4 Year Old Refuses to Use Potty.

it sounds to me like she's about two years behind. But that's all relative at this point. My advice? Give hime time to settle down for a couple of weeks. Then make a renewed effort and don't let him call the shots. There is no need to be mean...but definitely it's time for some firm discipline. I once had a cousin who said about her child that she thought his college room mate was going to have to shame him into using the bathroom. Good luck in what ever method you decide to use. To me it doesn't really matter how....just do it.
A.

Dear D.,
You may not like me much after what I have to say, but I am only saying it because I have been through someone whose child at 4 was still not potty trained. And I promise I mean no offense. I have two children of my own. I've done daycare. I've been around every different personality type of children.
A child that will not use the toilet at 4 years old.....ummmm, gross.
The child's not gross, but no matter how much you love them, there is a difference between changing baby diapers and changing school-age-kid diapers. In fact, a kid can't go to school unless they know how to at least sit on the toilet.
You didn't say if your nephew has developmental disabilities, in which case that might be different, but it's been my experience that the only reason kids aren't potty trained by that age is a direct result of the parents. It doesn't mean the parents are bad, but, again...one of my very best friends in the whole world was still bringing her kid to my house for daycare in a diaper everyday. My daughter, who was born exactly 30 days after him, was in kindergarten. And his mom was still bringing him to my house in diapers. "He won't sit on the toilet. He's afraid of the toilet." I loved him and his mother so I just potty trained him myself.
If he went in his diaper, I refused to clean him up. I took him into the bathroom and gave him baby wipes and made him dump his poop into the toilet and wipe his own self off. No more laying down to get his diaper changed. He had to wipe his own butt and throw his own icky wipes and diapers away. Then...he had to stand at the sink and get his hands washed with soap and water. Now...before you go thinking that's mean, consider I had other kids his age around. Everytime they had to go to the bathroom, I made him stand in line to go too. He didn't have to "go", but he had to take his turn. If he refused and peed or crapped his diaper....he had to clean it.
You'd be surprised what a kid who has to stand in line and watch other kids their age go potty and wash their hands and be done and off to play will do.
I never punished him. I was never mad at him. But I encouraged him to take his turn and if he didn't....then he had to take his own diaper off and deal with it.
It didn't take long and before I knew it, the first thing he did when he got to my house was pull his pants down, take his diaper off and throw it in the garbage. He wanted to use the toilet like everyone else.
I never said a word until his mom asked me how come he didn't seem to be using the diapers she sent. I said, "He's potty trained. Don't bring him here in diapers anymore." She was shocked. Because he was still crapping in diapers at home. And she was laying him down and changing him like a baby. Well, that was the last day, anyway.
We are still friends. He is 22 and in the US Navy now. I obviously didn't scar him for life or anything. I did what I did out of pure love. There comes a time when someone has to say....Enough is enough.

D. - it's obvious you are a very caring and wonderful Aunt. Please bear with this long response - there is no other way to describe the toilet training process we used:

I had written in about 2 months ago regarding our 3 1/2 year old son who had no interest in using the toilet. My husband and I were at our wits end, as we tried all the tricks the experts write about, but nothing seemed to work. We began to feel and act negative about the whole thing and this only made things worse with our son. When we were pushy - he just pushed back even more.

I decided to write in to Mamasource, and received so many suggestions - that when reviewing all the fabulous ideas, I realized we never tried a "combination" of various ideas. So this is what we did - we turned the entire process into a game - with challenge and rewards. The rewards were Disney's "Cars" - which is something he's really into now. Our son was pretty much day trained in 3 days with this process - with an accident here and there (which is to be expected. Here's what we did:

1) Piled up a stack of "cool" new underwear in a pile on his bathroom counter so he could see them easily and choose which pair he wanted to wear each day. Of course this included "Cars" underwear too!
2) Took him out of the day pull-up COLD TURKEY (we told him we were out of them).
3) Re-introduced his first potty we tried (the low/portable on the floor training potty) and put it back in his bathroom. Note: We had been using the training rim that simply fits on top of the regular toilet seat - turns out this was part of his problem. He immediately liked the smaller potty/lower to the floor.
4) Put a small dish of M&M's on top of the fridge - and made it clear this was going to be part of the game. He would get 1 M&M for pee pee, 2 for poop each time.
4) I made several charts with six empty boxes on each, with a sticker/picture of the Disney Car he'd win at the top of each chart. This would be the car he would "win" every time he fills in all 6 boxes with "cars" stickers. He'd get a sticker to place within each empty box every time he used his potty.
5) This was the biggest thing of all. We gave him COMPLETE CONTROL over the game - we never made an issue if he had an accident. We'd just sweetly and casually tell him to go change his underwear in the bathroom. If he didn't want to play the game for a while - then we didn't push him. We NEVER asked him or bugged him if he had to go potty. We left it up to him to decide to go, or not. We simply told him about the game, reminded him of his potential prize - gave him access to his own underwear, and provided him with a new hamper placed right next to his potty - to put his soiled underwear/clothes in - in case he had an accident.

This small boy of ours seemed to change literally overnight with this challenge - this was exactly what he needed. To be in control of the situation - and have a challenge placed in front of him - plus the rewards were items he was very excited about.

In about two weeks - he didn't care about the M&M's nor cars anymore - he was simply potty trained. He was now in the habit of using his potty - and now he asks for "privacy" when he's going poop!

Our next step is to take him out of the night pull-up - which he tells us he's ready to do...we just need to have a few nights where we don't have to get up too early since there will/may be some bed wetting in the middle of the night.
Also - he said he's thinking about using "our" big potty soon, instead of his little potty.

Our life is so much easier now. Please let me know if you have any questions on this crazy process of ours. I know it sounds time consuming - but it wasn't. The simple trick was making a game out of it, telling him the rules of the game, give him the tools, and then just letting him drive the process. Three days - I still can't believe it.

I don't know if this would help but try a different potty, sometimes (it sounds weird) but they can be afraid of it. Maybe at some point you can take him to the store to pick one out of his very own. Not sure if that would work but he might feel special if it's his very own. I know my boys were potty trained way later than my girls. I wasn't real uptight about it, in due time it will happen. Also you might find a book on that subject, its not abnormal for some kids to be afraid. Good Luck

Assuming he has no developmental issues, there's no reason that a 4 year old shouldn't be completely and reliably potty trained by now. (Even my autistic cousin was potty trained by 4 though.) Most kids are actually ready at about 2 years, so "being ready" is not the issue here. I really think potty training has more to do with the parents being ready than the child being ready. =)

I think the approach I'd take would be to say to him in a firm voice, "Starting right now, you will not be using diapers any more. You are going to use the toilet whenever you have to go potty." And then make him do it! I don't care if his dad has to physically hold him on the potty (I had to do this once or twice with my youngest, who was thankfully only 2 at the time). He needs to use the toilet, period. Once he understands that his parents are serious about it and that it is not his choice anymore, he will be potty trained in a matter of hours. Also, I echo what a few other moms have said - pull-ups absolutely don't work for potty training. I used the "Naked and $60" method myself - strip them so they're naked from the waist down, and then use the $60 for carpet cleaning afterward.

I hope you find something that works!

Your sister must be really frustrated with him. I know how hard potty training is, I just finished training my 3 1/2 year old daughter. There is a wonderful book that she can download online. The website is pottytraining.com. It really helped me to ease my frustration and anger about getting her to potty train. She would sit on the potty briefly but had accidents all the time. He may be refusing the potty because it has become a power struggle with mom and others. A tip: once he sits on the potty have mom pour warm water on his belly so it falls between his legs and tell him his is peeing. This worked with my daughter. We did this 8 times and then then she peed in her potty! Good luck, let me know what happens.

Try the little urinal. I saw a commercial and someone I know said it worked great. That's what we are planning.
Good luck.

Has she tried just having him use the regular toilet? My son hated the 'potty' but loved the toilet. We used a snap-on seat at home and I helped him balance when we were away. . It made bathroom visits when away from home easier as well.

Some kids don't potty train until 4-4.5. The key is to have him be ready. Frustrating, but unless the child is cooperating, it won't happen.

My son wasn't potty trained until 4 1/2 yo. He probably has some fear about the potty - there are good books from the library. Go to the library (I hope you do already) and get a stack of books each week or two - and include 1-2 books about going to the potty (or even videos- I know Bear In The Big Blue House has one on this topic) and just sit down to snuggle and read these books. Just read them - no lecturing, no judging, nothing. He may have questions and share a concern or few, which would be a great opportunity to discuss and reassure him of his fears, whatever they are. (water wooshing down, a big potty seat, a little boy, easy to let your imagination go wild.... It could also be a control issue.)

Where I lived when my son was born, I had plenty of mom friends who had little kids and they all said boys trained later than girls, as a rule of thumb, not before they were 3. Then I moved a few months before my son turned 3 and was taken aback to see that several boys slightly younger than my son were already potty trained. I started to worry and push my son, until one day I was out with one of them at a BK PlayPlace and the "pottytrained" little boy had an accident in his pant. That's when I realized he was only potty trained to go pee, but he still pooped in his pants and not in the toilet. Well, at that point I was GLAD my son was still in diapers (and had one to share with this little boy who then had to play with just a shirt and diapers on. I dont know about you but I'd MUCH MUCH rather change dirty diapers than deal with dirty underpants!

Another thing - I'd been told that when they can wake up dry, it is a good sign of readiness. It has to be both physical and mental though - your nephew is clearly not emotionally ready just yet - I imagine he's just scared at this point.

With my son - pull ups did not work. They need real cloth underwear.

My friend used the "2 weeks and 60 dollars" method - pick a 2 week time period you're able to stay home as much as possible and simply have him run around pant-less (naked) and they do quickly become aware they need to eliminate in the toilet/potty chair. The $60 is for carpet cleaning afterwards ;-)

Take a complete break - at least a few weeks. Then, try again and good luck!!!!

read potty train in just one day by terri crane. it has a fun way of teaching stubborn kids to use the potty. I would also ditch the diapers and buy those big old plastic pants. He'll feel the wetness but it won't leak everywhere. Good luck.

Maybe this is a dad and son thing. Maybe dad needs to step in an help him. Sometimes it's the male perspective that can help a little confused male.

Does he wear pull-ups or diapers? How does he feel about being wet?

Stephanie

I started my son at about 2 years and 9 months and he didn't seem too interested, but definitely not as opposed as your nephew. However, we took his clothes off from the waist down and he ran around the house half naked for about a month! This way, he started to recognize when he needed to pee or poo and would go to the potty or at least announce it. I would try to put underwear on him off and on, but then he would start having accidents, so we went back to being half-naked. Eventually, he was able to tell with his clothes on. Then pooping in the potty came MONTHS later. He showed NO interest, so I began bribing him with one jelly bean each time he went. Worked like a charm. You sister should (if she hasn't already) try to reward him with something he really wants. Some kids just don't care about stickers or candy or whatever a parent may choose. See what he really wants, whether it is a toy or a trip to Chuck E. Cheese or wherever he wants and use that as a motivator. Also, she should not let it become a power struggle. Try to not put any pressure on him. it seems he views it as a power struggle, and is taking the power away from your sister. She should stop for a couple of weeks and then try it again, but without any pressure or stress. Eventually, he will come around! Good luck!

Elimination is one of the areas that is centered in the brain stem and the child must have complete control over it. Do not force him or discipline him for potty training. I suggest talking to him about it to see if Mom or Dad can get him to express why he is so reticent or fearful. Explain that it is a natural step in being a "big boy" and everyone does it, and why bodies have poo that comes out and why we want to dispose of it. Let him see both parents use the toilet. Then, back off. Get him a seat that fits over the toilet and have it ready. At this point he may be asserting his control (over an area that he is rightfully in control of) as much as anything else so leaving him alone may help. Mom and Dad should not make him feel wrong or ashamed as that is negative. He will do it when he is ready, and that will happen sooner and with less agitation if everyone relaxes. Good luck!

My boys were 4.5 when they finally got the hang of using the potty. . .and I have a few friends whose sons were the same way. If his Mom pressures him or 'does whatever it takes' she risks maing his aversion worse.

I would suggest she back off a bit, have his Dad take the little boy in with him every time he goes potty to show him that it's no big deal, and just let her son lead. . .he will do it when he feels ready.

Have you tried to use those smaller toilets for toddlers? Try to not give him any drinks before going to bed. So the next morning when he wakes up, he'll start the day by going straight to the restroom. Remember to ask him to go pottie as often as possible during the day. That's working for me and my 2 yeaar old. He's now learning to tell me himself. Hope this helps.

Hi D.

my son was the same way, so basically we just tried to give him the space he needed and NOT pressure him. He wouldn't accept rewards or encouragement, he simply did not want to go... I had read somewhere that when kids go potty, some feel fearful of something coming out of them. We did stop using diapers and changed to pullups, eventually he did begin to go potty (but would only urinate) yet, we were still happy he did that, then one day.. he decided to sit on the toilet and had a bowel movement, at first he was still kinda of afraid and was fearful to see what came out of him, but then he got used to it.. He was about 4 1/2 when he began to be ok with using the potty. now (he is 6) and announces it proudly whenever he had to go..
I think your 4 yr old nephew just needs more time and patience.. he will do it.. just try not to make a big deal out of it..
:)