4 Year Old That Does Not Handle Change Well

You can say it has something to do with age but I am raising child #3 and my brother is 9 years younger than I am and the 1 I am raising now is the only one I have ever had a problem with on accepting changes well. ADHD, Asperger Syndrome, Austism, etc., are generally associated with the inability to accept change to the degree you are describing. I would talk to my physician about it.

J. - I know that this may seem like a go-to answer to some on this site, so take it for what it's worth. But please know that I'm not trying to project my situation on yours. I just want you to have the information.

I have a child that is a high-functioning autistic (you likely wouldn't realize it if you met him) and those kinds of issues are common for him. He has to be the first in the door, must have the same songs sung in the same order before bed. Things that counter his routine are difficult to process. He is quick to temper and slow to let it go. He used to have tantrums that would last an hour, sometimes striking out. When something doesn't go his way, he gets immoderately upset and resists our attempts to talk him down from it.

These reactions are common to a few related problems and frequently get ignored because these children look and (mostly) act like everyone else. I also have a child who is typically developing just 14 months behind and the difference in how they handle these events is apparent.

Having stated that, you are right that a certain amount of reticence to change is normal at this age. But you might consider having your child assessed for sensory processing issues, autism spectrum disorders, OCD, ADHD or something else in the same neighborhood. (What is the harm in just checking it out?) It could be that what is making her anxious is that she doesn't experience her surroundings the same way that most of us do.

Hour-long tantrums are not typical and having problems with having things moved, someone else's change of shoes as well as acting out added to that doesn't seem like anxiety. I would think that rather than anxiety being the diagnosis, it is likely that the anxiety is a symptom of something else.

It takes a team of people to diagnose these things properly, so please keep that in mind before taking one person's word: whether it be one doctor, one therapist or one (this) mom! I would seek an opinion from a team qualified to do it as it is really key to start any therapies early.

Finally, if nothing else I wrote is useful, I use the book 1-2-3 Magic with both of my children and it does seem to help both of us because it takes the emotion out of the discipline process (keeping me sane) and helps my kids learn how to regulate their own behaviors. I find, though, that discipline has to evolve with them.

Again, take all of that for what it's worth. Best of luck finding the right answers for your little one.!

My son just turned 8 in April and he has anxiety. He did not eat well and stressed out for a month before school started last year because he was going to have a new teacher. I took him to his doctor because I was concerned with him not eating. The Dr told me to juat watch and make sure he didn't loose weight and to talk to him about why he's anxious. Now before we do anything different, before school starts, etc. We sit him down and talk it over with him. Maybe try talking to your daughter before changing things will help. Good Luck, I know it's hard!

I would talk to the pediatrician, because a 4 year old shouldn't be bothered by those types of changes. but there is a possibility that much like my 2 older kids. the oldest began acting out banging his head on the floor and I had to put everything out of site and out of hands. My pediatrician told me that he was acting like that because he was felt neglected. So I should take once a week and put the baby to bed play with him or leave the baby at a baby sitter and take him to the movies or something. and try to get him involved with a special playtime with him and his baby sister. I know that is hard to do, but I didn't do it immediately after the doctor suggested it, and he kept getting worse. The doctor said it was a way to make him understand that yes he is older and there are things mommy and daddy could do with him that we couldn't with his sister, so that was his time, then playing with them together showed him he had to share us, a lot of time my husband played with the him while I bathed or fed the younger one. and I worked out the difference in nap time during the day. The more we did this the less anger we saw and little things that weren't going good with him and his sister, we began to notice resentment, slightly then it increased. Good Luck

J.,
You are right, most young children have a hard time with change, although that does sound extreme. New shoes, changing pictures?! Well, my son is only two and VERY active. The being upset and hitting sounded familiar. I have learned that sugars in food not only cause hyper activity but also create anxiety! I never knew. I have sence taken my sons sugars down and he is adjusting really well. You might want to check the sugar content in foods you give her. I was really surprised. I check the sugar in foods I thought were good for kids and have found out how much sugar really is in ALOT of foods.So here's an idea. Good luck.
C. M

Our 5 year old is the same way - she doesn't like change at all. We've found that if we try to "prepare her" for the change, she handles it better.

Like with the new shoes. You guys could have told her, "You know, Daddy needs a new pair of tennis shoes because the others don't work anymore. Would you like to help him pick them out?" and have DH take her with him to pick out new shoes. Yes, it might be a little extreme, and you won't have to do this everytime you get something new, but it'll help her realize that sometimes you have to replace things whether you want to or not and that it's really not that big of a deal.

Same thing with the hair dryer - "Mommy needs a new hair dryer because this one isn't working right. Would you like to go to the store with me to help me pick one out?"

We have found that this is MUCH easier than enduring the saga afterwards if we don't "include" her in the process.

BUT like you said - kicking/hitting is not acceptable. Time out's must be given immediately and done correctly (Supernanny Style). One mother posted recently that she'd send her child to her room, who would end up taking a nap. Yeah - that's a real punishment, isn't it?

Anyway - for what it's worth - and good luck!

Hi J.-- My 4-year-old daughter does not handle change well either. She notices anything that has been moved or is different. She has a lot of problems in social situations because she is very quiet and reserved and observes for a long time before she interacts (if she does finally interact). I just read the book The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine Aron and the way that she describes these children are SO my daughter (and I saw a lot of myself in there of my childhood). It is a very enlightening book in my opinion. We have also taken her to the pediatrician who is suggesting ADD so we're filling out the questionnaire and having her teacher fill one out, too. So, we'll see if that uncovers anything. As far as coping with change, we have learned to NEVER spring anything on her if we can help it and to talk to her about anything that is going to happen in advance. As far as the hitting and kicking, it is probably her way of expressing herself the best she knows how in a situation that is overwhelming to her. To us it seems silly, but to her, it's messing with her security so it's probably very scary. Try to empathize with her and let her know that you know she is scared, angry, etc. and it's not okay to hurt people, but maybe she can hit pillows or something. Good luck! I know it can be difficult sometimes!! :-)

One suggestion that I have found to work with the children in my classrooms was to always be very consistent with a daily schedule and giving plenty of warning when there will be change.Reminding the child that there will be a change might also help. As many changes that the child can help in making the decision will help prepare the child for the changes. Some children associate change and their own safety and well being in the same thought process.

It does sound like it could be autism, but there is parts that also sound like reactive--attachment disorder, even though it is to objects.
I would first see a pediatric developmental doctor, and then maybe a phsychiatrist for children.
If nothing else, they can rule out the issues they deal with.

Don't freak out over this suggestion, but there are all levels of autisum and I think you should have her tested for this. Some of the things you have listed here could be signs of it. Talk to your doctor about it or go online and research it.

A lot of kids do have trouble with change. A behavioral psychologist would be someone you can work with. Also something to think about and not to scare you. Kids on the autism spectrum usually have a hard time with change. I ma not saying autistic that is something different. YOu may want to talk to your pediatrician to check that out and that may help you get assistance from your local school district. There are a lot of bright kids walking around with asperger's syndrome that are very successful. My son's biggest issues were social situations, organization, changes, and language. Girls on the spectrum can be very different than boys. It's good to find out so you can get early intervention.

I am almost 50 and I don't like change either. You might try having her in on the changes.IE Help Mommy rearrange the living room, help Daddy pick out new tnnis shoes etc. When I was a child we were constantly with a family member, Once Mom had a stranger come to baby sit us. I cried all night long to the point I had a asthma atttack and they had to come home and take care of me. My anxiety over change got better as I got older but I still hate when company shows up unexpectedly or calls and says I'll be over in an hour to see you. I love my friends but when it comes to visiting I feel a bit trapped. It will get better.

J.,

Try a developmental pediatrician. You can find them at your closest children's hospital and they can give you all the answers you are seeking; you NEED to know. What you describe is not typical, and it could mean many different things.

That you already felt the need to take her to a therapist says a great deal, but this is wrong professional to diagnose a child with issues that are not really identified. Anxiety may very well be and issue that you will need to address, but you really need to get the whole picture and a plan from the very best professional for her. If you were talking about any other medical problem, for example, a respiratory system problem, you would never start with a respiratory therapist's assumption that her weesing was asthma without a qualified doctor making the diagnosis.

The earlier you know for certain if you need intervention and exactly what kind, the better. Never wait with developmental issues, because time is the best predictor of successful intervention, the earlier you start, the better her outcome. The very worst thing that could happen if you take her for an evaluation and find out that you have nothing to worry about, but given what you have said, I would only take that word from a Developmental Pediatrician who has done a multi factored evaluation.

M.

I think that coping with change depends on the person. For my 5 year old, the best way to prepare him for change is to talk to him about it ahead of time. For large changes, like going to school, daycare or church, I talk to him about it a week ahead of time. I tell him about the new place, drive by, visit with him, let him ask questions and express his fears. I allow him to work through his shyness in the situation and help him warm up, become comfortable and fit in. For shorter lasting changes such as visiting a friend's house or running errands, I tell him a day or two in advance. If we are going to be there for several hours, then I tell him two days in advance. If we are going to be there less than an hour, then I let him know at the beginning of the day or as soon as I know. He has to know where we are going, why and how long it will take. I talk about how I expect him to act, what we will do, who we will see and what we may experience. I try to make transitions more interesting and fun by spurring his interest in something in the visit.

My other son is going to be 4. He doesn't react well to changes when he knows about them far ahead of time. He will throw tempers if he doesn't want to go and nag me non-stop to go immediately if it is something he does want to do. Thus, I tell my 4 year old as we are going out the door or as we are putting on shoes and coats where we are going. If he starts to throw a fit, I try to distract his attention to something he may like about the visit. I have also encouraged him to get ready quickly, run to the car and buckle himself in by giving him a small chocolate or hard candy for cooperating. As a last resort, I have lied to him and told him we are going somewhere he wants to go and actually drop him off at daycare (when he wants to stay home with mom). Sometimes it is just easier than trying to get him dressed, stay dressed, drag him to the car and not fuss and cry the entire ride there. Once I drop him off at daycare, he stops crying about a minute or two after I leave.

What kind of conversation do you have when this happens? How do you and your husband handle change? You need to talk about situations that don't always turn out like you plan, but did such & such instead.

We were painting the other night and I didn't like what I had done. My six year old told me, after I said, "I think that was a mistake..." talking about what I had painted that I didn't like...."THERE ARE NO MISTAKES". We learn to adjust and make the BEST of a situation or circumstance or what we've been given.

Abbie used to have issues w/ change and we talk ALL THE TIME about how life isn't always.....RARELY......what you want it to be. THEREFORE, you must learn to cope with the situation or circumstance at hand.

What is appropriate/inappropriate? If she says she is angry, is it appropriate? If not, tell her disappointed is appropriate but not anger. If she is sad about something, talk about it if it's appropriate for her to be sad, but rememeber good things about something if it's something she no longer has, etc. TALK ABOUT EMOTIONS and how they are appropriate or inappropriate. IT WORKS!!! Sometimes, you have to repeat yourself, but at some point, they get it! This is the perfect age for that kind of conversation!