3.5 Year Old Cries Throughout the School Day

It took my dd a month to stop crying when I dropped her off at day care so it may take him a few more weeks. Don't give in to him.

If he points and takes you to what he needs then he doesn't need to talk. You all do the talking for him. Make him tell you what he wants and don't give in to him until he does. My friends son did the same thing and was over 3 before he started talking. The doctor told them what I just suggested to you. Good luck.

You say that he can sing, recite lines of favorite books, and pronounce complex words. This suggests to me that he has the mechanics for age appropriate speech and language. Without actually evaluating him (I'm a speech therapist), it does not sound to me like he has a speech or language disorder. He is used to getting what he wants by pointing that he doesn't need to speak. Next time he points to something to ask for it, tell him to use his words, and model it for him. You know he can repeat things you say, so don't give in until he says the words. Good luck.

The second paragraph of your post is absolutely vital and I hope others responding pay attention to it.

At nearly 4, he already should have had a serious medical and psychological evaluation and should have been getting speech therapy or other therapy to find out why he does not speak at all except for poems and songs.

Have you had anyone evaluate his choice not to speak? At his age he should be talking up a storm. His pediatrician should LONG ago have referred you for professional help for what appears to be "selective mutism" -- search it online. He clearly CAN speak but chooses not to do so (if he can share songs and poems, the physical aspect of speech is present). A child in my daughter's class had selective mutism some years back and required a lot of intervention in order to get him functioning at school.

Do not rely only on preschool to "teach" him speak by exposure to other kids. You need to see professionals. It's not clear from the post whether maybe he already is getting help for the lack of speech and sending him to preschool is something you are doing on the advice of your doctors -- if so, that's great! If not, if you are sending him to preschool and he's not under any other therapy or evaluation, please, please get him seen. He is about a year and a bit away from kindergarten. He needs intervention now if he's not getting it. The preschool teachers are not therapists who are trained to focus just on your son and figure out why he refuses to speak.

Otherwise the second paragraph also tells a lot more and I think you already are aware that his being so unstructured and allowed to be "particular" has caused problems you are now reaping. He has been allowed to have what he likes, when he likes and even is allowed to tell you what dress to wear--? Did I read that right? Of course preschool is a shock to him; he's not the only child there and he has to do what he is told by adults who are not you or dad. He does need this experience because he cannot go until kindergarten just doing what he likes, having no structure in his day, and having to listen to no one but mom and dad -- that would be a recipe for a disastrous kindergarten year.

I'm hoping you'll update us that he's already getting help for the lack of speech and that preschool is something that a professional is backing here, and that the preschool teachers were well informed in advance about his issues (and the fact he has had no structure).

As for the crying and trying to escape: Pretty typical. Hard to believe he does it every single second, though--most kids get distracted by things going on at school and eventually stop this behavior after a few minutes. But even if he's upset the whole (short) time, he has only been going for one week. Do not let his crying etc. make you take him out now, or the message to him is that this behavior gets him what he wants -- and that's not a message he needs to get. Keep him there; give him structure at home so that he understands that this is the way things are there as well as at school; and stop letting him have what he wants, when he wants. Set limits, be willing to say "No" more if needed, and give him warning in advance of changes so nothing is ever a surprise to him -- but don't let his resistance make you cave in and let him go without any structure. Time to let home life match preschool (and very soon, kindergarten) life with more direction and structure.

I have over 13 years in child care. The BEST thing you can do is hug him bye then either hand him off to the teacher or just leave him in the classroom. If you turn to look back he's got you, if you come back to give him another hug he's got you. He will know your limits and each and every day he will push you to that same limit.

He'll stop crying before too long. This is GOOD for him. He is learning your boundaries. He's learning that the world does not revolve around him. This is not bad for him. It's part of the learning and growing process.

I would be more worried about the fact that he is not actually talking at 3 and is only using gestures. This needs to be discussed with his pediatrician. Kids don't learn how to talk from going to school with other kids; he should have been talking on his own already and picking it up from you guys. He should have been encouraged to talk instead of you guys always responding to his gestures. He needs to be evaluated and possibly start receiving speech therapy, otherwise he is going to fall further behind and have a very tough time of it. I hope you will take this seriously and get him the help that he needs. It's no wonder he is crying at school - nobody is catering to him and he has no idea how to communicate.

Dear P.,

Please contact your pediatrician and ask for a referral to a neurdevelopmental specialist. It is not typical for a 3.5-year-year-old not to speak. The fact that he is having a hard time adjusting to school and is not interacting with other children could also be a sign of a neurodevelopmental issue.

Now, no matter what the specialist says, your son will always be your cherished, beloved boy. He will always have a huge advantage in that his parents love and adore him so much. But there is also a good likelihood that he has some special needs. The sooner you get a diagnosis, the more he will thrive.

Oh my. Real life has hit this child because of your pampering, and he's very unhappy.

You need to leave him in school. But more than that, P., you have to get him some help with communication.

Ask the pediatrician for a speech and language evaluation. He needs speech therapy. You have to stop pampering him. The speech therapist can help you work with him.

You and your husband will have to decide which one of you will take him to speech therapy. Perhaps your husband can since he works from the home. Whoever takes him needs to watch the speech lessons and do the home program. Without the home program, speech therapy will not work.

You HAVE to get started on this, P.. Early intervention is critical. He will be very behind in school if you don't deal with this now.

He is going to be resistant to change, but you have to demand the change. It is hard to let him cry, but you need to do it. Drop him off at daycare and LEAVE. Get to work with a speech therapist. Talk to the doctor about the pampering and find out how to successfully work with your child to get him to be more self-sufficient.

You can do this. I promise you that if you don't, things will be very hard for your son.

Good luck.

It's only been one week.
It takes some kids longer (sometime 8 weeks) to adjust.
2 1/2 hrs per day isn't long enough - see if you can up his time to 4 or 5 hrs per day.
He has a lot to get use to - structure, other people, other kids - and - people who DON'T bend over backwards to do things his way.
Take him to school, quickly hug him good bye then leave.
Be up beat and happy.
Most kids will cry but be over it in about 10-15 min and then have a great day.
And then he'll go through a phase when he has a fit when it's time to leave school because he wants to stay and play longer.
Sometimes it feels like we get it both coming and going.

The preschool our son went to had a window that parents could look through but the kids could not see them.
The parents would be AMAZED how quickly the performance shut down as soon as the target audience was gone.
Your son WILL get to this point, but you have to give him that couple of months to get there.
He'll learn so much and he'll be happier in the long run.
It's just really hard on us to get though that adjustment period.

You'll also be helping him a lot if you work in more structure at home.
You are the parent - he does NOT get to rule the roost (or tell you what to wear).
You need to establish your authority in your home or you will have a devil of a time with him as he gets older.
Life does not give us everything we want.
We have to learn to adjust to that disappointment and then work for what we want.
And we start learning about this at 3 1/2.
So prepare him for the world and for life.
Say 'No' once in awhile and ignore the resulting tantrum.
Doing what's best for him is not always about what makes him happy for the moment.

Ditto Gamma G. My daughter did this from 3 to 3.5 y/o, four days a week, an entire semester, about 4 months. I walked into my first class crying most days for a month. My instructor, a psychologist, asked what was wrong and when I told him he said just what she did. The teachers told me she calmed down once I was out of sight, she loved school from what she told me every day. We took our break between semesters, she went back, and never cried again.

Hang in there, I know it's hard, but he will get better. Promise!

I agree with the other posters that it is alarming that he does not talk yet. Please get him evaluated by professionals...he should be seeing someone on a regular basis who is trained with speech delays. This is the biggest issue here...and is very important that you get him help asap! As for crying for a week in preschool - this is normal for some kids. In my daughter's preschool one little boy cried every day his mom left for about a month but then happily played about 10 minutes later. ANother little boy cried off and on for his mama almost the whole 3 hours. He refused to participate in almost everything. It took him 2 months and then he started being happy and participating. My only guess was it was due to his personality and the fact that his parents are from another country so maybe the teachers seemed strange to him. His parents held firm and now he is very happy in preschool and is interacting with other kids. It was hard to see though.

I agree with Leigh. Have you talked to you pediatrician about his lack of speech? Has his hearing been tested? Reach out to your school district for testing option.

Sounds like there is no reason for him to speak. You've parented him this far without having him his use words. Now is the time to make him use his words. When he points, say, " you need to use your words. If you want water, then say, 'mommy may I have some water please?'

He's 3.5 and doesn't talk? That's something to be concerned with. What does the pediatrician say?

"He has never followed any structure and has been much pampered at home." This is a big problem right here. Children NEED structure and rules.

I would continue to take him to preschool. And I suggest that you talk to the pediatrician about how to institute structure and rules into your home so your child can learn and grow instead of running the house. He's not going to grow to be a very socially intelligent child if you're constantly coddling and babying him. He's going to grow into a bossy, selfish child. Which is what he is right now.

You guys gotta toughen up if you want this kid to go to school any time soon - and I'm talking regular school, not pre-k.

He has continued to cry because that is what kept you from leaving him when he first started. You taught him that if he cries, you will take him home. It only took a day or two for him to "learn" that; it is going to take probably a month or so before he "unlearns" it. Habits are created very quickly; they take much, much longer to break.

You don't make any sense when you say he shares poems and sings in many languages. He does not - he doesn't speak. He may hear it, but he doesn't "share it" or "sing." He "directs" you to the refrigerator - your son has you and hubby trained like trained seals!

It's time you and hubby started training your son. You need to quit letting him "direct" you without speaking. You need to insist that he speak. He doesn't get ANY juice unless he asks for it; same with anything and everything else. He will not be happy; he will cry; he will tantrum; he will make you feel awful. But don't give in. If you are tempted, think about him being 6 and still not speaking; not having any friends; not being liked by anyone in charge. That's what you are leading him to.

He may be resistant, but you need to be insistant!

It sounds like he doesn't want to be in school because he doesn't speak. I think he needs to be seen by an expert in order to determine why he isn't talking. Once that is solved, I think he will be more amenable to attending school.

Hello.

You have many responses so apologies if this is a duplicate.

My now 3.5 yr old daughter was placed in FT daycare right after she turned 3. She's always been my observational child who watches people before she interacts with them. She talks appropriately at home yet takes time for her to warm up to strangers.
When we started her in the current school it was the first time she was in a structured place vs. more of a home based place. At this point she's been there for 6 months and has barely spoken to her teachers. She'll talk to a kid at a time and she'll gesture all the time. I talked with my pediatrician and she said my daughter has Selective Mutism. SM is when a child mutes themselves in certain situations. For most kids it's in school since that is in many kids the first time they are really put on the spot to answer things, etc. My daughter has opened up since she first started and the teachers are not pushing her.
For your case, possibly he has SM. Please also consider making him speak. I do that in my house too. For my daughter she has an older sibling that talks for her (without realizing it) causing me to require my youngest to talk.
Good luck. You're on the right path of recognizing something must change.

Three and a half and not talking at all? Have you had him evaluated? It could be that he doesn't like the structure and also feels like he can't communicate his wants and needs effectively. My husband was a late talker so it isn't unheard of but that raises a red flag for me.

As far is the crying. I would just leave him in there so he learns it isn't an option to leave. Some children take a long time to acclimate to a new situation especially if they aren't used to being left in the care of others. If you feel that he is safe, well cared for, and his needs are being met then it is time for him to grow a little bit and learn how to deal in new situations.

the child keeps trying to leave because he is NOT ready to be in school yet, the constant crying is a big clue here, the child is just not ready, and the teacher ignoring the childs crying is not, in my mind, the hallmark of a compassionate soul, take the child out of school, give it another year, 18 months and then, put him in school.forcing the child to go to school now is not going to encourage him to talk, if anything, it will discourage him from wanting to talk..plenty of kids dont talk until they are older, einstein didnt say a word until he was 6.
K. h.

Hi P.. I didn't read all the responses but wanted to tell you that our daughter acted the same way about not talking. Around 2 yrs old she would just point if she wanted something and her helpful, older brother always got it for her. We, too, would cater to her needs. It started to become more and more of a habit so whenever she pointed, we'd tell her - if you want it, you have to use your words. Thankfully she didn't put up too much of a fuss when we wouldn't comply with her gestures and she finally started talking more. But you have to be firm and keep expressing that he must use his words. Even now at 4, she sometimes will grunt and point and we again have to remind her to use her words. As far as leaving him at school even though he's crying - that's the advice I hear the teachers give to a mom whose son does the same thing (3 and 4 year old class). Sometimes she'll give in and take him home though and so the cycle begins again the next day. Although I have no experience what that situation, I think I would leave him despite his crying. I know it's hard but he just misses beginning w/his parents and is probably trying to get used to his new routine without you. If he's happy when you pick him up, that's a great sign. Good luck!

If he's not speaking at three and a half this needs to be brought to a doctor's attention. Also, it sounds like you and your husband may need some parenting classes. Parents are there to guide and teach children, but it sounds like your son is telling YOU what to do. This will not be good for him when he goes to school or anywhere else for that matter.

Hi, P.:

Is your son deaf? He really needs an assessment done. Check with your pediatrician and then check with the school to have him tested.

Good luck.
D.

The crying at school would not bother me, lots of kids are like this, and my daughter cried all the time until she was 4. It is the not talking at age 3 1/2 that brings up lots of red flags for me. You should talk to your pediatrician and have him evaluated. Your state early intervention program can also help with some speech intervention and any other interventions he might need.

My son is not deaf as he loves listening to songs and responds to what he says. He started babbling at right age and when he was just one, he was humming some difficult tunes of songs. He loves listening to stories and when I tell him a familiar story, he knows the next line and sometimes says it before I do. He has been doing this when he was not yet 2. Also he is able to pronounce most complex words which most children of his age may not be able to. He had fascination for sounds from the time he was born and specially lowed slow melodious music. When he was 2 month old I noticed how he would cry once I switch off the music and also noticed that it was easier to bathe and feed him while playing some particular songs.

I suspected that he might be autistic but he displayed emotions, made eye contacts and loved being hugged, cuddled and also responded to what we said which is not typical of autistic children. Now too, he understands our instructions and we are talking about some unpleasant topic, he shows his unhappiness.

The problem is that he never talks like most kids do: he will sing and look in to our eyes for appreciation, his expressions go well with what he is singing or reciting. However, he just does not say that he wants water or he is feeling unwell or what ever. He may instead point at water...

We have not consulted anyone for a couple of reasons. I have myself studied child development and psychology so I was trying to fit how his symptoms fit into a category. secondly, we have come across articles that say that children with families using 2 or more languages have delayed language development (we use three languages at home). thirdly, we are living in a part of world where medical experts are not very reliable specially in areas linked to psychological development: physiologically he has not displayed any problem.
However, now I am bit worried because this delay has been little too long.