7 Yr. Old. Not Making Friends W/classmates

Dear M.,
It sounds to me that the Montessori school may have the same education philosophy as you, but they don't have a good handle on child management or development. It sounds as though he would do better at some other private school or a highly rated public school. I would look into either a Lutheran or Catholic School even if you do not have the same religious background or denomination. I have never seen it harm a child to have some religion teaching and these schools are usually more geared to student interaction and still have good education. I don't know where you live, but I can tell you the C-6 Fox School district is very good.J. B

I am a first grade teacher. This school just does not seem like a good match for your son. The teachers should try things like pairing him up with a partner to help him make friends. If he is having trouble making friends here I would try somewhere else. You do not want to damage his self esteem. Most first graders are very accepting of others.

As for the work problems, all first grade classes are going to be somewhat noisy. many homeschooled children have trouble adjusting to traditional schools because it is much more regimented and structured. I would ask that all uncompleted work be sent home for him to complete. This way you can see what is expected of him and how he responds. Hopefully you can help build s bridge between what is expected in a home school situation and what is expected in a more traditional school.

In response to Susan W., kids DO need to fit in to some extent. Yes, he may be different, which is fine, but he still needs to learn to socialize. There are psychologists in the St. Louis area who have special groups for kids to learn socialization skills. To some children this does not come naturally. The groups teach children about norms in society...not standing too close to someone in their "personal space," etc. M., your child is not the only one like this. "Different" is not bad, but maybe he just needs to actually be taught more than other kids exactly HOW to socialize. He definitely needs help, though, before it affects his self-esteem.

Hi M.:

Honestly, it sounds to me that he needs a different environment. I would consider transfering him to another school. Are you Catholic? Why not send him to a catholic school? Something obviously has happened or is happening at school that is the result of this behavior change. The teachers don't sound all that bright with what they're telling you.

Something just came to mind.... is it possible that because he's always been the center of attention - ie... when you're out in public, etc. now that he is in a setting with other children he's not getting the attention that he's used to - perhaps this is a way of getting attention...just a thought.

I had a similar experience with my son when he first started school (Kindergarten). He is in the First Grade now. He had a hard time adjusting to the social environment, especially during those times when adults are not entirely in charge of the kids (like recess, for example). First, I recommend a book called "Hold On to Your Kids." This book explains the difference between a peer-oriented child and a parent-oriented child. In our culture we think peer-oriented children are healthy, but in reality they are not. It is better that your son is more able to relate to you. My advice is to explain to him that it's not that important whether the other kids play with him or not. The teachers and adults are more important. They are the role models for him. The book explains this further, but other children are not good examples for your child to take.

I told my son that his teacher is the one who he needs to keep happy with him. If the other kids are being mean, they are not important. The teacher, being the adult, is more reliable and responsible (hopefully) in her treatment of him. The opinions of other kids are not reliable. They change from minute to minute, especially if they are trying to impress each other. I made sure that I was not forcing him to make friends, or making him feel bad that he wasn't. I made sure to tell him what a good friend does, and if kids weren't being good friends to go play somewhere else. It is more important to me that he knows how to identify good friends than the amount of friends that he has.

If your son feels pressured to make friends, maybe he's pushing the issue. At first, I was asking my son about it a lot. Then I realized that he was feeling badly that he wasn't fitting in with the crowd. I also discovered that that wasn't such a bad thing.

I really recommend that book. If I'm not making myself clear, I welcome any further comments or questions.

I don't know where you live, but you'd be better in a public school or a special private school. I had my daughter at a wonderful school The College School of Webster Groves from age 3 until 3rd grade. It is an experiential school that offers children a wonderful education. I took my daughter out of the school and into a public school because I found she needed more structure. She went into 4th grade getting straight As and is in 7th grade now and still maintaining a 4.0 GPA. I'm a single mom and have a home-based business. I thought about home schooling also but it really is better is they are away during the day and playing with kids.

I think you have your son in the wrong school - I feel this school is not meeting your son's needs and you should take him out immediately. I'd immediately put him in a public school for the rest of the year and see how he does. He might do really well - but it is important to get him out of a situation where he is being emotionally and mentally harmed.

If I were you, M., I would switch schools. Unfortunately, a lot of "private" schools have the tendency to wear blinders when it comes to behavior of other students depending on the size of the parents' checkbooks. Unfortunately, it's not going to change. Be smart about this before your son ends up hating school completely and continues to perform poorly.

Oh gosh; sounds like my social (to a fault) 8 yr old butterfly boy. 2nd grade; new school. Doesn't complain about not having friends, or when the phone doesn't ring for playdates (does it for 8 year old boys??). He also doesn't pay much attention to directions (has been tested and is not ADD). I think most of his problem is that he likes to make people laugh and so he is always focused on how to do so. He also loves attention so will do whatever he can to get it. I will follow up on your responses to see if there is any advice for us. I'm with ya sister! But boys, I tell ya, are different. And they learn different. Our teacher took a course and found that their retinas are shaped differently and so they learn better through movement. I'd try doing google searches on boys or get some books on boys. "Raising Boys" is one I have.

First of all, the way a Montessori classroom is set up is not for all kids. They seem really great but other children need a more structured setting which Montessori schools do not offer. Secondly, If the teacher is not responding to your child that teacher is not doing their job in the classroom in terms of what your child needs. My best advice, and I studied to become a teacher and know about certain classroom policies, is to find a school that has a more structured class time so your son knows when it is time to learn and time to play. When a class is more disorganized and is a free for all some kids will not accomplish what they are suppose to. Also knowing the difference between play time and learning time might help your son to concentrate better what little work a 7 yr old needs to accomplish in a school day. I'm not saying change your teaching philosophy, a structured setting can still have the same philosophy as a free setting, all I'm saying is that each child is different and needs to have those aspects taken into consideration. If the school he is at now does not uphold that then they are not catering to his style of learning and he needs to be moved to a different setting that will encompass his particular learning style better.

DON'T do what I did! I was advised to keep my kids in the school, and that they needed to learn to "adapt". It was VERY damaging to my daughter, and years later, I learned that some of the adults I trusted with my children were making matters far worse, and really picking on my child. Mean behavior was all around, and there was no punishment for cruelty, nor bullying. The girls were the worst, "setting up" other girls they were jealous of.

Your son is not just like all the other kids, so this makes him "odd" to them, and most of them don't know what to do with him. We have one like that in our family, and we KNEW that if he went to school, he would be in trouble, would be in distress, and that the school would try to get us to drug him. (Ritalin, anyone?) He was home-schooled VERY successfully, and is now in a private school where MEANNESS IS NOT TOLERATED. He's doing fine now, but you cannot leave your son there to be verbally abused, or even, as it seems with your son, physically abused. He will just grow more frustrated, and lose all confidence. M., I am a grandma, and just today, I came across the name of a 'girl' I was in school with who was mean to me. Her dad was a church leader, and so I kind of looked up to her and her family. She was so cruel that now, all these years later, I still hurt when I think about it. I hadn't thought about it in years, but those wounds are powerful, and sometimes, lifelong, and you have to guard your children. I'm not saying you should be an over-protective person whose child "never does wrong", but I think you need to make other arrangements! My children were at a Christian school, and I know now, in retrospect, that there wasn't anything "Christian" about much of the school. There were some wonderful teachers, but the leaders' children were the meanest, so it went on ALOT. Now those screwed-up kids have grown up, and are running the school---the meanest girl being the Principal now. There are great home-school support groups, and you can be successful at it if you want to. Maybe just for awhile.
BEST OF WISHES TO YOU.
Wommy

The teacher comments did not sound empathetic to me. Of course a kid should keep on trying to make friends in his classroom. I would definitely observe more or get him out of there. that may sound drastic, but it seems like he has had a drastic change in behaviour and the environment does not seem healthy. I am appalled that kids this young would refuse to befriend another child at all, and in fact punch hard enough to make a swollen eye under supervision. It seems to me the teachers are not doing their job very well. I say trust your gut; this is not the right environment for your little guy. I hate to see this continue to drain him of his loving behaviour.

God bless your little guy and family.