I'm trying to understand my son - I know his temperment - a senstive child - who is very verbal when he does not like something. When we are in a public setting - play ground, or park...where lots of kids are playing - there is usually an incident: someone either accidentally or intentionally bumping into my son or something else that understandably can cause anger - like being hit, or a toy being taken while he is playing with it...I intervene and have offending party apologize and I have my son say,"I forgive you" or give a hug, but he is still mad (i know that I don't let go of things that I'm mad about the minute it happens either) Question: How do I help my son process his feelings so he doesn't hold on to them and stay mad for too long...sometimes he'll remind me of the incident thru-out the day - very hard when we are on a playdate and my son doesn't want to play with his friend anymore... Ironically - the things he gets mad at are things that he willl at times do to other kids. Thanks for any advice, good books to read, any feedback.
thanks for all who responded...the biggest change that I've made is that I'm not intervening everytime my son gets mad when he interacts with other kids...in turn he is working things out himself and he is then not getting mad as often. My son knows what he should do without me forcing him to do it...thank you for all the reminders of that...also...I appreciate the suggestion of "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk."...I just got it...looking forward to reading it. Thank you also to the mom who actually gave me some examples of what to say to my son in certain situations...I in turn am working on myself to not get mad to often either...it's helped me to focus on the positive when I wake up and when I go to bed...not that I don't get mad at all in the course of the day, but the small stuff don't bother me as it used to. Thanks again everyone!
I agree with Kristine M. Acknowledge his feelings and don't force him to pretend they have changed.
I, too, recommend the wise and practical book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk." Read some of the book here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081...#
"That made you mad, didn't it?" "You didn't like it when you got hit?" "That's okay that you don't feel like playing right now." "Would you like some time to calm down before you play?" "I don't like getting hit either." Or, let your son know, with his words, that he does not like how his friend is playing. "Don't hit me." "I don't like being knocked over." "I don't want to play if you're going to do that." Etc, etc. He needs to be empowered to express what he wants AND express his anger in a safe place with you. He also has the right to not want to play with his friend right away. He has the right to feel he doesn't want to be friends, but being a child, he may want to be friends tomorrow.
Too, I'm not sure kids are ready to "forgive" so quickly, just as adults don't recover that quickly. To forgive right away feels disempowering and disingenuous. We all need a little time to understand what happened and process a sense of fairness, something that will be extremely important in elementary school years.
Three is when complex emotions emerge. (Going through it now with my girl!!!) You'll do great leading him, empowering him through this process.
Jen
This reminded me of what happened to my son and about at the same age. After several severe meltdowns and very scary displays of outrage, I knew that something had to be done.
I worked in a preschool and he attended there as well. He got into trouble daily due to not being able to control emotions. I eventually got him tested after talking with my director. The outcome of this got him placed in an early childhood classroom where there were other kids like him. He was in this classroom for 2 years and this year he started kindergarten. To make a long story short, I ended up taking him to see a psychiatrist. My son was diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, and ODD. I had no idea what ODD was..It is oppositional defiance disorder. Kids with this cannot control the emotions that overtake them, leaving them frustrated, confused, angry at just about everything. They act on rage and often find themselves confused as to what just happened. Things do not process as quickly in their brains as they normally should. It is all based on impulse. They are not trying to be "the bad kid" or angry, it is just that they do not know how to handle the situation when anger takes over. It is easier to get mad, do what they want at that time and then regret it later. It is like a bouncing ball inside of their head...you never know when the ball is gonna stop. My son often regrets his actions but always after the fact. He is currently on medication (I had a hard time giving my son meds) but I have seen improvement. You may want to keep a journal of things that happen and get him in to see a psychiatrist. List your concerns and go from there. It is a long process but there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Good Luck to you and know that you are not alone out there with what you or your son is going through.
Check out the book, Raising your Emotionally Intelligent Child. Love that book!
mine is similar in that he is super sensitive and can get SO emotional. i feel the bottom line is how HE acts, he can't control what other kids do. if the offending party ignores what they've done to him, and the kid's mom doesn't see it or doesn't feel the need to have her child apologize, there's no sense walking your son over and having him tell the kid he's forgiven. they don't care! he's got to deal with these emotions on his own on some level. being mad is fine, but it's not okay to act on it and lashing out is unacceptable- time outs, or in extreme cases (if he's in meltdown mode) maybe just leave all together. be a good example and try to resolve issues in your own life in the way you'd want him to, and let him see that. i kinda feel like in this case though, either he's going a bit overboard to get attention, or he might have an anger control problem. don't make a huge deal out of it: "honey that little boy didn't mean to bump into you, just go back and play ok?" (as longas he's not hurt of course) or if you feel he's really losing it over someone accidentally bumping into him, pull him aside and calm him down before he is allowed to go back and play. it sounds like he might be playing it up a bit. possible? we have to preach and practice forgiveness and patience or they'll never learn it. every little accidental touch is not cause for meltdown. it's our job as the moms to teach our kids how to handle our emotions appropriately. you've got to be the calm, in control one. good luck!
I think it's interesting that he is forced to forgive and hug people when he obviously doesn't feel like forgiving or hugging someone. I don't think it's being respectful to his feelings actually. He doesn't feel like his feelings were acknowledged and so he's dwelling on it.
A really great book for talking with kids is called "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk." I believe the authors are Faber and Mazlish. The tools in the book are teach good communication skills for everyone, not just kids.
He probably took after you, or his father. We forget sometimes when our kids do things that it is in their genes, and blood. I suggest that you think about it, and I bet one of you is very unforgiven. I have issues with forgiveness myself, and took after my late mother. She remembers what someone did to her over 50 years ago, and she will never trust or be your friend again once you hurt her. If you are a girl who became interested in boys at an early age, and your daughter starts liking boys early don't act surprise. She took after you, and you were no angel at her age. How soon we forget? I know my children took after me, but are exactly like their dad. We are now divorced after 21 years, and one looks exactly like him. I have to laugh, and shake my head sometimes. It is like "deja vu" all over again. You know what they say "the apple does not fall far from the tree". My best friend who gave hell to her parents as a teenager is now acting surprise, because her daughters are doing the exact same things she use to do. I have to remind her of her wild past, and she laughs.
Jen's on the money... teachable moments. :)
Hi E.,
You would get mad easily if you were 3 years old, too. We all would. A 3-year-old is powerless in our world. Adults make all the decisions for them and they aren't big enough or articulate enough to do things the way they would like. It's our job to validate those emotions and facilitate communication for them.
Imagine that someone forced you to apologize for something or to forgive someone for hurting you. Could you do it? Would it alleviate your anger? How meaningful would your forced apology or forgiveness be? Children are a lot smarter than we give them credit for. Your son knows the apology is meaningless and it sends him the message that you do not really understand his feelings. It's OK for him to be angry. Validate that for him. Help him articulate that and, only then, can you help him find healthy ways of expressing himself. He needs that from you.
Here is an article that should be of some help to you.
http://www.gilabrown.com/GB/Blog/Entries/2009/7/21_The_Ga...
Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator
www.GilaBrown.com
My 3 year old son is quick to anger. He's mellowed a lot over the last few years. He's almost 4 now and I can get him to calm down enough to discuss things rationally. Sometimes not. Many times what triggers him is his litter sister doing the EXACT things he used to do to his older brother....like breaking apart train tracks, ripping a page out of a book, etc....but he LOSES it. Finally, I turn it into something funny and then he's ok with it, especially once I tell him that he used to do the exact same thing. Our 3 year old gets offended a lot and he often is not always things that someone did something intentionally. I have to show him the other side of the coin.
The other thing is, is that our 1st son is SUPER gregarious, very sports-oriented, will talk to anyone about anything. Our 3 year is not. Totally different personality and tempermant. He wanted to do soccer, so we signed him up. He was fine until more kids showed up, then he said he was done. He took him to taekwondo, where he's literally been, with our older son, since he was 4 days old - 3x/week. We got him there and he sat there looking at the ground. He finally came over and said he didn't want to do this. I was ok with that. I never push the kids to do anything, but rather, regarding chores give them impetus to do what I want on their own terms....especially with men, it had to be their idea! LOL
Maybe see what he wants to say, "I forgive you" is huge and if he really doesn't, then you are training his to say things he doesn't mean. I get why you are doing it, but maybe when that happens, remind him that we are not perfect - none of us - and have him come sit down with you until he can cool off. We use the words "mean" and "nice" a lot in our house. When he is ready, then he can go over and make nice. Our son needs to be alone to cool off and process it. When he is ready, then we quicly discuss what happened and i ask him , "Can you go over and kiss your sister and tell her that you love her?" His usual response is yes and then they kiss each other and ironically, BOTH of them say they are sorry and then both of them say it's ok. Our daughter is only 22 months.
Good luck....he'll be fine....and so will you. Parenting is certainly the hardest job I ever signed up for! The job description is constantly changing and once you get everything right, a new challenge arises. Keep breathing. Sounds like you are doing a great job.
I'm an adult and I do the same thing if I eat the wrong foods. It makes me wonder if that is what is wrong with most children. Have you considered that. God Bless! J.
