5Yo Boy Hesitant to Try or Get in Front of Others

Start with a small activity and let him see the joy in doing that. Have him join some kind of social group.

I wouldn't push him too hard right now. You might try taking him to events where he watches, so that he can see how much fun people are having by participating. Take him to see the symphony, to sports events, to a theater production geared for kids, but give him time in between to process it all. He might get the idea that it's more fun to take part than to sit it out. Kelly has a good take on it too. I'm an introvert too, and art is my life. There's no shame in being solo-oriented, but it's good for him to know his options at the same time.

Hi W.,
In a calm moment when your son knows he is not about to be asked to join in on something, perhaps you can ask him what scares him about all the eyeballs watching. My generally extroverted five year-old recently worried about a group activity w/ kids he didn't already know. Once I knew that he was afraid the other kids would laugh at him if he made a mistake, I was able to talk to him and calm his fears. I don't know where this fear of being laughed at came from so suddenly, but I'm guessing that someone at school laughed at him for something. Years back my son used to be quite cautious and needed to observe something for quite some time before trying it. Being in preschool for the last three years has helped a ton, though he can still be unusually hesitant now and then. I have found that once my son watches others doing an activity for long enough, he wants to join in.
K.

He will like swimming or arts instead, I have one that's just like him. Best of luck

My 5 year old is similar in many ways to your son, I think. It's odd to me because in situations where she is comfortable, she is a definite leader. But if I take her somewhere new, she is hesitant and does not want to do anything on her own.

I don't think this makes her an introvert, I think this makes her smart. I mean, think about it. Ten thousand years ago, a 5 year old child who would run out into the middle of a crowd of strangers might have been killed. A smart child would stay by his parents, right? So before labeling him an introvert, acknowledge that he may simply have good survival instincts!

That being said, I've been slowly pushing my daughter to do things outside her comfort zone. For instance, at first she did not want to take ballet lessons. I spoke with the ballet teacher, and together we figured out that my daughter was simply frustrated at not being "the best" in the class. I spoke with my daughter and we talked about how it takes time and practice to become "the best" at something, and that didn't mean that she shouldn't try her best each time. She has been practicing at home and is doing SO well at her lessons now! She is really proud of herself AND is even looking forward to her recital coming up. This summer, we will be trying gymnastics. Again, she's feeling very hesitant about it, but she has agreed to give it a try and try her best, and we will see how it goes.

So I'd suggest a slow approach, and really talk things through with him to see where his little head is at with all this. Maybe soccer isn't his thing, but he'd do great on swim team. You never know!

Hi W.,

My son, now 7, was very scared at first too, kicking and screaming. But, during kindergarten he started to be a little more "adventurous". I think his friends sort of gave him the little push he needed. We enrolled him into t-ball for the first time after trying for almost 2 years, he started off a little shy and crying but after seeing his friends and feeling comfortable he was fine.

Your son's time will come. Just be patient with him but not forceful, he might just need friends and mommy to encourage him.=)Hang in there!

My 5 year old is the same way. We signed him up for soccer and on the first day, most of the kids were already there and were in a circle. He refused to join them. The next week, we took him a little early so that he won't have to come into a group that is already formed. Instead, the kids came to him and that worked really well. Now that he's made friends with them, it doesn't matter if he's first or last to arrive. Any time he starts anything new with a new group of people, we try to get there early so he can get comfortable before the others arrive. Good luck!

See if you can find out what he's specifically afraid of, for instance doing it wrong, or whatever. Then reassure him that we all make mistakes sometimes and it's okay, that's how we learn. It's a hard one.

I would consider having your son talk to a therapist just to rule out a problem that could get worse if you don't nip it in the bud. Eyeballs watching is a very clear description of feeling creepy and uncomfortable to the point of fear. Shame is a terrible emotion that can really freeze you up - try to find out what caused him to feel this way.
I was really self conscious and fearful after being abused by an older beloved cousin that I adored and became very introverted for about 10 years. I'm not trying to be a harbinger of doom - just cover all your bases & take your son's serious feeling seriously.
Maybe a therapist can give your son some tools to tame his feelings and learn to trust people aren't judging him all the time. boy, it is so hard being a kid!!
I wish you all the best!
A.

Consider recommendations already posted here, however (depending on your relationship with your ex) could there be change in circumstance at his dads house causing this new behavior? Sometimes the behavior you see is a result of physical/emotional changes.

(for example, I share my kids with my ex too and whenever he changes nannies, my 7yo is adamant about sleeping with me.)

I'd second the suggestion to research personality differences.
Introverts are not extroverts, and pushing them doesn't change anything.
You don't get an extrovert, you get an unhappy introvert.
He may not be able to formulate for you what the problem is, because it is a matter of what feels comfortable, what he likes.
(Could you explain why you like chocolate, or hate spiders?)
It may well be that he actually wouldn't have that much fun doing team sports - seriously, not all kids do.

Our 6yo son has the same issue. He is very nervous about new situations and what others will think. He has had tantrums about wearing a jacket or hat if he thinks no one else will be. He has refused to wear sneakers that had a scrape. The start of the new school year is extremely stressful for him. He is very resistant to doing any summer camp-type activities, even only half-day programs.

His older sister plays soccer and softball, so he was interested in joining those leagues, but he had a really hard time for the first few practices. And he looses it (starts crying) when he strikes out or makes a mistake. In the beginning of the season he wigged out when we couldn't find his team cap and I wanted him to wear a different one to practice. He refused to go because everyone would see that he wasn't wearing the right cap.
You get the idea.

I think he finds meeting so many new people and not knowing what to expect very overwhelming. I am much the same way, so I can understand how he feels.

I would expect there are two parts to the problem. One is not being comfortable doing something in front of other people (like playing a sport) when he's not sure what he's doing and feels foolish. To help mitigate that, his father or other male family/friend could teach him the basics and practice with him. (In my experience, boys respond much better to dads and male coaches than moms.) That will help build his confidence. There are also summer camp options through the rec dept or AYSO. Our rec dept has a "mini-hawk" program that is half day for two weeks, and they learn the basics of soccer, basketball and baseball. A "class" or "lesson" might be less initmidating to him than joining a team with competitive games.

The other part of the problem is general shyness/awkwardness with meeting new people. I expect it would be much easier if if he knew other children that were also doing the camp or joining the team. My son is a bit more willing to try something if his sister or a friend was going to be there too. You might need to sit out and watch with him for the first hour or day. Give him time to feel ready to join in. But that can be embarrasing too. It would be even better to watch another team/camp session, so he can observe without feeling like everyone is wondering why he is just watching...

I hope this helps,
D.

My daughter is 5. She only likes to do things she can do well. My suggestion is that you do everything to NOT draw attention to him. Grace used to start to do something, then when people would notice or clap, she would hide and nearly cry. We came up with the thumbs up signal. I can quietly give her the thumbs up, which makes her smile and seems to give her encouragement.

Good luck!

You might want to pick up a book called "The Introvert Advantage" My husband is an introvert and I am an extrovert. This book helped us to understand each other, it might help you understand your son. It's an easy read too.

N.