Hello There!
My 5 Y/O son has developed a bad habit that he does ALL THE TIME. He "plays" with himself. His hands are always in his pants. In the bath, watching TV, walking around (even in the stores), pretty much constantly. It started off as a nervous habit I noticed about a year ago, he would hold himself from the outside of his pants. Now it's just a constant thing we are battleing, continiously telling him to get his hands out of his pants...............he thinks it's funny and says they are in his pockets....but it's clearly not the case. Have any of you ever had to deal with this? I know it's a "natural" thing for boys to do from time to time, I've tried explaining to him that his habit is something he shouldn't do around other people, but he's starting Kindergarden in a few weeks and I don't want him to be teased, and since he does this a lot, esspecially when he's nervous, I can only think he'll do it much more with the big change of going to school, while being at school. Around new people, he's very quiet, shy and doesn't talk and is very sensitive emotionally. Any tips on how to put this habit to a stop. Thanks for your help!
I have a funny story to share. My best friend and I both have 5-year-old boys who do the same thing, on the outside of their pants. She recently asked her son why he does it, and he replied, "because I have one and you don't!"
As a former special ed. teacher I have encountered this a lot. Often, if you give him a "fidget" to put in his pocket he will fiddle with that and leave himself alone. You will probably have to experiment with different things to find the right substitute, but it does work over time.
Dear C.,
Though sometimes can be embaressing, it is quite natural and normal for young boys to do this. They are not thinking in sexual terms. They just found something that feels good so they do it. The less attention you give it, the faster they usually grow out of it. If it persists like it did with my eldest son, I just taught him that it was only appropriate in his room, or bathroom with the door shut and with no one else in there.
Being 8 yrs old, my son has stopped all together(at least in front of other people). My younger son just turned four and is doing it now too. It is a process but a normal one.
Hope this helps
D.
I have three boys so I know what you are going through. When my oldest was around 4 he started doing the same thing. Whenever we said something he would laugh and keep doing it. I talked to my mother about it and she came up with the following: I told him that it was a private thing to touch yourself and shouldn't be done around others. I told him that if and when he decided to touch himself, he had to go into his bedroom and stay there until he was finished then he could come out. You don't want him to think it's a bad thing that he is doing, but that he does need to do it in privacy. I would remind him every time he put his hand in his pants that he needed to go into his bedroom for privacy. After a while, he got tired of being alone that he stopped doing it. I feel that the key is not to make him feel bad for doing it. If you continue to remind him to go to his room, I think he will stop doing it. :)
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about this. All children, boys and girls, at this age learn from self-exploration. They aren't sure what their body parts do. They are learning new "feelings" that they get when they do certain things to certain parts of their bodies. They are curious. Child psychologists and doctors will all tell you not to worry about it. There is nothing wrong with it. In fact, I can tell you as a nurse, that the one thing you can do to make him stop is to STOP MAKING A BIG DEAL OF IT. I know it's embarrassing for the parent, but the thing is...it's NOT embarrassing for the kid. They don't know any better. If you start making your son feel ashamed for doing it or making him feel like he's doing something bad, he'll not only continue to do it, but he'll grow up with an unhealthy outlook about sex and his body, and he could grow up with self-esteem problems or he could grow up with unhealthy ideas about sex (fetishes, promiscuity, etc.). These are all proven facts through medical and psychological data.
My daughter is 6-1/2 yrs. old. She went through this same phase at 5. I told her if she was curious, she could "explore", but that I did not want her to hurt herself. I explained to her that it is her body and if she wants to learn about it, she can, but if I tell her that what she is doing will hurt her, then she can not do that. Her pediatrician told me that was the best thing that I could have done for her. On a Mommy-note....she stopped! :) She explored a few times, and she asked me what the different parts of her private were for. It was more of a learning experience for her. She was only 5, the same age as your son.
Maybe you should sit down with him and explain to him what his body part is called, what it is for, and that it is HIS body part and he can touch it when he thinks he needs to, but that you don't want him to hurt himself.
I will echo the "appropriateness of place" advice of other moms, i.e. allowing exploring in the bathroom or bedroom. I would also encourage you to send an e-mail or voice mail to the school social worker at your son's new school sharing your concerns about his emotional sensitivity and nervous habit. At my kids' school there is no stigma about going to the counselor just to talk, and she always has great coping strategies that I might not have thought of.
He needs to wash his hands for 30 seconds with soap and water each time he touches himself just like when he goes to the bathroom. He may have to wash 1000 times the first couple days, but he will soon get tired of washing all the time and not getting any playing done. Also, make a decision with him about what he can do with nervous hands. Can he fold them? Can he rub the seam on the outside leg of his jeans? You need to help him replace the bad habit with a better choice.
I just wanted to add that once he gets to kindergarten he is likely to be kept too busy to do anything other than school.....
My brother was a thumb sucker and the teacher asked my mom what to do about it. My mom didn't believe in making him stop - but knew that he only did it when bored or tired. So she told the teacher - give him something to do with his hands.
five year olds are very smart. the way we address this (my daughter does this too) is since she started this around age three or so (even as a baby kids are curious) I said you can do this in the privacy of your room but not in public. she understands private versus public. seems to have handled the concerns I too had about her getting reamed by peers. age five is when friendships start to matter MUCH more so your concerns are fair. but it's natural for children to do this ...it does not mean someone is abusing them....just teach them it's a private thing.
If you keep making a big deal about it he is going to keep doing it more than normal. My son is 4 and does it as well. We ignore it, and just tell him to wash his hands - alot. If your son is nervous about kindergarten, it could be making the situation worse. I only know to tell you that ignoring it is the best answer. Keep positive and excited about him going to Kindergarten - until he is not around and then it is ok to cry - I did for 2 weeks when my first went to school. Good luck to you, E.
My son started doing that around the same age. We told him it was fine to do that, but he needed to go in the bathroom whenever he wanted to "explore". If you take him in to the bathroom everytime he does it he will learn, but also my son stopped doing it because he didn't want to be in the bathroom when he was playing. Also, be sure not to make him feel it is bad or dirty, because this will hurt him later when he is in his teen years and he is really curious, he won't ask for help or ask any questions, because he will remember you think its bad. Good luck! It worked for us.
Hi C. - I taught 3-5 year old children for many years. He needs to be re-directed to do something else with his hands. I promise the Kindergarten teacher will not be surprised or judgemental - she sees it all the time. Sincerely, G.
*rolls eyes* gawwwd, little boys! My son did this when he was about 3, it was like he just had to make sure it was there. LOL He did it when he'd be watching tv, there he'd sit with his hand in his pants(at that age most of his pants had the elastic waist so easy access). My husband would laugh and say "Go look at little Al Bundy sitting on the couch".(he didn't say it in front of my son, so my son never got the idea that it was funny or ok) We did make him understand that if he was going to do that, it had to be only in his own room. In a public area, like the family room it wasn't acceptable. To my knowlege he never did it at Pre-school.
Just be consistant, and firm about appropriate time and place (his room, when no one is around)and he should get the idea of "boundaries" and public versus private behavior.
My son had a similar habit~he played with his 'boobs' so his hands were constantly up his shirt. I usually tried to find someway for him to occupy his hands when he would start. It usually seemed to help. He even started realizing when he would start to do it and would get something to hold onto or whatever. Something you could do is tell him that if he needs to do it, then he has to go to the bathroom and do it. That seems to work pretty well. The first few times they are like, "okay I'll go, cool I still can do it." Then they realize they are missing out on some things and eventually stop completely, or at least it would lessen quite a bit. Good luck!
Although it's a stage that most little boys go through, if he's doing it in public I can understand your embarassment and your worry. When my little guy went through this, we told him that playing with himself was okay but that it was something he needed to do in private. When we would see him playing with himself we would say, "Do you need some private time?" and if he answered yes, we would take him to his room or the bathroom and close the door. We would explain that he could come out when he was done. After awhile, the behavior kind of lost its luster....
Hi, C.. It is my guess that he is doing this so much because he knows it irritates you. Try "laying low" about it and see what happens in a weeks time. In school, he will probably get talked to about it by the teacher or a child and it will decrease on its own. Praise him when he is doing something with his hands other than having his hands in his pants. You can also try telling him to go to the bathroom if he needs to have his hands there, but it is not something to do around others. Good Luck and God Bless.
