7-Month Old Nephew Coming to Live with Us as Foster Parents

I used to babysit for a couple who were foster parents. They had cared for literally hundreds of children ranging in age from days to teens. Every child who could speak called them "Mom" and "Dad". I'd recommend doing what you think is right, and not worrying about what other people think.

Hello Lindsey,
You sound Like a very nice person. For the sake of this baby, i beg you to let that couple adopt that child and give him the life that he deserves.
think of this child like Karin below has written. If you keep him, then his life will be in troubled for obvious reasons.

Hi Lindsey -

I don't mean to offend you in any way, but please really think hard about your decision to try to adopt your nephew. I know he is still very little but, as he grows, there will be all kinds of issues that he will have to face, if he is still in a familial relationship of any kind with his birth parents. You mentioned that his birth-mother is also trying to regain custody of him, so she, obviously, will not be supportive of your adopting him. Therefore, you will likely never be able to resolve any issues with her, much less minor things like who he should call "Mama". This will just lead to conflict and stress in the poor little boys life, not to mention your life..... Forever.

In addition, there is obviously a reason that CPS took him away from your brother and the birth-mother. He should never have to be subjected to even the chance that they could ever have any significant contact with him, much less becoming his "Aunt and Uncle"....

Think about the future.... What are you going to do when he's 13 and runs away to one of them? What happens when they make huge mistakes in their lives and he has to see it or, at least, know what is happening. This type of thing really damages a child!

There is a very good reason why most adoptions of infants are closed adoptions. It is so that these little babies can grow up and have as stable and as drama-free of a life as possible, without the interference or knowledge of the issues of their birth parents. You are very generous of heart to want to protect your nephew and give him a better life, by adopting him. But, don't forget that the current foster parents already love him and want him, too. Many foster parents dream endlessly of the day when they will be able to adopt one of the children they care for and make them a permanent member of their family. And, they are already tried, trained and tested "good" parents, so you know he would be with a wonderful family. Also, many foster parents are unable to have children of their own, and they would cherish the baby even more. Also, remember that adopted children are even more special, because they are CHOSEN.

You sound like a wonderful person, who wants to do the best thing to help your nephew. Please think long and hard and seriously consider giving him the gift of two loving parents and the freedom from all the drama that his birth-parents would forever add to his life.

God Bless!

My husband and I have been foster parents to 18 children, and the adoptive parents of 2. In our experience, it is best to refer to have the children call you Mom+name or Mama+name (same goes for Dad.) (Mama T. or Mom T and Dad B or Daddy Lee) There is an understood authority with the title "Mom" or "Dad". This can be advantageous when dealing with schools or other public figures. Also, I think it makes an impression on the children. If they end up staying, it just makes your transition easier. For those who didn't stay ~ they might not remember us specifically, but someday they'll remember that Mommy and Daddy loved me.

As for websites, I've gleaned lots of information from the Foster Care Forum at adoption.com.

HTH,
T.

Lindsey,
To have an infant removed and possibly adopted out (terminating parents rights) is an indicator that something serious happened. I would really invite you to search in your heart if you are absolutely sure you will be able to set consistent and clear limits to your brother and bio mom so the child does not get confused about it and more important he is SAFE without you having to spend your life raising him and keeping them away.
The foster family obviously has gone through trainning and if they want to adopt him and he is already attaching to them I would really consider if you want to undo that. You can ask CPS if you can still be his aunt, have contact with him. CPS by law needs to consider kinship over foster parents but that does not mean it is always in the best interest of the child, especially if being with you increases the conflict and contact with parents that this far have demostrated to be not only not competent but harmful.
I know it is your brother and I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but I do believe that if this little baby has a second chance to be happy and safe that is the best thing.

My siblings and I used to stay with some close friends of our family when my parents worked at youth camp during the summer.

We called them Mama Rhea and Daddy Dick. But we didn't live with them day in and day out!

Hope all goes well with all with whatever you decide. Would it help to ask your brother and the mother what they might want? Maybe they could be called Mama Too and Daddy Too or you could spell it Mama 2 and Daddy 2. That would indicate the relationship, but show that it is different also.

Bless You!
A.

Lindsey,

I have a friend going thru this now. She is in the process of adopting her sisters two kids that CPS took away. The bio mom of course be in these kids lives and one is 6 and the other is 2, they are also in the process of having them change the childrens last name to match theirs so they can be one big happy family. I think that your nephew should be kept in the family and adopted out to some strangers. Think of his future when he really wants to know why to some of the questions he might have later and you will be able to give him the answers. Have him call you mom and dad and just treat him like he has always been yours. Set the rules straight with the bio parents and make them aware that you are now his parents and your rules are what count and you make the rules. The court will help you thru this and you will also be asked if you want visitation rights to the bio parents and you can set those how you want them, like 4 times a year or whatever you think is best. I think you are doing the right thing. You will be able to give hime the love and firm foundation that he needs. Good luck and God Bless.

We are adopting through CPS and the agency we are working through said to go ahead and let them call you mommy. You could also do some variation, like an ethnic form of mommy based on your heritage.

What about "Honey" or something similar for you and Papa or Pop?

This is a tough one. Since things are kind of up in the air since the mother is going to try and get him. I would just call yourself "auntie" for now. Or maybe make-up some other affectionate name that you like - "mom mom" or whatever. Since he is so young anyway, you could have him call you mommy once things are resolved if you feel comfortable. I would hope that things get resolved before he is two. I have a two year old right now; they are very teachable. Good luck~

I also raise my brother's three children. I have had them four and a half years now and they are ages 7-11. Their father is very involved, but their mother is in another state. The girls started calling me mommy and did for a very long time. That became an area of contention with their father. My nephew has only called me mommy once. As you do not know whether or not you will have this child permanenty I would only refer to yourselves as Aunt & Uncle as that is what you are. Remember its only a title. If you become the permananet caretakers of this child then you can work that out later as he's only a baby. If you always stay aunt/uncle in his heart you will be the closest thing you have had to good parents. You can go to the Texas Attorney General's Website. However, for any real answers to your questions and help you will have to get a lawyer. Only a lawyer will deal with all those involved to be on your side.

I do want to add that the best thing for a small child that is removed from parents should be legal adoption to a family other than what is related to the birth parents, if at all possible. My situation is different in that there wasn't any removal just a call for help when the mom stopped being a mom. If the child will still be around the birth parents they will cause you grief and living hell over how the child should be raised, disciplined, fed, activities, homework...you name it expect it. If your values/morals are more grounded than theirs and they take the baby off for a day or two you will not have had any control as to where they go. CPS always wants to place with family first in hopes of keeping the family together and to avoid as much legal cost as possible. Adoption to a wonderful Christian family, preferably financially stable maybe very good for the child. It can't grow up being confused or put in the middle by the family relationships. This maybe very difficult to face, because he is your blood and no one wants to let go of a baby.

Honestly, I think the baby will start calling you "Mama" no matter what you do. I have a 15 month old daughter and she yells out "Mama" whenever she sees me, but I really have not gone around telling her to say "Mama". She hears her brother saying and so she repeats it....

-L.

My husband and I went through the same ordeal of sorts; we raised my sisters and ex-brother-in-law's children; and adopted her third child at birth. For my niece and nephew, we decided that since the biological parents will always be in his life, then I would remain Aunt and Uncle. For my son, since it was a full on adoption, we became Mommy and Daddy to him. However, my sister wanted that as well. So, she is still mom to older kids but Aunt to my son. I don't think there is a right or wrong issue here at all. The titles are probably more for us than them. I have learned that you don't have to be called Mom or Dad to serve that roll. As he gets older, if he calls you Mom and Dad, I would not correct it. Good Luck to you and your family. This child is already blessed.

From experience....if you have other children in your home, your nephew will call you what they call you....mom and dad. That's what you will be to him. Your brother will become the uncle and so forth. It all works out. If it does become permanent you can call a family meeting telling them you wishes....such as you are mom and dad and they are such and such. and if they can't respect your wishes then they will have limited or no contact.

Irving Bible Church has a huge resource for adoptive parents called Tapestry. http://www.irvingbible.org/index.php?id=1448

Hello Lindsey,
I wanted to tell you that I have asked myself a million times the same thing. We have been foster parents to 11 kids, and also had a nephew live with us for 6 months. With our very first foster kid we were calling ourselves "mom" and "dad". She was 2 at the time and totally confused. After her grandma met us she aked us not to have the child call us mom and dad. The child was going to be living with her grandma and sence grandma had writes and we were only forster parents we had to change what we called ourselves. You could ask your nephew's case worker just to be safe. Also, if there is still a chance of the baby going home then, I would stick with calling youself aunt. More than likely if the baby has been with the fosters for very long they have been calling themselves mom and dad. I also have a baby that is 16mo old and we have had him sence he was 4 days old. He calls us mom and dad. I think if your nephew starts out saying mom and dad then stay with it. However CPS could ask that you change it later. So, talk to your case worker and I think it will all work out. You could also use a nickname. I think that his case worker will tell you to do what feels best for the baby. Remeber, that mom and dad will not lose rights untill the baby has been in care for a year are more.

Now, I also wanted to let you know that we just adopted a foster child in March. It went very well. We learned a lot. So, if you have a question I may be able to help. Just let me know. Here is a web site that we use. txdfps. us It is a foster care for Texas web site. Good Luck.

We have full custody of our 7 1/2 year old niece and her mother has possesory rights where she gets supervised visits two Saturdays a month. We have had her in our care since she was 6 months old and we went through many trial & error forms of the mother trying to regain custody. Our niece started calling us Mommy & Daddy naturally and she called her biological mom by her first name. It just happened that way. As she got older the biological mom really wanted her to call her mom too so our niece finally started calling her "Mommy S..." using a combo of Mommy & her first name. Her biological mom even brought it up in court at one time and tried to have us legally blocked from being called Mommy & Daddy. A court appointed psychologist was involved & said that it was only a natural process & was in keeping with the childs true identity of her daily life. Even if we had not have kept full custody we would have been her established "parents".

Good luck. Hope this helps.

I have dealt with this personally with family and the children left in 3 months. Different sitation, but for everyones sake maybe you could give yourselve an endearing nickname for now? You can always refer to yourselve diferent later. He is still so young.

I have several friends who have been foster to adopt parents. I have watched them love babies from birth and then have them given back to the birth parents after the parents have gone through what CPS considers a promising recovery program, sometimes after being in one foster home for a year. I have also seen my friends lose these children to birth family members.

So, do I think you will get custody of this baby? Absolutely, if CPS finds your environment stable. Do I think this baby will be yours forever? Well, that depends on the reason your nephew was removed from his birth parents care. For instance, if it was due to drugs, the birth parents will be allowed to attend rehab and, if they appear to CPS to be on the right path, your nephew will be given back to them. Have the birth parents rights been terminated? If not, there is no guarantee where this poor little guy will end up. In my opinion, birth parents are given way too many chances and children are being stripped from good foster homes (and foster parents who love them) and ending up in homes that are undeserving of them.

I have to wonder why you would even consider having the birth parents be part of this child's life if he was removed from their care! And, I am wondering if CPS is aware that you plan to allow your brother and the baby's mother access to this child! It scares me to think that you will allow them way too much access to this little boy!

The fact that you are even debating whether or not to have him call you Mommy because you know his birth mother will want that title tells me you are absolutely not going to be the best protector of this child! You will let your brother and the birth mother take this child on outings and do things with him because you will still consider them his parents. If you adopt him, he's yours, no matter who the birth parents are and as his mommy you are responsible for keeping him safe from whatever it was your brother and the birth mother did that caused him to be removed from their care!!!! If you allow them unsupervised access to this child, it will be a HUGE mistake.....and you obviously have too much sympathy for them to be the best protector for this child.

I'm sorry to be so harsh, but this is a child who obviously deserves better than what his birth parents can and will provide and he deserves protection from whoever adopts him. He is obviously very loved in by his current foster family....have they had him since birth?

I understand that he is family to you but I just really don't see how you will be able to protect him from the people he was removed from! I agree with the previous response that says to let the other family adopt him and you ask for rights as his aunt. I'll bet the foster family would be willing to agree to these terms if it means they can be the parents to this baby they already love and cherish!

CPS is trying more and more to keep children with their families.

Are you his mommy? It's okay for him to call you Aunt Lindsey and it would be more honest for the child, less confusing too.

Careful the conflicts that will arise with the parents, even if they are family. Keep a good visitation schedule and clear on the rules and hopefully one day they will get back on their feet and be able to parent themselves.

Bless you for taking him in. He needs his family more than anything.

C.

We have been foster parents to our 2 nieces and nephew for the last 4 1/2 years. In the beginning it was only going to be until the parents got their act together. Then it was going to be just a year. Every day I prayed they would get to stay with us as I was afraid of what would happen if they went back to a parent (parents are now in the process of a divorce). Our nephew, who was only 9 months when he came to live with us, calls us Mommy and Daddy. So do our 2 nieces. The 2 older ones, we let them decide for themselves. In a friend, church or school setting, I know the girls did not want to feel different. They had had enough uniqueness in their lives. Today the birth mother has now received call priveleges twice a week and the father once a week. To differentiate between the sets they refer to the birth parents as Mommy R. and their bald daddy and us as mommy and daddy. This makes them happy and this is the most important thing. Remember, kids don't like to feel different and teenagers only like to be different when it is exactly like everyone else. Good luck.

You could have him call you mama Lindsey, and your husband daddy------. At this age they really need to bond with someone, or it really effects them later in life. Even if he is moved around later, so I hope cPS doesn't move him around too much,and that he gets to stay in one spot long enough to feel a bond. My sister-in-law adoped two children, and one hadn't been moved around and was fine, but the other one had been moved so much he hadn't bonded, and they had a lot of trouble with him later, which a lot of counceling fixed, but they said it was all because he hadn't had a chance to bond. I know this isn't what you ask, but even if he is with the foster parents longer, and they are a loving family he will of bonded, even if he is moved later and he will probably be o.k. .

My first question is why are your brother and the baby's bio mom going to be in the picture if CPS wants him with someone else? I don't know anything about the CPS world, but I assume that kids are taken away from parents because they are in some sort of danger. If this is the case, the bio parents should NOT be in the child's life. I myself have a very distant relationship (physically and emotionally) from my mother and would not leave my son in her care because I don't trust her judgement. I understand that family relationships can be very complex and painful, but some people are toxic and should be avoided if possible, or kept at a purely polite level if they can't be avoided.

That said, the mommy/daddy thing is tough since things are in flux. I would definitely talk to others who have been in similar situations to find out what to do until permanent arrangements are made. Once that happens, if you are raising him as mom/dad, regardless of if bio-parents are around, you are mom/dad. Biology doesn't make a parent.

Good luck with all of this, and thanks for being loving family for the little guy!

I have a mom (the woman who gave me 23 chromosomes, 7 months of uterus time, 3 days of labor, and 6 phone calls over my life)
My Mama - who spent 3 months in NICU praying over me and the last 22 years of her life raising me.
A Stepmother - whomever my (biological) father happens to be married to at the time.

Everyone knows who I mean when I say my Mama. :)

My sister is raising two of her daughter's children - they call their biological mom "Mommy" and my sister "Ma". They don't ask for 'mom' or 'mommy' very often. My sister is 'Ma' to my kids too.

I think, given the fact that you haven't adopted (yet) and the birth mom is still trying to get her kid back, it could be considered very insensitive to the baby and his (still) mother to 'take the title'. If you do end up adopting, you will find that you become whatever your other children call you to him - if you don't, and the biological mom ends up with him; there is a possibility that she will appreciate so much the fact that you did not try to 'steal' her position that she will have you retain a very special aunt type role. 'Ma' is a very special aunt in our family.

Typically, you can not adopt until CPS terminates her rights, which they will not do as long as she is completing the program.

JMO
S.

Lindsey,
There are NO perfect situations when children are involved, least of all in one like yours. There are pros and cons in both the adoption within the family of the child, and the adoption into non-bio family. An adopted child deals with what I call "black-hole-syndrome" in that as he/she grows up in a non-bio family, he doesn't see bits and pieces of himself/herself. Most adoptees will admit at some time in their lives that they just didn't "fit" even though they were happy, and tremendously more well off than they would have been in their bio-parents' custody. That's why most agencies will try to place children within a family if possible. You will have the advantage of knowing your nephew's genetic background/history, so you'll be familiar with whatever comes up. It's important that the little guy bond as early as possible, so consider him yours for as long as you have him. You'll be "mom" regardless what he calls you. The question you have to ask is if you want his bio-parents in your lives. They may or may not step up to the plate one day and want him. Were I in your place, I would require adoption and severance of parental rights ASAP. That's the only assurance of any peace. May God lead you and guide you in this child's life.