7 Year Old Daughter Acting Out

Seems to me she's pushing for tougher boundaries. You can't talk to her and think it's going to make a difference. It's not.

And don't offer her any excuses like is this happening because I'm not a good mommy. You are providing her with excuses and teaching her to blame her behavior on others and not accept personal responsibility for her actions.

You don't say what you have done other than talk to her. If that's all you've done, you are not providing her with the hard boundaries that she needs. Personally, I believe, especially at this point, that she needs to learn empathy and she needs a good old fashioned spanking.

Next time she gets in trouble for making someone cry or just being mean even if the other person didn't cry, make her sit in her room and write a paper on how SHE would feel if that happened to her. Empathy!

She really doesn't think the rules apply to her and you are feeding into that. You need to quit talking and get tough with that girl. Imagine what she'll be doing when she's in middle school if you don't get this under control now!

I say this all the time, but it always bugs me when teachers don't know how to control their students. A good teacher should have techniques to deal with disruptive students. Your daughter is only 7, for crying out loud.

My youngest is my most challenging child, but at 5 he knows better than to be disrespectful and talk back. He knows this because from an early age there has been punishment for it. It sounds like she hasn't been punished for her behavior, and it's only going to get worse.

Did you really ask her if you are doing something wrong? I'm not trying to be rude, but I would never have done that. You are the parent, not her. It is her "job" in life to follow the rules and examples you set her for.

I think the counselor will be a good starting point for her. Suggest she carry a journal, when she feels the need to be nasty, she needs to write instead of speak. As far as not listening to the teacher, I'd have my kids tails for that. Respect is a huge thing that kids need to learn from day 1.

I'd find some serious consequences for her actions that hit her where it hurts - my daughter lost a night of dance for punishment for example - dance is her life. Find something that will make a big impact on her and I guarantee she won't want that again.

Has anything happened in the last few months that you know of that would cause this kind of outlash? That would be my first clue into this sudden behavior change. Kids who are usually well behaved, and who do not have behavior issues do not suddenly start acting differently without a reason.

If she is unable to talk to you or the school counselor about her true feelings, then I would ask that she meet with a child psychologist. Sometimes someone who is not related or in the immediate center of a child's life ( personal or school) will be have better luck in talking with a child.

Right off the bat you describe her as always having been sassy, and yet in the same sentence you say she is just now becoming hateful and disrespectful. Not to put too fine a point on it, but which one is it? Has she always been sassy or not? Because "sassy" is just a euphemism for a lot of people for saying, "She's so cute when she acts like a disrespectful brat so we're going to ignore it and not discipline her."

So. It sounds like there's a lot of talking AT her instead of with her. It also sounds like she's being allowed to blame others for her own behavior. Neither is cool or acceptable.

It's time for her to have consequences every time you get a report from school, and every time she does these behaviors at home as well. No more of this, "But honey, whyyyy are you doing this? You have to stop, mmmkay? You have to stop because _____." It's past all of that. She knows she has to stop, and she knows why. Because it's disrespectful and rude, and better behavior is expected of her. She's not a baby any more.

If this is her trying to get attention, she won't be able to tell you that. Just assume it. Spend more one on one attention with her, give her more positive reinforcement and natural consequences as well as consequences that she can count on (establish house rules with set and clear consequences). For instance:

1. We tell the truth in this house. For every lie, the consequence is _____ <---negative thing here, like an extra chore

2. We respect teachers at all times. If a teacher is disrespected, the consequence is _____.

3. We respect parents at all times. If a parent is disrespected, the consequence is _____ <--- loss of a specific privilege.

Keep going with house rules for cussing, messes, chores, and other behaviors that need to be addressed. Keep the language as positive as possible with clear cut consequences. That way if any of the children break the rules, they can be applied evenly and fairly AND you don't have to think up a punishment on the spur of the moment.

Also have a reward system so that good and excellent behavior is rewarded with something meaningful, like extra one on one time with Mom or Dad. Or she gets to choose the weekend family activity that weekend. You need positive motivation for her, not just punishment, in order to discipline her. She needs to want to behave well in order to get positive attention. Behaving well has to be more beneficial than behaving badly.

"Is Mommy not doing something right?" Really? She is 7 and is more than capable of choosing the correct behavior. Why on earth would you default to a question like that instead of insisting that she own her own choices? There's your explanation for why she defaulted to blaming other people...

Perhaps it's past time to be having conversations about this. Has she had ANY real consequences from you stemming from this behavior? Seems that she is getting away with it, and that would not be happening in my house. Trouble at school is trouble at home around here. My daughter would be grounded (lost privileges) until the behavior is corrected.

We teach kids what kind of behavior is ok.

"She's always been a sassy little thing..." and what has the response to this been all along? Many people think it's cute from a 2yo, but before you know it, she's older and still sporting attitude. Why would she stop now?

If disrespectful talk is ok at your house, it will only get worse and will extend (as you can see) to school. There needs to be a consequence for disrespectful responses and behavior at home if you're not already.

I asked her if I'm not doing something right because she is one of five children, two being step sisters. I feel like she maybe acting out to get attention. If it's more attention she needs from me or that special one on one time, I want to know. It is extremely hard to give each child that one on one attention everyday when it's that many against one parent. Things do get taken away and there are consequences when she acts out, but my point is that this really just started. People have always said what a sweet polite little girl she is. She very helpful to others and wants to take care of everyone. Nothing has recently changed in our family, so that is why I'm struggling with why all of a sudden this is going on.

When my boys have gone through cruel, name calling stages, I do two things:

1. Name calling is nasty talk. I tell them, "If those nasty things come out of your mouth, your mouth is obviously dirty and needs a wash." Then I put a squirt of hand soap in their mouth and make them hold it there for 3 minutes. I warn them that I'll do it every time they say mean, nasty things to other people.

2. Long time-outs at home. Be sure to explain the process to her prior to using this method so she knows what's expected of her.

Nothing teaches a child to sit quietly in class like an hour in a chair at home with nothing to do or see. The chair should be fairly comfortable, but not something she'll fall asleep in. No clocks, no window to look out of, nothing to pick at or kick, no talking, no coming out. Make sure she uses the restroom before she goes in, and every time she comes out of that chair she gets a swat on the bottom and her time starts over. Don't tell her how much time she has left, ever. This should be a time of PURE NOTHINGNESS. When she's done, ASK her why she was there. If she can't tell you, she goes back for another 15.

A few days of doing that after school and you'll see some pretty amazing results. You can use it for short term stuff too. Being sassy and disrespectful earns her time in the chair immediately. You tell her to "go to the chair," and nothing else. No warnings, no "if you don't stop that, you're going to the chair," just send her. And ask her why she was there AFTER she's done. The goal is to get her THINKING and responsible for her OWN behavior instead of blaming it on others.

Best of luck!

♥
C. Lee