3 Year Old Boy Won't Use Potty Because He "Likes to Go in His Pants"

Hehe. We've had this happen before, too.
At this point, it's a control issue. He is manipulating you. He's probably not doing it intentionally, but it's the one little thing he feels like he has power over.

Two thoughts:

1. Have him wear only an oversize t-shirt (an adult one goes to floor length) and nothing else. Yes, the result will be messy but I have used this method twice and it only takes a day or two. He needs to know how to associate the feeling of going to the bathroom with what happens next - an accident on the floor if he doesn't get to the potty. Obviously, you can only do this while you're at home. An alternative would be no diaper or underwear under his regular clothing.

2. Give him little things to have control over. A pet Beta fish or something. He can take responsibility for feeding it and talking to it. Or, ask him to help make choices - a snack at the grocery store, what book he can read before bed, etc.

It is not uncommon for children to poop in their pants. It is much more difficult for a child to learn to poop in the potty than pee. So your "problem" is not really a problem (except for you having to clean it up!). It most likely is not jealousy issues, he is just not ready yet. Punishment can be very detrimental since he really is not doing anything wrong. Try to catch him before he goes and put him on the potty and be patient. Reward him when he goes on the potty.

I have to say that punishing doesn't work. It just makes them more resistant. My son didn't get it and really potty train until this past December when he was 3 years and 4 months old. It really is true that they will do it on their own. Sometimes they just don't really get it.

With my son, he fought us and seemed like he was being resistant but then one day, it was as if someone turned on a switch inside his brain. From them on he got the peeing down. The poo came about a week and a half later.

My advice is to come up with a reward system. Something that both you and your husband as well as his Mother agree to. My cousin used Tootsie Rolls. We used Hershey's kisses. For every successful pee on the potty, he got one treat. For a poo, he got 3. He knew where the candy was and knew what he needed to do to get it. It was a great incentive. I, also, promised him a much coveted toy (the Imaginext Pirate Ship) when he went pee and poo on the potty for 10 days straight without an accident. I bought the toy and let it sit where he could see it but he couldn't play with it until he went on the potty for those 10 straight days without an accident. He was itching to play with it. He would touch it longingly. But he still had accidents. Then one day about 2 weeks after I bought it, he just seemed to suddenly get it. Like someone flipped on a switch inside his tiny brain.

With my daughter, my sister potty trained her in a weekend when she babysat while my husband and I were on a trip. She spent one whole day pretty much in the bathroom. They went on the potty for 10 minutes and then she got to play for 20, then back on the potty for 10 minutes. She got it pretty quick. But when I picked her up on Sunday, she wanted her diaper back on. However, after 30 hours of no accidents and no diapers, I refused. It was a little bit of a struggle for 2 days but I stuck to it. After that an accident was rare. My sister, also, made a potty book with her. They recorded each time she tried and whether or not she was successful. If she was successful, she got to put stickers in the book.

Here is the main thing, though. You only have him 50 percent of the time. You have to coordinate it with his mother. If you are not all on the same page, then it isn't going to work. If you make him try and she doesn't, then by the time you get him back, you have to start all over again. So think of the things you could do and then talk to her to see what will work for both of you so that you are working together not setting each other back.

Most important of all, try to be patient. Sometimes it seems like they are being obstinate but they just might not be getting it yet. They may be trying but until they connect that feeling with pottying, then they won't get it. That seems to take a little longer with boys than girls. Also, with boys, the two don't come together. And aiming can be another big obstacle.

Hope this helps and best of luck in your endeavor.

our oldest was vey good about urinating on the potty, but she preferred to poop in her pants. She would hide in a corner, and push. Finally, one day, we caught her at it, I told my husband to grab her and get her to the toilet, and he did, and she did it there, and that was that. She never again pooped her pants.

I didn't have any boys, but I thought my sister's method of potty training the boys was pretty funny. They lived on what used to be a farm, and the play area was pretty much hidden from the roadway. so she simply put them in long tee shirts that covered their butts, and let them go outside in the summer with no underwear. she didn't really care where they did their duties, and they learned very quickly when it was going to come out. :-)

I don't think she had a problem with them pooping in their pants, however, as much as she had them urinating in them. And she tried this because she had the idea that maybe the way their underwear fit, they couldn't quite tell when they were going to urinate. Naked, they figured it out just fine.

If you live in town, it wouldn't work, cuz your neighbors would wonder about you . . . but it worked for 3 of her 4 !! It's a little brazen, but if there weren't any pants to poop in during the summer, your step son might figure out that it's a whole lot easier to do it on the pot !! :-)

(And no, her boys NEVER did it in the house unless they were on the pot. And when they were playing outside, or in the woods ? She really didn't care which tree they watered.)

I don't know ANYONE else who did this, but I thought it was pretty funny, and if nothing else, it'll lighten your day !!

Hi A.,
It sounds to me like he's just not ready yet. Whether he's really not ready or is just jealous of the baby's attention I don't know. But I think you cannot really turn back now. It may be tough going for a while yet. O. thing I wanted to mention--I don't know if your son is using a potty chair, potty seat, etc., but my son (for some strange reason!) liked to face backwards on the toilet (using a ring). I think he felt more secure sitting backwards. It might be worth a try! Good luck!

Hi A.,

I'm in the same boat as you. My son will be 3 in June. We spent 3 days in the house with him in underwear and for 3 days he screamed like a crazy person every time i put him on the toilet. He would sit there screaming and crying until finally he couldn't hold it anymore and he'd pee. And when he was done he'd be so happy that "he did it" and I'd think...'OK great this is it! He's figured it out'...Well after 3 days he hadn't figured it out...It was non stop screaming and crying (he was upset too haha) and I broke the golden rule and gave up. I'll try again...but I think for now he may not be ready. Good Luck! And if you figure it out let me know! :) ____@____.com

Thanks
C.

Dear A.

My son went through the same thing with peeing. He knew how to use the potty but would still make it in his pants and when i asked him why he told me he liked the way it felt. How to you arguee that one. You mentioned that he does it in his diaper. I think the key may be to take him out of diapers altogether during the day. Perhaps that might help. Also just be aware that poo and pee have a different sensation for children and often children have issues with pooing in a potty. Perhaps time just might be the answer. Sometimes no attention for a bad behaviour works better than negative attention for a bad behaviour. If you don't make a fuss then he might get tired of having poo in his underpants!! Good luck.

I read that most kids go poop around the same time everyday and they also show signs of pooping like leaving the room or hiding in a corner. If they are doing this, then quickly take them to the potty and have him sit until it comes. We also got our son a special potty toy for when he pooped. He didn't have any remote control cars, so we went to the store and he got to pick out his own RC truck. It sat on the back of the toilet until he pooped and then he got to play with it for 20 min. He liked it so much and asked to play with it a lot, but we always reminded him that he had to poop in the potty to be able to play with it. Hope that helps.

Don't feel bad...your not alone. I'm having the same problem with my son. Frustrating..but I think my husband being inpatient is even more frustrating.

Has this been an issue just since the birth of YOUR son/children? If it has, it may be rivalry issues. After all, he has your attention instead of the baby when he acts out like this. Ask his mom if he pulls the same tricks when he's at her place, if you can.

Dear A.,
Regardless of this little boy's intelligence, he's being shifted back and forth between your home & his mother's. Potty training is difficult enough when you're with the same people every day, but when the child is constantly being shifted around, there is no continuity. Perhaps the first place to start might be a meeting with you, his Dad, his Mom and any other adults who care for him (grandparents, day care, etc.) so that everyone can discuss what is the best approach for this child. This way everyone is on the same page and can offer the same rewards and consequences. My youngest sister is in a similar situation, but she and her boyfriend only have his kid on Mondays and every other weekend.
Probably the best piece of advice I can give would be to try to put yourself in his place. His parents are separated. His father is remarried. He goes back and forth between your home and his mom's. He's very likely still trying to figure out where he fits, since you & your husband have two kids of your own that are with you all the time. Also, remember that at three years old he can't answer "why", because he doesn't have the skills or ability to reason. At that age, he's capable of asking why and wanting an explanation, but is not able to give an explanation.
He's three years old, and may not be ready yet, despite his intelligence. My son (who just turned 5) was not fully potty trained until right around his 4th birthday, and he has a consistent family home. Let him know that you love him no matter what, and that you're just trying to help him learn to be a big boy. :)
I hope that something I said will help you. I'll be praying for all of you! :)

This was also tough for our daughter. Her sitter had trained her on the potty at 18 months, but I was the one who was not ready, so I let it go. Then she didn't potty train until she was 3.

We told her she couldn't go to preschool unless she was potty trained, got her potty books, got her big-girl panties to wear only after she was potty trained (then put them on her and let her have accidents), showed her the Mister Rogers Neighborhood show about the potty.

Finally I asked her WHY she didn't want to go--was it that she didn't know where it would go? She said she was afraid all the urine and BMs went to the ocean (like in "Finding Nemo"), and then what would happen to them? Who would take care of them?

I asked her if she would like me to find out where the BMs and urine went, and she said she did. So I called the Philadelphia Water & Sewer Dept and asked them. The woman I spoke to was very nice and referred me to their website (and probably told everyone else in her department). They have a great, child-friendly website and I ran through it with my daughter.

Then I could tell her, if she continued to use disposable diapers, they would just add to landfill waste (disposable diapers make up 5%); whereas the Water & Sewer Department cleans "liquid biological waste" (urine) and makes it into nice sparkling clean drinking water (three cleansing processes, about like for river water), and makes "soild biological waste" (BMs) into either fertilizer or sustainable groundfill for abandoned quarries. That cleared it up for her.

Hope this helps! I understand that Children's Hospital in Boston has a potty training program, 4-6 weeks. Good luck!

Hey A. -
My older son was like this too. He was still giving me a tough time using the potty at 3 1/2. So - I gently laid down the law. I explained that he is a big boy...and that he can do it. One day - I gated off the kitchen and I stripped him down (no diaper). Eventually he would have to go...and the potty was right there. No excuses. There were a couple of accidents - but it was easy clean up on a tile floor : )

I think my older son was a bit jealous too - I had recently had another baby. Stick to your guns...reassure him that he is a big boy and he CAN DO IT!!!
Best of luck!

My youngest when he just turned 3 years old, decided he liked going in his pants because it was easier than running to the bathroom and he did not want to stop playing to go. So his training pants became the issue and made him lazy in wanting to use the potty or not at all. So I told him, that this (saving about 20 pull ups for night time) was the last big bag I was buying of pull ups. If he did not start going to the potty like the big boy I knew him to be (because he did know how to use the potty, just made the choice not to), he was just going to get wet and messy if he chose not to use the bathroom after that. I knew this would be harder on me (washing clothes), but it would put that right next to his skin so he could feel it. He would go 'ewey' when he did have an accident and want to get changed immediately. I told him if he did not want to get 'ewey' than it has to go in the potty. within 2 weeks he was potty trained, in a month he was not wetting the bed at night either.
It is much more difficult when you do not have him 100% of the time. You cannot control what goes on in him mom's house. So it may take longer to do this kind of thing in your home.

Since what "works" for every child is different, I'll just let you know what recently worked for us. I told my nearly 3yr old that it was time for her to be a "big girl", and since big girls pee & poo in the potty, she was not going to wear diapers (except while sleeping) anymore. Of course, we had been reading her potty books, having her "try" at her own pace...all with NO results. So, we cleared our calendar and stayed home for the first few days of training. At first we simply had her go naked from the bottom down - no underpants and NO diapers! I believe that if you put diapers or pull-ups on kids while they're are potty training, they are getting mixed signals and won't ever "get it" completely. It's too easy for them to just do it the way they always have. Anyway, she did NOT like this at first, and we had a few (2) wet messes the first day, but NONE after that. She did not want to soil herself, and I kept reminding her that she had no diaper on, so if she felt it coming, she needed to run to the potty. But I did not make her sit on the potty, just let her figure out that it was time. I don't know if this method would work for you, but hopefully your stepson would choose the potty over peeing & pooing all over himself all day, with no diaper. If not, I would calmly have him HELP you clean it up, and say that next time you're sure he will be a big boy and use the potty. I've always read that punishing is not helpful for potty training, only praise when they do something good. Don't ignore the "accidents", but don't punish or overreact either - he may be just tryng to get your attention, since you have 2 other little ones. Another thing that helped us ALOT was to wrap a bunch of "presents" for when our daughter successfully used the potty. We put the wrapped presents out so she could see them, and told her she could pick one out if she did potty. At first she got a present every time, then we changed it to every day she did good, then once/week...now she is trained & wearing big girl underwear. I also gave her 3 m&m's for every time she "tried", whether or not anything came out. My best advice would be to praise and use a reward system. Give him special "big boy" treats or activities that the younger 2 are not a part of.
Good luck!

Hi,
Just so you know it's not your fault or your husband's or the fact that you only have him half of the time. There is one simple answer, and especially since you said that "he likes to go in his pants." He may actually like the feeling of it. I know that sounds gross, but some children feel this way. I know this becuase of some psychology classes I took in college. I would google it, or even talk to your doctor about it to find out what you can do about. Please don't worry, he won't be like this forever, it really is just a phase, but to stop it sooner call the doc to see what they suggest. Good Luck!
C.

Boy it sounds like you have your hands full! I can really understand how wonderful it would be if your step son used the toilet. I had two in diaper at one time, boy can I understand. Following that what I am about to say may make no sense, but I would let him poop in his pants for now. If you can predict when that will be put him in a pull-up or a diaper to let him go in those.

Your step son has been through a lot of stuff in his short life, over which he has had little control. He may well be controlling the only thing he can - his body. This really isn't a fight that is worth getting into. Trust me, I learned this the hard way. My AIdan ended up withholding his poop and damaging his colon. He took laxatives for YEARS to recover from the damage done during that time. You cannot force child to go into the toilet - he will almost always win that battle. It is his body! If the adults around a child turn it into a power struggle, it can get so ugly. I really wish someone had told me this. Withholding poop for long periods of time (like children engaged in a power struggle over the using the potty sometimes do) can lead to serious physical conditions like chronic constipation and encoperisis (look it up - gross and unpleasant stuff ). Some battles really aren't worth fighting.

Little children naturally want to grow up. They want to be like the adults around them. Your step son knows that the grown-ups around him use the toilet. It is normal for older siblings to regress when new little ones come to the house. It is normal for 3 year olds to resist toilet training and other big changes. He will eventually use the toilet... they all will.

Have you tried pretending like you do not care either? Since he says he likes it, maybe do a little reverse psychology on him and praise him for doing *such* a good job of pooping in his pants. When he questions why you'd do this (or if he questions), tell him that it's his choice to go poop in his pants or on the potty and since he chooses to use his pants, you're willing to encourage him and make sure he does it as well as possible. I'd say feel free to go overboard with rewarding his choice so he feels like you really mean it - you're really going to support his decision. Sometimes giving them permission to do something unspeakable is enough to break them out of it : )

Good Day A.,

WOW! You have your hands FULL at these ages.

This is just a suggestion:
How about a different direction? At these ages it's hard and very challenging(any age really) but at this age they can't just tell you the problem.
It sounds like your stepson is looking for "attention"? He sees you with the little ones changing diapers - feedings - holding etc. He "misses" that stage? Does he wear regular underpants or pullups? Again, this is just a suggestion maybe try the pullups and every once in awhile ask him if he needs to use the bathroom? If he says no and has accidents in his pullup, that's okay don't disipline him there is that possibility his body is not "mature" enough just yet. Also that might be his way of getting extra attention. Once he sees it not working he'll go on the potty. Maybe let him have some of his spiderman things he will see that he is getting attention anyway. I know it's really hard I'm a Mom of 4 my youngest 2 are 17 months apart. Maybe when the other children are napping you two can sit down and color or just watch TV? Do www.noggin.com on the computer? My 3 & 4 year old LOVE IT! I know I used to get housework done when the kids where napping but I was also told by the Pediatrician that your housework will always wait and be there! The children will grow and soon will leave the nest!

I hope this helps?

A little about me: I'm a work from home Mom of 4 with my own home based business married to my best friend! My kids & husband like to help me with my home based business. www.trisharay.candlebizfromhome.com

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