5 Year-old Is Too Busy Playing to Use the Restroom

N. - please pass along any advice you get on this! my 4.5 year is having accidents as well and it's driving me crazy. he refusing to go #2 away from home and is therefore having accidents in school and on playdates. i've had to stop all playdates for him which is really difficult since i'm pregnant and really need him as occupied as possible.
one thing we are going to try is a potty chart, yes - like when toilet training. the emphasis though is goign to be on using the toilet, not keeping his pants dry. if we reward dry pants it just motivates my son to hold it all in for longer.

I had a similar problem with one of my twin daughters. I ask her, she says no. Then she was running to the bathroom and usually did not make it. So, I do not ask her anymore. I TELL her to go. I watched her pattern, know about the time she should go and tell her to do so. If she says she did and didn’t, at that time I discipline her.

Hope this helps!

Dear N.,
My son did something similar for awhile. I used a sticker chart as reward for every day he stayed dry/clean. After 10 stickers he got a new book or toy. We did this for about a month or so. After that I just left the sticker chart up for a few more months and he stayed dry. Except for when he's been sick, we've had no accidents since.

Hope this helps.

L.

I went through something like this about 6 months ago with my 4 year old. He loves wearing shorts so we told him that when he pees in his shorts he has to wear long pants for the rest of the day. It only happened two or three more times before he caught on that we were serious and mysteriously started going in the potty when he needed to. So my suggestion is that you take her to the store and let her choose any underwear she wants and you choose some she definitely doesn't want (ie boys underwear) and when she remembers to go in the toilet she gets to wear hers but when she has an accident she must wear the ones she doesn't want. I believe in the "natural consequences" of our actions. I don't think of it as a punishment. It's just what happens when we make certain choices. I hope it helps!

Okay, I come from a big family and from my experience, it might sound like she is feeling a bit neglected with so many kids in the house. This could be a sign for your attention which she is obviously getting when she wets her panse. Maybe you should try arranging special time with her once a week, just you and her, girl time, daddy can watch the kids. You should also consult your pediatrian in regards to potty training, and for any kind of possible infection. You can also try the reward system. After breakfast, have her sit on the toliet until she goes, and then give her a reward, something she likes. Never punish. Hopefully this helps. Good luck!

Walk her to the bathroom & sit her on the toilet, instead of asking her permission.

I think this is common... my stepson had that happen a handful of times. Sometimes he'd almost make it to the potty but didn't.

I then took it upon myself to ask him / remind him to go potty. And if he refused a few times, I would make him take a break and at least go "try to pee" (since he always said he didn't need to). To his suprise, he could if he tried!

No--don't punish her for having accidents. Don't ask her if she needs to use the bathroom--just take her there every hour or however often she usually goes. At five-years-old, she doesn't have the willpower to stop playing.

I needed to get my 4 year old boy potty trained for pre-school. Two weeks before school started we set up a timer shaped like a chicky. We set the timer and had "Chicky" remind him to try to go to the bathroom. My older son cheered him on. I no longer was the big meanie mommie reminding him to stop playing to use the bathroom. Amazingly within two weeks he was trained. He had occasional accidents, but I told him it was not a big deal. You may want to set up a timer for your daughter.

Dear N.,
My 6yr old still sometimes forgot the bathroom! (Hardly ever my 5YO son... hmmm...) I would suggest you just take her for regular bathroom breaks instead of asking her. Then remind her why she needs to go "we are going to the bathroom to be sure you don't have an accident". Make her try.

In her mind she is probably thinking "I have time" and is busy playing. So,just force her to think about it and it can be very loving. I did this with my daughter and it worked.

Warmly,
P.

Hi N.,

I have an 8-year-old girl that went through a similar situation. I call it "the busy girl syndrome" She just would not take the time to stop playing and go. I would always have to remind her to go. I also explained that it was very important for her body to get rid of the waste in a timely fashion. She did get a urinary tract infection once and I believe it stemmed from holding to long. Please do not punish her for this! Just remind her how important it is to stop and go. She would always ask me if I was mad at her for an accident, and I assured her that at that very moment that I was not angry, but I remided her again to be sure she stops what she is doing and goes straight away. It has worked! We have not had any issues for quite sometime. :)
M.

Wow, lots of great advice. I would suggest you kind of start the potty training again. Set a timer for every hour and when it dings, she has to use the bathroom whether she needs it or not. After a little bit, she'll become annoyed with this and make an effort on her own (hopefully). Also, Target and Babies R Us have the kind of underwear with extra padding in them. It may help protect her clothing and give her an extra few seconds if she is just leaking. As for the #2 situation, pull ups when she goes to someone elses house until this is over??? That gives the mom some extra comfort about getting her cleaned up, clothing, etc. Lets face it, cleaning up baby poop is cute, cleaning up 5 year old poop, not so much! Good luck.

What ever you do, don't punish her! That is going to open a whole new can of worms, developmentally!

I would suggest that instead of asking her if she needs to go, actually take her. Say, it is potty time. Don't make it a battle, but a non-issue; this is what we do, now. Regularly through-out the day, take her by the hand and guide her, not pull. Distract her from the fact that you are taking her away from what she is doing. Perhaps first ask her what she is doing, then reach out for her hand, most likely she will automatically take yours. Gently guide her while you are talking about whatever. I know that it sounds like a pain, but in the long run, it will be worth it.

Good luck!

C.

I have a six year old boy who has gone through the same thing. It has gotten a bit better, but he still does get distracted with things too easily and when he finally acknowledges the need, it is nearly too late. He either leaks a little in his pants before he makes it or makes it just barely. He also doesn't stay dry at night at all. The Urologist has recommended a count-down watch for the day that goes off every 1-2 hours, whatever I set it for. Then when it goes off to remind them to go potty, it starts over again. As for his bed wetting the dr. recommended a night time wetness alarm. So that should be here tomorrow and I am excited to put it to use.

Obviously, you are not alone in this. Many children at 4 or 5 have the same issue. My son was one of them. So I decided that since I wasn't getting anywhere ASKING if he needed to go. I would TELL him it was time for a potty break and take him. Even if he didn't feel like he had to go, he had to try and go. Well, when he tried and went, he got praise. If he didn't "produce", fine. He could go back to playing. It took awhile, but the problem was solved. It was just a matter of creating awareness and instilling somewhat of a habit. He felt better not having wet his pants and he still got to play. I learned that making him go rather than asking saved ME from being in a situation when we were out and about that would court disaster. "I gotta go right NOW!!" Especially on car trips.

It's a matter of becoming aware and being responsible. 5 year olds need to be guided in learning this, through repetition and positive reinforcement.

Best wishes,
B

For us, it worked to start making the kids clean it up themself. Pretty quickly they figure out that is no fun, and keeps them away from playing. They do not receive attention for messing their pants.
Also, I have 5 children, and have on and off had 2 "extras" form months at a time. I find these are the times my kids tend to do this the most. Individual morning cuddles help with the need for the physical and emotional attention from mom.

Don't punish her... it is a phase she is going through, and you need to minimize it's importance instead of maximize it. She will grow out of it. This is an developmental issue, not a punishable offense. Be understanding, continue to try to help her out by reminding her to use the bathroom, and this, too, shall pass.
I think Vicki A.'s advice is great, too ~ go back to Pull-Ups for awhile. She needs them. When she doesn't need them anymore she can go back to undies. :0)

it's totally normal. and, you're right - do not punish her. she will outgrow it. Especially when peer pressure kicks in and other kids make fun of her. I used to have this problem with my son. It eventually stopped. Just be prepared with a change of clothes. You might want to make a point of making her go to the bathroom every hour or so whether she has to go or not. She may say she doesn't need to go, but she may not be reading her body's signals because she's too busy.

This may be a reaction to your split attention with the day care and her sister. I would just quietly start her wearing "pull-ups" again, with no negative comments. If she complains, just say that she needs to wear them until she stops having accidents. Just be matter-of-fact. She will eventually want to be like the other kids her age.

I hope your problem is simple and that it is simply she is to busy.
My daughter was fully potty trained, but when she started having accidents every day, I just got mad. Then one day I finaly had enough and confronted her face to face eye to eye and said why are you doing this you know better. Is something wrong or do you like me yelling at you all the time. She told me she couldn't tell me. I then said tell me what? I can't fix it if you don't tell me what the problem is. I didn't give up until I got the answer out of her. The baby sitter and turned from this wonderful loving lady to this mean weird person. She put a blanket on the floor in front of the tv and my child wasn't allowed to get off this blanket. She couldn't sit on the couch with the other children. Couldn't play with the others or with any toys. Had to eat lunch on that blanket. She tells me now that she wasn't allowed to use their bathroom either. 8 hours is an eternity for anyone to hold it. I of couse yelled at my older daughter for not telling me this was happening. Confronted the baby sitter and never took them back to her. The problems stopped no more accidents.

Take her somewhere where you can talk to her eye to eye make her feel she can tell you anything. Talk to her about these accidents see if you can get her to stop.

I hope it's nothing serious. Good Luck! JP

I have the same issues with my 3-almost 4- year old. I think, "she's only 3, give her a break", but her attitude makes me fearful that I will be having these issues when she's 6. She just doesn't care and is unbelievably stubborn. With that said, however, one thing that has worked for me is a "treasure box". If my daughter has gone all day without an accident, then she can choose something from my treasure box before bedtime. It could be doll clothes, a book, playdough, anything inexpensive (usually around $1). I also distinguish between "leaks" and "accidents". It has been my experience with my older son and my daughter that they don't realize they need to go potty until they have a little leak. That was their indicator that it was time to go. My son grew out of the leaks, but my daughter is another story. I don't take away "treasures" if it's a little leak. It's the accidents I'm trying to eliminate. My daughter is now to a stage where she just doesn't tell me and she just goes and changes her clothes on her own. Personally, I'm going to try the "game" and "timer" techniques Sheryl wrote about. This might help improve my daughter's success rate and earn more "treasures". I just wanted to share the treasure idea with you and see if it might work for your 5-year-old. Good luck! And, please share anything that works for you that I may be able to try.

Our son went through this breifly and we made sure of that.

When he had an accident, we'd leave whever we were. Once we had just arrived at the park, asked him if he wanted to go to the bathroom - he said no - and we had been there for about 3 minutes when he had an accident. We left and he was in tears. We didn't get angry, we explained that he made a choice and we didn't have any extra clothes, he stunk and was wet. We couldn't allow him to play with other kids or on the park equiptment all dirty. It only took a few times and he was 2.5 years old....not 5.

A friend's son is 6 and he still does this, but she doesn't leave. She just puts him in a time out and then when she's ready to leave, she does, while his throws a tantrum and makes faces at her the entire time.

N.,

I also have been fighting with my 5 year old and her potty training. I have been working with her for 3 years. One suggestion, is I give her 5 cents every time she goes to the bathroom. When she goes in her pants, she has to give me a nickle back. When she got to a dollar, I took her to the store and she was able to buy anything she wanted with her dollar. This is also a good way to teach her how to count money. I would change the nickles over to quarters. She was also able to count the quarters and nickles so that she knows that she will be going to the store soon.

Let me know if this helps out. It really helps her and it decreases laundry loads.

J.

Hi N.,
You've gotten lots of responses already and I didn't read them all but I wanted to let you know this is very normal. We had the same issue with my 4 year old. I agree that you should NOT punish her for accidents even if it is because she is holding it. This is a long learning process and I believe in positive motivation. You can have a sticker chart and every time she goes on her own (or even as a reminder from you) she gets to choose a sticker to put on the chart and after so many, she gets to go to the dollar store and pick a prize. Have some sort of incentive. Also, as parents I feel it's our job to not just ask them if they have to go, but actually take them to the restroom if it's been a few hours since they went (if you know she tends to hold it). I've had to put toys up (when she's refused to go with me) and tell her she can have them back after she goes - so it is giving her consequences, but rewarding for positive behavior, hence the incentive. Another thing to keep in mind is that "holding it" is something that she can control... By this I mean that it's very possible that something is upsetting her and this is her way of acting out. Kids this young are not always able to verbalize what is troubling them so sometimes they "act out" in ways only they can control. Make sense? My daughter started this "holding it" behavior when we had our second baby. That was a year ago and now we are back on track - and I sometimes still have to remind her and walk her to the restroom. I can tell she has to go when she's jumping around too much and even when I ask her "Do you have to go?" She says no and then I take her and she goes! I hope this helps. Hang in there, this is normal and will get better. Think if there have been any changes in your life/routine since this started. If so, ask her about stuff, help her verbalize her feelings. p.s. My daughter said she hated going to the bathroom because it is boring so I started a game having her say her abc's while sitting on the toilet (we do it quietly if in public) and just before we get to the letter P, she goes 'pee'! silly, but it works and makes it fun).

N.:
First of all, As a licenced childcare provider,your consideration of punishment,as a resolve for lapses in potty training,surprises me. I realize this is your own daughter your talking about,but your obvious lack of knowledge in basic child development, would be a concern for me, if you were attending to my children.It is never appropriate to punish a child for (accidents of this nature) Punishment,wether physical or verbal,will only inhibit their progress and taint what (should be) a (Positive) experience, with feelings of (shame).No matter how frustrating these lapses may be for you, accidents are best handled as (Matter of factly as Possible)You don't yell at or belittle a child. You don't call attention to her shortcomings. This is what will prevent her progress. (Patients is a virtue)Best of luck to you.

Put her back in diapers (not pull-ups, they're just a way for companies to make more money) until she's ready. Either awareness or humiliation will prompt her to get out of diapers. I stay aware of my 4 and 2.5 year old children's toilet frequency depending on their fluid intake. If I feel they should be going, I tell them to go; I am the parent, I decide. We always go before any trip outside of the house or leaving a restaurant.
good luck

My 5 year old does the samething (not to the extream of yours but has had the few drops in her underwear).
I usually see her doing her dance and say do you have to go? She says no and I just tell her to go. She fights me a little but finally goes potty and then gets back to what she was doing. Now most times she will just go but we still have our moments especially when she is having a lot of fun.
I hope this helps.

If you take the children being potty trained every hour on the hour to the bathroom it seems to work. Kids always take 3 steps forward and 1 or 2 steps back. This will happen until they are adults it's called growing up. I'm a mother of 3 ages 20girl/11girl/6boy.

Please beware, if your child has accidents at night after he/she has been potty trained please don't get mad at them. Children's bladders don't always grow at the same rate as the rest of them. You can help them by making them go to the bathroom before YOU go to bed. Even if it is late you can get them to the bathroom just one more time. I have had this with my two younger children and have found that not letting them have anything but water (they never want much of that) after 6pm and one more time before YOU go to sleep. It makes the child feel better waking up dry. My kids both felt so bad that I always told them not to worry it would get better and for both it has.

Don't ask her any more. For the next 2 weeks or so, take her to the bathroom every 3 hours (or whatever her rhythm is). Don't be mean, or shame her, or be punitive, but be firm and create a ritual. Pee, (or try to) wipe and wash. Make sure she knows she has to do this regularly - before you leave the house, or wherever there is a potty - the park, a friend's home, school, the grocery store. And, whenever you arrive someplace with a potty. Getting a routine going always seems to instill a natural drive, a desire to continue that routine even when it is not being enforced by external forces (parents). Good luck!

Totally normal. Even in kindergarten, the same thing happens. Kids don't want to leave the playground to go, etc. I take kids to the bathroom rather than ask. Work in play breaks at home, so that she'll expect to pause from playing. Let friend's mom know that she'll need to stop play and take her to the bathroom rather than just ask. Don't punish, please. It's just her age/immaturity.

Hi N.,

Please don't punish your daughter for having accidents (It doesn't really sound like that's what you want to do anyway) just help her. Here's what I'd do if this was my daughter. I'd speak to her ahead of time, when everyone is calm and she's not playing. I'd explain that I want to help her not have accidents. "Let's think of a solution", I'd say. I'd ask if that sounds good to her. I'd listen to any ideas she has. Five year olds are pretty clever! Then, I might say something like here's a solution.. how about if I set a timer and when you hear it let's go to the bathroom and have a "tinkle try" (or whatever word or phrase works for your daughter). I'd say you don't have to go, you just have to try and see what happens. It could even be like a game. When the timer goes off, we freeze and then you hurry to the bathroom. If you don't like the timer idea you could make up a special code word between you to say with a smile. The code word means 'it's time!' and is only used to remind her to go. I'd also say let's go fast, or hop like bunnies or whatever she relates to. If the problem is she doesn't want to stop playing, maybe these ideas will make the transition from play to potty easier. I've used the tinkle try line of thinking with my own four year old and it's worked well. I think the idea that it's just a try takes some of the pressure off when she thinks she really doesn't have to go (yes, once in a while she's right). I never make her sit long, it's just on, try, and off. Like you said, it's probably just hard to stop playing when you're five years old! Maybe something here will help your daughter to stay dry (: and you not to go bananas :), keep us posted.

All the best,
S.

My 2 year old sometimes doesn't want to stop playing to go potty. I don't ask her a just say lets go potty and when she says I don't have too. I take her little hand and guide her to the potty at the same time I tell her I know you have to go and lets try. I also say to her it's not good for her body to hold it. Then when she goes I praise her like I did when she was being potty trained. After a day or two of doing this, she goes back to going on her own. When ever we are somewhere having lots of fun I do my best to keep an eye on the clock and make her stop activity to go. When I leave her with a freind I make sure to tell just to take her potty. I think when they're asked the feel like they have to option to say no.
good luck
T. H
Mommy of 2. 2 1/2 girl & 13mth boy