8 Year Olds Mouth

All kids back talk, no matter what age. My 8 yr. old son is bad at it too. He also raises his voice to me. I've taken to popping him in his mouth. The first time I popped him, he didn't do it for about two weeks. The second and third times (just last Fri and Sat.), he anticipated the pop, but I popped him any way. He's getting much better at thinking before he talks back. I told him I can keep popping him longer than he can back talk.

It is no excuse, but I think it is the age. My daughter is 8 and I have the same issues which we are working on. My best friend has an 8 yr. old daughter who also has the same problem. Hopefully it is just a stage.

There is a program called "1-2-3 Magic" that our center offers. It's a series of 13 videos ranging in length from 5 minutes to 30 minutes that deals with "annoying behaviors" like backtalk. It's an excellent method of discipline that a lot of schools use and its two main rules are "no talking, no emotion" - meaning that as the parent/disciplinarian, the goal is for you not to end up yelling or frustrated. It helps your 8 yo, with a little time and patience, to clearly understand what behaviors are acceptable and what behaviors are not, and aids them in that by setting up clear "consequences" with a built-in "warning" system. We've used this method with my 2 yo and it's amazing. I only have to say "Hayden, that's one." and whatever he's doing stops. The key to this method is consistency, and following those two rules of no talking, no emotion, especially with an older child. If you want to see those videos, you can call my office at 643-HOPE. If Kettering is too far away, many other CPCs offer it and we could probably locate one near you. Good luck! :)

I wasn't sure my oldest son was going to survive 8. I think it is a matter of setting a hard line and sticking to it. I learned with him (and it has seemed to be the same with the two following him) that the minute we engaged in a discussion or argument with him it went downhill because he had already one. Why were we justifying ourselves to an 8 yr. old? When we would tell him something and he started to say something back we would say, "This isn't a discussion. I said what I have to say and that's it." and WALKED AWAY. Nothing else is said about it. If he continued he was sent to his room. You can't get into a fight that you are not present for. If he gets smart with you, then off to his room. The key thing for him to understand is that he can't be in your presense with that behavior. It is intolerable.

You might consider letting his need to argue work for you. Create a "debate night" once a week. Pit him against you or dad alternately. Pick some topics then let him decide the one he wants to debate and if he is taking the pro or the con. Help him research and define his arguments and then let him debate the other parent. This will do alot of good things for him. One is it will give him someplace appropriate to flex these muscles he has recently grown. It will also teach him the appropriate way to state a differing view point. It will teach him to make sure he knows what he is talking about before he speaks. It will teach him to listen because he has to know what the other person is saying to be able to defend his point. He will gain some really good skills in processing info and speaking his point of view. Then when he gets fresh or mouthy you can say, "Hey! Save it for debate night or go to your room."

I am with you on this K.. My oldest is about to turn 8 and she thinks she owns the world! MY husband and I let her know it is not respectful when she talks to us this way and she usually cleans up her act. I truly believe it is an age thing that will pass in time as long as you emphasize that it is not appropriate to talk that way!! I always take something away that she really likes when she behaves this way. Try it!!

Hello K..
I have kinda been on both ends I guess I could say. I have been that mouthy kid at one time, and now I have a mouthy kid. But the way I was dealt with was harsh and cruel. How I do it with my daughter is I now sass her back and show her how it feels, even though it sounds very childish, she has started respecting me a lot more. Also I have talked to her to see where majority of its coming from. Alot of the time she will tell me that she had a really good day at school, then next she will blow up and start fighting or screaming at everyone. I found out that a lot of times its between home and school that she's having problems. She rides the bus home, and she has a lot of friends, but because we won't allow her to go to A certain friends house her so called friend started problems with her. Calling her names and making up things to get my daughter into trouble. She don't want to sound like a tattle tale or hurt anyone or get anyone into trouble, she decides to bottle it up and of course comes out on us or her 2 sisters. Its chilled out a lot since I sit down and talk to her and the girl don't ride the bus any longer. It makes it so much smoother. I hope you and your husband can work things out with your son, before it gets too late. I would suggest counceling if it seems a little more out of hand. Also recongize when its sarcasm from bad mouthing. I don't know how it goes about at your house, but my house everyone here has a pretty good sense of humor and we try to keep it that way. If its not so bad, we ignore the mouthiness, but when it gets pretty bad we have either to talk about it and try to figure out a way where no one would get upset even though a few of us already are or if its to the point where your blood is boiling we set TIME OUTS!! They are never too old for that. Just like a good swat sometimes, just to get their attention. I'm against spanking and never really had to go that far, but thought about it a few times. I just make sure that they know that I love them and I do support them, I just don't agree with that kind of temper or that kind of talk. We RESPECT each other here. Even though sometimes there are some fall backs, we try to keep everything in a calm matter.

K.-
you did not state what tactice you have tried. I have taken away snacks, or grounded from playing out side with friends or the next calledto be scheduled play date 9 which I explain to the other parent it is because of my childssmart motu ) after school.Once I took away dinner I a stuck too it. I have also not allowed my kids to go to soccer practice or agame (t-ball etc) usually for eacg kid it happened once adn then i just have to threaten to take it away and it stops. I have also washed the mouth out with soap... once.....you really have to figure out where it hurts the most and stick to what ever you say.. of course you may be doing that I am not sure.
Oh BTW-
My neighbors and I have noticed that if we allow our kids to watch the DISNELY CHANNEL SHOWS IE PHil of hte Futre, Hannah Montanah, Drake and Josh.... their smart mouths are worse. They see it on TV think its funny and Okay because it is on all the shows and try it at home. We no longer have access to that channel and while my kids BALKED at that at first. they arenow outside playing and their mouths have cleared up!Hope that helps.

Hi K....I have 5 children, all different ages, and I too have experienced that with at least one of them. I have found that it takes a lot of time and effort and consistency on my part to try to nip that issue in the bud. My temptation has been to join in with the escalation and that just makes it worse. I found that the episode subsided more quickly if I was firm, remained calm and continue to model respectful words, to everyone. Some children just have that disposition and it is difficult. I have counseled by several counselors to be firm in not honoring the child's requests until they are speaking to me in a respectful manner. I will not get them anything, do anything for them, take them anywhere, etc., basically no movement on their behalf, until they show that they can treat me with respect. Hope that helps! Bless you.

I know you miss your sweet little boy, but that boy is growing up. I've dealt with this with my own son, it gets worse with a daughter, my sister has four times now, and I can tell you to stay persistent. Sit him down, with your husband and tell him right out what your rules are. Remind him that there will be NO disrespect in your house or anywhere near you. You work hard to make sure your family is provided for and he has absolutely NO right to disrespect the one who'se provided for him all these ears. Have your husband say a few words about the importance of his treating you right. If, on the streets, you were disrespected e would get angry at the person doing it because you are his wife. NO one disrespects his wife and gets away with it. and NO one will disrespect you under your roof.

My sister and I have used the naughty chair/step/rug/corner with all our kids. ( I have 4, she has 7 ) and after a while they stop using it when they've reached a certain age. What really did it for my and her kids was taking the mouthy one, sitting them down and talking to them like they were 3. Telling them what they did wrong and that they have to sit there and think about what they did bad. Then, after about 20 min. ( not 8,, he's old enough to have more time added to him ) make him apologise for his actions. It took one time treating my son like a baby and he stopped. There were setbacks, because he saw his buddies doing it and thought he'd push it a little mofre, but STAY ON TOP OF IT.......But if he's going to act like a baby who has no control over their mouth, they'll be treated like one.

Good luck.. I know this is hard, and he'll not stay mad at you at all after you've done this, I assure you. Let him go and vent somewhere and then go talk to him. Tell him how much it breaks his mothers heart when he talks like that... He'll stop.
A.

My son is 13 years old and has done this forever. When I holler at him for it he says what??? Like he really doesn't know that the way he is talking is talking back. At least yours doesn't have a sibling that he is always bickering with....lol. I think its a boy thing and hopefully some day he will get through it. Good luck!!!

My daughters pre-school teacher suggested a wonderful book about disciplining children. It's called "1-2-3 Magic". She has seen good results in her classroom using the author's methods. We're starting to implement them with our 2-year-old daughter who is very independent and strong-willed ;) Gookluck!

I treat back talking the same way that I do any other behavior issue. I start by telling him that's enough, drop it. If he persists, I issue warnings. He never ever, gets to warning 3 anymore. In fact he usually stops when I say drop it. At warning 3 it is time on the wall. I've made sure that he understands that I'm the parent and my decisions are non negotiable. I won't allow him to question my every decision or statement. Good luck, Shannon

My advice? Tell him you don't like it in a firm voice, give him an "I mean business look," then drop it.
I have to imagine that part of the reason that he does it is the response he gets. If you just leave it short and sweet, giving him the information he needs (that you don't like it), it might help.
This way, you leave the burden on him, if that makes sense. If you start yelling, or punish him, his internal focus isn't on HIS actions and the effect they have anymore. It's on you, how "mean" you are etc. In a way, it absolves him of any guilt he might have felt.

I really recommend Anthony Wolf's Secret Of Parenting (the subtitle is something like how to be in control of todays kids without punishing or threatening). Some days, I'm really glad I have the SOP tools!

K.,

I know the feeling!! I have an 8 year old lil girl who is going on 20!! Her mouth drives me crazy!! My mother says it is an age thing, (if it's this bad now, I am definitely not looking forward to the teen years!) What I do and seems to be the only thing that works the best. When my daughter says something inappropriate, snooty, rude, etc. I point out to her what was wrong with the comment she said, or how rude, nasty she is being. (I think b/c she is a girl I have an advantage of using the lil ladies don't act that way line!) The second rude or nasty comment of the day, I tell her again what is wrong with the way she is talking and send her to her room for 5 minutes, after 5 minutes then I talk to her again, but make her tell me what she did wrong (to make sure she understands why she was sent to her room). Sometimes we need longer then 5 minutes because the understanding of what she did wrong conversation does not go well either. At first this did not slow down her attitude, but being constant with the punishment in her room has helped!! Hope this helps!!

Ah yes! The mouthiness... unfortunately, some of this is normal at this age, and may get worse before it gets better... and I HATE IT!!!
It is extremely important to listen to the way you and your husband speak to each other and to the kids - it should be respectful, because you are modeling the acceptable way of speaking to others. This applies to any adult he spends a lot of time with.
Getting alarmed and angry doesn't work because he may love the "show" and the power he has... he may be attention-getting. Although you may wish to wash his mouth out with soap, the recommendation is to explain calmly that his disrespectful way of speaking to you is unexceptable. If he would like to discuss something, he will have to speak with respect. Then next time, stay calm, ask him to rephrase what he just said. If he refuses, ignore him, walk away (hardest part), but don't let him win by getting a rise out of you.
Also, don't forget to compliment his respectful times either verbally or by giving him a couple of minutes of undivided attention, thus rewarding the behaviors you want to see more often.
Have patience and be persistent!

Just curious, how long have you and your husband been married?? Does your son get to see his dad?? Does his dad promote the back talking, in revenge towards you??
Is your daughter by his dad also, or by your current husband?
If you and your boy used to be real friendly and have a great relationship, maybe he is striking out because of having a step-dad.
Maybe you need to once a week or so, have a "date" with just you and your son.
Many years ago, a mother told me she did that with each of her children and she had 4. It was her/theirs special time with each child. I think the mommy/child date time might really be a big help with his mouth.
I have a 6 yr. old daughter that is mouthy, but the more time I spend with her, the less it is.

Hey K.! I think all kids get mouthy at some point testing boundaries. Your son is still your sweet little boy (just growing up). Fortunately, our children take their ques from us as parents. At times their actions are indicators of our own. They learn things from all around but mainly from the parents. Don't pull away from him get even closer he may just need a little extra attention from you right now. I noticed with my own that the more irritated I became the worse she became. If they are seeking attention even negative attention is still attention. So try being very present with your son talk to him and really listen. Decide to have good interactions with each other. Its also important to tell him you do not like him talking to you or anyone else that way and that he needs to stop it. There are always consequences to our actions positive and negative. But you also have to be careful and mindful of the interactions you have with him and how You are Being with him. Children don't have the vocabulary sometimes to explain in an adult-like manner how they feel. I'm on my way outside with my little one's to fly a kite and run them like crazy so they'll be too tired to run their mouth's later!! LOL! Best wishes and enjoy they grow up so fast!!