you stop and think about it....but don't be surprised if your older daughter wants to step up and do the same with her hair if you decide to compromise. Best wishes.

I know you have already decided but I too wanted to chime in my 2cents of momhood, I am the mom of a 23 yr old who is about to graduate university and enter law enforcement. that said, when he was in elementary school the craze was to get one ear pieced (think punk era late 80s early 90s) and die the hair in chunks. Rather than give in to my child (key word) I made him earn it with grades for a whole year. he went the entire year of 6th grade pulling A's so after graduation I took him to get his ear pieced (yes there were conditions, he could not wear anything other than a small 10pt diamond stud period), in Jr high saggy pants dying hair black piercings etc were everywhere and continued through high school...

You have set pick and choose the battles with your children, but if they want highlights or to get their ears pierced or a tattoo or whatever...... make them earn it.... make them work for the reward do not just hand it over, when they earn it it is much more appriciated.

I question (with no disrespect) if at 9 she wants highlights what is she going to want at 12 and then again at 15... at 9 let kids be kids life is too short and todays kids dont get to just be kids without peer presure and advertising gimmicks and trends and fashion being thrown in their faces for us to buy or do everything they see..

JMO...

S., don't know how I missed this the first time around (I suppose the holidays got the best of me!) so I'm a little late to the fray. But I just wanted to add a few words of encouragement and support.

I know you've heard the phrase, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Just remember the second half of that phrase ... "It's all small stuff."

No, not really. But MOSTLY it is all small stuff. Step-dtr is in honors classes. She does well in school and is involved in solid, character-building extra-curricular activities. She is not troublesome or requiring a great deal of parental intervention. She is, in short, self-sufficient and trust-worthy. Being only nine at the present, you can anticipate many ... make that MANY more such episodes of parental doubt and indecision. At 14, she will want to dye her hair black. At twelve, she will want a belly button ring. At 16 she will want a tattoo! OMG! Some of her requests may have long-lasting repercussions (i.e. tattoos and body piercings) but with other things, like dying her hair or getting some outrageous, freaky haircut (or getting her hair shaved to 1/4 inch or something!)... It isn't permanent. Don't stress too much over it. With so many parents to deal with, every decision in her adolescent life will be a major episode. As long as she maintains her high quality of performance in school and there are no apparent mood or attitude changes, it's just testing her identity. Don't sweat it. Stay calm. Stop and think what effect her request might have a year later. If the answer is 'none' or 'almost none', it's probably a fairly benign request. As long as you and/or another parent discuss the request with her and keep her on track for the things that are really important, such 'radical' experiments will do her no harm.
And, like I've always said ...
Be strong. Raising kids 'ain't no job for sissies'!

My view has always been if you have good grades, you can do what ever you want with your hair. Except black dye is vegetable dye only. Chemical black dye can cross the brain membrane. It is only hair..cut it and it grows.

hi S., i don't have any stepchildren but i am a hairdresser for 29yrs & i would never highlight a 9yr olds hair regardless of good grades ect. i hope she didn't do it. i feel if you do all those "cool" things now what on earth will she have to look forward to when shes a teenager? kids today are growing up so fast & it breaks my heart when i see little girls waring make-up (to school) as well as the very inopperiate clothes they ware. i have 3 boys so i don't have to deal with all that, but i come from a family of 5girls & my sisters have girls, i like to play dress up with them when there here, but i love it best when there going home & i don't have to raise them. good-luck & if she did do it & you hate it you can always color her hair brown again. T. mother of 3boys 25,22, & 2 1/2

I have a 13 year old that I allowed her to get streaks and then dye the streaks a color. I believe you should let them express themselves. People are just way too quick to judge people anymore. I would use it as a tool first. Does she get good grades.. Make sure earn it somehow. Unless she is a straight A student who does everything that she is asked. Then by all means she deserves to have her hair streaked. Its just hair, it can be cut or dyed back if she doesnt handle things right. And the one who said... whats next a tatoo.... please. just because you let them dye their hair doesnt mean you would let them mark up their body permanetely for LIFE. And yes they will ask for the piercing and tatoos way before they are ready. My son of 18 asked when he was 12 and my daughter of 13 is asking now for a nose piercing. My feelings on with them on that is this is something you are doing to your body that will last a life time. Lets wait awhile and ponder it over if you still want it when you are 16 we'll talk. With my son when he was 16 he never asked, never brought it up... now that he is 18 he's not sure if he wants one anymore. That way you are not saying NO its forbidden and they feel like they have some control.

I'm also putting my 2 cents in here late............why is it so hard for parents to just say "no"? Also, when was the last time you saw a photo of a 9 yr. old on a package of highlights/haircolor at the drugstore??

I think you did the right thing. My daughter had the same highlights just something natural when she was younger. Now she is 16 and has moved on to try different colors I take her to one of the best salons(Toni & Guy)we have known our stylist who runs the shop for 15 years. They keep it toned down and she always looks very cute when she is done. Like you said she is a great student and so is my daughter. I feel as long as she does well in school and her behavior is good then I have no problem with her expressing herself. Letting her get her own cut was also a great idea letting her have some say so will show her you trust her and that you also value her opinion.
P.
Colorado Springs, Co

I know it's too late and it seems only one poster got to the REAL issue. Its CHEMICALS!!! A 9 year old is still delicate and hair dyes are all chemicals. Im sure you are careful about what your daughter eats, why would you allow her to be exposed to chemicals simply because she wants to look grown up? Research hair dyes and then when she wants to redo it show her the dangers.

Hi S.:

Don't let the other people tell you that you're being too controlling...someone has to be...we're talking about a 9-yr-old girl and her Mom who thinks it OK to highlight her hair. it's good that you care enough to be concerned about it!

A 9-yr-old? Not in my house...absolutely too young.
When young girls do things that older girls do...it can be confusing...when 14 yr-olds are acting like 16 yr-olds, and 16 yr-olds are acting like 18 yr-olds, that's when the trouble starts...pretty soon the 18 yr-olds are acting like 22 yr-olds, and they're not ready for it.

I tell my daughter to enjoy being a kid, she won't be much longer.

Good luck!

S.

S.,

It seems that it is possible that her mother wants to do something special with her and sees this as something to do. It may be a good idea to step back and examine why highlights in her hair bothers you. If you are really adamantly opposed to it b/c it sends the wrong message, she is too young, etc then stick to your guns. However, when I was young my mother would not allow me make choices about my own body (like dying my hair, cutting it anyway I wanted etc)and I rebelled. I never understood why my hair was a problem for her. With my own kids, they can dye their hair as they wish but must wear respectable clothing (I did my best to pick my battles). My son could care less about having blue hair anymore. I think letting him know that it is his hair and if he wants to look like that, then so be it but he must have his pants around his waist. I negotiated.

Although 9 seems sooooo young to get highlights, what are the real consequences of it? Will she grow up too fast? Will she start dating early? ETC. If the consequences are all negative, again, stick to your guns. But I have learned to chose my battles and let them have some of the things I may not like.

Hope this helps and keep being a good mom. You obviously care about her so much!

This is late, but, great decision, nice compromise. Although you're RIGHT that she is too young, you can bend a little bit. Just don't make this have you thinking that you need to give in or bend to everything that comes along in the future - tattoos, piercings, dating, clothing choices, are all different things to be decided individually and you can say NO to any or all of them.

Well Liston lady I got highlights when I was 8 going on to third grade it did nothing to me I get super good grades in school in I'm no dummy and why are u sharing your daughters wants on the Internet it does not mean she's goth because she wants highlights and I say I would not die her hair at that age but u ppl are a bunch of old ladies on the Internet going no not my baby asking for highlights you kids get off my yarn oh Mary I cracked my back boom u ppl just got served ( if the 9 year old knew u were posting this she would think of u as a an old lady dream breaker ) poor kid :(

Generally speaking, my opinion is that a 9 year old girl does not need that done to her hair, but this is a decision to be made between the mother and father.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

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S., I actually gave my SON blond tips myself! He was in 4th grade at the time, and it was quite the elementary school fad amongst the boys. It was a lot of fun for both of us, and when they grew out, he never asked for more. As a former bald chick (6 1/2 yrs out from chemo!), I realized that it's JUST HAIR. I think it's actually going to be a good lesson for yoru step daughter to learn that while highlights may seem cool at the time, it's a big decision that has loads of other ramifications. When the roots begin to grow out, she'll see the results. By treating it as a way for her to make her own decisions, she's going to learn that she's a capable young woman who can learn for herself. Yeah, the chemical thing is an issue, too, but it's not the whole head, just a couple of highlights. She gets more exposure to the noxious stuff by eating processed foods, I'm sure. So don't sweat it! Have a fun day with it!Thanks for bringing this up!

I am a mother of 5-3 of them girls. I can't believe anyone would make a big deal out of a few blonde highlights on a child who is deserving of something 'girly' by behaving good and making good grades. If anything, it's great for her self-confidence. There is too much to worry about in this world other than some highlights. Ugh

Just adding my two cents in. I agree and think 9 is too young. My step-daughter (mom has primary custody) has been getting highlights since she was about 12. Normally they are very natural looking. I didn't agree with it, but what were we supposed to do. My daughter (she was 6 then) at the age of 8 started asking to get her hair highlighted. The girls at school (3rd grade) had started getting their hair highlighted and colored. She had it coming from all directions. We decided last summer when she was 9 to use the Sun-in stuff that you can get just about anywhere. It grows out pretty easy so maintaining it wasn't a big deal. She used it twice and hasn't asked about it since. It looked beautiful in her hair, which is normally dirty blonde. I'm waiting to see what happens this summer, but am not quite as opposed to using the stuff now. Now we didn't use it like crazy and it was at least a month before we used it again. But at like $5, you can't beat it. We learned from some Tv model-type show that you should wet the hair, and single out just a few strips to use it on, then blow dry it for the best effect. It made both her and I happy. We're trying to hold fast on the no-cell phone policy. Those are flying around the school even worse than hair issues.

I think the mom wants to feel like she has something of her own with your daughter...since she doesn't have custody. It could be a control thing...which is fine for now with something of this nature. Not one response did I notice the financial aspect on this....these treatments get costly, and that is an unnecessary expense for someone of that age. Hopefully the mom will realize that and forgo the next treatment, so be ready for her to ask you to do it later on. Make sure she knows how much these things cost and it might be more important to buy a new pair of shoes when her feet get too big!

It's too youg!!!! What's next, a tattoo?

Though this is after the fact, our school district solves the problem here. In the dress code, it states there can be no extreme hair coloring for students, and for teachers, too. It is highly recommended that the elementary students have natural hair color and no extreme hair cuts. You might check with the district to see if she is within dress code policy for her age.
I also see the mom did compromise, and have 2 small streaks as opposed to 3 bold streaks. It is great that you are working together.

I personally know that some elementary schools have highlighted, crazy colored hair in their list of not to dos in the dress code. Feeling is it can be saved for middle school. I agree, especially along with the slutty outfits that are being pushed for young girls today.

She should definitely not get highlights. Who is the parent here? A good mother would do research and research shows that getting highlights before the age of 18 raises your chance of getting cancer by a lot. But, hey on her way to getting a deadly disease she'll be really COOL with highlights at age 9.
I find it hard to believe that a normal 9 year old would even know about highlights-sounds to me like maybe her mother put the idea in her head. Next time something SO dangerous comes up, be armed with facts so that they can't say no to you and your husband. Good luck.

S.,
You've received several posts agreeing with you, and I agree that nine years old is too young. If this is a "special thing" for Mom, perhaps you could suggest letting her get a manicure ~ NOT fake nails, but a manicure/pedicure might cost around the same as a salon would charge for highlights, & this would give her something special to do with your step-daughter. If your step-daughter REALLY wants highlights, then perhaps the three adults should sit down together WITHOUT her to discuss this issue. While I agree that nine is too young, everyone should know why SHE wants highlights. Is it b/c someone else she knows got them? Does she want to look more "grown-up"? I think the why is more important than the what. Also, if your step-daughter is set on highlights, could you compromise & let her wait until summer & use a natural product? Or maybe even use it as a reward for something ~ grades, behavior, etc.? Just a few thoughts. I know that we went through this with my step-son. At around 11 he wanted to dye his hair ~ for a while he wanted bright pink, then he wanted neon green. He finally decided he wanted to be goth/emo & wanted jet black hair around 15. We said no to all of them. (He has fair skin & black hair would be VERY unnatural for him ~ also, it was more about rebellion than hair for him.) Not surprisingly, shortly after he moved out @ 17, he dyed his hair black. I am ECSTATIC to say that he only did it a few times, and for whatever reason stopped dyeing his hair. It is now back to it's normal color. (THANK GOD!) All of that to say, the best advice I can give you is to figure out the why behind it before worrying about any of the rest of it.
Blessing to you for making your blended family work! :)