4.5 Year Old with Anxiety

Anxiety in kids is so hard to deal with. There is such a fine line between enabling them and freaking them out. If he continues he may need an IEP in school if he is afraid to do a lot of the activities. I also agree with the PPers that he needs therapy. Anxiety is a real disorder and if left untreated can lead to addiction problems when older, especially alcohol.

There are many things a therapist can recommend to help; like behavior modification.

Your child has an anxiety disorder. We all have some kind of disorder - some kids are too friendly, others had ADHD, others have learning disabilities. For some kids the issues don't show up until their binge drinking in their 20's or whatever. Every child is different - how one kid responds will be different than an other.

Take your child to a qualified child psychologist or psychiatrist. I wish I had realized that my daughter's emotional dysregulation was a mental health issue and gotten her care when she was a child. We would have avoided alot of issues in middle & high school that were very painful for her (and us).

This can be so easily addressed by a professional who can help you figure out how to help your child. They ahve techniques that will work now and with some age-adjustements will help your child well into their teens - adulthood. You child will have a first day of school, birthday parties, tests and book reports, etc - you'll do your child a favor if you help him now.

Sending love and support!

I have a child with anxiety, so I know how hard it can be.
Trying to rationalize with an anxious child is very difficult because their worries and fears are irrational, and they know it (like my daughter KNOWS that most of the germs she comes in contact with won't make her sick, but she still struggles with worrying about it.)
Most important thing? Only concentrate on the absolutely necessary stuff. T Ball, swim and other lessons and teams, forget about it. Sure those things could be "fun" but they are creating stress he doesn't need right now. Going to the dentist and doctor IS important, however, and it sounds like he needs some coping skills.
I had a book called "Helping Your Anxious Child" (can't remember the authors) that was FULL of helpful information. Also, if you are really in Lafayette my daughter saw a therapist in San Ramon who was awesome, Lindsay Patton. I would highly recommend her, she is a specialist in child/teen anxiety and stress disorders.
Good luck!

My son has a genetic dental issue so has endured monthly visits. We had a poor result with nitrous( he was more upset about the mask then anything else). What has been effective is role playing at home with stuffed toys and toothbrush etc. play doh Dr Drill and Fill( you practice oral care on the toy). Also, an appropriate dose of oral Benadryl has helped as a mild relaxant. I have given Ativan to patients of my own in the past but we have not needed to be that aggressive. Incentives work for my son so he can earn a prize( a toy) if he is helpful. Helpful merely means opening his mouth with no biting. Some children are more sensitive to smells and tastes so it can make the dental exam very excruciating for them. My son is one of those people. I would also suggest, I was not in the exam of course, but it may require another dentist for this child. A dentist who treats SPD or Autistic kids may have more tricks in their bag and more patience. Our dentist specializes in treating special needs. Although our son does not have special needs per se, he does require more patience from the dentist. You might ask your pediatric practitioner for a recommendation. Best of luck to you. I know how challenging this can be.

I have one child that clung to me, freaked out, etc.. ! She had meltdowns like you are describing, too. It has been quite a road...Luckily, I have a certification to work w/ families. In some cases, some kids need get out of the habit of treating their parents like doormats and have rules established...Like Supernanny. In other cases, kids are fearful because they are "crying" out for help. One of my kids was crying out for help !!!
Your son is 4 1/2. Is he in preschool? How does he do there? What other things does your son do? Is he sensitive to lights, loud sounds, touch, etc... How are his sleeping habits, eating and so on?
Does he follow a routine at home? Does he go to bed easily or does he struggle to get himself to sleep?
For all the years I have worked w/ families, I have found that a child w/ issues such as yours needs to be seen by more than just a pediatrician.
Sometimes these can be sensory processing issues, anxiety, etc, etc, etc...
Since I did work w/ families and knew what to do...I brought my child to a neuropsych, an OT certified in sensory intergration dysfunction, vision therapy doctor,& a therapist, etc...
When school time came, I fought hard to have her under a law so I can have meetings w/ the school team, when needed !! I found that the teachers were not trained to help my child all that much, so I had to be the advocate because they labeled her slow. That was wrong, so, I had the experts come into the school to talk at the meetings ! If kids like ours do not act out in school--and some don't---then, you will have to be your child's advocate.
Start at the pediatrician...
There is a great book entitled, "The Spirited Child."

Up above, you said that this is about your son's temperament and anxiety. I am wondering how your son does at school, at home...I did see that you cannot sign him up for any sport like activities.

Is your son an introvert or does he truly have heightened fears, etc?...Please get him seen. I would not want him to have to go to Kindergarten and freak out when he has to go to gym class, or let his fears get in the way of his learning, etc...
Take the next few months to get him seen by somebody! Maybe it is just something simple. If it's not, you should really find out !
As a parenting teacher, I can tell you that if a child's fears last for a long period, say, 6 months or more or the fears affect make his daily life activities a struggle or affect his capacity to make friends... Then, the child is "asking" for help and it is time to seek out help from a therapist.

Haven't dealt with it yet, and I am dreading it. I know that's how my youngest will behave...she's almost 3, hates the doctor, WILL hate the dentist (not to be a self-fulfilling prophesizer, but I just KNOW she will) and I'm pretty sure she has a cavity. I'm sick to my stomach about it (more about her even HAVING a cavity.) My dentist informed me that they won't even do anything for her unless she's willing to sit for a filling, so they'll refer us to a pediatric something-or-other and I'll have to drive to another town to deal with it. :(

I just posted about my anxious 7 year old... It sounds like your son is overall more anxious than my daughter but she definitely struggled with some actitivies. She's gotten better with age though per my post, isn't happy go lucky at all. But my main point in writing is just in case you're not seeing a really good pediatric dentist, that may help. My daughter was ok with the dentist to a certain point. But when she had 2 cavities, they said she would need to be knocked out for it. She got SO UPSET about flouride treatments... This was a pediatric dentist but I never understood why she chose that specialty as she isn't very good with kids. My husband found one who is and the difference it made! My daughter did totally fine! He says he gets all sorts of kids who other dentists say need to be put under and they're just fine with him. So if you haven't already, ask around for recommendations and try a different dentist. As far as his other anxiety goes, I am curious if he deals with preschool ok. If so, he likely will get better with age as my daughter did. But again, given my post today, it's still a worrisome issue at times.

I think you need to find your child some professional help, so he (and mom and dad) can learn how to cope. This is not healthy for him or your family and will not get any better unless you address the root issue. Do it now, before he starts school, for his sake.

I'm not sure if my sharing my story will help too much since your son is so old now. My son has always been really slow to want to try new things and is very shy. I started him with new things such as gymnastics and swimming when he was really young because I knew it would be easier to get him to try it the younger he was. For swim class, when he would come over and cling to me until it was his turn. I would carry him over and hand him to the instructor in the water and she would take him around while he was crying. Then he would get out and come over to me again. We had to do that several times, but only during 1 lesson. He eventually learned that he would have to get through the lesson. Now he loves to go to swim class. Same type of thing with gymnastics class. I was really worried when I recently signed him up for soccer because I didn't think we could do that now that he is 4. We did talk before class about how it's scary to try new things but once he tries it he really likes it and he should just try it. Luckily he did try it and likes it. He won't talk to the coach or other his teammates yet, but I think that will come if we keep going.
As for the dentist, we started that really young too. We used to ave to do the lap hold where he sits in my lap and then leans back into the dentists lap, while screaming the entire time. The good news is that if he screams, the dentist can see in his mouth really well. We read books about going to the dentist. I've taken him with me so he can see me at the dentist. We talk about how we have to keep our teeth healthy. The last time I took him, he agreed to sit in my lap in the chair and he didn't scream. The dentist still couldn't actually clean his teeth but he is able to get a good look at them. We've also started playing dentist every night. I have to "push the button" for the chair to go down and he leans back onto the bed while I floss his teeth. I'm hoping that the next time we go he will sit in the chair on his own. Sometimes it's baby steps.
Good luck!

You turned the focus of the question toward the dentist visits but the much more serious issue here is that he does this not just at the dentist but for what sounds like ANY outing or any interaction with anyone outside the household. Would you say that's right? That's the impression from the post.

This level of anxiety and refusal to engage in absolutely anything is frankly not normal. A child might not particulary like swimming and might resist it, or a kid might not enjoy t-ball much and complain about going, etc., but a child who is described as "freaking out" to the point he is utterly overwhelmed needs some help.

Please ask the pediatrician for a referral to a counselor or therapist -- one who does play-based therapy and one who specializes in kids this age -- so you can get a really good evaluation. It is entirely possible that this is going to pass in time, but meanwhile, as you note yourself, he is missing out on the simplest things, and -- this is big -- his anxiety is having an extremely negative impact on him physically now (he is going to have serious issues if he does not get his teeth looked after soon). He seems unable to calm himself (a vital skill kids learn over time). A good therapist could find out if this is something that can be worked on with some play therapy -- your son CAN be taught some coping behaviors that could make a big difference, especially if he starts learning those things soon!

He is not far from kindergarten age. You don't mention if he is in a preschool or day care program. If he is not in any form of preschool or other activity outside home -- you are going to have big problems when he's expected to go off to kindergarten and be around other adults who will be strangers to him, and to do what they say, and to be around kids he does not know in a new setting that's unfamiliar. Please start getting him a little help now so he doesn't need a lot of help later. Getting him help does not mean he's "broken" -- it just means he needs a little extra push to get past some things, that's all.