My grandmother passed away a little over a month ago, and my 3 1/2 year old daughter knows about it. she had met my grandmother before - many times actually - so we felt like we needed to tell her. she was not at the funeral, but she was at the reception at the church following the memorial service. she wanted to know why everyone was sad, and why there were pictures of my grandmother everywhere. so we told her that my grandmother was really old, and had lived a good, long life (90 years), but that she had gotten a little sick and couldn't do too much anymore, so God decided it was time to take her to heaven. we said she was happy there, but we wouldn't be able to see her for a long, long time, so everyone was sad just because we would miss her until it was our turn to go to heaven. i'm not sure if that was the right thing to say, but now she likes to talk about death, pretend her dolls have died, and say she's going to heaven tomorrow. so i guess my question is, is that a normal psychological reaction, and should i let her continue to play it out, or should i tell her it's not nice to play about death?
Thanks for all the responses. It helps to hear the things you said - I think for the most part I knew she was having a normal reaction, but it's still unnerving for Barbie to die... :) It's just nice to hear she's normal and is not going to grow up to be the next Morticia Adams. (lol) I really appreciate all the condolences and reassurances. Bless you all.
Not only is it completely normal but it is a way for her to understand and cope with what happened. Young children deal with life by playing. I know it's kind of freaky. I had a student in one of my classes whose dad had passed away so she made graves on the playground nearly every day. It helped her accept what happened. Again, it's completely normal.
It sounds like you've handled it well. And it sounds like she's trying to sort it out in her mind in a healthy way. I think telling her to stop might make it scarier for her. We've not gone through the loss of a family member yet, but when my husband lost a friend, and they learned that they had an uncle who died as a young adult, they talked about it A LOT, and on and off for a long time. They were a little older than your daughter so I think it came out more in questions/comments rather than play. I'm sorry for your loss.
Completely normal! Your daughter is processing what she's learned in the best way she knows how. Let her work through it, for sure. I think your explanation was a good one. (I worry a tiny bit if you say "gramma got a little sick" just b/c I don't want her to think "a little sick" might mean she or someone she loves could die.)
I think explaining that death isn't bad -- it's our chance to go to heaven and heaven is WONDERFUL -- is a great way to cover that. That one day when she is very old, she will get to go to heaven too and see grandma again. The reason death is sad is that we miss the person while we're still here on earth but we will get to see them again one day and they can keep an eye on us all the time -- act like a second guardian angel, even!
You're doing a great job raising an emotionally and psychologically balanced child. Good job!
She sounds like she's doing a great job of working things out in her own way. I wouldn't discourage the questions - she needs to feel she can talk to you about these things. I wouldn't even worry about her saying inappropriate things to playmates, because it'll probably just go right over their heads - unless they have lost a relative (or pet), they just won't understand what she's talking about.
I can't imagine any other parent would get upset if they realized that she's trying to make sense out of death for the first time.
My boy was about that age when he got obsessed with death after seeing some of the animals at the Fernbank museum. "Is they real?" "Yes, but it's not alive anymore." It was the discovery of the difference between "real", "real and alive", and "real but not alive anymore, and of course, "not real" (like the dinosaur exhibit.)
The "Is it real?" and "Is it alive?" questions went on for months. Occasionally, he would say something that would completely jar grown-ups (like, if her were mad, he would say he wished we weren't alive, or that HE wasn't alive. He just didn't realize the weight of his words. He didn't realize that it can CRUSH anyone when you say something like "I wish you weren't even alive!" He just didn't understand how that was any different from "I need a little time alone now." ) We gradually worked through that, too.
Just the other day, they were talking about the election on the radio, and I said "Remember when we were talking about how this year we choose a leader for our country? Well, that story on NPR was about Hillary Clinton and Barrack Obama, and how..." "Mom? When you die, does your skeleton stay all together, or does it get scattered everywhere?" (And of course I immediately get an image of a bomb detonating in a crowd) "Ummm, I guess it depends on *how* you die, hon, but it almost always all stays together in your body... etc.
One last thing - a few months ago, we went to see Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, and we invited a little friend and her mom. The movie starts out talking about how Mr. Magorium is over 200 years old, and that he is on his last pair of shoes, and when these shoes wear out, he will be ready to move on, but he needs to make sure he has someone to take his place and run the magic toy store. It seemed to me a very gentle introduction for young children, and Mr. Magorium had a very healthy perspective of his imminent demise. But I was worried that the other mom I had invited wasn't ready to tackle the subject with her 4-year-old, but she said her daughter really liked it and that it fit in very well with the girl's own ideas of life and death, the circle of life, and things like that. So you may want to give that a spin. I can't think of a gentler way to bring up the subject of death with a young child. (And MY kid - who has been talking about death a lot 6 months earlier, took the whole thing in stride - he didn't talk at ALL about Mr. Magorium passing on. All he talked about was the silly stuff in the movie - the pet giraffe, the magic toys, and when the toy store threw a temper tantrum - he LOVED that part.)
The Lion King also talks a *little* about "The Circle of Life" (the cub loses his father, though) and, of course, there is the classic book "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf".
There are lots of other books about talking to children about death, if you want to. You have to know your kid and decide what she can handle, and whether you want to bring up the subject at all.
NORMAL!! My son at that age said he wanted to die so he could go see Jesus and when I explained that it is forever and you wont be able to be with us here anymore, he asked more questions we talked about it off and on for a long time and eventually he came to his own terms with death. My daughter 7 still asks questions about death but each year they are fewer and her understanding more complete.
They both played games about death and dying and seemed to have a period in their toddler to early school years where they would just be obsessed with death and/or dying...it passed!
As we age we all constantly reassess our own mortality and the older you get the more you work it out and hopefully become comfortable with knowing that we are ALL only temporarily here on earth. Kids are just more verbal about it and need parents to reassure them its all a part of living. I tell me kids no one knows for sure when they will die just try to live a safe and healthy life and thats all any of us can do. The rest is up to God.
S.,
When my daughter was about your child's age her grandfather died and we experienced the same thing you are going through. She would play with her barbies and sure enough one of them had to die. This went on for about 4 months. I decided that I would play with her with the barbies dying and just saying the things you want her to know about death and dying. I figured it took her that long to process what it really meant to be dead. Then it was over, just like that. I wouldn't worry too much about it kids will process in their own way and their own time, just be there for questions. I would not tell her that it is bad to speak of such things or to play about death - they have to have somewhere to put their curiosity and questions in a context that makes sense to them - usually through play.
My condolences on your loss
Good luck
C. B.
S.,
It sounds like you did a wonderful job giving a very developmentally appropriate answer to your daughter's questions about your grandmother dieing. It also sounds like she is dealing with this new idea in a very healthy and developmentally appropriate way. As long as she isn't experiencing anything that is bothering her, I think the talk and play is fine. I am sure in time, her fascination with death will pass.
Hi S.,
When our daughter died 4 years ago, our other three children were 5, 3, and 2. They were all devastated, and they all grieved in different ways based on their understanding of death at the time. Your three year old is definitely going through a normal reaction to a subject that doesn't yet make sense to her in some ways. The grief counselors at Egleston told us that as our children aged and their understanding of death changed, they would go through the grieving process again and again in different ways and they have been correct. The most important thing is to remember that she will process all this differently than you do, and you have to allow her to bring it up as often as she needs to. Our children would walk up to complete strangers in McDonalds or wherever and say "My baby sister died." It was heartbreaking for us, and for the poor strangers, but it was how they made sense of it all. In your daughter's case, I'd imagine that it is not a traumatic ordeal because she didn't seem too close. Another thing to remember is that there are more children experiencing death and loss than you realize. It is also good to be aware of whether you are modeling a healthy and appropriate grief response yourself. I'm sorry for the loss of your grandmother. It sounds like she must have had a very full life. God bless you.
I think that death is a natural part of life that every child has to learn about one day or another. I think that you explained it well in terms that she can understand. i think that her playing "death" is just her way of handling what you have told her and it is just showing her curiosity. I think that children play what they have learned. Little girls pretend that they are mommy with their babies so I think that this is just the way that children deal. I think you did a wonderful job!!!:)
It's totally normal. My daughter is also 3, and her preschool teacher told me that the kids like to play dead on the playground too. She said she's seen it in almost every group of 3-year-olds she's taught over 25 years, and they normally stop doing it by the time they are around 4.
It's a confusing concept, and playing is how they understand and deal with things. I wouldn't worry, and don't tell her that it isn't nice because you don't want to scare her. Be as honest as you can while still being age-appropriate (it's fine to tell her that death makes people sad because they miss the person), and let her be.
My condolences on your grandmother.
Hi S.-
Sorry to hear about your grandmother! I also just lost my grandfather 2 weeks ago. My little girl is to young to know about death, but I think that is completely normal, she now understands it, so I would let her continue to play like that. I hope that helps.. Good Luck
It sounds like you told her the right things. What she is doing is very normal, especially at her age, and she will outgrow it. It is her way of incorporating and experimenting with what she is learning. It makes adults feel uncomfortable to be so casual about death, but it is normal for children. My almost-five-year-old daughter went through that phase, and we didn't even have a death in the family. She used to tell me she wanted to die so she could go up to heaven. I found that to be very disturbing, but she was so innocent about it and didn't mean anything bad by it. My nephew, also four, is going through basically the same thing now, and he wasn't even around my daughter during her phase. I think the best thing you can do is to not overreact to it. If you do, she will think death is an unapproachable subject. Keep doing what you're doing. It sounds like you have good instincts.
It is absolutely normal, and you said exactly the right things. The subject is facinating to her because it's a new concept and she doesn't really understand it. She won't for a few more years, even though she's really trying to (that's what the play is about). I wouldn't worry too much unless she develops a morbid fixation on it. My grandmother died when my daughter was about the same age, except that my daughter soon put two and two together and realized that if her great-grandma died, then so would her grandparents, and then her parents, and even herself. Not a healthy thing for a preschooler to be thinking about. So just as a suggestion, I would avoid getting into the whole "circle of life" conversation with her just yet.
Otherwise, just let her play it out. She's processing new information the best way she knows how. If her focus on it is making you uncomfortable, try redirecting her focus.
I think this is healthy play where she can play and play out any feelings she has, but I might caution her not to play it with other kids just so they or their parents don't get upset.
