3 Year Old Regressing After Birth of Infant

I have heard of this happening, it's normal regression when there is a new baby. She wants to be the baby again. Maybe if you give her words for how she's feeling, "You are having a hard time sharing mommy with Beckett," "You are used to having all mommy's attention and it's hard to share," stuff like that. She'll get over it. I know you must be very, very tired, just hang in there! C.

Hang in there. Lots of praise when she does not have an accident might go really far. If you live close enough I would be happy to baby-sit Beckett while you take Catlin on a special outting just the two of you. Mine are 16 months apart but now 6.5 and 8. Mine son regressed really bad at one point and I was beside myself. Positive praise and jumping up and down when he went on the potty instead of the carpet did the trick. Call me if you want to meet. ###-###-#### W.

My son was a little bit younger than your daughter, but also totally regressed with potty training after the birth of his sister. We actually talked to the doctor about this, and she said to completely drop it for 6 months. For us, we weren't completely trained (we were so close though), so I just let him choose each day pull up or underwear. I still had pull ups for night time. He almost always chose a pull up, which was easier for me at that point with a newborn anyway. I still made the potty available, but stopped asking completely. Within a couple of months he was ready to go back to underwear full-time, and has had only a few accidents in the last couple of years. It was hard for me to bite my tongue, but I think by not asking if he needed to go and putting the control back to him, it went much faster than it would have had I pushed. Also, anytime I had to deal with my son first, I made a big deal about saying to the baby "You need to wait a minute, brother needs mommy right now" so he would realize he wasn't the only one who had to wait sometimes. My son was very impatient before his sister came along, but he has come a long way. I also created big boy projects that were just for him (mostly to be done when I was nursing the baby) so he felt proud and special to be the big boy. I also tried to do other things that he loved to do with me without baby, like making cookies while baby napped, or making play dough etc. The other thing he liked to do was help with baby's bath. I even let him dump cups of water over her (supervised of course) and rub in the soap etc. Bragging to daddy about how helpful he was during the day at dinner also worked great. You could just see his little chest puff up when we talked about how helpful he was or how brave or whatever else positive I could find in our day. Once your 2nd child is mobile things will drastically improve. My kids are 2 and 4 and for the most part play really well together. I would also suggest enrolling your daughter in preschool a couple of days a week so she has a chance to play with peers and get away from baby for a little bit once in awhile. Good luck. Sorry this is so long-winded.

This is very common behaviour, and it sounds like you are handling it well. Our 2 year old regressed when his brother was born, and we are finally back on the potty track (resorted to bribery). But up to this point, we just tried our best to handle it in a calm manner. We let him go as far back as wearing diapers (esp. since poop "accidents" were easier to clean-up. Though maybe I should have said lightened up on potty training strictness before baby came because I had some problems and ended up on majorly modified mommy duties. It is incredibly frustrating, and she will grow back out of it, eventually. She may still need some extra attention from both you and your spouce that does not involve the baby at all. Just try to continue to stay calm when she has "accidents." And maybe (don't think me cruel for suggesting this), if she wants to be a baby, then she has to wear diapers like a baby, and not big girl underwear. I know i sounds mean, but we've used this with our son on desperate occasions and it (slowly) worked. We also got to a point where he got a choice, diaper or pull-up (major regression here). Try to keep responding as you are, it does get better, in time.

Hi J. - I have a 3 year old who had just turned two when her little sister was born (now 10 months old). She regressed a bit with the potty training and even 2 months ago began wetting her pants only at home (and never when out or at school). I realized she was acting babylike because of the attention we paid to her little sister at home so we started back on a full potty training schedule with rewards. We used gummy bears, which I know a lot of people disagree with but we would just give her one for going potty and now - 2 months later she doesn't even ask for one and insists on peeing in the potty and doesn't even wet her night diaper! It was just what she needed to get over the rough patch. We also tried to make sure she had good one on one time and other ways to earn other rewards (being helpful, putting her clothes in the dirty laundry, getting dressed on her own) that were tangible (we use the star system where after 5 stars she can get a prize like a sheet of stickers, etc.)

Don't fret too much, I am sure she is over your initial reaction. It is hard trying to care for a new baby and deal with your oldest acting like a baby too(not meaning that in a negative way!!! :). It seems that some of what you described besides the wetting herself, the acting out, is somewhat how babies act. My children are 22 months apart, so I can relate! It seems that the oldest sees what the baby does and the attention the baby gets, so they start doing some of the same things, hoping to get eh same attention! What I did for my son was get him his own "baby". We got a doll that cried and made noises and I used it with him before the baby even arrived to get him used to the idea (somewhat) of how the baby wold act. WHen she actually did arrive, I gave him the doll to use as his "baby", when I had to hold and feed our baby,m he held and fed his, when I changed ours, he pretended to change his. It helped us a great deal. It would also be a good idea when you can, to spend some one on one time with him maybe outside of the house somewhere, so there aren't any "baby" distraction. Believe me I know it is hard with 2 little ones, but they are quite resiliant! We went through a couple of hard years, but right now they are inseperable, even to the point they will not sleep without each other! SO HONEY THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!!! Also explain to her that she is a big sister now and big girls use the potty. Tell her she needs to continue to use the potty and make good choices, because her little brother will be wathcing from her and learning from her. It always seemed to help my son when he felt he was helping teach his little sister new things! GOOD LUCK!!!! And try not to stress too much, it will work out!

J.,

I once read something that described what the arrival of a new sibling is like for the older sibling. It is like your husband bringing home a new, younger wife and there is nothing you can do to make the new wife go away. You have to share your husband with her and he is going to spend 90% of his time with her.

This comparison really helped me to understand how my son felt when we brought his sister home. I often reminded myself of how difficult it must be for him and made extra efforts to spend lots of one on one time with him. I also made sure he knew how much his little sister loved him. Once she was a few months old she would watch his every move and laugh when he talked to her. I pointed it out every time and soon he was a very proud big brother who loved to make his little sister happy.

The regression with potty training is normal. Work on her relationship with her little brother, spend lots of one on one time with her and eventually it will all fall into place.

It's exhausting, I know. But it does get better!

M.

Dear J.,
You have your hands full. And I love the name Beckett!

These things happen with the birth of a new baby or a move or any significant change in the "order" of things. It sounds like your daughter is kind of going through wanting to be a baby again. And, oh......the days when it was just you and her. She doesn't really understand that no matter what she does...no matter how many accidents or tantrums or different ways she acts out, things will never go back to the way they were. And it's okay. Soon her little brother will be able to play with her and look up to her as the big sister.
She will always be your baby. Your first baby. But, she's not a baby anymore. And, if she continues to behave like a baby, then she can't get to do big girl things like sneak out with mommy for an ice cream cone when daddy is home to watch the baby. Or go to a hair salon for a hair cut or go to pick out a new pair of shoes. Babies can't have popsicles or comb mommy's hair or have a purse with money in it or try on lipstick. (Bubble gum flavored chap stick). Being a baby is great. But there are a lot of things they can't do that are really fun and awesome and only bigger kids get to do. Big kids who have accidents don't get to do big kid things yet.
Keep your patience and let her know the fun things she can do when she's ready to act like a big girl. And really stick to it. Really do those things with her.
Again, remind her that she will always be your first baby. Nothing will ever change that.

Best wishes!

A couple of things. She's 3, she's still a baby. And yes, she has regressed but instead of concentrating on the negative try and be more supportive. Understand that even negative attention is attention and she is getting it. Take a step back, reward her when she goes to the bathroom, help her when she has an accident and don't scold her.
I really understand how you feel! My daughter is almost 6, she was completely potty trained at 3. We have moved 3 times since then and EVERY time she regresses, and then bounces back. Even now (we moved 5 weeks ago) and she is able to talk about how she feels. It is frustrating and maddening but it is up to US as the parents to stand back and see what is really happening. In your case? Your daughter is going...what is UP?? A new kid? Who is she kidding? Oh great, I get NO lap time! This isn't fair! If I wet myself she will put the baby down and be with me. From an adult standpoint, not logical. From a 3 years standpoint, completely logical.
Give her some ME time. OK Sweetie, 3pm, sister is down for her nap! Let's cuddle, read a book, color...you have mom ALL to yourself!
Also get some YOU time. Having two small children under 3 is exhausting! Even if all you do is tell your husband you are going in to take an hour long bath.
Believe me, before you know it they will both be off to school, prom, walking down the aisle (trust me on that! I have kids 27 down to 5). Take a deep breath and kiss her little nose and who cares about the wet panties? =)

Hello J.,

It is because of the new baby. She sees how much time it takes to have a new baby. How much time you have to spend on baby. My oldest girl only lasted a couple weeks peeing her panties, but the next one in line went back to diapers! She was fully potty trained before 2. Baby came at 2 1/2, and she went back to diapers! It was frustrating, but I played along. It only lasted a few weeks. I suggest you play into it for a little while longer. She will realize you still love her. Have her help you with the babies diaper changing. Get the diaper, get the wipes. While you are changing baby have a conversation about how baby cannot go in the potty like your big girl. Really play up how proud you are that she can go in the potty. She will realize it makes you happy when she goes in the potty, then she will want to make you proud. You may want to go to a reward system. Give her a sticker when she goes in the potty. She just needs the individual attention. It will work out! Good luck!

Looks like you are getting good advice here. My daughter was 2 1/2 when we had another. She did the same thing. She started pooping in her pull up at nap time and having accidents during the day. It sounds like you are doing everything right so I would say just hang in there. It will pass! It seems like it was around 6 weeks that things started to look up so maybe you are almost there.

Hi, J.!
I am going through the same thing as you! I feel for you...patience wears thin! However, try not to make much of a deal about it. My 3.5 year old regressed when the baby was about 3 months old. he started having one accident a day. I was really irritated, but tried not to show it. He even had accidents at preschool. One day, he wanted to go to KFC for dinner and I told him that we would only go after he had had one week with no accidents. Well, he did it right away! Then, just after I congratulated him on it, he had an accident!!! But I took him anyway, because he did do what I asked, which was last one week. sigh...anyway, after that, he didn't have any more accidents for a while. Once in a while, he still does, but try not to let it bother you too much. Just treat it as what it is...an accident. They are still young and even though it seems like they should know better, things still set them back. Instead of thinking to yourself, "She KNOWS better", just change your perspective and really accept it as an accident, as if she tripped and fell down. you wouldn't scold her for tripping, right? Same principle. I totally understand where you are coming from, because I am there, too. But as soon as I stopped thinking, "he KNOWS better" i found I had more patience with him. Another thing that is helpful in my household is that I talk about my feelings with my son. If I feel frustrated or mad or tired, I do explain to him that I feel that way. I say, "I am frustrated, because you keep having accidents." I am not trying to put a guilt trip on him, but I do want him to have empathy for others and I think showing them that you, as a mom, also have your limits helps your child to understand. At least, it seems that way. My 3 year old is very receptive to me telling him that I am too tired to deal with his bad behavior or frustrated with something, etc., Good luck!!!

Dear J.,
This is quite common, the older siblings feel that you are leaving them out. Try to include her in the care of the baby even if it is just little things. Also make sure that you are giving her some one on one time, even when it's only a few minutes it makes a difference. This happened to me twice, and I always asked the other ones to do things like bring a diaper, a tissue, wipes, or something that makes them feel helpful. It really cut down on the backsliding of the older children. Hope this helps Good Luck

Hi congratulation on the birth of baby Beckett. My son was 31/2 when his sister came along and he stop feeding himself. He just sat at the table looking at his food until someone feed it to him. It took a few months with lots of praise to get him to do it but he did. Yes i got cross with him and sometimes he went hungry as i was feeding his sister.

It sounds that you are doing all the right things, try and stay calm, do not shout as this make both of you unhappy. It is hard when you are tired and busy with the new one. Ask her if she had mummy time what would she like to do ?, a trip to the park, see a movie, go swimming, do some painting together and have some special time with her and over time she will settle down and be the dry wonderful darling you love. She has had you all to herself for 3 years and now she has to share you, It all new to her, so give her some time and it will settle down again. Don't be so hard on yourself either, take a step back from it all and enjoy both of them. Good luck J..

I had the exact same problem with my son. He was almost two when baby #2 came home. He had been sleeping in his bed all by himself, talking, almost fully potty trained. He regressed in all aspects, started baby talk again, wouldn't sleep in his bed, and potty accidents more than usual. For me, I just had to ride it out. It was a major transition for my older son to go from being the only one with mommy full-time now having to share her. I often was frustrated, because I was so tired, but had to realize that he was not used to sharing me and and as I needed to adjust to now having two kids, he needed time to adjust to having a brother as well.

For me, it went in cycles, for the first few months he was regressing, but we always encouraged him that he was the older brother and there were so many things that he was able to do that his baby brother couldn't. We told him that he was the big brither and that he had a very important role of being mommy's helper, and helping to care for baby brother.Getting to spend special one-on-one time with dad helped. When baby started to move around and became a little more interesting to him that is when he was more interested in the baby than was with spending time with me. Everything became a lot easier then.

Regression is a completely normal part of adding siblings to the family. It will pass, just try your best to be patient (I know, it's hard, esp. when you are up all nght with the baby) and put yourself in your daughter's shoes, you have just asked her to share you and in a little ones world you are their world and that is asking a lot.

As long as you are angry with her she will blame the new baby. He is an interloper. I am a second child and I know, my sister resented the hell out of me and it is not uncommon. Please try to have compassion for your daughter, as she is making a huge adjustment and she's only had three years to figure out what the world is all about. She doesn't have enough information yet, and her analytical skills are undeveloped. Give her some positive reinforcement WHENEVER you can, over the littlest things, and make sure she knows you love her, even though she's having accidents. She might end up hating her sib if you don't. And that's not something you want to have to live with, it can cause lifelong problems in your kids' lives too.

Hi Juianne - That is really frustrating but the behavior is completely normal. Children often have accidents (and they are accidents - they do it on purpose) into Elementary School age. Stop stressing and start loving. I think 3 yeras old is a bit early to expect your daughter to do a proper job of cleaning herself up and dresing herself - but maybe Caitlin is advanced for her age. It sounds like you want her to be. What you need is a break from all this stress so you can be a sweet Mommy to your sweet babies (and they are both still babies). Try to get some time to yourself. Hope this helps. Pattib

My daughter was 2 1/2 when her baby brother was born. She had potty trained almost fully two weeks before his birth, a week after he was born she regressed. Thank fully she was still in diapers. She even told me one day "Change me on the table like the baby"( i had been changing her on the floor because she was too heavy and i had broke my tail bone in labor). She saw what attention the baby was given when i changed his diaper and wanted that attention. Disciplining her when she has an accident is only going to make it worse and both of you feel bad. If she does go in the toilet make a big deal of it and give her lots of positive attention or spend one on one time with her while she sits on the toilet to show her she is still special even though she is not in diapers. If she still has accidents you might have to go back to diapers and wait it out. My daughter has just potty trained in the last month, it took 20 months later to get this done. no matter what her dad and i did or promised her she never budged. she WILL do it again but when she is ready. i know this is not what you want to hear and my husband tried every trick in the book to get her to re-train even though our pediatrician told us not to bug her but to let her do it on her own. the pediatrician was right it all happened in one day, she decided to go in the potty and that was that. i hope your situation is better than mine and she re-trains quicker, good luck.
T.
P.S. my daughter always listened to me and was basically an angel till her brother was born. then her attitude was the worst thing about having another baby. she was so independent before then became clingy, cranky, tantrum throwing, non-obeying little devil. there were days i thought "why did i do this to us, her?" it took about 2 months and then she got used to it and now they are the best of friends. it will get better, hold on.

Get a sitter and have special times alone with just your 3 year old. And TELL her this is your special time with just her and not the baby. She needs extra attention right now and it's next to impossible with an infant. But the regressing is normal.

Hi J.,

My son also had accidents when his sister was born. I would put a pull-up diaper on him. He knew that diapers were for babies and didn't like it. But, I kept telling him that if he peed in his pants he had to wear a diaper. I wouldn't get upset over wet pants, and he would go to the potty so he wouldn't have to wear the diaper.

Good luck!

Last week, my 7 year-old just had two accidents in one day. She's had them on occasion the past few years, but hasn't had one for over 6 months. I thought it stopped. Last week was the first week of 2nd grade. Then, I remembered the same thing happened during her first week in 1st grade and Kindergarden. I'm wondering about this pattern. Is it just the changes or is it stress related to the changes?