5 Year Old Daughter Removed from Daycare

It would seem that she was not removed from daycare for this one incident, but because it was another in a series of problems. Throwing things, biting, and fighting are not normal/appropriate behavior. If she has shown aggressive behavior in the past, the director has probably received complaints from other parents (and rightly so).

Is there ANY possibility that she was sexually molested? Have you had any new babysitters, friends, family watch her? Have you talked with her about it? What did she say? What did she say she was trying to do? You need to get to the root of the issue instead of cover up. See if she was playing doctor or whatever.....keep asking til you feel satisfied with the answer.

I think removing her was appropriate, she has to learn that she can't touch anyone that way. I would keep talking and work on her behaviors.

As far as telling her, say " Sally, I am sorry to tell you this, but when you touched X at daycare, that was not ok. Daycare is not letting you come back because you did X to X. " Then see what she says or does.

I see a lot of red flags here. I can see a 2 or 3 year old biting or throwing a temper tantrum. That's developmentally appropriate. A 5-year old biting and throwing things? Absolutely not. You say she's like any 5 year old, but not all 5 year olds fight, bite, and throw things. A 5 year old should not be doing these things. And now inappropriately touching another child? Again, at 5 she should know better.

Maybe she's had something else going on in her life that you aren't mentioning here. But if not - you need to have a talk with her now. You should have already started conversations with her about good touches and bad touches. And I hope you are dealing with the temper tantrums by disciplining appropriately, or you are going to have a major issue next year in kindergarten.

And I don't blame this center for drawing the line. It's probably not just this most recent issue, but this is the last straw when it comes to your child's behavior. I hope you see this as a wake-up call.

As for explaining it to her, this is her first lesson in consequences. She hurt other children at her school, and now she's can't go back. It's as simple as that.

As a daycare provider, I would absolutely have asked your daughter to leave. First, I would never allow a 5 year old who bites, hits and kicks to remain in my program. That behavior is, while age appropriate, unacceptable and stopped at 18 months. For a 5 year old to still be acting that way puts the rest of the kids at risk. I simply will not allow ANYONE to hurt the kids in my care and that includes other children who are aggressive and violent when they are old enough to know better. The fact that she took that behavior a step forward and inappropriatly touched another child was simply their final straw. You stated something about them asking her to leave since they didn't know how you would reply. That leads me to believe they have approached you before about her behavior and that they feel you haven't addressed it. They just weren't willing to risk having your daughter continue to hurt her peers and open themselves up to a lawsuit, since they are responsible for keeping the children in their care safe from harm. Your daughter became a liability and a very serious risk. Please take this as the wake-up call it should be. Your daughter's behavior is a serious problem that needs to be addressed immediately. Don't just brush this off as their fault for kicking her out.

Yes it was appropriate to remove her from daycare. Put yourself in the shoes of the other parents - if there was a child who has been fighting/biting and more with multiple time-outs and no change and now inappropriate touching. you would want that child removed - I know I would. Your daughter is old enough to not be doing that behavior and you need to deal with that, speak to your Pedi about suggestions to correct her behavior, even if it means seeing a psychologist (play therapy can be wonderful for children to learn how to handle aggression).

As for explaining the situation - tell her the truth....her behavior (fighting, biting and this latest situation) means she can not go back to the school. She is old enough to understand actions/consequences. Let her know that you know she can be a good girl and is a good girl but these behaviors has to stop NOW!! It will be alot worse once she is in regular school, for not just her but you.

EDIT:
Christy J - Sorry but when a child has a history of being aggressive (as this mother has stated) then businesses need to put the safety of the group ahead of the 1 child. It is not the daycare's job to teach her how to handle her aggression it is the parent's job. As for the time-out issue - if the child is fighting/biting then YES a timeout is warranted and appropriate. This little girl is a danger to other children and it is the right decision. Also keep in mind too that the other parents maybe saying that if this child is allowed to return we will leave and then the daycare loses even more money.

I worked at a center where the older sibling of one of the toddlers in my group was molested by some other boys. They were going behind a playhouse and pulling down his pants, and touching him, forcing him to touch himself.

The parents only caught on to all of this when the older child began doing this to *his* little sister and they caught him. Sad, but true. The boy wasn't a bad kid, but was coping with being victimized himself. The parents got some help for him. His little sister was a toddler and, last I heard, seemed unfazed regarding the incident with brother.

While there certainly were some issues with the teachers, (and I had brought this to the attention of our director repeatedly), what about the little boy? Was he to go back to that classroom each day with the kids who molested him? Once his parents caught on, he began to know how bad what had happened to *him* really was. Unfortunately, in this case, the director didn't exclude any of the children, including the very overtly mean boy who was the 'leader' of these events.

The poor parents of the boy were then in the horrible position of having to pull both their children out of daycare, which they did. Their older son stayed in with us the toddler room for the remaining time at the center, with constant supervision by an adult.

I know you are upset that the inappropriate touch happened, I am sure. However, everyone who states that the daycare had their hands tied was right. At what point does the staff say "okay, *now* it's enough to warrant exclusion from care"? What if it had been your daughter who was being hit, bitten and then touched by another child?

You would want that kid gone.

That daycare center I worked at, so many years ago, was so fortunate that the parents choose the path of "lesson learned" and didn't sue--- they instead found a better care option for their family, also a new place where this little boy wouldn't have to live in fear that these kids would bother him again.

Letting your daughter know that her actions mean that she cannot be at *that* daycare any more is reasonable. (I would refrain from saying "no daycare" so this isn't a great way to get out of going to daycare in the future... acting up, that is.) Let her know that it is NEVER okay to touch another person's private parts, even if they are playing. There are other things to play. Her body is private for her, and she needs to remember that for other kids. And I agree with a behavioral evaluation. Kids do move through moods relatively quickly, but if she's having such strong swings in behavior as you describe, there's some sort of skill or piece missing (self-regulation, for starters) which she needs going forward.

And in answer to your last question: yes, removal from care was the first, best solution for the daycare and the children there. That does not mean that your daughter doesn't need additional help, it's just that the onus is not on them to provide it.

Unfortunately, I think removing your daughter was the appropriate action by the center. With this incident, they are on notice. If it happened again, they would be subject to being sued because they knew that there was this possibility, yet did nothing about it.

Sorry, but you're going to have to find a new center and explain to your daughter that she has to go to a new school because of the touching. She needs to really know how serious her actions are/were.

Why was she in a position where she was able to do this? Kids are young, curious about differences and don't understand sexuality. Chances are she didn't do anything wrong for her age. Honestly the fact that they blame her, but don't take any responsibility for thier allowing it to happen is a shame. The kids should never be in a position to do that. I don't think that removing her was the solution, but maybe you are better for not being at that daycare.

They had to remove her or risk legal trouble from the other child's parents. I can understand why they removed her. Yes, it would have been preferable had they worked with her on behavior -- but if things are to the point of inappropriate touching, it's too late. They and you should have worked with her much more, much earlier, when she was fighting, biting, etc. In fact if she bit more than once I'm surprised she was not removed due to just the biting, which most day cares and preschools take very seriously.

Was her day care also a preschool? Did it have structure, learning, clear expectations for kids' behavior that the kids could understand, and clear, swift discipline that fit the behavior? Or was it loose and unstructured and a free-for-all where kids could get rough and might not get caught by an adult? I suspect the latter if, at five, she was still acting this way.

Please take a couple of steps. The first one you already know -- she must have this explained to her so she knows that her own choices are what got her removed. Not another child's actions; not the teacher being mean; but her own choices.

I do not believe that every kid who acts up has some "condition" but in her case my next step would be to have her evaluated. Call your pediatrician today and tell him or her that your child has aggression issues and possible impulse control problems. Get a referral to a specialist who will observe her. The fact that she is as old as five and still bites and hits is troubling.

I would not put her into another day care right away. If someone can stay home with her full-time for quite a while, that would allow time to work with her on behaviors. Get her into a mom-and-me group or parent-and-child classes at recreation centers etc. so she is around other kids but an adult is there to monitor her and guide behavior. She needs practice in how to act around other kids. Praise her a lot when she does well but also have a plan in advance of what you will do when she lays even a finger on another child. And definitely ask a professional how you can work on her aggression.

If she is due to start kindergarten in the fall you really MUST have these behaviors ended before that or put off kindergarten another year. These behaviours would be utterly unacceptable in K -- not just touching but hitting and biting. You would be in the principal's office by the end of the first week. Kindergarten teachers have zero time to deal with these behaviors; they have much larger classes than day cares or preschools and must get the curriculum taught; they will not be able to work with her on her aggression and she will be asked to leave, again.

A 5 year old who hits, kicks and bites can be expelled from her daycare for those repeated aggressions alone. Your daughter is not a toddler, these are not normal or acceptable behaviors at her age. That's not being a little bit aggressive and it's not behavior that you should make excuses for. Add inappropriate touching to that, and I think they had no choice but to remove her from the program. I hope that you are able to get your daughter the help that she needs for whatever underlying issue is causing her aggression toward others.

Just for perspective's sake (not trying to sound snarky), but "all children" do NOT have moments where they're "all mad throwing things." Biting and hitting are NOT age appropriate or typical at 5 the way they are at 2. These are NOT small issues, they may have asked her to leave soon even without the most recent event.

It doesn't sound like the daycare is a good fit for her, it's probably best for everyone involved to find another arrangement for after-school time. Perhaps removing her isn't the solution to your DAUGHTER's inappropriate behavior, but SHE is not the priority for the daycare. Removing her does solve the problem for their program if they see her as a disruption to the safety and happiness of the other students.

As far as explaining it to her... I'd tell the truth. You behaved badly at daycare and you are no longer allowed to go there. When you act inappropriately, throw fits, or hurt other children, other people do not want to be with you.

Something isn't matching up in your story. You say your daughter has never done anything yet she's aggressive to other children. A daycare/preschool wouldn't simply kick a child out for a first time offense that was a misunderstanding. Nor would they do it unless the child had some other serious behavior problems. And the fact that prior to this incident she was already seeing a child psychologist for therapy... yeah, you've got some huge gaps in your story here.

There's an awful lot you're not saying here, but you want us to assume that your daughter is innocent here and she very well may be... except she did do something serious enough to get kicked out of daycare and it had to have followed chronic poor behavior and issues.

Whatever your daughter did, no matter who told her to or whatever which I'm sorry but I sincerely have to call into question, she did it and the school took dramatic action that they had every right to take. They're a private business and have the right to refuse the business of anyone for any reason or no reason at all. If your daughter was deemed a danger to other children, then they absolutely did the right thing. And maybe you need a new child psychiatrist.

Well it sounds like things are not working well for her at that daycare anyway so it sounds beneficial to look for a new daycare. Something at that day care does not mesh well with your daughter. Look for one with good structure and a good handle on discipline. What consequences do they give if a child acts out? Let the teacher know your daughter is seeing a therapist and is working on some issues like aggressiveness. That way your teacher can try to nip it in the bud and keep an extra eye on her. Besides black and white consequences for your daughter for when she does something wrong, EVERY TIME, and also make sure you praise her and give her lots of positive reinforcement when she is doing something right. And of course give her a talk about private parts and how they are private. No one is to touch hers and she is not to touch anyone elses.

Some daycare providers are just poorly trained. We had a similar situation and our son was kicked out. Afterwards, they reported to CPS that my son may have been sexually abused. CPS showed up at our door unannounced and interviewed my son, older daughter, husband and I, all in separate rooms. I've never been so frightened in my whole life. In the end, they said the center was wrong for reporting it. They saw no signs of any such thing and said he was just a typical curious little boy that was more precocious that the average. They said it was only of concern when kids do things they can't naturally be curious about, things that someone would have to teach them or show them or do to them. Whew!
If I were you, I'd be happy to be done with them. And I'd find me a new daycare. Good luck!

no! removing her from daycare is not the solution. Shame on this center for taking this action.
Sounds like they need some training on developmentally appropriate practices and how to handle challenging children (I am a bit suprised they use time out, too! many centers don't use time out unless the child is a danger to themselves or others in that moment) anyways. If the center won't take her back, good riddance. Find a head start or other pre-k program that knows how to teach children to manage their feelings and use self expression to overcome issues, not just stickthem in the corner.

I don't think you explain it any differently - however, it could be a good time to explain to her the realities of some situationsand because she is going to Big Girl school next year she needs to know that someimtes you don't get a second chance. For example - in little kid school if you hit or bite, you were put in time out and would get a second chance to do the right thing. In big girl school, they don't do things that way. there are no second chances. OR whatever good, non-scary examples you can use to demonstrate the situation of no second chances.
Then say this is one of those times. A good, but hard lesson to learn.

Just to be logical. A daycare is a business and they have to care for everyone's children not just your bundle of joy. On an effort/ cost control basis would you want to keep a kid that is having mood swings that turn violent, hurting other kids and now being involved in inappropriate "touching"?
She sounds troubled. I would have quit my job and be spending every minute with my child trying to get her in a better emotional place. Writing on the wall. This day care is not working for your child. Other things may be not working for your child either, but I would not send my child back to a place where she feels that she must revert to this type of behavior (hitting, biting, fighting, being told to touch people etc.)to survive.
She is about to enter school and if you do not get a handle on this then your problems are about to really get started.

I agree with Leigh. If she's in an unstructured, free-for-all daycare, she'll mirror that climate in her play. She could very well be a bright, vibrant, wonderful child who's just not a natural at self-regulation. If so, all she needs is more structure -- and soon, since this stuff is NOT tolerated in kindergarten. I can't recommend Montessori schools enough.

I would call the center and tell them the little boy instigated it so they can keep a closer eye on him. I think they totally overreacted about this. IF this were the only thing she was doing. IF the other stuff was building up to a point where they really don't want to deal with her anymore then I can sort of understand that. I know what it's like to have an aggressive child in the center. It can be stressful for the whole class. But it doesn't sound like what she was doing was all that bad.

I'd be upset too. No warnings, no signing a paper saying you'd had a conversation about this, nothing but a stop coming notice.

My son when he was 2 gave a kid a black eye. Other than that neither of my kids hit or bite. There are those kids who do in there class and after so many times they bite they are asked to leave the daycare. Its the policey of the daycare as to protect those kids who arent causing physical issues.

As far as the inapproperate touching. I believe that is just childs development and learning. But think about it in the other parents shoes. You dropped your daughter off and some boy touched her inapproperatly. I think you might blow a gasket. I know I would. Its switched around and its your own child so you dont think as much of it as if they were harmed. As parents we some what go overboard. But I can tell you not every kid bites, hits or is agressive. And there are kids who are...does not mean your child or any child who is agressive is bad but the behavior can be harmful to others and has to be removed. At five she should know better...and does know better. Teach her to listen to the voice inside that tells her right from wrong.