My little boy can be so sweet at times. At other times, he can be a bear! This is true of all children, I know. But, I think his emotions swing more often and more violently than most children. He has always been like this. At what point should I consider taking him into the dr to be looked at?
At this point, he screams at me, hits, throws things, slams doors, punches his little sister, and makes these awful, awful faces when he gets upset. I have never seen a child make these types of faces. This behavior is getting less frequent; however it is getting more intense. Sometimes it will last for 4-6hrs, only stopping because he has exhausted himself and crashes asleep. He will sleep for hours afterwards. When waking up, he is a perfect angel... cuddly and affectionate.
I don't want to be "that" parent who writes off normal behavior as a medical issue, as some parents do. I know in some cases, all that is needed is for the parents to adjust their parenting style... as the children are only reacting to the parents. Maybe it is me... my parenting style? I have also read a little about adjusting diets for anger issues. Any ideas to alleviate his stress and anger are welcomed!
I am home with the kids all week long and this is causing a lot of stress for me. When these episodes happen, it takes away from the rest of the children and leaves no energy for me when my husband gets home from work at night.
Thoughts?
Thank you everyone for all of your helpful information! This site is such an asset to so many parents. I am certain that things will turn out ok with my family. It is just going to take a lot of effort and a lot of love! :) Thanks again to all!
My 4 and 1/2 yr old son is the same way. I recently bought and read (about 1/2 so far) a book called "The Explosive Child) Although I think it is geared towards older children, I do find some of it helpful. Best wishes, E.
Have him evaluated for Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD). My 10 year old was Dx'd with Aspergers syndrome and ODD, and behavioral therapy (Special Day Class) through the school district over the last two years has helped tremendously.
If if were me, I'd find a developmental pediatrician and make an appointment. They are usually booked several months in advance so it's best to get on the schedule now. In the meantime, keep a journal of his diet and what event precedes the outbursts. Write down everything that happens before and during his episodes and note what measures you take to discipline or alleviate the problem and write down the result. You might be able to recognize a pattern on your own (too little sleep, too much sugar, lack of exercise, whatever). If you notice anything that seems like a pattern, try to adjust it to see if it helps. If you solve the problem on your own by discovering the causes then you can cancel the appointment. If you haven't been able to identify anything, you'll be ready to have the professional help by the time the appointment comes.
Good luck,
K.
If he has always had a strong personality, what is it that he reacts best to?
Does he need choices? This will give him some control and ownership..
"If you do not want to wear this shirt, do you want the red or the blue instead?" "No you may not have a cookie. Would you like an apple or an orange.
"You may not hit your friends, you can hit your pillow in your room."
"When you are angry you may not throw your toys, you may go and sit for a moment."
Also give him a heads up about what is about to happen and what will be expected of him for the event. "We will be going to the store in 30 minutes. Finish playing and I will let you know when it is time to put on your shoes so we can leave." "Would you like to take goldfish or dry cereal for a snack at the store, we will not be buying anything there for snacks."
Then when he on his own has a good day or is doing a good job, let him know you have noticed and like what he is doing.
"Wow, I like how you shared with your friend." "Thank you for using your inside voice at the store. "
Also be on the look out for his feelings coming on. "You look like you are frustrated. Sis that hurt your feelings? You sure looked angry when they took the last cookie."
Also make sure he is getting lots, and lots of active play. The average child should be outside at least 1 and a half hours a day. In preschool they are out in the morning for about an hour and again in the afternoon for about an hour.
Some children really need to burn off energy in a positive way so it is not all pent up.Make sure he rides his trike or bike. Get him a scooter, skates.. Have him bounce and throw balls. Races, climbing, pulling up. Maybe get him a punching bag and some gloves to punch with.
Our daughter loved a toy called the "twizzler". It is a handle bar that hangs from a tree and kids hang onto it and spin themselves over and over. Get him a zip line.
I am sending you strength and energy.
Worth seeing a developmental ped. I have also learned that some rages are actually seizures. Not sure how common it is, just something I've recently read about. An IgG blood test for food sensitivities and removing offending foods can be very helpful. Alletess Lab has one. Good biomedical information is available in a book by Dr. Kenneth Bock, Healing the New Childhood Epidemics: Autism, Asthma, ADHD and Allergies
try this; get loud, use the same tone he is using and sympathize with him. if he wants a cookie and you say no and he starts a tantrum, try yelling "I WANT A COOKIE TOO BUT ITS TOO CLOSE TO SUPPER SO I CANT HAVE ONE AND THAT MAKES ME ANGRY!!!! MAN, I AM JUST SO UPSET I CANT HAVE A COOKIE!! I WANT ONE NOW!!!"
see if that has any reaction at all.
OR you can try a similar but different approach:
he says he wants a cookie and you dont want him to use this
"do you want a cookie? you want a cOOkie? really? a cookie? you just want a cookie NOW? you can have a cookie! right after supper".
see if that works?
another thought; does he still nap? its highly likely that a kid would throw a fit when there is another need like eating or sleeping that hasnt been fulfilled. sometimes kids dont really know how to express what it is they want, so asking for a cookie is really a request for food because they are so hungry! maybe when he asks for a cookie, ask him if hes hungry. if hes just throwing a tantrum, maybe hes tired, and you will start making notes when this behavior starts, and to perhaps block it you can put him down for a nap before it escalates.
i wouldnt blame you, kids have needs, and sometimes it is a guessing game figuring out what that is. OR, sometimes they get us figured out, he throws the fit and eventually you give in ? who knows. but whatever you do, try to stay as calm and rational as you can, put him in his room if you need to. something else i just thought of; my son would HAVE to have time alone in his room when i was doing child care. even if i only had 2 kids here, he would NEED that time to himself in his room or he would start to lose it. give him "permission" to have alone time in his room, like i said, before he normally starts to lose it if there is a time that it seems to happen more. this might lead to a nap if hes in there, quiet and relaxed. :)
i dont recommend tvs in kids rooms, but you could put a small one in there for him to watch a movie during these times. if you are doing child care, its important to remember that this is his home, and if he feels like he has to be involved in the other kids all the time, hes not going to feel like his home is his home anymore. its complicated. im sure you can relate to an extent; for so many hours of the day its a "place of business" but you have to allow your son to have alone time or time to do what he wants instead of what the other kids are all doing. :) make his room off limits to other kids too; he shouldnt have to share all his toys all the time. he should be able to have his room be a "safe" space where he doesnt have to share or play with the other kids.
i hope i gave you enough ideas :P sorry its so long
good luck
The good news is that if you are "that Mom" then a qualified professional is going to tell you so. Developmental Pediatricians and Board Certified Child psychatrists don't have time to mess around with kids who are not really in need of medical intervention for atypical neruodevelopmental issues, they will send you on your way.
That is not what this sounds like to me. Find one of these two types of doctors and make an appointment, the time to do so is when the behavior interferes with his quality of life, and he has hit that milestone for your whole family.
Get some help for you too, this is a very difflicult road to walk, it is exhausting for the primary care giver.
M.
Could you elaborate on what sets him off?
I am currently reading a book called "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It has provided me with some helpful ideas for my own "spirited" child. She explains that some children are just "more" emotionally, physically, etc. She acknowledges that our children could be just "spirited" or "spirited" and have a medical problem. You will have to figure that out. But, perhaps the book might give some ideas on how to help your child with his big emotions and/or how to help you and your whole family cope as you work with your child. I wish you well.
It can't hurt to take him to a good child psychologist and discuss what you've witnessed. We did that because our 4 year old has swings like you've described, although we haven't had any lasting for 4-6 hours. A good child psychologist will NOT rush to evaluate and get a psych referral for meds. That may ultimately be the solution, but a quality child therapist will see you and the child for a number of visits, offer some tips and tricks -and that may do it! You owe it to yourself, peace of mind and your child to check into it though.
I have a nearly 3 year old (girl) who is also very intense. I totally relate to your feeling drained! To this end, I have been exploring 2 avenues.
One is the possibility of her being highly sensitive. I often have the intuition that she is acting these ways in reaction to something, as opposed to her being mean or malicious. There are many resources available - on line and books - on the "highly sensitive child." A second part to this is we are beginning to work with a pediatric Occupational Therapist who works with children with sensory issues.
The other avenue I am on is learning to adjust my parenting style/approach with her. My husband and I have been fooled into thinking that because our 9 year old is so terrific that the way we parent her is the way we "should" parent my little one. This is so not working out. I have been challenging myself to examine how and why I parent the way I do and what changes I can make to accommodate this wonderful, strong-willed, intense, bright, empathetic and sometimes inflexible toddler. This has touched me so deeply, as it has required me to carefully reflect on many aspects of who I am.
The journey is not easy for me and I still resort to tears on some occasions. In fact, I am now creating a group in support of parenting deeply for parents of children who "are more" and/or "need more" in Facebook. (I will respond again with the name of the group when it is up and running.) Feel free to visit or join if you wish. Somehow, from amidst the chaos of these last few years, I have come up with many ways - some very successful - that work to create easier behaviors in my child, and, in time, these will be in a blog referenced from this FB group. From my heart to yours, good luck to you!
R.
PS I do agree that diet can play a part. We have worked with that too, because I feel it is prudent and makes some difference, but for us, it is/was not the catalyst for the real changes that need(ed) to happen.
It could be his diet, but I strongly think your first stop should be the MD and raise the diet question. While it might be your style, if none of the other kids do this, it's probably something different that's triggering this in him. Good luck!!!
It looks like you have some good advice. I just want to echo the red dye (Red #40) can cause reactions in some kids. We noticed our son has severe reactions to it - even a very small amount (like 3 jelly beans) can cause the type of behavior you described. We have removed it completely from his diet for several years. When he does accidently get it - he acts like he is on speed - violent and out of control. Also, look into other food allergies which often cause this type of behavior in children. He could be gluten intollerant for example. I would also recommend removing high fructose corn syrup and any extra sugar from his diet. HFCS can cause a lot of problems with some kids as well. He may be getting over stimulated from some activities, so watch for triggers and see if certain activities (like watching TV, video games, crowds) cause this behavior. Definitely see a doctor and check about food allergies or neurological issues. Someone else recommended Raising Your Spirited Child - excellent book! It helped us a lot as well. Good luck!
.
You've gotten a lot of advice already, but I'd like to add one suggestion. I'm not sure if your son is involved in anything like this already, but is there a Martial Arts or Karate school for kids in your area? Karate is wonderful for kids to get out their aggressions in a controlled environment, to learn sef-control, and to succeed and get positive feedback. It is good for kids no matter their physical ability level. I started my daughter at 5 and I've spent 8 years training in karate myself.
I think diet is huge. Without knowing what he eats it is hard to say, but try switching to an all natural diet (if you don't already) to see if that may help. Whole foods, no artificial colors, flavors, corn syrups, extra sugars, msg, preservatives. Good luck, I'm sure this is hard for all of you.
I would talk to your pediatrician about it. Maybe you will find it IS normal, maybe you will get hints on how to parent him, maybe you will find he is in need of some evaluation, but, I think, just asking the question will help alleviate some stress for both of you. You don't need to be "that parent" as you say and push for a medical diagnosis (unless you get to a point where you really feel that is the problem,) but just ask the question and see what he/she says. (And, by the way, I, too have a "spirited" child, so I feel your pain!) Good luck!
This may have already been mentioned, but I have read several times about red dye in foods and drinks causing such behavior. Maybe start by keeping a food/drink diary of what your child has, and then see if you notice any correlation. Good luck!
I agree with the recommendation to have him evaluated by a developmental pediatrician. I make this recommendation because my grandson was just referred to one because of his behavior, that sounds similar to what you're describing, at school.
My grandson is in a special education class because he has apraxia of speech. He has also had behavior issues related to anger for several years. The school district has worked with those issues by sending him to a therapeutic preschool and then by working with him in his special ed class.
I don't know if the school district program is involved because of his speech issues and that the behavior is considered to be part of that or if they would work with him if behavior were the only issue. It might be worth it to call the school district and ask if they could provide an evaluation and therapy if it was recommended.
I will add that my grandson now has health insurance and the developmental pediatrician is being provided thru the insurance. I don't know if one is available thru the school district. The evaluation is done by people with bachelor and master degrees.
I do urge you to get an evaluation. The earlier that you can intervene the better it is. Some parents wait it out and end up with an out of control teen. It's usually too late to make much of a change by then.
