3 Siblings Continuous Fighting Amongst Each Other

I just recently picked up the book, siblings without rivalry at Barns and Noble. I thought it was VERY helpful :)

I highly recommend this book : "Mom, Jason is breathing on me." the Solution to Sibling Bickering by Anthony Wolf.

Here is the link to it on Amazon http://www.amazon.com/Mom-Jasons-Breathing-Me-Bickering/d...

His book is laugh out loud funny & filled with real-life examples. His advice is very helpful - telling you when to step in, when to ignore things and why.

Here is a description of Wolf's method taken from Amazon.com
"(Wolf) suggests a fairly hands-off approach, advising parents to simply not get involved in their children's bickering-related drama (unless there's danger of imminent harm). He grounds this methodology in three basic rules: don't take sides, act whenever you start getting irritated and never listen to what's going on. He also explains why siblings bicker (the number one reason: trying to get a parent on their side) and addresses many tangential aspects of childrearing (e.g., how to instill self-esteem).

I've used Wolf's methods specifically for my step-son (9yrs) and my daughter (a very dramatic 7yrs) and 99% of the time they are best friends.

Good Luck!

T. Y
SAHM of almost 4 (9yrs, 7yrs, 19 months and 26 weeks pregnant with baby #4)

Boy, you have your hands full, don't you? I think the previous poster makes some excellent points. In addition, I think you have to do two things: 1) stop the unacceptable physical behavior first. Immediately separate them and put them in separate rooms - use as few words as possible but make the consequences immediate. I would not just divert them or let them watch TV or play - I would just stop them in their tracks and make the alternative to fighting a lot less pleasurable! If the fighting is getting your attention, they may actually be enjoying that. If the fighting leads to immediate negative consequences, then they will figure out that it's entirely fruitless for them to continue. 2) Decide which other behaviors really make you nuts - is it the tattling, the whining, what? Make immediate consequences for that too. We had rules about tattling - if there was no immediate danger, no one was bleeding, and nothing in the house was either flooded or on fire, then it was not an emergency and we did not need to be interrupted with every little thing.

Teaching them to use their words or to work things out between them is secondary. I don't mean that it's not important, but they can't do that when they are angry. They can work it out or not work it out, it's up to them. But the kicking stops NOW and the bothering you with trivial complaints stops NOW. You can hold a family meeting and set ground rules - one person talks at a time and gets to finish before anyone else says anything, there's no yelling, for example. You can draw straws to decide who goes first. Then have an object that the talker holds - you can only talk when you hold that object. Each person says how it makes them FEEL rather than just criticize another. Be sure that YOU take a turn and so does your husband! Again, talk about how you FEEL when they fight. You are sad, you are afraid for their safety, you wish you could take them on trips or play games but you can't when they fight, whatever. My guess is that they will all wind up with common ground - they all feel hurt when another takes their toys, or they all feel sad or afraid when another kicks them, and so on. From this consensus, you can determine some key family rules and post them. Depending on the kids' reading ability, you can use words or pictures on a chart that's posted in a prominent place. Among those rules could be that they separate themselves quietly if they aren't getting along, and they don't interrupt you to do it for them - or whatever you come up with that works better. They can also choose some punishments and some rewards that are acceptable to you and your husband. Once they are deprived of privileges, they will get the message very quickly. Another trick is to ask them if they behave this way in school or preschool. If not, ask them why not. They'll probably say that the teacher doesn't allow it, or they'll get in trouble, or they'll be put in time out -- that will be your clue about what works and what doesn't work with them in other settings! It's perfectly okay to steal techniques or vocabulary from others! Good luck and hang in there.

Set a clear list of rules for "everyone". Pick only 2 for them to follow for the first week or two. Pick the most important ones...like no hurting anyone else (which includes hitting). Be specific and post them in large letters on the wall or frig. They will each get a check mark at the end of the day when they have accomplished no hitting. Initial the date on it. If one child hits...the person that they hit gets an extra check for not retaliating.
The most checks at the end of the week gets a special icecream treat out. If they all do well, they all get to go. Make it a fun game.
I have 4 children and as small children they did not fight.
Good Luck!
S.

OMG. I have been having this trouble now for a few months so I am so glad to read all the great responses to help me too. Some times it feels like I am not doing the right thing to stop this behavior that makes me want to just scream. I have two 5 yr olds that are fine one second and then literally choking each other the next. I have set up two major rules. Any physical behavior results in immediate time out. Because hitting, kicking, head butting, biting, ect is NEVER allowed this is a double time out so instead of the normal 5 minutes they now get 10. The second rule is I never want to hear a sentence start with the other siblings name unless they are hurt and they need me. Soon as I get "but he" or "but she" I stop them and say no tattling.
A new thing I have been trying to do is teach them how to deal with each other. For example if one is bugging the other to ask nicely to stop and go away instead of just screaming "stop". The physical behavior has definitely stopped overall but every day stay brings challenges. Thanks for asking the question and thanks for some great ideas to try.

Hi M.,
Three suggestions, depending on your mood.
1) The Tattle Gnome: buy a garden gnome or any ceramic doll/animal that will stand on its own. Place it close enough to kind of hear if you want to. Tell the children that from now on they have to tattle to the gnome. If the gnome hears anything really important that will be passed along to you and you will deal with it at that time. (This idea came from my son's high school math teacher who had the students give their excuses for not having their homework to the gnome. They quickly figured there were no excuses for being late.)
2) If you do want to have them bring their disputes to you then have them phrase their statements in the "I" form. Instead of coming to you and saying 'Johnny hit me' the child must say what they did, 'I was teasing Johnny and he hit me'. It is less confrontational and makes them stop and think about how their actions affect others.
3) Try the book 1-2-3 Magic. It is available on video and book. It is a structured time-out program without any discussion. It works fairly quickly if you are strict with your usage of the process.
Good Luck,
D. C
Behavioral Paraprofessional, 49yo Mom of 4: g16, b14, b12, b9

I have a 10 year old girl and a 7 year old girl who are at each other constantly. A friend of mine was also dealing with the bickering and started a new rule. Anytime they couldn't resolve their conflict on their own or with violence they had to hug for 10 minutes. And if during that 10 minutes they were squeezing too tight or rough housing their 10 minutes started over. I tried this and I must say it seems to work. My oldest especially hates it. Now that she has had to do it a couple of times though a quick reminder of what's coming their way if things escalate any further and suddenly all is right with the world. Summertime is hard and especially with the weather we've had this summer. If we're able to get out and do things they can usually play much nicer together. If they are stuck indoors with only each other to play with they get out of hand. So trying to find ways to keep them busy with activities and crafts and stuff if at all possible is great too. But for those times when it's just not possible I would institute the hugging rule. They usually end up laughing by the end of the ten minutes ;).

At this age it is hard to reason with children as to why they shouldn't be arguing fighting, etc. Sometimes you have to use bribery, coersion, and (my favorite) diversions.

One of the most memorable diversions we used once involved a simple "chore". I gave each of the two who were fighting a spray bottle of glass cleaner and placed them on either side of a glass door. Their job - clean it! Imagine their delight when they could "shoot" each other through the window! Within seconds they were giggling and laughing, forgetting that they were mad at each other and my glass door got clean (not counting a few streaks).

My husband prefers the tomato staking method. He straps a wrist and an ankle together and they have to learn to cooperate to even function. This ends up in giggles, too.

The great thing about each of these methods is that you can still give your logical lecture against sibling bickering as you have a captive audience. They hear more when they're giggling than when they're sulking. Go figure!

HTH!

I also recommend Siblings Without Rivalry. I've used a lot of the techniques in that book very successfully.

May I guess that it has gotten worse since they are out of school? My 2 kids are at each other a lot too. The weather doesn't help either, at least not here in the Northeast.
Friends of mine have posted "family rules" that the whole family chooses together. This could make it easier when reminding them on what they have agreed on.
The verbal fighting usually doesn't worry me too much, that is part of life. I often go through the roof, when kids are hurting each other, on purpose.
Check out the book: How to talk so kids will listen by Faber/Mazlish. This is a great resource for us adults to address those things more effectively.

OMG! I love the window washing one and the other suggestion Cindy came up with! More of a lesson than anything I've heard of!