5 Yr. Old Potty-trained Girl Having "Accidents" in Pants-please Help!

The first thing I would do is take her to the pediatrician to rule out a physical problem. Then I would find her a good play therapist because this sounds like an emotional problem; she is clearly having adjustment issues and maybe even has an attachment disorder. A child trying to deal with those things is tough and she is probably doing what she has to do to cope with it all. It would probably help her a lot to see a play therapist; because children cannot always verbally express what is going on inside they use play to do so and a good therapist will use play to help her work through her emotional issues.

Yes, domestic/family issues more than likely have everything to do with the potty regression. It is common for young children to try to solve emotional issues this way. This poor child has so little control over this most distressing situation, she's taking control in whatever way she can get it, probably without consciously thinking about it.

Particularly if the little sis, who gets favored by Mommy, is quite a bit younger, perhaps even in diapers, the older girl may want to be more like an infant that needs similar care. In her own mind, that may win her the love and attention she's craving. She may also have deep jealousy of her younger sibling, and potty regression is a much-used way for children to silently cry for more attention and to express anger.

All behaviors, even in adults, are intended to meet some need. Unfortunately, young children don't have the wisdom or experience to choose very effective behaviors. Your friend would probably do well to read up on some of the most current parent coaching to help understand such behaviors and have some good, workable strategies to help the child communicate her needs better.

Lots of parents believe that punishment will get the desired results. In a case like this, punitive treatment of the child will probably only convince her that nobody's on her side, making her more angry, frustrated and hopeless. She could start acting out in other ways, as well.

Here are some fabulous resources for helping any parent understand, communicate with, and support their child better, while helping the child to understand that there are more effective ways to behave:

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman. Your friend can also google Emotion Coaching for lots of useful information. (Here's one good link to get her started: http://www.education.com/reference/article/important-pare... .)

There are also some terrific books working with related techniques. The one at the top of my list is by Faber and Mazlish, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. The methods make for good emotional connections, resulting in happy, cooperative and (mostly) obedient children.

It the child is being rejected by her mom because she's a "handful," your friend may also appreciate Raising Your Spirited Child, by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Your friend can read its encouraging reviews on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Percept...

Whatever your friend does, I hope she'll remember she has two obstacles that will require tremendous patience: (1) She's a stepmom, coming in late on a problem she didn't create. (2) The child is emotionally wounded. She shouldn't blame herself if helping this little girl handle her problems doesn't come easily.

And there's a possibiliy that the child has a constitpation problem called Encopresis. It might be a good idea to have a medical checkup so she can run the problems by the pediatrician.

Tell your friend not to start her in school until this problem is resolved. There is something more going on here. Those adults who do not wish to "deal" with a five year old child who is clearly suffering, should hang their heads in shame.

Blessings....

She may be testing her mom's love for her (and her patience). She wants to find out if she's still loveable even when she's naughty after being rejected by her "real" mother. Have your friend reassure her and ask the child to be part of the solution. She may suggest a reward that would inspire her to keep her pants clean.

My daughter did this exact same thing when she moved from her pre-school class to pre-Kindergarten. All of a sudden she was pooping in her pants on purpose.

After a lot of talking to her it came out that she did not like being promoted to pre-K where they had to do actual school work and wanted to go back to her old pre-school class where they played all day.

She had decided that if she started acting like a younger kid (i.e. pooping in her pants) she would be returned to the younger class.

We had to lay down the law with her and tell her that no amount of pooping in her pants would change the reality of her class assignment. She would still need to do her schoolwork but she would additionally get in trouble for soiling herself.

Sounds to me like you are right on the money about this being a reaction to her mother giving her up. Despite her bravado about not caring. I wonder if she is testing your friend to see if she misbehaves will they send her away too.

Maybe a tough love talk is in order letting her know that no matter what she does they are not giving her up.
Couldn't hurt to try. Good Luck!

How very sad, all that you have explained. It sounds like this child is hurting so deeply emotionally that she is resorting to soiling her pants to get the much needed attention she is craving. I wish I had advice, I just wanted to express my concern and sympathy for this child. I hope you find clear and helpful advice here.

There is a LOT of stress in this child's life plus she seems to understand she can manipulate the adults if she doesn't like a situation. What will she do when she gets upset at your friend or her father? It must be very frightening for a child to believe she is not wanted. Get her professional help FAST. Good luck

My totally potty trained daughter had a regression. It was shortly before my seperation from my husband. The day care staff took me asaide and asked if there was anything going on at home because my girl was suddenly having accidents. As soon as we split, the accidents stopped. The tension in our home was manifesting at day care. That could really be the case here.

Most likely this is emotional given her situation. Regressing is common when young children are under emotional stress. I saw this kind of thing all the time when I worked with children in foster care. It is probably worth checking with the pediatrician just in case. If the issue is with school maybe talking to the teacher and/or school counselor privately at the start of the year. There are pull ups for bigger kids who are bedwetters if needed.

Probably counseling will help most. I'd tell your friend to look for a counselor who has experience with kids, family therapy and maybe play therapy. Many times kids under 7 are still magical thinkers and many times do better working things by playing than just talking. I don't know how the parents get along or not but if the biological mother is not a completely lost cause it might be good for the adults to arrange some kind of limited, supervised visits (as long as they are positive). Some one needs to make sure the child knows it is not her fault her mother is not able to do a good job as a parent.

Have her take her off all milk products for 3 weeks. She suddenly can't digest the milk protein called casein. Look up casein free diets. The only way to check this is to eliminate it for a few weeks and see. She has to read every single label of any processed food and take all milk,soy, cheese, yogurt and dairy out of her diet.

Yes, definitely, it could be due to really bad constipation where her poops get so backed up that it stretches the nerves so she can't even feel the urge to go. Then poops get pushed out just from the pressure and she is too embarrassed to say anything (or fears punishment) so she doesn't say anything. A lot of parents don't realize it's constipation b/c sometimes it could be liquidy "streaks" that leak out around the really hard poops onto the underwear, but it's called encopresis. She needs to go to the pediatrician - they'll get her on enemas and suppositories and then laxatives until she starts feeling the urge to go again. Sorry you all are going through this, but you'll make it. But then you have to keep her on a diet where she has a BM everyday so that this doesn't happen again. Best of luck to you all!

yes it could be caused by an emotional thing. maybe some counseling or other professional help could help get to the root of the problem.

It could be psychological (I'm sure she is devastated by her mom's rejection--no matter WHAT she may say. She is rejecting her b/c of the accidents???!!! This little O. probably needs some counseling whether the "accidents" are related or not!)

***Also, have your friend google "encopresis" and see if it applies. If so, she should talk to the pediatrician about treatment.***