7 Year Old Son with Behavior Problems in School

Since I am not there, I can't make a judgement call on what behavior the teacher is seeing, but I do know that any teacher that would tell a young child that there is no peace when he/she is around has no idea what she is doing to that child physchologically. For her to always label "him" bad versus his behavior is a direct attack on his character. She is going to create an atmosphere of "why try", she has already deteremined what I am which is no good. I would be all over that teacher for that. For the record, I am a very strict parent that follows through with what I threaten, but I never tell my child she is "bad". I tell her that a certain decisions aren't good. That is going after what she can control, not her personally. If this teacher wants things to change, then she needs to look at her approach and work with you and the school to come up with a plan. These are the years that self-esteem is so important. The teen years are just right around the corner.

Good luck.

N.

School is absolute torture for some kids.

And, as Diane said, sometimes teachers just don't "click" with certain students. My younger son always clashed with "authortarian" style teachers in his early years, but would get along fine with more nurturing types.

Think about what you're trying to achieve with his education, and figure out the best way to do it in a way that 1) retains his natural love for learning; and 2) maintains his dignity as a human being.

For us, the best way to do that was homeschooling. My son really thrived with it (started in 3rd grade - now he's in 6th). Currently he attends class two days a week (all day) and does extremely well. He's also heavily involved in Karate (close to his black belt).

You just need to find what works for him, and be careful to not compare him to his sister. In my experience traditional school, as it operates today, is typically a much better fit for girls (though there are certainly exceptions to this rule).

Good luck to you and your little guy!

If you haven't had a conference with the teacher, call and make an appointment to do so. If your son's school has a counselor, talk with that person too. If neither of those conferences are helpful, make an appointment to talk with the principal.

Make a list of questions about your concerns. Have some examples in mind. Agree that he's a handful and ask what you can do to help. To start with assume that the teacher is being fair. Always assume she is doing the best that she can do. In other words don't accuse or say anything that sounds like this is her fault. Be as open minded as possible.

My granddaughter is now 9 and in the 4th grade and just last spring diagnosed with ADHD. Every teacher that she's had has told her mother that she talks too much in class, fails to focus or complete assignments, that sort of thing. My granddaughter and her mother have felt that the teachers were trying to help her in this situation. My daughter has liked all of her teachers, some more than others, and did not feel put down by them. Perhaps your son and the teacher do have a personality conflict. Or perhaps this teacher isn't able to be diplomatic.

Does she really use the word bad or does she describe a behavior which you judge to be bad? Needing reminders is not bad. It just indicates that he has difficulty focusing and is perhaps not responding to the reminder by returning to his work.

I would pay attention when he says, "no one likes me in school. All my friends say I'm not cool." This indicates to me that he is having difficulty with his peers as well as his teacher. Perhaps your son reacts negatively to his teacher's comments which then gains his peers disapproval.

I'm remembering the sort of student who clowns and makes "smart" remarks in class, thus disrupting everyone's work and pushing the teacher to react in frustration. You son would probably not do that when you're present. The student who disrupts in class is usually one who feels badly about himself. You could perhaps help him by helping him with feeling success by providing other activities.

Does he have friends with whom he has play dates? It might help if you arranged play dates during which you could observe how he gets along with his friends. Another thing that you could do is to observe him on the playground so that he can not see you. He may just need help in learning social skills so that he's not always pushing himself forward.

Perhaps he feels that he's in competition with his twin sister. She's "good" so he'll be "bad." Comparing them in front of him is apt to encourage him to continue acting up. Perhaps he hears this comparison in school. It's easy for twins to feel competitive. He may feel, unconsciously, that he can't be as good as her and thus go the other direction.

You don't say how you respond to your son in regards to the notes and his venting. Your response is an important part of his reaction. It's a good idea to support the teacher while being empathetic with your son. That is tricky, I know.

You say that while you're visiting the class you're there "to make sure he does what he's supposed to be doing." I understand the feeling that you're responsible for his behavior but that feeling is not helpful. Try just observing. Sit in the back of the room in a place so that your son cannot see you. Do not make comments. Be as invisible as possible.

It seems that many parents feel that they are responsible for their child's behavior and that is just not true. They are responsible for teaching their children how to behave but once the child goes to school they become responsible for their behavior. When the parent sees that their child is behaving in a way that they do not approve of they are then responsible for teaching their child the "correct" behavior. So please don't feel responsible. Be a neutral observer as much as possible.

The teacher may be saying something to your son and not the other children because she wants you to be aware of the behavior. Try to focus on the interaction between the teacher and your son, especially on how your son reacts to her comments. Also try to see if her comments may be an attempt at managing with humor. The comment about when you're absent we have peace and quiet can be said with humor. I've heard that said to my granddaughter and everyone, including my granddaughter laughed. She's aware that she talks all the time and that she should be quieter.

And there is hope. She is quieter and more focused now. I think the teacher she has this year has helped that progression. Her teacher is also high energy and a talker. She knows how to direct high energy kids.

If you can be calm and portray a sense of partnership with school people they will work with you to find a way to help your son be a better student.

I don't know what you mean by a behavioral health doctor. If he is someone who evaluates for ADHD did he do that? My granddaughter is now taking medication and that is a part of her improvement. Her mother refused to try that for a couple of years but finally gave in to see if it would help and it has.

I'm glad he's having success with his tutoring teachers. It might be helpful to talk with them about how his difficulties in the classroom and see if they have any suggestions. Do remember that working with a tutor one on one is altogether different than working in a classroom.

T.,
I hear you. I see this a lot in my practice. I work with families just like yours. Here is what one of my moms said recently: Kim, Mother of Amber, 6, Garrett, 10, and Shelby, 15
“After struggling in school for two years with not being able to focus and regulate his behaviour, my son, Garret, after 8 weeks on Barbilee’s nutritional program has not had one incident since September. Normally, he would have at least one incident a day and sometimes multiple! He school recommended I get him on a popular drug to help maintain his focus, I chose nutrition instead. He is able to focus and moderate his own energy so he can get the most out of his studies and relationships at school. We have noticed the change at home also. We are all on this nutritional program as our first step towards achieving optimal health!”

Kids who are "labeled" once, find it very hard not to be contiunally labeled. For an entire school year, Garrett was "being good" but was still "labled ". He got through it and his teachers are actually saying to him, "wow Garrett, you sure are a good kid!"

In my over 20 years of experience, it is not the child's fault. Environment (including how the teacher responds to him), food and other factors play a much larger role. If you want help, If you want answers, just connect with me.

B.
Family Success Coach
____@____.com

This may already have been said but it sounds to me as if the teacher is the one with the issues. No teacher should make sarcastic comments like that to your son. There are a lot of 7 year old boys who have a hard time being calm and quiet in a school setting (mine included) and he should not be made to feel as if there's something wrong with him. I would try telling the teacher this so he/she is aware that your son is unhappy at school and that the teacher's way of handling his behavior may have something to do with that. Teachers have a lot of kids to track, and sticking up for yours is the only way any change will happen.

Whether your son has a behavior issue or not, this teacher is being inappropriate. Her job is not to errode self esteem but to figure out how to help your child learn and get along in the classroom. Go to the principle immediately! Get your child out of that classroom NOW! This experience can cause him to dislike his entire educational career and could teach him that teachers are not safe and that he can not go to them for help. He deserves a teacher that is willing to make some effort to help him. Don't waste any more time.
K. (a mom, a classroom volunteer and a teacher's daughter)

It could be just what you said he does not click with this teacher. I am an educator and own a preschool I just had a similar situation in my kindergarten class. There was one child who has major anger issues which unlike you his mom would not face it or get him the help he needed. I had this little boy in my school since he was 2 and although we always had issues with him once he hit kindergarten his behavior was out of control. I couldn't even control him. And I had a very special relationship with him. My kindergarten teacher that was with me for five years left to relocate (mid year, that is a whole other story) and I was extremely rushed to find a replacement. The teacher I found was very nice, had great credentials so I hired her. She was very firm, and for some reason just did not click with this child. I know that because of his anger issues the prior teacher had a very easy approach with him but it did work. He had very few outbursts. He was the type of child that you could not raise your voice and you had to approach him in an even tone. Well this teacher was not having this she was going to change him. Needless to say the acting out had escalated to him hitting her, hitting his classmates, hitting himself, throwing things. I know there is something underlying with this child, however his mother is a child therapist and tells me that he is fine at home. I know that is not the case, but I could not make her see it. Point is this child and this teacher just did not get along. I like you would observe and see other children doing things and she would only focus on this little boy. Trust me I am not excusing his behavior or her behavior I am clearly saying that they just did not mesh well. Certain teachers have their own style and are not willing to bend. I had spoken to this teacher many times and asked her to try a different approach, but she felt that the other students would get more out of control if she ignored his behavior. Needless to say after dozens of conversations with his mom and dad who were in complete denial I suggested that maybe he needed a change. He had been in my school since he was 2 and maybe the familiarity or teacher change mid year was not a good thing for him. This was around two weeks ago and I am not sure where he is now. I can assure you when he does go to 1st grade he will be classified, however if a child with these types of issues are not with the right program or the right person in my opinion things will get worse. Your child is already showing signs of very low self esteem and having a teacher like this will only make him feel worse about himself, therefore having him act out more. I would suggest you request your child be moved to another teacher and see if he does better with a new teacher. I am very upset by her comments and no child should be told that the things your child has been told. I have always told my staff that when a child is getting to you call for help and take a break. Being a teacher is not easy and some children can wear you down, however that does not excuse her behavior even if it is said out of frustration. It is very unprofessional. I would go to the principal and tell him or her what you are experiencing and request he be removed from her class. Do not take no for an answer you have to be your child's advocate. Good luck!!

Hello, It sounds like the problem is not so much with your son as it is with the teacher. I observed a teacher who was very much like your son's. I had had two grandsons in her class. The first one was in her class when she was team-teaching with another kindergarten teacher. The second grandson was in her class (by my request) when she had no other teacher in there with her. That year wasn't too bad. I had taken grandson #2 with to volunteer with grandson #1's class. When the second one was in the class, I took grandson #3 with to volunteer. I then volunteered in there after both of our grandsons were out of there. The teacher's son (special ed and very large) also "volunteered" in the class. I observed many things which I tried to report to the principal. One of the things which disturbed me was exactly what this teacher has told your son. Her son would yell at the students, and tried to rip up one child's paper because his name wasn't on it. I was still working with that child. I told her son to leave it alone and had to actually take it from him. He tattled on my grandson because he didn't clean up toys immediately. The final straw was when she yelled at my youngest grandson because he didn't move fast enough. I never went back. I volunteer a lot in this school and would never recommend this teacher for any child. If I were you, I would have my son moved from this class. Go to the principal and if you don't get anywhere, go to the district.
As far as how your son is feeling about the other kids not liking him, the teacher has set the tone of the class. She has made sure that the other kids won't like him by pointing out that she likes it better when he is not there. This had created a "mob atmosphere" in which your son will be the victim.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

It sounds like you have done your homework. As an ex-teacher, I can say we are all only human. That means that this teacher COULD be bothered by something your son reminds her of. (Something obviously irritating)
I remember a lawyer telling me that, in jury selection, he always tried to make sure no juror he chose ever looked like his dad. Guess that was just too close to home.
Your son now has negative feelings too, so that is added to cloud the picture about what is going on.
This may require some kind of mediation from administration or some less emotionally charged person.

I am a teacher and can tell you that it is completely inappropriate for her to say some of those things to your son. I would immediately set up a meeting with his counselor and then the principal to discuss how to fix the damage that has already been done. Easily shown by the fact that the other students are making comments. I would then do two things.....get him in some sort of after school sport or activity if you can and then see about changing teachers.

Hello,
Your son's comment about nobody liking him in school or thinking he's cool gave me pause. I recently found out that my nephew, 12 years old in junior high, is starting to be bullied. I guess no one thinks he's "cool." He's a wonderful kid and I love him dearly. He's never been one to be interested in sports; he's more into art/video games, etc. Kinda quiet kid, too, and smart (he's in GATE). I googled childhood bullying and in my reading online came across something interesting and maybe it will help you, too.

Behavioral specialists have found that bullying often occurs because kids don't "fit in" with social norms. They miss social cues that other kids don't and thus that makes them react/act/"appear" different. We all remember how fitting in was SO important when we were kids; I certainly do.

Anyway, the researchers said that parents first should observe what, if any, social cues are being missed and then start working on that with your child in role playing, etc.

I could be way off from what you asked in your post, but like I said, his comment gave me pause. If he is missing social cues, this could be the issue with his teacher, as well.

Very best of luck to you and your family!

l would talk to the principle ...the teacher shouldn't be telling him that its more peaceful in class w/out him..i still remember my kindergarten teacher sitting next to me on a bench saying " you are no angel" then i told my mom and then my mom would say that throughout my life when i wasn't "good" these things stick with people...maybe work on quiet voice with your son..and hugging it out..my son was getting a lot of notes b/c of another boy in class..as soon as they moved the boy to another class the trouble stopped...so there may be a bad combo in the class. Maybe that's not the school for your children..could be the universe sending u a message to change..that's the way i like to look at things..but i think i would talk to the principle and i would talk to the teacher and ask what she thinks you could do to improve his behavior..give him some extra loving sounds like he's struggling poor guy...also sounds like he may be getting bullied by other kids and his teacher.

Updated

l would talk to the principle ...the teacher shouldn't be telling him that its more peaceful in class w/out him..i still remember my kindergarten teacher sitting next to me on a bench saying " you are no angel" then i told my mom and then my mom would say that throughout my life when i wasn't "good" these things stick with people...maybe work on quiet voice with your son..and hugging it out..my son was getting a lot of notes b/c of another boy in class..as soon as they moved the boy to another class the trouble stopped...so there may be a bad combo in the class. Maybe that's not the school for your children..could be the universe sending u a message to change..that's the way i like to look at things..but i think i would talk to the principle and i would talk to the teacher and ask what she thinks you could do to improve his behavior..give him some extra loving sounds like he's struggling poor guy...also sounds like he may be getting bullied by other kids and his teacher.

Well the only one who seems to have a problem with him, is his Teacher. And for her to outwardly say that "when he's absent it is so peaceful and quiet".... is really INappropriate. The other kids, probably just parrot her... and go by her cues about your son. Kids, CAN tell when a Teacher does not like a certain kid.

I would, talk to the Teacher, and tell her about this... and how she seems to single out your son. AND about how ALL the "professionals" (ie: the Behavioral Specialist & Tutors) do NOT have a problem with him. Get them to perhaps, put it in writing. You need to DOCUMENT this.

Next, his Teacher's attitude toward him, is now causing him STRESS and personal problems. I would document this as well. This is not right. And, the other kids are seemingly ostracizing him.... and making remarks/insults to him.

I would, deal with the Teacher, if not, tell the Principal your concerns.

Your son also has ADHD... does he have an Aide to work with him? The Teacher obviously cannot cope with him. And she takes it out on him.

All the best,
Susan

Well T. I believe you have done things right on target. You have sought Behavioral health, he has 2 different tutoring teachers (does he leave the classroom, like is this resource and speech?). I have been an aid in resource for 5 years. I love my job and the kids I work with are amazing, they just need small group time to help them along. I am also a mom of a TYPICAL boy. I had a 2nd grade teacher tell me son needed to be tested and she also told me she could push the issue with the district so that I would pretty much be forced to have him tested. The hard part is she was my daughter's teacher also and there were lots of comparisons. Does she not realize all children are different! Especially boys and girls, I mean HELLO!
It's not good for your son to already not like school. I would work on what you can do to ease his mind also. I would also request a meeting with the principal to have them understand that your son does not like coming to school and what has been said to him. The teacher can be present also. I would voice your opinion. You are your child's advocate. He can't be this young and not like going to school.
Also back to my son, yes my son was easily distracted too. I believe mostly because he was young when he started kindergarten. He was only 4 so he is always one of the youngest in the class each year. He struggles a little at the beginning of the school year, but then settles right in after Christmas break and is on target the rest of the school year. My son also scores very well on all benchmarks and can multi-task quite well. But this teacher continued to insist and insist. So basically he was labeled. As I am afraid your son is also. I can only say take it to the first level which is with the principal and go from there.
I understand your frustration. Hang in there!
~~D.

Complain complain complain about this teacher to the principal. Especially the disparaging remarks. SO uncalled for! Infuriates me!
Demand a different teacher!
Talk to the principal. Get your son on a contract (504 I think it's called) and make a plan between your son, the teacher, you and the principal. I promise, it WILL make a difference.
I've been there and I know. My son is a freshman now, but he has ADHD and we've been thru it all! The worst was his 4th grade teacher. Things didn't get better until the contract was written.
Sometimes students and teachers just DON'T click. My oldest is a dream child and I'm NOT exaggerating (High School Senior, athlete all four years, taking AP Honors classes and graduating with honors in The Cum Laude Society), BUT her 2nd grade teacher just did not like her and made that year horrible. In hindsight, I wish I had demanded a new teacher.
Stand up for your son now. And get used to doing so, you'll be doing for awhile. Good luck and blessings to all of you!

Have a private interview with the teacher andtell her what you told us ask her what her problem with your son good luck A. no hills

Hi T.,
It is sad that the situation you mention H. is not uncommon. Honestly, I don't think at all this is a matter of 'clicking", and you will have to find out what is really happening H.. While some people will sympathize with you, others will find a "problem" with your son. It is exactly right H., when you may want to have a nice and open dialogue with your kid, in a very casual way and ask him how his day is at school (good, sad, so so, etc...favorite things to do, things he dislikes, favorite subjects, favorite friend...not favorite friend....etc... and... a "why" whether is yes or no) Just do it like a normal and friendly conversation not all at once. Let him be at home for a few days and then use these days to talk with him. Out of school, he will be more relaxed.
Then, talk to his teacher, you have the right to know why his teacher is saying to your kid that when he is absent everything is quiet and peaceful. That is not right! That is a no-no. Depending on the outcome of your conversation with the teacher, and if you are not satisfied with it, go to the principal (even when at this point I would pull my kid out from that class immediately). The environment in a class is created by the teacher. She/he leads the classroom, so if the teacher has a wrong attitude. whatever it is, the rest of the kids will have the same attitude and reaction against/with somebody else.
It is true that kids should learn to deal with problems and confront certain issues; it is true that kids should learn problem resolution, BUT they should not accept or take any disrespectful or offensive attitude from anybody, and the teacher is being disrespectful. Little people deserve respect and consideration. IF....IF your son should have a "behavioral problem" (which I don't believe, and you already checked on this), you may want to say to the teacher that it is not the way to treat a child with a problem and she should be working in another field.
I always say this...and I say that again: YOU know your son better than anyone, and mom has instincts that I think you want to follow.... I am a mama bear with my kids. I know my kids and I know when is something wrong with them (I listen and I am open to suggestions and ideas, though but constructive ones)
Every kid is different, every kid has his/her own personality, temper, character, self-esteem, virtues and a different way to deal with people, things, life, and that does not mean that a kid should have a "problem" which is SO popular for people (teachers, doctors, counselors) to say these days!!! Many, many kids behave in the way we, adults, expect them to behave, that is nice.......this doesn't mean also that other kids who behave different or are more active or shy are bad, or they are having a problem. So...dear T., stand up for your son, and find the best way that suit you and basically suit your kid to give him the education he deserves and he needs. There are thousands of options to educate our children, from public, private, charter, schools....etc...to homeschooling. And the last option I mention H., is not about isolation,home schoolers have the very same opportunities of great academic and spiritual learning and wide opportunities for socialization. I have been there.
You have plenty of choices for your son, just look around you and find them.
Good luck and I am sorry I extended so much, but I don't like to see kids in this situation, It just breaks my heart.
I hope this helps
Alejandra