4 Year Old Waking up and Coming into Our Bed

Hi L.,

Your son has separation anxiety,

Check these web sites:

http://baby.lovetoknow.com/wiki/toddler_separation_anxiety

http://life.familyeducation.com/separation-anxiety/toddle...

Hope this helps. D.

I need advice on that too, I have 7 and 5 year old girls who still do that! I am concerned that there are suggestions of separation anxiety for this child. I am a therapist and I hope that others are not diagnosing children on a web chat site. It is dangerous, inappropriate, and unethical, even if you are a therapist. And if you are not a therapist, you have no business diagnosing anyone. Thanks for letting me vent, but this bothers me on these types of websites.

If you truly want your son to feel secure and happy in his own bed at night, you have to enforce it as an absolute rule with no other options. He has learned he can get you to come sleep with him, and he was only doing what he's been allowed to do. Now the only option is introducing hhim to the new system, and enforcing discipline.
Make sure he has a very good fun day, with plenty of good food and exercise so he's comfortable and tired, and tell him in a positive tone that he's a big boy now and he will sleep in his own bed ALL NIGHT. Make it a big happy celebration.
The first time he tries to get out, stay positive but firm that he must stay in his own bed, and that's the rule now. When he disobeys the second time, enforce discipline. Repeat until he gives up for as many nights as it takes. DO NOT go sleep with him and DO NOT let him in your room. If you cave once, the tantrums or whatever tactic he uses will escalate if you try again later.
Go really heavy on the praise and do something special the day after he stays in his bed all night.
If it is obvious that you will not give in, he may cooperate sooner than later. But maybe not, so be prepared. Keep in mind the reward you will feel when he goes to bed happily on his own and you can have all your sleep back! Good luck!
ps, Use the move as the perfect opportunity for him to learn his new big boy role-a brand new start! If you treat it like something frightening that needs sympathy, that's how he will see it too. Otherwise, just wait until you've been there longer so the fear isn't an excuse.

I have this happen with my 5 year old girl and 4 year old boy. Amazingly it is getting better and the key is whatever you do be prepared to do it consistently. If that is sleeping with your child every night then be prepared that they will expect that. I had tried that and only meant to stay til they fell asleep and ended up dozing off myself to wake up sore and tired the next morning. LOL!! I totally hear that one response that her kids respond differently to mom than to dad. I have a boyfriend of 4 years that when he stays overnight there is no problems. When he isn;t there they think it is a free for all. I stick to my guns and don't back down. I think that less is more in the middle of the night. Do not talk to them and walk them back to the bedroom. They know that you are physically there and this can not turn into chat time. Tell me about your dream in the morning....hope this helps.

Hi L.! I have had problems with this before and the Ferber technique works for me. You explain to your child that he must stay in his bed and you are going to walk him back to his room, but you will not be able to stay. Explain to him that if he gets up again, you will have to close the door for a minute. It will be dark and he might cry. Then, after a minute, you open the door. If you want the door open, you stay in bed. Sounds kind of harsh, but it really works. This sounds like a temporary thing because of the change in your environment. I am sure it will pass. Good luck.

Hi L.,
Have a chat with your 4 and a half year old.
MOM" I would like to talk about what is happening a night"
Give him room to say anything. Give time. See how he sees it.
MOM" Mommy works hard just like you all day and at night I want to get into bed and have a great nights sleep. If I get a good nights sleep I am happy mommy and if I get woken up I can get a little grumpy and I dont want to feel that way. Can you come up with some ideas that will let mommy get a good nights sleep?"
Accept all ideas and make a list together. When the list is done talk about how each will or will not work. Maybe he can have a nightlight and read or color if he cant sleep. Maybe put a picture of you in the room. This is his struggle ask him what he needs to make it better.

Have a great day,
B.

B. Davis
Child And Family Coaching
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www.ChildAndFamilyCoaching.com
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Because nothing is more important than family

You should try walking him back to his bed and reassuring him, making his room as inviting as possible, using a night light or music, and all those things (although I would not try tough love on a kid whose trying to deal with a transition that is clearly frightening him), but in the long run, if it doesn't work and you're losing sleep every night, you might try what we finally did. Put a sleeping bag and pillow next to your bed on the ground. When your child comes in, give him a hug and tell him to lie down there. Keep talking to him before bed about trying to stay in his bed. This actually worked for us because my daughter felt reassured that we were available if need be, but she saw that our bed was not available to her, and she regained her ability to stay in her bed. And we could sleep!

My 4 y.o. recently started having sleep issues, but he has been in his own room since birth. For a while he was satisfied with us laying with him for the first 5 or 10 minutes of bedtime. When he wanted more time, we started asking questions. He told us he was afraid of various things that might be in his room like dinosaurs and kangaroos. We talked about there being nothing in his room that would hurt him and that mommy and daddy are nearby if he should need us. We also talked about Jesus watching over him - that seemed to help. We'd been planing to decorate his room with pictures and shelves so we finally did that on Sunday. He especially is happy about his new nightlight (Lightening McQueen) and his picture of Jesus because he can now see him watching over him at night. He has been much more cooperative at bedtime these past few nights so we are hoping the new decor and nightlight did the trick. Good luck to you!

My daughter is 4 and she does the same thing, if I get up then I spend alot of time in her room sitting or laying with her until she falls asleep. If my husband gets up, he walks her into her her room helps her get back in bed, kisses her and tells her he loves her then he leaves. She is fine with that! So that is his job, she will stay in her bed if her father takes her back, but I am the softy and if she ask me then I will stay.

I will say in the beginning he would stay with her then he shortened the time and eventually started to tell her he was going back to bed and if she needed him he would be there all she had to do was call him. He was stern but never angry and he was consistent. There were some nights where he was back and forth but eventually it stopped. He said that he always made sure he came back to her if she called him so she didn't feel like he was lying to her just to escape. She still gets up sometimes but her father handles the late night visits and it works out fine.

Both my boys did the same thing,(at different times) the only difference is that we did not just move. We had tried a few things, took them back to thier bed, talked about it before bed, and finally just letting them sleep with us. I mean we all need sleep and that was just easy. Except we were both miserable, because we were getting kicked and not very comfortable. Finally, with my oldest I decided to try the good old bribe. Actually, I made a chart and got stickers, we hung it on the bedroom door, We decided that when he could a week in a row in his own bed he would get the prize at the end. Our prize was tickets to "Spiderman Live" which I already had and planned on doing, it just worked out well. It took him 1 week and he had never gotten out of his own bed again. When his younger brother started doing the same thing, I made another chart, it worked just as quickly. Both of my boys were 4 at the time, and could understand the whole concept. You know I always said "I will never bribe my kids with....) well, now I say "never say never, especially when you don;t have kids yet!) Good luck!!

Dear L.,
After reading your response, the only thing I noticed was that no one mentioned what to do if a child comes to your room after everyone's asleep & you/your spouse don't wake up. My husband drives tractor-trailer for a living, and I do at-home typing part-time. Bed time is between 8-9 PM, and then I go downstairs to my office to type. Often, our son will go to our room after my husband's asleep, but before I come upstairs. When this happens, hubby doesn't usually wake up, so when I get ready to go to bed, I have to take him back to his room, which usually results in him waking up (at least briefly). Thankfully, he usually goes back to sleep rather quickly. Also, when my husband leaves for work @ 4AM, he's allowed to snuggle with me until it's time for us to get up @ 6:30. (if he wakes up & wants to) This is our special "mommy" time. :) Hope that helps. God bless you as you transition, and enjoy your new home.

L.,

It's obvious that he is having some issues adjusting to the new surroundings and being on his own. You don't want to make it worse by arguing with him & forcing him to stay by himself. However, sleeping with him in his bed when he comes for you, does comfort him, but will not help him to eventually be on his own.

I would suggest a compromise. When he wakes up & comes into your room, take him back to his bed & tell him you will lay with him for 10 minutes and then you need to go back to your bed. That gives him the comfor that you are there to fall back to sleep, but at the same time, you are not there all night. Try to lesson it each time this happens, taking it down to 9 minutes, 8 minutes, etc. until he's to the point where he realizes he doesn't need you there & explain that to him as the time gets less. Be sure to count though so you know that you are staying with him less & less. If he still is asking for you after your down to 1 minute, then start with, I can't tonight, but I will the next time, etc.

Eventually he will be fine. Also, make sure that there isn't any other reason that he's waking up through the night. I found that my youngest (5 yr old) started doing this when he had never before. Then I realized it was because the ac was on & it had gotten fairly cold through the night. When he got cold, he would wake up & come in to see if he could lay with me in my bed. Once I realized why he was waking up, I made sure to turn teh air down & make sure he had an extra blanket if he needed to add it through teh night that he woke up cold. It took a few nights of walking him back to his bed & recovering him up & adding the extra blanket until he got it himself. My oldest (7) also went through this, but his was having to go to the bathroom. We started making sure that he went immediaely before climbing into bed & that stopped for him as well.

Hope this helps & good luck.

B. D. - Working wife & mom of 5-3/4 & 7-3/4 yr old boys.

L., I totally sympathize with you.When we moved our 2 y/o son did the same thing. The pediatrician suggested to put him in his own bed each and every time. Each time check him-first at 5 min,then 15, 30 and one hour.For example, the first night check him for 5 min for a total of one hour. Then the second night check him every 15 minutes for one hour. If need be, the first couple of nights after the 5 min checks you may have to increase them to the 15 min checks until he is asleep. When you are checking him in 5 min,verbally reassure him that you are close by and he is doing a great job. After that when you check him do NOT speak. It takes about a week and a whole lot of patience, but it does work. Good luck!