Last year in kindergarten my daughter became best friends with a little girl in our apartment complex. I'll call this little girl Amy. All through the school year my daughter and Amy were inseperable. Then summer came around and things changed. Amy started bad mouthing my daughter, and telling other apartment kids that she hated my daughter. There was little truth to what Amy was saying, she ws just trying to impresss other kids to try and get them to be her friend.
Well, over the summer the name calling progressed, as well as talking about my daughter behind her back. Then, in September, school started. Since then Amy has kicked my daughter (for saying hi to a boy Amy's had a crush on since kindergarten), pushed her, called her names, and is now trying to control who my daughter is friends with, and who my daughter walks home with after school. This all makes me so MAD, and hurt for my daughter.
I've talked to Amy's parents, they're (not so) good friends of ours. They've yelled at Amy, but nothing changes. I've sent an email to both teachers asking that they do their best to keep my daughter and Amy separated. I don't know what else to do.
Yesterday my daughter came home in tears because she wanted to walk home with A Friend, and she couldn't becase Amy was walking with her and wouldn't let my daughter walk with them. This is happening more and more frequently. This week alone my daughter has come home in tears twice because of what Amy is doing/saying to her.
I thought this kind of bitchy behavior wouldn't happen until middle school, at the earliest. These girls are SIX!!!
Do I go to the principal yet? Where do Igo from here? I can see Amy getting meaner and meaner as time goes by. I want to stop this before it gets too much worse. I was bullied from 4th grade until I graduated high school. I DO NOT want my daughter going through the same thing, starting in 1st grade.
I did catch the principal this morning and mentioned it to her. She's going to talk with the girls individually and together and try to stop this now before Amy gets too much worse.
To those of you that suggested I get down and Amy's level and tell her to knock it off, I have. She just bats her blue eyes and puts on her dumb blond face and denies doing anything at all wrong. At first I was telling the parents what Amy was doing, but it didn't seem to go very far. Her dad is fed up with her behavior at school and at home, and has told my daughter she has HIS permission to do whatever necessary to get Amy to stop being a bully.
Also, the kids walk home from school, it's about 1/2 mile and because they cross a busy street at the end of the walk there are two adult crossing guards that walk the group home. I think I'll talk to my son (10) and encourage him to be a bit more protective of his sister. He's done it in the past.
Nervy girl: Amy has always been this entitled. The parents find in easier to give in to the tantrums and bad behavior than to be consistent with boundaries. Amy learned last year how to be a dumb blonde to get other people to do her work for her, or let her copy off of them. My husband and I have tried time and time again to teach by example better parenting tactics, and they have an excuse for why it won't work for them.
Our family is in Taekwondo, maybe I'll talk to the the instructor and see if she'd be willing to work in some "stand up for yourself" kind of stuff into a class or two.
My biggest issue is that I'm a Momma Bear when it comes to my kids. I HATE seeing them hurt in the same ways I was when I was their age, so I feel like I need to do something to keep them from harm. I realize that sometimes the best thing I can do is step back, give them the tools and encourage them to defend themselves. It's hard though.
Yes, if you've talked to "Amy's" parents and nothing has changed, you should go to the school. Maybe hearing directly from the principal will get Amy to change her tune.
And yes, the mean girl syndrome starts young. There were a couple of mean girls in my daughter's 3 yr old preschool class. Ridiculous!
Yes, but sadly there will always be another Amy, and another (you know, a kid like her or worse)...
It's school. I hated it. I am sorry. I have no advice. School is terrible (not the learning part, but everything else).
Read this book. Unfortunately, this is just the start, but you can help your daughter to deal with these situations. You can't change other kids, but you can teach your daughter to be resilient and not to be controlled.
http://www.amazon.com/Little-Girls-Can-Mean-Bully-proof/d...
As someone who lives in an apartment complex....
I am assuming that the bus has one stop for the complex and all of the kids get off there and walk home? You need to start meeting your daughter and the bus. Or follow her and step in if need be. *I* am the kind of parent that has no issues whatsoever with stepping in and telling some little brat to cut it out and leave my kid alone. I have done it before and I will do it again.
Say you are walking and Amy starts being a butt. "AMY. Do not talk to "sarah" that way. There is no reason to be rude." OR.....have "Sarah" say, "AMY. Don't talk to me like that. Move over, I want to walk with my friend too."
Just having you there may give her the strength she needs to stick up for herself and give Amy pause about being a little brat.
L.
Here's the thing - parents can only teach kids right from wrong, to be nice, not mean, not to hit, etc., but they simply cannot control what their child does with those lessons. You CANNOT force someone to be nice. You can separate them from the other kids, but no one can control what will come out of someone else's mouth.
It's time for your daughter to stand up to Amy and put her in her place. The truth is, people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. I suggest you help your daughter learn how to deal with Amy such as don't even attempt to speak to anyone who is speaking with Amy. Don't even act like she wants to walk with them. Completely act like Amy does not exist and same for people Amy is associating with. If your daughter quits reacting to Amy's treatment of her, then Amy will either get bored and move on or she will change her behavior so that your daughter will once again be her friend.
Take the ball out of Amy's court and put it in your daughter's!
Hmm, I might talk to the girl myself. Next time you see her around the complex, kneel down to her level, look her in the eye and say, Amy, I'm not liking what I'm hearing from my daughter, that you are saying unkind things and telling other kids not to play with her. Is that true?
She will probably be mortified and try to deny it, you can just say, with a smile, well I hope I never hear about anything like this happening again, I know you don't want to get into any trouble.
Then walk away.
Kids are WAY more intimidated by other kids' parents than their own.
And at six she's young enough for this to be effective. If she was older your daughter wouldn't want you getting involved, and it could make things worse, not better.
But at six? Yeah, tell that little girl to knock it off!
Mean Girls SUCK!!
my only advice is your sweet daughter is just going to have to stand up to her!!
maybe... if your daughter knew you were close by (a few feet away) let's say after school she walks up to "Amy" and tells her once & for all BACK OFF
wishing her bravery :)
You are going to have to teach your daughter to stand up for herself.
You can act out situations that have occurred.
Amy kicks your daughter, she tells her, when you go around kicking someone, you are mean. Stop kicking me like a big bully.
When your daughter wants to walk with a friend and Amy doesn't like it, tell her, You are not the Boss of Me. Stop trying. No one wants to be around a bully.
If nothing else, you will get the parents attention. Nobody wants their child to be called a bully. Or be one.
This isn't a child friend issue... it's Amy's parents that are the issue. In that they don't. Parenting her is, apparently, too difficult for them from what you've explained. Now that she's old enough to have emotions and act on them; realize that she doesn't HAVE TO obey; knows that there won't be any consequences of value; her parents have given up; this is all she knows. She's acting out begging people to pay attention to her and love her and give her boundaries.
Her parents have given up because of the monster they created by giving in and likely, not correcting certain behaviors when she was very little because they were cute. Now that she's older and the behaviors aren't so cute, everyone including her parents just expect her to know better just because she's older.
I'm sure she also has splendid examples of how to behave appropriately at home (sarcasm there, folks).
This won't stop with this unfortunate little girl unless her parents take parenting classes and shape up their parenting. And that means that at this age you have every right to help your daughter choose her friends and if that means telling her she can't be friends with someone then you do it. This is a situation where I see no point in forcing your daughter to be the other girl's soothing blanket and it's no time to teach your daughter a lesson in compassion and looking for the value in a challenging friendship.... because this isn't a friendship.
If the girls are in the same class and the bullying is this bad already then I think you have cause to request that your daughter change to another classroom. You can't ask to have the other girl removed because they can't honor that request. It would have to be your daughter moving.
I would also NOT allow your daughter to walk home with this girl because it's putting her, a little 6 year old girl, through the longest most miserable walk of her life day after day after day. That's torture. Find another way to get her home.
Absolutely encourage your daughter to speak up in self-defense and in defense of others, but avoiding the situations when possible at only six years old is best. This little, she does need protection. That other girl's parents aren't helping and trust me... as a girl who was bullied and always in my bullies classes because my mom never thought to ask to change classes, I would have welcomed simple solutions like that. Out of sight, out of mind.
And yes, no more play dates. Period. None. If you have to tell her parents straight out why, then do it. Hell maybe they'll tell the child why she's lost a friend.
I would mention it to the principal so that Amy can learn a lesson or two... If it's not put to a stop now, then I think matters will only get worse. It's been my experience that girls get a lot nastier than do the boys. There is a girl in my son's class whom since Kinder has had a problem with my child.. She is a mean girl, and sadly hasn't gotten any better over the years... In fact, now in 7th grade, she is very dismissive and downright moody.... she just gets more and more sour... so yes, it does happen early on in life..
You're doing everything right. I will tell you that if Amy started her dumb blonde routine, as you put it, with me, I'd let her have it and tell her in front of everyone that all of us know what she's doing. Lay it on thick, too. She needs a little humiliation, quite frankly.
Every single time she does this to your daughter, call the principal. When they are tired of hearing from you, they will start dealing with her and start squashing this behavior.
What needs to happen is that she loses precious privileges at home in addition to getting into trouble at school - if they did, then her entitlement issues might be turned around. Too bad her parents are too lazy to do that.
Rosehawk,
Are you able to walk with the kids? I think that would be a great idea, considering the fact that your daughter is feeling very vulnerable right now.
My guess is that something is going on for Amy and that she needs more help, perhaps counseling. It is disappointing that her father has done nothing more than yelling and punishing-- if a kid is acting out in this way, they need more help than punishment. Or has Amy always been allowed to act entitled to her own desires and now it's manifesting socially? Most kids don't usually go after other kids so viciously and persistently without there being some significant unmet need present. It sounds like the parents are only dealing with the behavior and not addressing the underlying issues... and the behavior sounds much like attention-getting behavior which is manifesting itself as being a mean girl. It *does* certainly get attention. And if there's something very deep going on, as in "she's taking pleasure from hurting others"-- well then, THAT clearly needs addressing on a psycho-social therapeutic level.
And as others have suggested, this would be a good time to invest in some empowerment for your girl. The book Christy Lee suggested looked great. It's important for your girl to stand up for herself, to learn to be comfortable speaking out and defending herself. You might want to look into a self-defense/empowerment workshop where she can learn to get comfortable with loud no's and realize that she doesn't have to put up with kids like Amy.... because even if Amy gets her act together, if a child refuses to stand up for themselves, they will be a target for the next mean kid who comes along....
Your daughter needs to stand up to her...tell her to shove it! She needs to show Amy that she doesn't care what she says. Hard, I know, but effective.
My 4 yo daughter came home from preschool 2 days ago and said her best friend was being mean to her all day. She wouldn't let her sit next to her at lunch, at circle time, and wouldn't let her play with her or the kids she was playing with. Yeah, it starts THAT early. You can only teach your daughter how to respond, like the previous posters suggested.
I had a similar situation with our daughter. Ours tends to be a follower and wast best friends with a very spoiled girl last year. This year they are not in the same class and she found her best friend calling her names and such. I always talk to her about manners and the proper way to handle yourself in situations. When it didn't stop I invited the other girl to play soccer on my daughters team (another activity could be used). It wasn't long before my daughter gave the girl a taste of her own medicine(I was there, but busy with the other kids). Both took off in separate directions. I talked to mine and explained that she should apologize. When she went to the other girls was on the playground badmouthing her. She finally came over, they both apologized and have a better understanding of each other now. The girl just needed that dose.
We saw the worst mean girl behavior in first grade, again in 4th, and now in middle school. The boys got bad in 3rd.
