4 Year Old Lacking Confidence

Praise her when she does good and if she gets something wrong tell her she will get it next time and that is ok. Show her she can di it herself by making her do it herself. The swimming is not uncommon my daughter was timid at the beginning of ever summer even though she could swim well.

Swim coach? teachers and work? Are we really talking about a 4 year old? Just reading what you've wrote leads me to believe this little girl might be missing her care free childhood years. At this age there should be no work or right or wrong answers in preschool. This is a time for open ended play based fun. Getting to know how to have friends ,playing with others and learning how to work things out.Painting,cutting,stories,manipulatives,large moter skills like skipping, hide and seek games. Thats all that should be in preschool. Swimming should be a time of exploring too. Water saftey yes. Sorry if I've read more into what you've asked but your words to discribe this situation don't fit the life of a 4 year old. I would be very concerned. Some childern are more sensitive then others and pick up on early pressures. I think you should really look at what her activities are and really evaluate if these programs are in her best interest as you are clearly seeing her change. I am a big believer in not pushing children to grow up to fast. I take great pride in the fact my children have had a rich,full and long childhood. I find great joy seeing them engaged deeply in some good pretend play, being creative and confident. If your child is used to lots of structure it might be hard to change but it might be a welcome thing to her. I would look at where you can lighten the structure even if it means switching preschools and no more swim lessons. Instead you get in the pool with her. Kindergarden is around the corner and the school system is going to dictate the next 13 years of her life. Don't let it go so fast. Hold tight to these last few months of simple childhood. It's precious, and once in a life time. Protect it.It's one of the greatest gifts you can give her. Maybe there are some books that might give you some prespective on what the early years should be about. I'd look on amazon. I love to read and find it helps me alot because this parenting thing is hard and we can always learn more. You love your daughter alot and it's clear you want whats best for her. Know my perspective on this comes from a heart felt place having been a preschool teacher.I love early childhood and disagree with what so much of our world tells parents to do for children. You are having that gut feeling you need to do something, listen to your self above all. Your her mom and you'll know what to do.Blessings, R.

Hi K.~

I too have a child that didn't have the best confidence. At age four, she's just still so little and will be really outgoing one day and timid the next. And after a long 3 week break, losing a little confidence is totally normal...3 weeks is a long time for a 4 year old.

I share this article about praise every so often and it's a good one. It really helped me to understand how to praise the efforts and not the outcome. If your daughter is feeling unsure because she doesn't want to give a wrong answer, then reassuring her about the important part being the trying and not the outcome is probably what she needs. I also used to make the mistake of oversimplifying something that she was working on. If she was giving up on something because she couldn't do it, I'd tell her, "Oh, this is easy. I'll explain it and you'll get it in a snap. You're a smart girl." Which really didn't help because if she didn't get it then she'd make it mean that she was a big dummy. Her mother told her it was easy and she'd get it, but since she didn't get it, maybe she really isn't that smart. So, I did her no favors early on. Once I learned to praise the effort and not the outcome her confidence turned right around.

It's a long article and like most studies I think some of it is hooey, but I like the overall message about praise. Take a look, I think it will help...

http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

Good luck!

My son had that problem when he was that age. He is growing out of it. Someone one close to my son belittled him to the point that he just thought he could do nothing right.

I am constantly asking him to help me and when he does something right, I offer him praise. Even if he says he can't. I let him know that can't is a word that we use.

Reminder her that "nothing beats a failure but a try". As long as she tries, she is not a failure and there is nothing that she can not do or learn.

Good luck!!

It could just be she is overwhelmed with the changes in moving to Singapore. If so, she will hopefully adjust pretty quickly. If it's a personality trait though, it may take longer, or she may struggle with this always (like I do.) Our son went through a bad spell like this when he started preschool (at age 3). He resisted working on learning to read in kindergarten, I think because he was afraid of making any mistakes. He was also very hesitant in any new situation, refusing to participate until he got comfortable with what was expected. I was pretty worried, but he outgrew it towards the end of this school year, at age 6.5. This summer has been a big surprise, with him wanting to take swim lessons and go to camp for the first time. He's really matured and gained confidence.

I've been working at my son's coop preschool for the last two years as a volunteer, and did the same with my older son. I find that not wanting to work without a teacher helping is perfectly normal for a child that age. When we would organize activities, there were a range of different styles/personalities - some jump right in, some want constant help, some don't even want to do it at all but prefer a different type of activity that speaks to them. A good school will provide a range of activities and allow for different kids being at different stages, so that it's not a "do this or else you are in trouble" situation, that puts a lot of pressure on a child to perform correctly and could lead to feeling insecure.

I wonder about having work at preschool? That sounds more like kindergarten level activity. Have you looked into a style of preschool like Montessori or Waldorf? Different personalities thrive under different conditions, and while some children thrive in public school, some children feel pressured or shamed by the methods used by most typical American schools.

Another thing to consider is that many, many children do best with staying in preschool an extra year. It may just be, like it was with my own son, that the first year she gets used to it, stays back from the front lines a little, then next year really comes out of her shell and tests her independence. A lot of kids just need a little more time and to go into it at their own level of maturity.

Does she really have a swim "coach" at age four, or is this swim lessons? I think it's normal to have to backtrack a little after coming home from holiday, three weeks in the life of a four year old is a LONG time and it seems normal to me to have to review some skills and build her back up, especially if it is her nature or phase right now, to be cautious and prefer close contact with someone helping.

I response to a previous reply. I don't think you are involving your daughter in to many things or pressuring her at all. I think you are actively preparing her for social relationships and academics in the future, which I wish more parents would do. I am a high school teacher and you can tell which parents invested in their kids academically. Your daughter is 4 and is at the right time for pre-school. I believe every kid should go to preschool. I am sure you pre-school isn't requiring the kids to do Algebra or take a history test. They are probably just teaching letters, colors, reading etc.. I would continue to just praise her for her accomplishments and explain to her that everyone makes mistakes. Also that nobody gets everything right all the time even M. and daddy. It could be a phase that she will grow out of it, but just keep doing what your doing.

my daughter went through the same phase when she was that age. All you need to do is encourage her with things you know she is good at and slowly add things she is not so confident with! She will learn quickly if you show her that you make mistakes too and it's okay because that's how we learn.

I praise when they say or do things right. Otherwise, they think that everything they say or do is wrong. At that point, they are smart enough to figure out that it's better to do nothing than to be wrong.

K.,
My son is about to turn five and he went through some similar things during the 4's. We moved twice to Missouri and and back to California, a lot of changes and he didn't like changes and he was also really in to doing things right or he wasn't going to do them. We had to show him that it is ok to mess up and explain it takes lots of pratice. We would do things draw, write a word, shot a basket, or whatever and show him we don't get it right all the time either but we keep trying until we do. Just two weeks ago at swim lessons he got water in his nose and then because he messed up he would not put his head in the water the rest of the lesson. We talked about it a lot him and daddy went swimming and daddy got water in his nose and kept going, just blew out the water and said it see Mason it happens sometimes. By next lesson he was ok. Anyway it sounds like my son she just needs to know that it is ok to mess up that is how we learn.
Good Luck,
C.

Your post isn't clear about how long you've been in Singapore. Is this a new environment for her? What happens in class when she answers a question wrong? Maybe there are consequences in the classroom that you're not aware of and that intimidate her. Let's face it, other cultures are much more structured and demanding on children that we are in the U.S. and most countries have little tolerance for the way we coddle our children so maybe she's feeling a bit of that in her classroom. I would check out the classroom situation.

Dear K.,
I personally think that when kids are babies and toddlers, they honestly believe that they are the center of the universe. As they get older, they may begin to feel that they are a very small part of a very big world. They begin to notice differences in people around them. Some are funny, some are shy. Some are excellent swimmers, some are terrified of the water.
My son went through the same thing in school...being too afraid to answer at all because he felt it was better than making a mistake. I feel that you can learn from your mistakes and his father, my overbearing, controlling ex-husband who demands that the kid be perfect at all times, cannot tolerte a mistake. He feels it reflects poorly on him.
I believe confidence comes when a child knows it's okay to just be themselves. That can place them in a quandry because they aren't sure exactly what that means. But knowing that they do not have to be the best, that they do not have to be perfect really helps. Some people are great swimmers and love it, some people....it's just not their thing. Some people are a whiz at math, some people are better at language or using their hands to create things.
I got my son over his fear of math and fractions by letting him help me cook and do all the measuring. He loved it. And at first, he didn't even realize he was learning. Before we knew it, he wasn't afraid of fractions anymore and could see why they were "torturing" him at school about it.
You just have to be creative about ways to build confidence. And frankly, in pre-school, no answer is the wrong answer as long as the child is involved and responding. All ideas are good ideas. Work with her at home on things where there is no right or wrong answer. It's the cognitive process that you want to foster.
Talk, talk, talk. If she is afraid of something, try to get to the bottom of it. Be sure to validate her feelings first, but let her know that she is wonderful just the way she is and being the happiest little person she can be is the only thing that is her job for now.
Let her know that her feelings matter more than anything and see if you can get her to express them.
Oh....now you mention the Singapore thing.
I personally would love to be a world traveller, but for a 4 year old, it could be a little tough getting used to.
I guess my statement about being a little person in a big world is even more ironic.
You are just going to have to really reassure her that no matter how many things change or where you live, you will still love her and she will still be okay.
Best of luck and wishes.